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You and I ..pushing my luck...lol


Lane1777

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Hi guys, I know I`m pushing my luck but if I can get you all to take a look at this song and share your thoughts and

ideas. I have made some changes so I`ll post them too. as soon as I get this close, I`ll go back to work on the songs

I posted here and stop bug`n you all..lol

Not much to tell you on this song, I think reflections of love might explain it best. thank you everyone.

"I added my re-write at the bottom'

 

I wanted this done just a voice and acoustic

 

 

You and I

1]

Its been some time

I thought of you tonight.

sitting by the embers, of a fire thats burning bright.

2]

I don`t often think about you

theres been a time or two.

tonight I really miss you

I let my heart go back.

 

"chorus

didn`t we dance a little longer

in the pouring rain.

didn`t we get a little stronger...side-by side.

didn`t we love a little harder, you and I..

..didn`t we say good-bye. [this was written as a reflection a person had] [can I get away with that?]

 

3]

it`s a mystery

we never made it through these years.

we were so in love ..how it all

made perfect sense.

4]

I could say I`m sorry

that it all turned out this way.

holding on together

We got lost along the way.

 

bridge

there are times when I think of You

and the times We made it through..

 

chorus

didn`t we dance a little longer

in the pouring rain.

didn`t we get a little stronger...side-by side.

didn`t we love a little harder, you and I..

didn`t we say good-bye.

 

chorus

didn`t we dance a little longer

in the pouring rain.

didn`t we get a little stronger...side-by side.

didn`t we love a little harder, you and I..

 

© Copyright 2015 Vincent. All Rights Reserved.

 

 

[re-write]

 

1] Its been some time

I thought of you tonight.

sitting by the fire where your memory's burning bright

 

2]

You know I often think about you

yes theres been a time or two.

tonight I really miss you

I let my heart go back.

 

 

 

 

[this is one more thought about that first verse,,it might work better]

 

Sitting by the embers

I thought of you tonight

With the memories of a fire that burned so bright

 

 

 

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Great stuff here, love the chorus. I would call this, "Didn't We?"

Here are just some ideas to tighten it up maybe:

 

 

You and I

1]

Its been some time

I thought of you tonight.

sitting by the embers, of a fire that once burned bright

2]

most days I can't deny

I forget all that I learn

but tonight I really miss you

I let my heart return.

 

"chorus

didn`t we dance a little longer

in the pouring rain.

didn`t we get a little stronger...through the pain [or something like that]

didn`t we love a little harder, you and I..

...so why did we [have to] say good-bye.

 

3]

it`s still a mystery

we never made it through those years.

we were so in love ..how it all

made perfect sense.

 

[is it a mystery?...seems like you need to drop a hint here about what happened and whose fault it was, even if it was no one's or both of yours.]

 

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This is really nice to listen to - has a good feel.

 

I agree that the lyric can be tightened.

My input is ………about prosody (it is most of the time) and I'm going to focus on the chorus and try and smooth it out a bit.

Having 2 syllable words in one line like 'didn't' and 'little' damage the ease and relaxed feel of the song.

 

Maybe something like this:

 

We could have danced longer

In the pouring rain

We could have grown stronger

Working through the pain

We could have loved much harder

You and I

And never said goodbye.

 

It doesn't have to be those words, but just the flow that is achieved without the 'rattle' of 'didn't' and 'little'.

 

Maybe try it and see if the flow feels better to sing.

 

 

 

 

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This is really nice to listen to - has a good feel.

 

I agree that the lyric can be tightened.

 

We could have danced longer

In the pouring rain

We could have grown stronger

Working through the pain

We could have loved much harder

You and I

And never said goodbye.

 

It doesn't have to be those words, but just the flow that is achieved without the 'rattle' of 'didn't' and 'little'.

 

Maybe try it and see if the flow feels better to sing.

 

 

I like the "rattle" of those words, but I agree the lyric needs work. As is it doesn't make sense to me. I think Martin's on the right track with his suggestions.

 

It's a nice, heartfelt tune, though. Very listenable.

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Another good one.

 

I was also going to suggest changing the first verse. I like both of the rewrites you have in the OP. I think I prefer the way Martin did it, truer to the original and doesn't use the word memory. That is one of my personal hangups. I've used it and seen it used to great success, but it gets used so often in songs I try and avoid it.

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Not crazy about my v2 either, seems like you could pack more meaning in there, reveal something about yourself. Why don't you miss her usually, and what's different tonight?

 

Maybe communicate something like, "nowadays I don't think of you too much, it's too painful, too much regret, but this dying fire brought it all back." Or "nowadays I don't think of you too much, I thought I was over you, but this dying fire brought it all back."

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Another good one.

 

I was also going to suggest changing the first verse. I like both of the rewrites you have in the OP. I think I prefer the way Martin did it, truer to the original and doesn't use the word memory. That is one of my personal hangups. I've used it and seen it used to great success, but it gets used so often in songs I try and avoid it.

 

Yes, the word memory is the bane of my lyrical existence.

 

The English language is full of so many rich synonyms, but there are only two words one can use to convey a remembrance of things past.

 

*Addendum: (There are actually three, now that I think about it: memory, remembrance, and recollection...)

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As a noun yes. There are plenty of verbs that will let the listener know you are talking about a memory without saying that word. Reminisce, flashback, recall are a few that come to mind. I thought Lane did a great job of it in the first couplet of this one. This is obviously a combination of words

 

Its been some time

I thought of you tonight.

 

The next line is great because it puts us in an immediate situation while also setting up a nice metaphor for the rest of the imagery in the song. (if he chooses to go that way with it)

 

sitting by the embers, of a fire that once burned bright.

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I agree that "didn't we" might work better as "we could have" or "couldn't we," but I don't think "a little longer" would throw off the prosody. I'm reading so maybe it isn't as smooth as it could be in the performance. It sounds natural to me on a read through because that's exactly how I would say it.

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too dorky?

 

v2

I thought that we were history

I thought that I'd moved on

but as the firelight started fading

I started on this song

 

didn`t we dance....

 

I think it works but I don't know that the song would be best served by such a self aware statement. I would try and keep bringing in fire imagery.

 

I don`t often think about you

theres been a time or two.

amidst the smoke and ash

tonight my heart wondered back

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My problem with this line is that is minimizes her...only a time or two? Begs the question why...was she nothing special? That's not what the song says.

 

 

 

Good point. I kind of liked the fact that he's saying it isn't often even though the song makes it feel like that isn't the case. It sounds like the sort of thing somebody would say, trying to be guarded. It is entirely possible I'm reading too far into it, but isn't that what we do best?

 

 

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Great stuff here, love the chorus. I would call this, "Didn't We?"

Here are just some ideas to tighten it up maybe:

 

 

You and I

1]

Its been some time

I thought of you tonight.

sitting by the embers, of a fire that once burned bright

2]

most days I can't deny

I forget all that I learn

but tonight I really miss you

I let my heart return.

 

"chorus

didn`t we dance a little longer

in the pouring rain.

didn`t we get a little stronger...through the pain [or something like that]

didn`t we love a little harder, you and I..

...so why did we [have to] say good-bye.

 

3]

it`s still a mystery

we never made it through those years.

we were so in love ..how it all

made perfect sense.

 

[is it a mystery?...seems like you need to drop a hint here about what happened and whose fault it was, even if it was no one's or both of yours.]

 

I can use a lot of this, but I have trouble with didn`t we, there is a song... big time song Didn`t we almost make it this time...didn`t we almost make the poem rhyme didn`t we? all kinds of top notch people sang it. but I looked up "you and I" lots of stuff trailing that title too. don`t know what to call this, I `ll be thinking on it.

 

"still" that's a big help, funny how a word can fix things..

your last post MB .. I don`t know of a woman that wants to hear "I don`t often think about you" that will change, the second verse I wrote was the attempt to do that. thanks so much for getting in here and commenting, I take everything and put it on a notepad and work through it.

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As a noun yes. There are plenty of verbs that will let the listener know you are talking about a memory without saying that word. Reminisce, flashback, recall are a few that come to mind. I thought Lane did a great job of it in the first couplet of this one. This is obviously a combination of words

 

Its been some time

I thought of you tonight.

 

The next line is great because it puts us in an immediate situation while also setting up a nice metaphor for the rest of the imagery in the song. (if he chooses to go that way with it)

 

sitting by the embers, of a fire that once burned bright.

 

thank you rhino for your ideas and comments, I have to get it all together and sit down with it, see what I come up with and get it back on here..."man, re-write...re-write...lol. but I`m used to that..

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I like the "rattle" of those words, but I agree the lyric needs work. As is it doesn't make sense to me. I think Martin's on the right track with his suggestions.

 

It's a nice, heartfelt tune, though. Very listenable.

 

I like that too LCK, maybe I can incorporate a little of it in this!

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This is really nice to listen to - has a good feel.

 

I agree that the lyric can be tightened.

My input is ………about prosody (it is most of the time) and I'm going to focus on the chorus and try and smooth it out a bit.

Having 2 syllable words in one line like 'didn't' and 'little' damage the ease and relaxed feel of the song.

 

Maybe something like this:

 

We could have danced longer

In the pouring rain

We could have grown stronger

Working through the pain

We could have loved much harder

You and I

And never said goodbye.

 

It doesn't have to be those words, but just the flow that is achieved without the 'rattle' of 'didn't' and 'little'.

 

Maybe try it and see if the flow feels better to sing.

 

 

 

 

I`m going to try everything here OGP see what works, you know? what I hear and what others might,,I`ll have to get this back a time or two before its over, or good enough to move on..thank you so much OGP for commenting, every thing helps .

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