Members Lane1777 Posted April 19, 2015 Members Share Posted April 19, 2015 guess I can explain this a little..had a friend, She thought it was more, I didn`t by the time I found out, She passed. forgive the singing its me, and its just to let you see what I was doing with this,give you a better feel for the song..any thoughts on this are welcome. it all helps me.thank you all that helped me with the last lyric, I think its working much better.. verse1 The memorieshave not always been kind.The time for crying...the time I walked away. verse2 There was a softness,We held the night.There was never a promise,and We said good-bye. chorus: It was just like thunderjust like the rain.the heart without loveship without sail.It's all like thunder,and so hard to explain.Just like falling,and going under a wave. verse3 Time is a desperate thing,hearts can survive.You remember the fragile things,and the tears people cry. verse4 Look at Me wishing,on every star above.Look at Me praying,She was here to love. bridge: Here I amamong the polished stones,leaving notes in the bitter cold.Here I am,saying good-bye again. chorus: and It's just like thunder,just like the rain.the heart without love,ship without sail. It`s all like thunder,and so hard to explainIt is just like falling,and going under a wave. tag: it is just like fallingand going under a wave... © Copyright 2015 Vincent. All Rights Reserved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 20, 2015 Members Share Posted April 20, 2015 Lyrically this is great, like really f*cking great. This is totally nit picky, but the only thing that I thought didn't sit exactly right for me was "and I said goodbye." Given the back story it makes sense but in the context of the lyric it felt like it should have been "and we said goodbye." Another possible fix would be to change the the last line of V1 to "the time I walked away." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lane1777 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 20, 2015 that's what I`m talking about, those little things others see and I can`t ...those changes work better for me Rhino, I`ll fix-it.thanks so much for stopping in and giving this a listen and commenting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lane1777 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 20, 2015 ok, in the song now I changed those two small things, so if you listen the track won`t fit the write, I didn`t change the track..this note is just a heads-up. I`m not going to yodel that all over again....lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 20, 2015 Members Share Posted April 20, 2015 Hey Lane--This is cool, thanks for posting. I'll be quick (@work):* For the most part I *love* the chorus, so good. Feels like line 2 should perfect rhyme with 'sail.' * Other problem with chorus is I don’t see any connection between what you *say* the song is about and the actual lyric. No lines about how you had your chance and lost it, etc. * Feels like the title is "Just like Thunder." If you want it to be Under a Wave then that lines needs to be strengthened I think.* "Just like falling" could be better, what do you do that lands you under a wave?..."like capsizing"?* In the verses, I'd love some more vivid nouns, some actual things. Right now you have memories, time, time, softness, night, promise, time, thing, hearts, things, tears, people. Maybe this is where you tell the story that you refer to above - give it some more teeth to set up the more philosophical, analytical chorus?Good stuff - hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 20, 2015 Members Share Posted April 20, 2015 Do you have a track? I'd like to hear how the words sound with the music... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 21, 2015 Members Share Posted April 21, 2015 Do you have a track? I'd like to hear how the words sound with the music... Link is there at bottom of the post: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13104311 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lane1777 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 21, 2015 ok Mb, I think I can do that, the title."just like thunder" will work just as well, let me ask you this, if I change the wordjust like falling...it says AND going under a wave...if I change the little word to OR going under a wave would that change the effect? ok, let me think on the other parts you came up with..thank you Mb for taking time to listen and add your thoughts on this. LANE I`ll work on that 2. line to go with "the heart without loveship without sail." see what I can come up with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lane1777 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 21, 2015 LCK don`t expect to much...lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 21, 2015 Members Share Posted April 21, 2015 Well those were only initial thoughts, and only my opinion, only follow if you agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 21, 2015 Members Share Posted April 21, 2015 Really love this - love the kind of wonky recordings too that sound like you are using a an old tape machine (what actually is that!?) Your voice is also perfect for this so stop being so hard on yourself. Ive been thinking about the chorus a lot and have a few ideas.... they may be waaaaaay off what you were thinking but feel free to adapt and use if you see fit. YOU WERE just thunderI WAS just like rain.WE ALWAYS WENT HAND IN HANDBUT NEVER QUITE THE SAMELOVES AN ENDLESS OCEANand so hard to explain.BUT I GUESS I WAS JUST SINKINGand going under a wave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 21, 2015 Members Share Posted April 21, 2015 Wow. Really dug this... it's like James Taylor meets Willie Nelson. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lane1777 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 21, 2015 hey STM, let me explain these songs so you know what I`m doing. I write lyric out "rough get a melody out, and run a few tracks of what I want done, I have a friend with a studio and He does the music good enough for a demo. sends it back...I load it on a program on a laptop and sing along...lol..ok music and meter are finished..then I come here and put it on and scream help with the lyric! once finished and I`m only looking for a passible write, something that makes sense...have a real singer do it for me. I have a finished demo. presentable. ok..saying all that let me tell you my madness..looking in my past my great grandfathers did some things.and records are there..i`m not trying to be anything and I don`t pitch or push the music. It goes in a case and on the shelf..and maybe years from now, they will find their great grandfather..that is silly I know, but its me... I`m basically a writer I don`t want to sing, I do play guitar and enjoy that. lol if you want to hear something I consider finished let me know and I`ll load a song in the video board here. this is way more than you wanted to know I`ll bet..thank you for stopping here and your ideas on this, I copy everything, Lane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lane1777 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 21, 2015 hey bee3, ..... lol thank you for stopping and commenting ..that me "old "rough and always saying to much!...lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 22, 2015 Members Share Posted April 22, 2015 I've listened to the 3 songs you have posted. I like the vibe of them all - easy to listen to.Country - yes, but they have other seasoning in them that makes them interesting to the ear. On this one, I agree that 'Just Like Thunder' would be a better title. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lane1777 Posted April 23, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 23, 2015 thank you so much ogp for taking the time to listen, the first two songs ...just quick songs so I`ll stay on the track as the singer, but others I like to get a better singer for them, I googled just like thunder, and under a wave either will work ...I`m going to change it to "just like thunder. and one other change in the song and I`m finished. thanks again OGP for listening and taking time to comment..Lane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 24, 2015 Members Share Posted April 24, 2015 This has a really nice vibe. I could listen to this kind of stuff all day... This one reminds me of Blaze Foley... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 24, 2015 Members Share Posted April 24, 2015 One more comment: I wish I could write something like this, something that feels warm, relaxed, heartfelt, easygoing, and natural. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lane1777 Posted April 25, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 25, 2015 thank you LCK what a nice thing to say..and thank you for taking time to listen and comment..Lane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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