Members oldgitplayer Posted July 31, 2015 Members Share Posted July 31, 2015 I've made a start on this, and unusually for me, I'm attempting to write lyric and music at the same time. (I need the exercise).The music is simply an instrumental idea to be developed into a vocal.And the lyric - well - I don't know how the story will end yet. 2nd draft to reveal all. Thoughts and suggestions please on the ideas so far. Music and lyric. http://picosong.com/mihZ Sacha the Spider V1 Let me tell you a story 'bout Sacha the spiderA cool kid who eases the eyeShe spins her charm like silken threadsWith intentions to catch the fly. Alternative (Determined to catch the fly.)I'll now introduce the elegant FrancoisHe flew in from Saint TropezImmediately spying the colorful SachaWho thought 'He'll be my dinner today' Bridge 1 Sacha was lonely, Sacha was needyAnd Sacha was hungry tooBut Francois was canny and circled with cautionBefore saying 'Comment allez-vouz?' Alternative (How are you.) V2 Bridge 2 V3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 31, 2015 Members Share Posted July 31, 2015 I'm curious to see how the story plays out. I'd consider trading 'like' for 'in' in line 3? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 31, 2015 Members Share Posted July 31, 2015 Seems like a great start. One quibble: Sacha is usually a man's name. Sasha could be either. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sasha_%28name%29 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 3, 2015 Author Members Share Posted August 3, 2015 Thanks guys for your comments - you are both right with your suggestions. I apologise for having wasted your time, but I'm not continuing with this song. I have a couple of ways in mind to develop it, but I don't really care for the whole idea. As many of my lyrics tend towards having something to say, I thought I might write something lightweight or even frivolous, but I'm not sure that I am able to hire myself out to myself in this manner. Tomorrow is another day, and I'll take the easier route and return to writing something that might mean something to me……... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 3, 2015 Members Share Posted August 3, 2015 No need to apologize. I don't consider it a waste of my time at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 3, 2015 Members Share Posted August 3, 2015 Hey, that's the way it goes with songwriting challenges. Sometimes they inspire creativity, sometimes they don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted August 26, 2015 Members Share Posted August 26, 2015 Music would make a good basis for a kids song. Thanks for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Idunno Posted September 7, 2015 Members Share Posted September 7, 2015 Sasha the Spider V1 Let me tell you about Sasha the spiderThe leggy lady of many eyesShe cast her spells in silken threadsTo charm the passing flies. Now Francois knew of her risky waysHis instincts had told him soHe knew he was on her menu, you seeAnd she’d gladly end his days Bridge 1 V2 Sasha was lonely, Sasha was needyAnd Sasha was hungry tooBut Francois was canny and circled with careBefore asking My lady, how are you? He called to her from beyond the reachOf her wind-sung strings of spellsAnd hypnotized her with motioned flightTo her doom as this story tells Bridge 2 V3 She followed him and his every moveAnd, unable to break from her stareShe suddenly vanished without a soundAnd Francois flew away from her lair Her charms, it seems, spelled her own doomMaking Francois fly to and froHe hypnotized her with his own charming flightAnd a frog swallowed her from below. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted September 7, 2015 Author Members Share Posted September 7, 2015 ^^^ I wasn't expecting this - well done.I always intended that Francois was too smart to become someone's dinner, but I like the twist that Sasha ends up there. You have created some good lines too : 'The leggy lady of many eyes' and others. Maybe I'll resurrect the song - I first need to want to. Thanks for the input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted September 8, 2015 Members Share Posted September 8, 2015 HaHa, that's really good. I like that re-write alot. To me it almost reads more like poem than a song, but I'm sure it could work. If nobody else is going to do anything with it, I might take a pass or two with some simple chords and melody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted September 8, 2015 Members Share Posted September 8, 2015 Hey that's a great re-write ldunno, nice work! My only feedback on this at this point is wondering if it's possible to pull this off with *fewer* direct spider/insect references. Like maybe not even say she's a spider, but that the spider/fly dynamic is the framework for the whole thing, and if the listener is sharp they can pick it out from context clues. "Many eyes" could be a lot of things for example. It would make it more universal, but still unique in its telling. Just an idea, hopefully it makes sense. Also spelling of Sasha is immaterial obviously *matters what is heard), but are you intentionally using an ambiguous name Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted September 8, 2015 Author Members Share Posted September 8, 2015 My only feedback on this at this point is wondering if it's possible to pull this off with *fewer* direct spider/insect references. Like maybe not even say she's a spider, but that the spider/fly dynamic is the framework for the whole thing, and if the listener is sharp they can pick it out from context clues. "Many eyes" could be a lot of things for example. It would make it more universal, but still unique in its telling. Just an idea, hopefully it makes sense. My original intention was to write about people and not insects (if you read my original). I think I was heading towards Francois being smart and not falling for the standard methods of entrapment - hence remaining a free fly. But both approaches can work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Idunno Posted September 9, 2015 Members Share Posted September 9, 2015 ^^^ I wasn't expecting this - well done. I always intended that Francois was too smart to become someone's dinner, but I like the twist that Sasha ends up there. You have created some good lines too : 'The leggy lady of many eyes' and others. Maybe I'll resurrect the song - I first need to want to. Thanks for the input. It just kinda spilled out. The opening lines set up one of those tortoise and hare stories with a moral, IMO, so I set the characters up and it played out from there pretty much under its own steam. I think I was playing Sasha as a character so sure of herself she drops her defenses and fails to monitor the world around her. If I may make an analogy - 911. Anyway, you're welcome and use it or lose it as you will. I didn't attempt any further writing of verse or melody. I just couldn't leave it hanging. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted September 9, 2015 Author Members Share Posted September 9, 2015 I think I was playing Sasha as a character so sure of herself she drops her defenses and fails to monitor the world around her. This is a good point that helps the development of the narrative. It just needs one line somewhere to mention her to be confident but careless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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