Paris Song - new

[mbfrancis]

OK here's a new one, very much an assignment-type thing, trying to write to a narrative. Definitely not my comfort zone. Clearly not a super pop thing, more an art piece, ripping off the Amelie soundtrack. Definitely first draft and raw, but there are some nice lines here, I think, and the music is nice enough. Is it enough?

 

So...questions:

* Feels like maybe this is verse 1 and 3 and we're missing something in the middle...do I need to add anything to the story?

* Also does the melody get too leapy too often (everything's now clear)?

* Not sure on arrangement, keep it ethereal or do the drums/bass work?

* Is this a disaster lol?

* Yet another song where I wanted to keep alcohol out of it, yet there it is...does it work?

 

Any help appreciated..thanks as always!

 

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13120090

 

"Paris Song" or "Haven’t I Walked Long Enough?"

 

The skies broke

Six stops ago

and washed clean the streets

And traffic below

And everything’s now clear

Cause you were s’pposed to be …here

And we’d walked strange cities alone

Til we found ourselves

Frozen to bone

And I’d just learned your name

But still we kissed

And huddled there waiting for rain

 

And haven’t I walked long enough tonight

To get to sleep or get you off my mind

I lost my way in cold neon light

And haven’t I walked long enough tonight

 

So I wandered looking around me

For any smiling face in this town

And signs I that I could read

But no one gets to near…me

so I ducked into a café

and read and cried and

and drank ‘til I laughed

and the staff fed me Bordeaux

and told me where to

stay and to play and to go

 

And haven’t I walked long enough tonight

To get to sleep or get you off my mind

I lost my way in green neon light

And haven’t I walked long enough tonight...

[oldgitplayer]

I think you have set something in motion that is worth pursuing.

I agree that the narrative feels incomplete and the middle of the storyline is missing.

 

I see Option 1 as adding another verse or Option 2 as re-writing the current V2 to be about you and her instead of it being about just you.

The Chorus is just about you, so maybe the overall structure may have better bones if the verses are about the 2 of you and the chorus just about you.

 

The overall song is leaning towards sounding like a show tune, and that is reinforced by the almost acappella chorus. Personally, I'd like to hear a single instrument, but doing more than just perfunctory chords.

 

I'm not finding the melody 'leapy' as you put it. And it's years since I saw Amelie, so I don't recall the soundtrack.

I like the use of drums and bass. They shift it away from the show tune category.

 

I prefer the title 'Paris Song' but I'd also like a word here and there that locates it firmly in Paris. 'Cafe' and 'Bordeaux' are insufficient as they are global.

 

Maybe the chorus could be lyrically tighter

 

And haven’t I walked long enough tonight

To get you right out of my mind (this needs to be improved, but maybe say one thing rather than 2 )

I lost my way in the cold Paris light (maybe introduce location here)

I think I've walked long enough tonight (instead of repeating the question in the 1st line, maybe answer it conclusively)

 

Anyway - these are my thoughts for consideration, but keep going, I think it has potential.

[mbfrancis]

Wow thanks for all the note OGP, very generous. Perhaps the story isn't clear...we had a few romantic days elsewhere in Europe and she was supposed to meet me on the train for Paris, she was going to show me the city, and she didn't show, I was just a fling. So I wandered the mean city alone, finally finding refuge in cafe where the locals embraced me. Or something like that. Knowing that would the comments change?

 

I'll have to think about the Paris stuff - I deliberately didn't want to mention anything specific. Cafe is a cafe, Bordeaux was for the rhyme (the staff all said hello?). "Green neon light" is the only thing (all the pharmacies). That could be an error on my part.

 

Thanks again!

[LCK]

I think you have set something in motion that is worth pursuing.

I agree that the narrative feels incomplete and the middle of the storyline is missing.

 

Maybe the chorus could be lyrically tighter

 

And haven’t I walked long enough tonight

To get you right out of my mind (this needs to be improved, but maybe say one thing rather than 2 )

I lost my way in the cold Paris light (maybe introduce location here)

I think I've walked long enough tonight (instead of repeating the question in the 1st line, maybe answer it conclusively)

 

Anyway - these are my thoughts for consideration, but keep going, I think it has potential.

 

I agree. I found the narrative a bit difficult to follow.

 

I think it's nice sometimes to just give us pictures and vignettes (or pieces of vignettes), but sometimes you need more of a hook into the story.

 

[video=youtube;keOrmK8C8OM]

[rhino55]

I kind of prefer "Haven't I Walked Long Enough?" for the title. If you decide to go with "Paris Song," then you really need to anchor it in Paris, not with a reference to the Effiel Tower or anything, but specifically the attitude the city tends to give off to outsiders. Comparing the cliched city of love with the lonely facts might be nice. Then that sets up the staff at the cafe welcoming you.

 

The story that you related in post 3 makes it makes more sense but I don't think it's clear from the song just yet.

[mbfrancis]

OK, thanks all. That Blossom Dearie song is almost perfect for what I'm going for, yeah.

 

* I'm pretty happy with the first verse, so ... where to go from there?

* Other feedback I got is that it breaks down too soon...that the "haven't I walked..." is more if a bridge, so I need another chorus section with a similar vibe to the verse, but different music.

* Yeah if it's about Paris, it should be non-obvious stuff. Wasn't planning on making it obvious.

* Not sure we have to end up in the cafe, or with the welcoming staff. What's the point?

* No comments on the music so I suppose that's OK?

 

Open to any story ideas that help guide this. Any details you suggest?

[oldgitplayer]

How does this structure appeal?

 

V1

The skies broke

Six stops ago

and washed clean the streets

And traffic below

And everything’s now clear

Cause you were s’pposed to be …here

 

Ch

And haven’t I walked long enough tonight

To get you right out of my mind

I lost my way in the cold Paris light

I think I've walked long enough tonight

 

V2

And we’d walked strange cities alone

Til we found ourselves

Frozen to bone

And I’d just learned your name

But still we kissed

And huddled there waiting for rain

 

Ch

And haven’t I walked long enough tonight

To get you right out of my mind

I lost my way in the cold Paris light

I think I've walked long enough tonight

 

V3

This verse is about how you went your separate ways - how the experience and closeness wasn't enough to keep you together - how some people, no matter how briefly meaningful the relationship, don't have the ingredients for cohesion

(or anything else that creates the basis for your nocturnal wanderings)

 

Ch

And haven’t I walked long enough tonight

To get you right out of my mind

I lost my way in the cold Paris light

I think I've walked long enough tonight

 

 

[rsadasiv]

So...questions:

 

* Feels like maybe this is verse 1 and 3 and we're missing something in the middle...do I need to add anything to the story?

 

* Also does the melody get too leapy too often (everything's now clear)?

 

* Not sure on arrangement, keep it ethereal or do the drums/bass work?

 

* Is this a disaster lol?

 

* Yet another song where I wanted to keep alcohol out of it, yet there it is...does it work?

 

 

 

Story is fine. As LeonardScaper once commented, the story you told in prose is also interesting but in a different sense.

 

 

 

The melody is excellent. Maybe use the melody for the first couplet twice to begin the first verse.

 

 

 

Keep the drums/bass.

 

 

 

Not a disaster lol.

 

 

 

Alcohol is part and parcel of the story and setting.

[rsadasiv]

Fwiw the intro to Cold Bridge is Laura Nyro-sequel.

[mbfrancis]

@OGP I like the structure, it works, but I'm going in the opposite direction I think ... a *longer* wait before "haven't I." Also I need to make the timeline clearer and add details: Starts on the train pulling into Paris, she's not there but she was supposed to be, flashback they had traveled together before. I think I'm missing a couple of things which should help: 1) she was supposed to lead him around (literally)...he's lost w/out her, she was the Paris fan. And 2) something about getting off the train alone. I get to walking around too soon. Hopefully it will be clearer then.

 

The Chorus is very deliberate currently, but I'll think about your suggestions...still torn on actually talking about Paris. Thanks again!

 

The melody is excellent. Maybe use the melody for the first couplet twice to begin the first verse.

Ram lives!

Um...what do you consider the first couplet? Ending on "below"?

 

Alcohol is part and parcel of the story and setting.

Alas, it seems alcohol is *always* part and parcel, so I'm trying to get away from it. .png' alt='16x16_smiley-sad.png.d4cf617ea16282573b7f8a6e78e4ecbd.png' alt='smiley-sad'>.png'>

[stickboymusic]

This is very cool - definitely missing a chorus.

 

I once saw a nice phrase.... a play on "wish you were here" and it was "wish you were her" I often thought about writing it but i wonder if it will fit with your song....if so...run with it.

 

You met a girl.... she was beautiful...you kissed..... but damn you wish it was HER!

 

We walked by moonlight

Ate per la mer

But all this time

I wish you were her.

[mbfrancis]

Haha, actually this is one of my favorite songs ever, wonderful lyric:

 

[video=youtube;Ygt-jJs2-a8]

 

" Wish You Were Her"

 

There's a girl sleeping in my bed

And I'm singing unwritten songs in my head

She provided bittersweet company

I confided how much you mean to me

 

And this time, I'm gonna take a train to pull me through

Some brief distraction from your memory

Is all that I had hoped that she might be

And as I let her warm her feet on me

Wish you were her

 

That I wanted you to be my wife

Is the worst kept secret in my life

Everyone knows, even my friend here

I've just whispered your name in her ear

 

And this time, I'm gonna take a train to pull me through

Some brief distraction from your memory

Is all that I had hoped that she might be

And as I ask her how she takes her tea

Wish you were her

 

Her, I wish you were her

[stickboymusic]

Haha, actually this is one of my favorite songs ever, wonderful lyric:

 

[video=youtube;Ygt-jJs2-a8]

 

 

ahhhhhh of course it's ALREADY a song. Damn you billy.

 

 

[rsadasiv]

Um...what do you consider the first couplet? Ending on "below"?

 

The skies broke

Six stops ago <-- Couplet 1

and washed clean the streets

And traffic below <-- Couplet 2

 

 

Keep the same melody on "washed clean ...." . The melodic jump in "everything" is the hook so highlight that transition. The second verse has two fewer lines so leave that as is.

 

A little less forte on the right hand in the verse - again, the high note in "everything" is the hook, and banging on that high note in the accompaniment before you get there with the vocal reduces the impact of that jump.

 

Not really a fan of the atmospheric pad and wavering synth lead. The arrangement switch to drums/bass is effective and might be even more so with a sparser setup in the first verse.

 

 

[mbfrancis]

@Stick - are you sure it needs a chorus...I saw it as going and going and then stop (haven't I walked...). Seems like that bit is hooky, but I need to wait to deploy it? Maybe my big sweeping chorus is about Paris. Call it "Paris, Go To Hell" or "Paris, You Suck Without Love." Dunno.

 

@Ram I think I get it. I am deliberately *not* repeating lines like I normally would, but maybe the melody develops *too* quickly. Need mroe repetition. FYI not sure I even *like* the "everything's now clear" leapy stuff, it kind of takes you out of the hypnotic flow. Wavering synth is a placeholder, but something unorthodox must go there. Pad is an organ lol. But I take your point. For now just trying to finish.

[LeonardScaper]

I love it.

 

Don't think it needs a chorus or really much of anything. I like the complexity of the story line as well as the wavering instrumentation but maybe fade it into the background as it plays.......with some delay or EQ.

 

Listening again right now.......am I hearing bass in..."As I wandered......"? If so...I want more bass there....maybe bring it back again in "I lost my way in green neon light" (nice line, btw)

 

the way you presented the story....made me want to listen again. That is never a bad thing, right?

 

*wave*

[mbfrancis]

Thanks Leonard, good stuff. Re: bass - You are basically asking me to do precisely what I'm doing, ha - the bass comes in on v2 ("so I wandered")...it starts high though. Then it drops out for a few bars but comes back in on "I lost my way" with the drums. Should it just be louder?

[LeonardScaper]

Perhaps it should. I felt it coming and then had to listen for it. I think it could add a bit more dimension to the whole song by giving the bass a real speaking role in those places rather than just having it support.

[mbfrancis]

OK I wrote a proper chorus for this - nice music, no words yet, stay tuned.

 

[Delmont]

Good start! One suggestion: If you put Paris in the title, put Paris in the song. A bottle of Bodeaux is good, but it's not enough to justify the title. Here's an example of an effective "place" song:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mf_fG5s28PA

 

See?

[mbfrancis]

Good start! One suggestion: If you put Paris in the title, put Paris in the song. A bottle of Bodeaux is good, but it's not enough to justify the title. Here's an example of an effective "place" song:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mf_fG5s28PA

 

See?

 

Actually I'm deliberately avoiding any mention of Paris. Bordeaux was for the rhyme, I'd replace it in a second (who drinks Bordeaux?) if I had something better. Title is a placeholder, may stay, may not. This isn't a Top 40 thing, more of an art song I guess (I may be delusional here).

[Delmont]

Makes sense.

[Delmont]

PS - Songwriters got along fine for centuries without choruses. They're okay from time to time, but never obligatory!