Members rhino55 Posted February 23, 2016 Members Share Posted February 23, 2016 Started this one last night. I like the music and don't mind the lack of chorus or bridge. Lyrically this is kind of meh. Any suggestions? Ocarossa is a cheapish red wine with a red bird on the bottle. EDIT 2/25/16: Final Form (I think) until I record it properly Ocarosso My words aren't working too well Bring me back a story Like the ones you used to tell Ocarosso Rest your wings It's best we hunker down 80 mile an hour wind The skies coming unwound Ocarosso All I need is one last kiss Before you leave me To my poisons bliss Ocarosso Spread your red wings It's time to fly Won't you take me with you For another night Ocarosso EDIT: after a rewrite Ocarosso Rest your red wings no need for flight Won't you stay with me For one more night Ocarossa It's best we hunker down 80 mile an hour wind The skies coming unwound Ocarosso My words aren't working too well Bring me a story Like the ones you used to tell Ocarosso All I need is one last kiss Before you leave me To my poisons bliss Ocarosso Spread your red wings It's time to fly Won't you take me with you I'm not ready for goodbye original: http://www.soundclick.com/player/sin...=13324249&q=hi Ocarossa Spread your red wings It’s time to fly They’re calling for bad weather Coming through tomorrow night Ocarossa It’s best we hunker down We can make this gumbo last Until you come back around Ocarossa My words aren’t working to well Bring me back a story One that I should tell Ocarossa All I need Is one last kiss Before you come back With your poisons bliss Ocarossa Spread your red wings It’s time to fly Won’t you take me with you I’m not ready for goodbye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 23, 2016 Members Share Posted February 23, 2016 I think it's fine, musically and lyrically, with a few tiny suggestions. OcarossaSpread your red wingsand take flightThey’re calling for bad weatherComing through tomorrow night OcarossaIt’s bestwe hunker downWe can make this gumbo lastUntil you come back around OcarossaMy wordsaren’t working too wellBring me back a storythe kind the hobos tell (or the kind that songbirds tell) OcarossaAll I needIs one last kissBefore you come backWith your poisons bliss OcarossaSpread your red wingsIt’s time to flyWon’t you take me with youI’m not ready for goodbye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted February 23, 2016 Author Members Share Posted February 23, 2016 Thanks LCK. Those are helpful suggestions. I went a little further with a rewrite. OcarossoRest your red wingsno need for flightWon't you stay with meFor another night OcarossaIt's best we hunker down80 mile an hour windThe skies coming unwound OcarossoMy words aren't working too wellBring me a storyLike the ones you used to tell OcarossoAll I need is one last kissBefore you leave me To my poisons bliss OcarossoSpread your red wingsIt's time to flyWon't you take me with youI'm not ready for goodbye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted February 24, 2016 Members Share Posted February 24, 2016 Hi Rhino, I like the core of this - the darkish chord changes that compliment the melody well. I think this is song piece well worth developing. What I feel it needs now is a change up. I'm not ok with it not having something more. It works now for teh first 2 maybe 3 verses but after that my "what next" alarm is going off. The instrumental piece you do several verses in really adds to the mood, so why not use it earlier - after V1? Or at least a piece of it. And... my "standard comment" to many songs I hear on a board - but definitely with this one .. some kind of bridge or melodic side trip to break up what is essentially too much of a good thing right now. I truly like what I hear so far - I found it musically intriguing. Add more to the "mix" and you'll have a winner here. Best, Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted February 24, 2016 Author Members Share Posted February 24, 2016 Hi Rhino, I like the core of this - the darkish chord changes that compliment the melody well. I think this is song piece well worth developing. What I feel it needs now is a change up. I'm not ok with it not having something more. It works now for teh first 2 maybe 3 verses but after that my "what next" alarm is going off. The instrumental piece you do several verses in really adds to the mood, so why not use it earlier - after V1? Or at least a piece of it. And... my "standard comment" to many songs I hear on a board - but definitely with this one .. some kind of bridge or melodic side trip to break up what is essentially too much of a good thing right now. I truly like what I hear so far - I found it musically intriguing. Add more to the "mix" and you'll have a winner here. Best, Rick Thanks Rick. I think you're right about doing an instrumental section sooner. I think that'll help. I'm still leaning against not doing a proper bridge/chorus type thing. Although, it might be fun to work in some sort of instrumental section as a bridge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 24, 2016 Members Share Posted February 24, 2016 Yeah, I kind of like the semi-unconstructed nature of the piece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted February 25, 2016 Author Members Share Posted February 25, 2016 OP is updated with what I think will probably be the final form. Moved one of the verses up to the the opening slot, consolidated a couple into 1, and added some space between the verses. I think it maintains the semi-unreconstructed nature while adding some different flavor. I'll be looking forward to getting a proper recording of this one done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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