Members rickidoo Posted September 11, 2015 Members Share Posted September 11, 2015 FINAL SONG VERSION: 12 OCTOBER 2015 Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. I submitted it to the month muse contest where like most of my other songs it will score in the bottom 50%. But that doesn't matter I had a lot of fun making it. Best, Rick Morality© 2015 copyright Rick Dieffenbach Politicians lied, a half million diedthe war goes onI don’t think, hearts can be wonJust because we've got the biggest bombs The money trail, banks too big to failso many peoplescrimp and saved, all their livesCost so much to keep, Wall Street high I remember when I was a boytaking shelter, against the walltrying to keep the blast awaytrying not to feel, so small Today the threat, is everywhereIt’s in our heads, and in our heartsthe pundits, pander'ng to their audienceGives them ratings, off, the charts [interlude] A mother cries, she wipes her children’s eyesshe’s work’en two jobsbut somehow, she earns less payOur Congress thinks, that’s quite ok Morality, my country ‘tis of theeI pledge allegianceto be a moral manyou better start with understand I remember when I was a boytaking shelter, against the walltrying to keep the blast awaytrying not to feel, at all Today the threat, is everywhereIt’s in our heads, and in our heartsthe pundits, pander to their audienceGives them ratings, off, the charts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted September 11, 2015 Members Share Posted September 11, 2015 Strong stuff. In the refrain about politicians and soldiers I'd try and keep the tense the same all the way through. Politicians lie, brave soldiers dieSo many tearsthey keep our, home freeand boost the economy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted September 11, 2015 Members Share Posted September 11, 2015 Hey Rick - it's ironic that it took a lot of work to progressively speed up the tempo. Some musicians can't help themselves and get kicked out of bands for that…...png.197c47f720636f02390cc2b0a33804da.png' alt='smiley-veryhappy'> I understand the song - I'm conversant withe the US military-industrial complex and everything that goes with it. But I'm not sure that your wording is right for the Intro and Outro. Surely the song is about the absence of morality at a personal and federal level. So why say morality is not for you? And I don't think the intolerance / deliverance is very clear. Morality, is not for me so many people so much intolerance made to sound as deliverance So same again here. The intolerance passing off as ignorance doesn't make sense to me. Intolerance is ignorance, but I don't see how intolerance can be passed off as ignorance. Morality, it’s not for me so many people so much, intolerance passing off, as ignorance And just a small thing in this verse: I want t’ scream, give back my dream (leave out 'me' - the prosody will improve). that once was in reach when love was, all you need imagine what, we might have achieved On a musical level I think the music and subject matter work fine together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted September 12, 2015 Author Members Share Posted September 12, 2015 Hi Git - the why... it's basically trying to say "if by your actions you do things that support a certain version of morality, then that's not for me." Verse 1, the hypocrisy in America concerning gays - where people are thumping the bible, hating gays, - but seem to have no problem conveniently forgetting about the 9 million sins they have committed in their life... Kentucky County clerk is the current poster child for this. Verse 2 - US went to war in Iraq under bogus circumstances, which the archtects of that war blame on the spooks, but we know simply George Bush and cronies were hot to trot to find a reason to invade over iraq. The US will be paying for the emotional foobar for the next 100 years. Immoral city. Verse 3 - in the US, it is reported that women performing the same jobs at the same level of men, often find themselves paid significantly less. We know it exists, but we don't do anything about it. It's wrong. At any rate, that was the goal, and I was hoping not to be overly explicit (by saying I don't agree with your morality), have the story unfold, and lead the user back to the morality is not for me, in the final verse, which I was hoping would then be better understood then the first time it was used. Oh well... Thanks for the other suggestions! Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 12, 2015 Members Share Posted September 12, 2015 Rick, I love your songwriting. And I love your political leanings. But I'd rather hear more of your light-hearted "fluff" or songs like the one about the girl on the ship. That said, you make some great points here, there are a few good lines, lyrically, and your bass playing is fabulous. But this isn't a song I'd relish listening to and getting lost in like I do in your others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted September 12, 2015 Members Share Posted September 12, 2015 Rick - I understand the verses. They are clear and require no explanation.It's just the Intro and Outro that are unclear. I understand your explanation of them, but I really think a huge pragmatic statement like, 'Morality is not for me' needs some context. There's nothing in the lyric that suggests that it is the phoney morality wrapped up in weasel words and actions that you don't want.If you opened with 'Morality is not for me, when wrapped up in hypocrisy' I'd know where you are leading me with the lyric. I'm not suggesting that these could be used as substitute lines, just that they set the stage for where you are taking the listener. Anyway that's my 2 Yuan worth……... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted September 12, 2015 Author Members Share Posted September 12, 2015 Git - Oh... ah! Thanks! Very valuable feedback - I can see and understand what you are saying. I will work on that problem. LCK, thank you. You are right, downer songs are downers in themselves. My songs have always been medicine for me. A way to think things through. I do prefer the happy ones as well. I recently hit a big age milestone. One of those milestones where one says how the hell did I get here? I've been working jotting down some experiences in my life just to make some sense of things and to help me remember some special people in my life, especially one very special person in my life as you know. I started listening to my silly songs I did way back when, starting at 13, and realized that I could retrace my life, and make connections I did not see at the time, just by exploring when a song was written, what was going on at the time and what it was trying to say. All the significant events in my life - more than in pictures - are in the songs. Bad times and good times. Fortunately long stretches of good times sandwiched between the bad. And my attitude as well over time, all captured in this enjoyable creative activity. I'm-a-guessing that is true for the majority of artists, perhaps yourself as well. Not so surprisingly I found a downer political song in 2004 and again in 2008. I guess this is the current election downer song! Rhino - opps you are right on. Will fix. Best to all and thanks, Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted September 14, 2015 Author Members Share Posted September 14, 2015 The first 3 verses are revised.... Musically, its now much more peter paul and mary until about half way in.? Note Git: I will be dropping the me as you suggested to improve prosody but have not recorded it, yet. morality, hypocrisytoo many peoplequoting Good Book versein secret they do much worse Dubya lied, a million diedthe war goes onI don’t think hearts be wonBecause we have the biggest guns The money trail, banks too big to failso many peoplescrimp and saved, all their liveslost so much to keep, wall street high Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted September 14, 2015 Members Share Posted September 14, 2015 I think this is the right move forward Rick - it gets the listener on to the subject matter straight away without guesswork. Here's a small change I suggest (prosody again…...png.197c47f720636f02390cc2b0a33804da.png' alt='smiley-veryhappy'>) Dubya lied, a million died the war goes on I don’t think hearts are won (replacing can be won) By building bigger guns (I like this because it's an ongoing activity of the govt. rather than a statement of simply having the biggest guns) I'm guessing that you have yet to do the new arrangement, but I thought I'd mention anyway: I think the drums and bass need to come in at the 1st chorus. There probably needs to be an extra measure or two inserted so the drums and bass can fanfare the chorus about to start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted September 15, 2015 Members Share Posted September 15, 2015 I like some of the rewrite, but with a song of this nature, I'd try especially hard to stick to facts that can't be debated. For Iraq: "Counts of deaths reported in newspapers collated by projects like the Iraq Body Count project found 174,000 Iraqis reported killed between 2003 and 2013, with between 112,000-123,000 of those killed being civilian noncombatants." "A total of 4,491 U.S. service members were killed in Iraq between 2003 and 2014." For Afghanistan: "As of June 10, 2015, there have been 2,361 U.S. military deaths in the War in Afghanistan. 1,852 of these deaths have been the result of hostile action." "Over 91,000 Afghans, including civilians, soldiers and militants, are recorded to have been killed in the conflict." Though still tragic, it's not close to a million. For reference, in Vietnam where the US stayed for less time than Afghanistan, the total death estimate is 1,313,000. I liked it better when you said "politicians lie," because they all deserve the scrutiny. Plus, if you're not calling out one person you can use "millions" which could reference Vietnam or even other countries around the world as well. Politicians lie, millions diewars go onI don't think hearts are wonby building bigger guns That last couplet is really good BTW. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted September 16, 2015 Author Members Share Posted September 16, 2015 Thanks gang all good points. I am working on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted September 17, 2015 Author Members Share Posted September 17, 2015 So I went back and tossed it back on the table. Thanks for all the suggestions and thoughts. I took them and worked them to make them mine. :-) Here is a demo song - it is unfinished musically, but shows the new words, and some musical changes. Morality© Rick Dieffenbach 2015 Morality, hypocrisyso many peoplequoting good book versein secret they do much worse Politicians lie, a half million diedthe war goes onI don’t think, hearts can be wonBy builden’ bigger make’n bigger guns The money trail, banks too big to failso many peoplescrimp and saved, all their livesCost so much to keep, Wall Street high [chorus] I remember when I was a boytaking shelter, against, the walltrying to keep, the blast awaytrying not to feel, at all Today the threat, is everywhereIt’s in our heads, and in our heartsthe pundits, pander to their audienceGives them ratings, off, the charts Fma7 G em f c em f fm c d no f# g capo 5 A mother cries, she wipes her children’s eyesshe’s work’en two jobsbut somehow, she earns less payOur congress thinks, that’s quite ok Morality, my country ‘tis of theeI pledge allegianceto be a moral manyou better start with understand [chorus] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted September 19, 2015 Members Share Posted September 19, 2015 Some good stuff here. I like the "hearts can be won" line, and the music is cool. At this point I'd focus on tightening up the song and then worry about tempo. To me what feels like the chorus is the "politicians lie" and "mopther cries" bit...that melody is stronger than what you call the chorus, which feels like a bridge. Consider ending each chorus section with the title, or some title hook. Right now, there aren't really any repeating hooks or refrains, so I don;t really know where I am in the song. I would make "good book verse" and "do much verse" the same rhythm. Overall it's hard for me to get into the lyric - it feels a little slogan-y super generic to me. The zoom-in to the personal is a cool idea, but I wish I understood what you're saying...what's it saying about the broader "morality" narrative. I would pick a title which sums up what you're saying in a new way, and then build the vocal hook around that. Maybe have a sing along type thing...you're trying to rally troops, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted September 19, 2015 Author Members Share Posted September 19, 2015 Thanks MB for giving me your thoughts. What it was suppose to be is this, four verses talk about morality in some form. The chorus uses a catch phrase "the threat is everywhere", so one thinks it's about one thing (perhaps troop rallying), but when the next line comes in and says the threat (to morality) is in our minds and hearts, it was suppose to evoke thought of what that might mean. 'cause that's at the crux of things, I feel. You are right about not having a telling hook. And that would be a better thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted October 12, 2015 Author Members Share Posted October 12, 2015 MB - tried to address issues. Done. Thank you everyone. Onto the next. Best, Rick PS: I never did get the emotional rise I wanted from the "interlude." Tried 4 ka-billion things. I know what I want to feel, but could not arrange it to work. Ah well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 15, 2015 Members Share Posted October 15, 2015 Yeah I think this was an interesting idea. Some cool stuff, definitely, and some learnings, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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