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new bluegrass tune


Delmont

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Hi! A few mornings ago I wrote an up-tempo bluegrass thing - some quick chord changes, a snappy, swingy feel. Have any suggestions on where the lyrics could be stronger? They go:

 

CHORUS:

 

Cold steel (cold steel!), hard hearts (hard hearts!),

ain't no telling where it ends the second trouble starts.

Cold steel, (cold steel!), hard hearts (hard hearts!),

I must confess corn liquor and the devil played their parts.

 

VERSE 1:

 

I was minding my own business, the way I always do,

drew to fill a four-card flush, like Daddy taught me to.

My heart leapt like a stallion when that diamond winked at me,

but the dealer showed four aces, took my farm and property.

 

VERSE 2:

 

I tried to cheer my wife up, said it's prob'ly for the best,

the weevils ate up half the crop and a dust storm ate the rest.

But she would not be placated, so I set out on my own.

I often get the urge to write her when I'm near a telephone.

 

CHORUS

 

VERSE 3:

 

It was in the town of Dime Box, fall of '34,

I got to make my last mistake to square up one last score.

That card sharp didn't know me, 'cause I didn't look the same.

Sank my Bowie twice in that heart of ice, and as they cuffed my hands I sang:

 

CHORUS

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Big fan! This is very well done. It's got murder, humor, and retribution.

 

There's some really good lines in here. "Diamond winked at me" and "for the best, because the weevils..." especially.

 

'My farm and property' seems like it might be a mouthful to end a line on.

 

"Placated" seems out of character.

 

 

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Very nice.

 

I like "placated" by the way. I think it would depend on the prosody as to whether it works or not. If the word sits on top of the melody just right, it could be really cool.

 

So let's hear it played and sung!

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Great lyric - I liked it straight away.

I'm afraid that 'placated' did jump out at me though. You've set up a narrative that immediately conveys a certain character using a certain vocabulary. Suddenly he uses 'placated' which feels like a word he wouldn't understand, let alone use.

 

It's a perfect word and conveys the precise meaning that you want - it just doesn't sound authentic to this character.

I'd expect him to say something like, 'I couldn't soothe her anger, so I set out on my own'. (or quiet her anger).

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Glad you like it! "Placated" is still working for me - with the "would not" instead of "wouldn't" it comes out sounding like he's trying to be superior when he doesn't have a leg to stand on. I sprang the tune on a couple of buddies tonight, and "placated" got smiles.

 

I'll probably replace "leapt like a stallion" with "jumped like a kingsnake" - less alliteration but also less predictable and just as macho. I've changed "my last mistake" to "one last mistake" so it parallels "one last score" better.

 

Glad no one got stuck on Dime Box. That I might have changed if you'd said what-the-flock. It's a town in Texas that I know nothing about. I saw it on a map once and liked the sound of it.

 

The "Bowie" line is still kind of awkward. "I stabbed him twice in that heart of ice"? " I expect it'll solve itself sooner or later.

 

It might be a while before I record it. My Tascam rig is in the basement. It's too cold down there to record now, and it will be too wet in a month or two. I'll probably wait until after the thaw and the spring flooding. Meanwhile, here are the chords:

 

Chorus:

 

G / C /

Em C / F D /

G / C /

G - C Em / D G /

 

Verses:

 

G / C Am /

C D / C G /

G / C Am /

C D / C G /

 

There are a couple of ear-candy hooks, but that's pretty much it. When it's recorded, I'll send you a link. Been learning dobro, so that might be featured. The fun never stops!

 

Thanks for the comments.

 

Del

http://www.thefullertons.net

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I, on the other hand, really like the end of verse two. The juxtaposition/conflict of "get the urge to write... near a telephone" fits for me.

 

As for 'Bowie' and 'heart of ice', that line really cemented the 'Cold steel, hard heart' of the chorus. Nice.

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As for 'Bowie' and 'heart of ice'' date=' that line really cemented the 'Cold steel, hard heart' of the chorus. Nice.[/quote']

 

It takes me a year or so to settle into a final version of a song, so all these comments are good. Today, that last line is more like:

 

"Stuck an ice pick in that frozen heart...."

 

But you're right, there's more cold steel in a Bowie. A ponderable.

 

It's probably just because of my new dobro and the Steeldrivers CDs a friend sent me recently, but I'm coming up with a rash of bluegrass tunes. Here's the one from yesterday morning:

 

"Soon"

 

Verse 1:

 

Yesterday my life was bleak and blue,

a thousand miles away from you.

Thought for sure that we were through,

and I still could not stop loving you.

 

Verse 2:

 

I've been to Philly and I've been to hell,

and any place is better that a cheap motel

where the walls have ears and the beds have bugs

and the squad car in the parking lot is selling hard drugs.

 

Chorus:

 

But then the desk clerk told me you'd called seven times!

That's my lucky number, now I feel so fine.

Checked out first thing, caught a ride by noon,

been covering ground, gonna be home soon.

 

Verse 3:

 

I walked those strange streets all night long,

haunted by our favorite song.

Woke up on a railroad track,

and that same refrain came highballing back.

 

Chorus:

 

But then the desk clerk told me....

 

verses:

G C /

G D /

G C /

G - D G /

 

chorus:

 

C G C G /

C G D - /

C G CD Em /

C G D G /

 

I'll be recording this one when the weather's better, too.

 

Del

www.thefullertons.net

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