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check out these songs!!


mojowilder

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Hey Mr. mojo-

I checked out your site and really only listened to one song (so far) so I thought I'd give you my critique. Since you don't know me and have no idea of whether I know what I'm talking about, I'll just give you a brief note and you can decide how much weight you want to give my opinion :cool:

 

I'm 32, have played in bar bands since I was 18. My last gig was as bassist for Fred Haring -you may like his stuff, the last album was produced by ex-Georgia Satellites leader Dan Baird- I did not play on the album, I joined after. www.fredharing.com

I've written original songs and my biggest successes have been one radio jingle, one song placed on an independent film soundtrack, singing on another independent film soundtrack, working with Fred on the upcoming album (I moved away before it was done, but have been assured I will get a "special thanks"-ha!) and putting out an original album with my band punchbug in 1997. I am currently working on my own stuff- so...

 

I listened to "aint on my mind", which has a Bob Dylan meets Steve Earle type of vibe to it that I liked. Simple arrangement, decent recording, it felt "live"-

Now, the lyrics were clever, but you are missing a big chance here. The tag line "you ain't on my mind, your only in my head" is fu*@ing brilliant!! and you are saving it until the end!!!

My suggestions:

Intro:cool/harmonica/etc.

First Verse, second verse should somehow relate to and end with "you ain't on my mind, you're only in my head"

Then do another little harmonica thing to lead into the next verse

end the song with the same line.

 

The whole Jesus thing was a cool scene, but felt out of place-

maybe a re-write as to how it relates to the title again. I won't bore you with suggesting song structure and bridge arrangements because I kinda think the song will work without following a conventional form, you are obviously going for more of a "true ballad" structure AAAAAA etc..... I get it-but definitely capitalize on your brilliant tag line!!!!!!!! Hit me with it at LEAST twice, probably more Once you've told the audience what the title is, they are waiting for the payoff-don't wait so long to give it to them, they want to know what the title means. I know there are different song structures, etc. etc. but try re arranging it and adding the tag line earlier as a mid point as well-make the verses "support" the title. I know you don't want to stray into Top 40 repeat the chorus a million times at the end, but give the audience something they can take with them.

 

That's as honest as I can be-

Peace,

Bryan Michael

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thanks for the great comments, Bryan! I really do appreciate it...I'll experiment with the song a little, but its always hard for me to change one after I've got a version down. I think your comments on repeatiing the "punch line" at least 2X are probably right on...the jesus thing was meant to give a feel of complete despair, where even jesus doesn't have time to hear the poor guy's (me) problems

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