Spanish Moss Frames the View

[rhino55]

New Lyric. I've been sitting on the opening line for a while, but I was never sure where I wanted to go with it. I decided to go pretty dark. I have a story in mind, and I'm not sure if this is conveying it all the way. Does it hold up without any explanation? Does it need another verse or one trimmed?

 

Spanish moss framed the view through these trees

There's no way to prepare for such a scene

She stumbled on it as a child

Her innocence forever defiled

 

Twisted limbs, steam still rising from the blood

She was forced to grow up all at once

All she'd known was family and love

Now she knew what bad men were capable of

 

It's curious that she never harped on the why

All she knew was the bad men must die

Vengeance belongs to the Lord

She'd help him even the score

 

Growing up poor she knew how to take care of herself

This course took her some place else

She learned as the food ran low

To steal, to hunt, she began to grow

 

The years passed, her seclusion never did

She'd found her way when she was a kid

The bad men would come back by

This time it would be them that died

 

As bullets ran out she got handy with a blade

And accustomed to the sounds her prey made

Even when they beg for mercy

She seldom gets in a hurry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mbfrancis]

New Lyric. I've been sitting on the opening line for a while, but I was never sure where I wanted to go with it. I decided to go pretty dark. I have a story in mind, and I'm not sure if this is conveying it all the way. Does it hold up without any explanation? Does it need another verse or one trimmed?

 

Spanish moss framed the view through these trees

There's no way to prepare for such a scene

She stumbled on it as a child

Her innocence forever defiled

 

Twisted limbs, steam still rising from the blood

She was forced to grow up all at once

All she'd known was family and love

Now she knew what bad men were capable of

 

It's curious that she never harped on the why

All she knew was the bad men must die

Vengeance belongs to the Lord

She'd help him even the score

 

Growing up poor she knew how to take care of herself

This course took her some place else

She learned as the food ran low

To steal, to hunt, she began to grow

 

The years passed, her seclusion never did

She'd found her way when she was a kid [also unclear]

The bad men would come back by

This time it would be them that died

 

As bullets ran out she got handy with a blade

And accustomed to the sounds her prey made [awkward]

Even when they beg for mercy

She seldom gets in a hurry [unclear]

 

 

Thank God a new song. I was getting bummed.

 

No, I can't really tell what's going on, she's avenging something. Some great stuff here. Great opening image. I think on this one you really need a crazy high show/tell ratio, and I wish the rest of it maintained the quality of that opening image. The lines I bolded above struck me as too 'tell.' Plus some notes. My $.02, hope this helps.

[oldgitplayer]

OK - good start - but how and where to improve?

 

1. I think the title should be 'Spanish Moss' and it probably needs to repeat at the end a). either as a repeat of the opening line or b). end with a different line that frames the dead bad men with Spanish Moss. Kinda bookend the whole song.

 

2. First time I read through, I thought the protagonist had been raped. Second time I read through I thought no, she witnessed a murder. So it needs tightening a bit so we are clear on what happened.

 

3. It's reading like prose with some rhymes. I think it needs to shift into song lyric mode.

 

4. I also think we need to join the dots to understand the reason for revenge. Maybe the hard life story is not enough for us.

 

Anyway, that's something to chew on for the time being ………..

[LCK]

 

Thank God a new song. I was getting bummed.

 

No, I can't really tell what's going on, she's avenging something. Some great stuff here. Great opening image. I think on this one you really need a crazy high show/tell ratio, and I wish the rest of it maintained the quality of that opening image. The lines I bolded above struck me as too 'tell.' Plus some notes. My $.02, hope this helps.

 

I agree. I'd like to hear it with the music. Maybe that would drive the story more.

 

I immediately thought of this song by The Band Perry. Very dark. It's a different story, but I think it (your idea) has that same dark, Appalachian connection to death and revenge, etc. So it could be very compelling.

 

[rhino55]

Thanks for the feed back. You guys are spot on as usual. I tried to do a rewrite last night and didn't get too terribly far. This is what I got.

 

Spanish moss framed the view through these trees

There's no good way to prepare for such a scene

mutilated bodies lie defiled

she stumbled on it as child

 

Twisted limbs steam still rising from the blood

seeing her family that way she grew up all at once

all she'd known was love

now she knew what bad men were capable of

 

 

 

I kind of stumped on where the story should go. I can see two possible ways. She goes on to avenge her family, a basic revenge sort of thing. There could even be some sort of sing along chorus along these lines:

 

Grab daddy's gun

sharpen mamma's blade

wait for the bad men to come

and send them to their grave

 

 

The other option is darker still. She goes crazy and thinks everybody that comes around is one of the bad men and kills anybody she comes across. It could end with a murder ballady sort of verse where you give a word of caution to the audience "careful walking these woods at night..." sort of thing.

 

I'll try and get a demo posted before the gig tonight.

 

 

[LCK]

The opening verse is too indirect. I like the opening line (with the change below), but you're not putting us in the immediate moment with this person's experience. You're talking about it, not describing it.

 

Also, I think it would hit harder if we knew she was only a child from the git-go.

 

Also, you're initially using plural for the scene (bodies), and singular (it) for what she stumbled on.

 

Spanish moss framed her view through the trees

Nine years old, she whispered, "No, Jesus, please..."

four dead bodies in the mud,

river water mixed with blood.

 

Or something...

[rhino55]

That's good stuff, LCK. Here's a quick demo

 

http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=13233390&q=hi

[LCK]

That's good stuff, LCK. Here's a quick demo

 

http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=13233390&q=hi

 

I like the tune. It's very good, even compelling. Nice work.

[mbfrancis]

Definitely works better for with music. I would spend a little more time on "grab your daddy's gun"

part, make it even more chorus-y / sing-along.

[rhino55]

Glad ya'll like the music.

 

Sitting around a couple fires this weekend, this is where it's settled for now.

 

 

Spanish moss framed the view through the trees

no good way to prepare for such a scene

mutilated bodies defiled

she stumbled it on it when she was only a child

 

twisted limbs, steam still rising from the blood

seeing her family that way she grew up all at once

all she'd known was love

now she knew what the bad men were capable of

 

it's curious she never bothered asking why

all she knew was the bad men must die

she knew vengeance belongs to the Lord

Given time, she'll help him even the score

 

Grab your daddy's gun

sharpen momma's blade

wait for the bad men to come

you can make them pay

 

Careful as you go walking in these woods

sometimes good men are misunderstood

she still haunts these grounds

waiting for whoever comes around

 

Grab your daddy's gun

sharpen momma's blade

wait for the bad men to come

you can make them pay

x2

 

[rickidoo]

Tragic, I suppose that start up scene was needed to set the stage, but I'm thinking it is a little too graphic. I'm wondering if diffusing some of the visuals yet keeping the tragedy might have the same effect, and increase appeal to listen on. e.g, instead of "mutilated bodies defiled", something like "innocence defiled"...

 

Just a thought.

 

[rhino55]

Thanks Rick. I get what you're saying. The same thought occurred to me last Sunday. I was doing a set with some other songwriter types for an event in a park. Beautiful day, people hanging out eating food, kids playing.... I wanted to show my songwriter buds the new song, but thought better of it, with the kids around and all.

[Delmont]

Good, solid. Since you asked, one minor point tripped me: When God says "Vengeance is mine," it means that it's not ours). That is, we don't have a right to revenge. We can forgive up and down the street, but vengeance is above our pay grade. For better or worse, we have to leave it to God.

 

(Depending on the version of Bible you like, it says something like: "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.'”)

 

Of course, I have no way of knowing whose job revenge actually is, and it's not the kind of thing I worry about. I'm just looking for the logic in an otherwise straightforward, non-surrealistic narrative, and the lyric seems like it might be slightly contradictory there. A scriptural reference might fit at that point, but if you're going to say "Vengeance belongs to the Lord," then to make sense, the next line might move the story along better if it were a little different - something like:

 

"BUT she'd help him even the score."

"but she said it was her job to even the score"

"but she didn't trust Him to even the score"

"but she gave Him no time to even the score."

"but she wanted her hand in settling the score."

 

- that is, something to acknowledge that she's going a step ahead of God. Otherwise, why bring God into it

at all?

 

Again, not a big point, and if you feel it's really strong as is, leave it where it lies. Again, nice work.