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Ocarossa - WIP


rhino55

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Started this one last night. I like the music and don't mind the lack of chorus or bridge. Lyrically this is kind of meh. Any suggestions?

 

Ocarossa is a cheapish red wine with a red bird on the bottle.

 

EDIT 2/25/16: Final Form (I think) until I record it properly :)

 

 

Ocarosso

My words

aren't working too well

Bring me back a story

Like the ones you used to tell

 

Ocarosso

Rest your wings

It's best we hunker down

80 mile an hour wind

The skies coming unwound

 

Ocarosso

All I need

is one last kiss

Before you leave me

To my poisons bliss

 

Ocarosso

Spread your red wings

It's time to fly

Won't you take me with you

For another night

 

Ocarosso

 

 

 

 

 

EDIT: after a rewrite

 

Ocarosso

Rest your red wings

no need for flight

Won't you stay with me

For one more night

 

Ocarossa

It's best we hunker down

80 mile an hour wind

The skies coming unwound

 

Ocarosso

My words

aren't working too well

Bring me a story

Like the ones you used to tell

 

Ocarosso

All I need

is one last kiss

Before you leave me

To my poisons bliss

 

Ocarosso

Spread your red wings

It's time to fly

Won't you take me with you

I'm not ready for goodbye

 

 

 

 

original:

 

http://www.soundclick.com/player/sin...=13324249&q=hi

 

Ocarossa

Spread your red wings

It’s time to fly

They’re calling for bad weather

Coming through tomorrow night

 

Ocarossa

It’s best

we hunker down

We can make this gumbo last

Until you come back around

 

Ocarossa

My words

aren’t working to well

Bring me back a story

One that I should tell

 

Ocarossa

All I need

Is one last kiss

Before you come back

With your poisons bliss

 

Ocarossa

Spread your red wings

It’s time to fly

Won’t you take me with you

I’m not ready for goodbye

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I think it's fine, musically and lyrically, with a few tiny suggestions.

 

Ocarossa

Spread your red wings

and take flight

They’re calling for bad weather

Coming through tomorrow night

 

Ocarossa

It’s best

we hunker down

We can make this gumbo last

Until you come back around

 

Ocarossa

My words

aren’t working too well

Bring me back a story

the kind the hobos tell (or the kind that songbirds tell)

 

Ocarossa

All I need

Is one last kiss

Before you come back

With your poisons bliss

 

Ocarossa

Spread your red wings

It’s time to fly

Won’t you take me with you

I’m not ready for goodbye

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Thanks LCK. Those are helpful suggestions. I went a little further with a rewrite.

 

Ocarosso

Rest your red wings

no need for flight

Won't you stay with me

For another night

 

Ocarossa

It's best we hunker down

80 mile an hour wind

The skies coming unwound

 

Ocarosso

My words

aren't working too well

Bring me a story

Like the ones you used to tell

 

Ocarosso

All I need

is one last kiss

Before you leave me

To my poisons bliss

 

Ocarosso

Spread your red wings

It's time to fly

Won't you take me with you

I'm not ready for goodbye

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Hi Rhino,

 

I like the core of this - the darkish chord changes that compliment the melody well. I think this is song piece well worth developing.

 

What I feel it needs now is a change up. I'm not ok with it not having something more. It works now for teh first 2 maybe 3 verses but after that my "what next" alarm is going off.

 

The instrumental piece you do several verses in really adds to the mood, so why not use it earlier - after V1? Or at least a piece of it.

 

And... my "standard comment" to many songs I hear on a board - but definitely with this one .. some kind of bridge or melodic side trip to break up what is essentially too much of a good thing right now.

 

I truly like what I hear so far - I found it musically intriguing. Add more to the "mix" and you'll have a winner here.

 

Best,

 

Rick

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi Rhino,

 

I like the core of this - the darkish chord changes that compliment the melody well. I think this is song piece well worth developing.

 

What I feel it needs now is a change up. I'm not ok with it not having something more. It works now for teh first 2 maybe 3 verses but after that my "what next" alarm is going off.

 

The instrumental piece you do several verses in really adds to the mood, so why not use it earlier - after V1? Or at least a piece of it.

 

And... my "standard comment" to many songs I hear on a board - but definitely with this one .. some kind of bridge or melodic side trip to break up what is essentially too much of a good thing right now.

 

I truly like what I hear so far - I found it musically intriguing. Add more to the "mix" and you'll have a winner here.

 

Best,

 

Rick

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks Rick. I think you're right about doing an instrumental section sooner. I think that'll help.

 

I'm still leaning against not doing a proper bridge/chorus type thing. Although, it might be fun to work in some sort of instrumental section as a bridge.

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OP is updated with what I think will probably be the final form. Moved one of the verses up to the the opening slot, consolidated a couple into 1, and added some space between the verses. I think it maintains the semi-unreconstructed nature while adding some different flavor.

 

I'll be looking forward to getting a proper recording of this one done.

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