Members mbfrancis Posted June 1, 2015 Members Share Posted June 1, 2015 Hey hope everyone is well. Here’s a track I just finished. If the music sounds super early 90s, that’s because that’s when it was originally written for my first band, and I only just finally finished the words the other week on the plane home from DC. So…now that it’s finished, what do you think, does it hold up? The arrangement’s not 100% done (needs some more noodle-y melody stuff), but how is it for you as a song? Are the chorus lines too odd…too many “far”/”bar” rhymes? Do you get that I’m singing to myself (in the mirror, get it?)? Let me know! http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13136898 “Go Home” Aren’t you sick and tired of waiting -late night up-staying -for someone new to steer you wrongand who kind of likes youand makes your head spin stopbut then when the night’s throughthey’re always gone? Listen…I never thought you’d go this faryou claim your corner of the barchecking and re-checking your new phoneIsn’t it thougha little funny how it seemsthat you never quite know what it meanseach time you feel, so alone, so alone? ChorusSo cmon, pour out your soul to the mirror -there you always make the same decisions, no?I should leave here, I shouldn’t be here all… all…aloneIt’s not too late to go home ListenI never thought you’d go this faryour head in hands upon the bar.But with you it all feels so contrived.But did you thoughever wonder in your dreamsyou’d fall apart now at the seamsjust trying to feel so alive, so alive? ChorusSo cmon, pour out your soul to the mirrorThere you always make the same decisions, no?I should leave here, I shouldn’t be here all…all And in your head the DJ set’s foreversomehow, but you and me are stuck together nowand I should leave here, I shouldn’t be here all…all…aloneIt’s not too late to go homeIt’s not too late to go homeGo home Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 2, 2015 Members Share Posted June 2, 2015 I like it! One thing that kinda stuck out lyrically is "I never thought you'd go this far..." I usually associate that phrase with success not the lack thereof. Maybe "I never thought you'd sink this far...?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 2, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 2, 2015 I like it! One thing that kinda stuck out lyrically is "I never thought you'd go this far..." I usually associate that phrase with success not the lack thereof. Maybe "I never thought you'd sink this far...?" This might be too literal a reading...I meant it more like "I can't believe you're pushing this so far"...it works better on the second verse than the first. But even if it's read as you see it, then it works ironically, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted June 3, 2015 Members Share Posted June 3, 2015 I like it as well....very strong chorus production. The "...go too far" lyric says the right thing to me. Definitely sounds 90's but that did not bother me. Is the "new phone" lyric new? I do think you could fill it in a bit with some instrumentation if you were so inspired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 3, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 3, 2015 I like it as well....very strong chorus production. The "...go too far" lyric says the right thing to me. Definitely sounds 90's but that did not bother me. Is the "new phone" lyric new? I do think you could fill it in a bit with some instrumentation if you were so inspired. Cool, thanks Leonard. Almost all the lyrics - other than the first few lines of v1 and the last 2 lines of the chorus are new. I always just mumbled the words. (No one I knew *had* a phone in 1993.) Yeah, it needs more *stuff* in the verses...stay tuned! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted June 3, 2015 Members Share Posted June 3, 2015 This might be too literal a reading...I meant it more like "I can't believe you're pushing this so far"...it works better on the second verse than the first. But even if it's read as you see it, then it works ironically, no? I thought ironically is what you were going for with "I never thought you'd go so far." I think it be nice to do some more of that at the end of that verse and save the "alone" for the chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 3, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 3, 2015 I thought ironically is what you were going for with "I never thought you'd go so far." I think it be nice to do some more of that at the end of that verse and save the "alone" for the chorus. Yeah, great catch - I noticed that too...leaning into "alone" at the end of v1 takes away from impact on "all alone" chorus - for me the tradeoff was that it sets up "so alone" / "so alive" going into each chorus. I'll reconsider though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 14, 2015 Author Members Share Posted July 14, 2015 Bumping this because (I'm obnoxious and) I'm recording this in the next few weeks and want to lock down the lyric and was hoping to get more feedback. And I'm obnoxious... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted July 15, 2015 Members Share Posted July 15, 2015 I can't see anything that obviously doesn't work.Your line 'But with you it all feels so contrived' seems to contain the essence of the song.There's something 'flimsy' about the two characters and their much ado about nothing.I somehow know that any day now they'll move on and go through it all again with someone else in a 90's sorta way. Anyway - that's my take on the song. I don't think it needs work on the lyric. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted July 15, 2015 Members Share Posted July 15, 2015 The chorus is really high energy, pops out extremely well from the verses - speaking musically. After chorus #1 I was eager for chorus 2. I know you are rerecording this. The one thing about the verse music is that it was pretty much constant (in terms of mix/orchestration) all the way though, and because of that it began to be repetitive after a while. When you rerecord it, maybe let it build a bit more, adding instruments etc so that it is constantly evolving and changing over the length of the song. But that chorus - man oh man I really liked the energy and the music. It's so strong, that I might have considered breaking the rules a little and putting the chorus up front before the first verse if it were my song. Food for thought anyways. Best, Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 15, 2015 Author Members Share Posted July 15, 2015 @rick thanks for chiming in. The verses are totally WIP musically, what's there is really just the bedrock, so stay tuned. I never really thought the chorus was great, more a way to set up the last line, but it's come out ok, especially the last one. When you say "after chorus #1 I was eager for chorus 2" do you mean it made v2 better because you knew another chorus was coming? If so that's great. Thanks again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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