Members PTCruiser1801 Posted November 1, 2015 Members Share Posted November 1, 2015 Hi everyone! I am only new to this forum and relatively new to song writing and recording. I have recently uploaded my very first original song to soundcloud and I am looking for some feedback on it. If anyone has 3 minutes of free time, I would love to hear what you think! Here is the link: Here is more information about the song: I wrote this song a little while ago in response to seeing people around me going through some tough times with anxiety and depression and the struggle that they faced on a daily basis. Some of these friends I saw overcome their struggles and some didn't. The song hopefully reflects the persistent nature of mental illness. The 'Are you proud of me?' line reflects one particular person I know whose personal struggles related to never feeling good enough for anyone. Here are the lyrics: I see the road, Narrow right before my eyes, And in the dark, The fading light is my disguise. I hear a voice, That familiar haunting sound, It follows me, I know no place it cant be found. Are you proud of what you see? Are you proud of me? I stand and wait, To watch you walking right by me, You think I'm gone, My shadow isn't there to see. I keep the faith, My will is strong if I believe, In time I'll know, What I can and can't achieve. Are you proud of what you see? Are you proud of me? Focus now, You're reflecting your own dreams, Broken Down, Everything's not as it seems. Weary eyes, They've seen too much but cannot close, Sunken Heart, A liar reaps just what he sows. Are you proud of what you see? Are you proud of me? Are you proud of what you see? Are you proud of me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 1, 2015 Members Share Posted November 1, 2015 Very nice tune. Very catchy in its own way. Nice vocal. Personally, I'd like to hear another melodic element, a break or a solo or something. How much time did you spend on the lyric? I think it could use a little more work. It's a bit vague in a way, and some of the quatrains aren't as vivid as they could be. (Just my opinion.) But other than those two things, it's quite good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted November 1, 2015 Members Share Posted November 1, 2015 I think you have done a good job with this. I like the lyric phrasing. I like the string arrangement - it captures the mood.The only thing I question is whether the song structure has sufficient variation to hold the attention for 3.30 min.Musically, the 'proud of what you see - proud of me' lines are really just more of the verse, so they sound as tag lines, not a chorus.So if there is no musical chorus, how about converting the 'Focus now' lines into a bridge and break the sameness?It would probably need re-writing and re-phrasing to create a different metre from the verses. Anyway - This is just one opinion - feel free to disagree. You may have created what I am calling 'sameness' for the purpose of conveying the lyric mood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted November 7, 2015 Members Share Posted November 7, 2015 Good start! LCK is on to something there. Not many concretes for us to latch onto. Dark (or fading light - you mention both), a narrow road, me walking past you, and that's about it. So you're not really telling us much. That's okay, lots of songs don't. But then you ask if I like what I see, and I haven't seen enough to be able to say. Likewise, cryptic is fine (lots of folks love "I Am the Walrus" and "China Cat Sunflower"), but a song needs to reside in a world, even if the world is surreal or mysterious or dreamlike. A line like "You're reflecting your own dreams" would resonate more if whatever is behind it were fleshed out more. Lots of new writers (and not just song writers) run into this - the problem of getting your audience up to speed with you. Here's an easy exercise: Pick one or two songs you love, write or print out the lyrics, and count the concrete things mentioned - sights, sounds, places, people, occasions, actions, events, things, whatever - then count yours. I think you'll see that they're laden with specifics. No need for big revisions, you're on the track. Just few anchors here and there will help listeners share and care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted November 8, 2015 Members Share Posted November 8, 2015 Hey welcome to the board. I really like the arrangement - nice mellow restrained, vibe. I'll mostly echo what other people have said: the lyrics are *super* vague and don't really tell me what's going on. I would have *never* guessed this had anything to do with mental illness. Because it's so vague, there's nothing for me to latch on to, so it's really hard to get invested or care, so it gets boring for me, sorry. In addition, the music never changes - seems like you need at least some B section to offset what's going on at least once in the song. And when the music stays the same, consider mixing up the melody a bt. On a simlar note (ha!), the chorus/refrain isn't really a chorus - the music doesn't change, the melody is pretty close to what came before, and it's not the catchy. Consider playing with the rhythm and notes to make it more interesting and memorable, and maybe adding some elements that *only* come in here: strings, harmonies, another guitar, whatever. Hope this helps. Oh and hey feedback takes time - way more than 3 minutes...consider leaving feedback for other people, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 Hey welcome to the board. I really like the arrangement - nice mellow restrained, vibe. I'll mostly echo what other people have said: the lyrics are *super* vague and don't really tell me what's going on. I would have *never* guessed this had anything to do with mental illness. Because it's so vague, there's nothing for me to latch on to, so it's really hard to get invested or care, so it gets boring for me, sorry. In addition, the music never changes - seems like you need at least some B section to offset what's going on at least once in the song. And when the music stays the same, consider mixing up the melody a bt. On a simlar note (ha!), the chorus/refrain isn't really a chorus - the music doesn't change, the melody is pretty close to what came before, and it's not the catchy. Consider playing with the rhythm and notes to make it more interesting and memorable, and maybe adding some elements that *only* come in here: strings, harmonies, another guitar, whatever. Hope this helps. Oh and hey feedback takes time - way more than 3 minutes...consider leaving feedback for other people, too. I don't understand what people are talking about with the lyrics not being good. I love them man. Yeah there vague, but I love vague lyrics, gives you a mystery type feel to the lyrics. That's how I write some of my songs, That's how some RockStars write there lyrics, with lyrics like that, and I love it man. IMO I wouldn't change they lyrics. I think they give a mystery to the song where as the listener you can decipher them however you want too, which I love. I really don't like being to forward with lyrics, I like alittle mystery and vagueness in mine. And when you say theres nothing to latch onto when you listen to those type of lyrics you just use your imagination and whatever the lyrics speak to you in your life or someone elses that's how you interpret the lyrics. Could you use just a little bit more straight forward approach throwing in some lyrics here and there in this song keeping some of the original lyrics too? Maybe, but if you like those lyrics stick with them bro. Not saying I don't understand what you guy's are saying just saying sometimes in a song vagueness in lyrics can be appreciated Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted November 30, 2015 Members Share Posted November 30, 2015 I don't understand what people are talking about with the lyrics not being good. I love them man. Yeah there vague, but I love vague lyrics, gives you a mystery type feel to the lyrics. That's how I write some of my songs, That's how some RockStars write there lyrics, with lyrics like that, and I love it man. IMO I wouldn't change they lyrics. I think they give a mystery to the song where as the listener you can decipher them however you want too, which I love. I really don't like being to forward with lyrics, I like alittle mystery and vagueness in mine. And when you say theres nothing to latch onto when you listen to those type of lyrics you just use your imagination and whatever the lyrics speak to you in your life or someone elses that's how you interpret the lyrics. Could you use just a little bit more straight forward approach throwing in some lyrics here and there in this song keeping some of the original lyrics too? Maybe, but if you like those lyrics stick with them bro. Not saying I don't understand what you guy's are saying just saying sometimes in a song vagueness in lyrics can be appreciated Good point, well said. Thanks, TS! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted November 30, 2015 Members Share Posted November 30, 2015 ...I would have *never* guessed this had anything to do with mental illness.... Ditto. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted December 1, 2015 Members Share Posted December 1, 2015 I don't understand what people are talking about with the lyrics not being good. I don't see where anybody said they weren't good. The advice offered was for making them better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted December 1, 2015 Members Share Posted December 1, 2015 So, PT Cruiser, what do you think? Has any of this helped? Do you have any questions or comments or ideas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PTCruiser1801 Posted December 1, 2015 Author Members Share Posted December 1, 2015 Wow...sorry I have been so slow getting back to the forum guys but thanks so much for taking the time to listen and comment...I really appreciate it. In terms of the lyrics, they are intended to be vague to allow the listener an opportunity to make what they will of the song. To me it speaks about mental illness, but to another it could take on a whole other meaning. I appreciate the comments looking for more specific lyrics and I see where you are coming from but it was an intentional move by me to avoid spelling it out for the listener. I am surprised that you have taken the time to comment on my song and I will be sure to do the same to others on this forum over the coming days when I have more time to do so. Thanks again... PTCruiser1801 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted December 1, 2015 Members Share Posted December 1, 2015 Got it! I'm like you - I post songs here to hear comments, but without really seeking suggestions. The comments people give me are actually more of a help on the next song I write. Keep 'em coming! Delhttp://www.thefullertons.net( •)—::: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PTCruiser1801 Posted December 1, 2015 Author Members Share Posted December 1, 2015 That's exactly it! I will definitely use the suggestions from people's comments in my next song. I have a few more songs in a finished version but I might revise some parts of them before posting them here...taking into account some of the good advice I have gotten here already! Cheers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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