Members mbfrancis Posted March 5, 2015 Members Share Posted March 5, 2015 Hey after 3 months off here's the first thing I have. Sorry I've been a bit dark and not commenting as much...been slammed with work. This is a little all over the place lyrically and musically, but I'm hoping you can help with a gut check. Does it suck? Are the lyrics too generic (all tell no show)? Arrangement is super rough, more to get an idea of the vibe, and I'm not sold on the back half of the chorus, which feels like a different song. Any input appreciated. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13067402 [delay removed] - "Cold, Cold Heart" Please don’t say your love is true Please stop hanging ‘round and telling me what to do Please stop lying to my face Don’t go telling me I haven’t been replaced Please stop chewing on your thumb Please don’t look at me like I’m the crazy one and please stop picking up the phone every time I call each time I feel alone Chorus And Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii’m waking up in bed with shakes again Cause Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii’m making all the same mistakes again cause you know it’s hard to stay on guard fighting off a cold, cold heart a cold, cold heart why can’t I learn I always burn Trying to warm a cold, cold heart a cold, cold heart EDIT: new mix here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 5, 2015 Members Share Posted March 5, 2015 It's a nice idea - have to say i was relieved when the delay went away on the chorus.... maybe lay it off a bit on the verse... maybe end of lines? (or not at all) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 5, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 5, 2015 It's a nice idea - have to say i was relieved when the delay went away on the chorus.... maybe lay it off a bit on the verse... maybe end of lines? (or not at all) Swapped it out above. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 5, 2015 Members Share Posted March 5, 2015 I can't help but think of the Hank Williams song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 5, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 5, 2015 I can't help but think of the Hank Williams song. Huh, honestly never heard it. I may lose that part, what do you think of the rest? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 5, 2015 Members Share Posted March 5, 2015 I think it's pretty good. I didn't get "Don't go telling me I haven't been replaced" at first, but I do now. That line and "please stop picking up the phone" are very good. I would say you need to add more of that, but I think if you did they would loose their impact. But to me that's the heart of the song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 5, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 5, 2015 I think it's pretty good. I didn't get "Don't go telling me I haven't been replaced" at first' date=' but I do now. That line and "please stop picking up the phone" are very good. I would say you need to add more of that, but I think if you did they would loose their impact. But to me that's the heart of the song. [/quote'] Yeah, it's not the most reliable narrator, hopefully not too confusing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted March 5, 2015 Members Share Posted March 5, 2015 Cold cold heart if a very famous country song by Hank Williams...Norah Jones does a nice cover on her hit album...might want to re-think that title...the delay was distracting. The rest is ok for me... some tweaks needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 6, 2015 Members Share Posted March 6, 2015 When I saw the title, I thought it might be a homage to hank williams or his song in some sort of way. Musically the chorus hardly differs from the verse in both rhythm and melody. with the exception of the lift on 'iiiiiiiiim' the vocal range sounds much the same. You usually post extremely competent pieces, but I think this is a bit below your own standard. But we can't get them all right all the time can we?……....png.197c47f720636f02390cc2b0a33804da.png' alt='smiley-veryhappy'> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 6, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 6, 2015 Musically the chorus hardly differs from the verse in both rhythm and melody. with the exception of the lift on 'iiiiiiiiim' the vocal range sounds much the same. Actually, my assignment on this was to try to write a one-note melody. I was inspired by this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yDP9MKVhZc. I guess I didn't pull it off, ha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 6, 2015 Members Share Posted March 6, 2015 [video=youtube;gqgSXCAgX7Y]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqgSXCAgX7Y It's hard to write a one-note song... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 6, 2015 Members Share Posted March 6, 2015 Just listened, and I think this is terrific. I wanted to hear more. A lot more. It's great. Just change the title, and give us more of the story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 6, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 6, 2015 Just listened, and I think this is terrific. I wanted to hear more. A lot more. It's great. Just change the title, and give us more of the story. Thanks LCK, won't jump off the building now. Chorus needs some love, agreed, and story needs some detail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 6, 2015 Members Share Posted March 6, 2015 I don't know what you mean by the "chorus needs some love." It sounds good to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 6, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 6, 2015 I don't know what you mean by the "chorus needs some love." It sounds good to me. Well if I have to change the title, it needs *some* work. Also, I'm not 100% into it at "you know it's hard." Might be chords or lyric...dunno. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 6, 2015 Members Share Posted March 6, 2015 Well if I have to change the title, it needs *some* work. Also, I'm not 100% into it at "you know it's hard." Might be chords or lyric...dunno. Well, I like it. If you can make it better, good! Do it. But I have no suggestions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 7, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 7, 2015 Some options would be replacing a word so, "cold cold xxx" or "cold xxx heart." Or it could be "my cold cold heart," so, "Fighting off my cold cold heart." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 8, 2015 Members Share Posted March 8, 2015 Some options would be replacing a word so, "cold cold xxx" or "cold xxx heart." Or it could be "my cold cold heart," so, "Fighting off my cold cold heart." "Trying to Warm a Cold, Cold Heart." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 8, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 8, 2015 Tweaked lyric, I'll record this tonight: "My Cold, Cold Heart" Please don’t say your love is truePlease stop hanging ‘round and telling me what to doPlease stop lying to my faceDon’t go telling me I haven’t been replacedNo, please don't bite your tonguePlease don’t look at me like I’m the crazy oneand please stop picking up the phoneevery time I calleach time I feel alone ChorusAnd Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii - I’m waking up alone with shakes againCause Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii - I’m making all the same mistakes againcause you know it’s hardto stay on guardfighting off a cold, cold heartmy cold, cold heartwhy can’t I learnI always burnTrying to warm a cold, cold heartmy cold, cold heart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 9, 2015 Members Share Posted March 9, 2015 I liked "please don't bite your thumb..." It shows much more character development. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 9, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 9, 2015 I liked "please don't bite your thumb..." It shows much more character development. Yeah I like that one too, tongue is safer, though, ha. Also changed it to "waking up alone with shakes again" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted March 9, 2015 Members Share Posted March 9, 2015 There's a very good song here. I'll just throw out the kind of stuff I'd try for better or worse: 1 - on the first section - I guess it's a "verse" I'd try a four on the floor pulse or kick . Not big and loud, but just pumping away. 2 - for some reason I really want to hear a wah-wah electric on this. A bit funky, but not too out front. A few trebly syncopated chunka-chunkas, a few little lead bits here and there. Something Al Green might do. 3 - and for a crazy change of pace, a harpsichord might work in that verse section. Faux-baroque, you know the drill. 4 - you could work up "cold, cold heart " by repeating it a few times, bringing up the volume and the intensity, then hit the big drum kit, boom...pop.....boom...popop....boom....pop and bring in harmonies and rock out a bit. 5 - The nice peg-legged rhythmic thing you have here I think is a big part of the appeal. Bring that out somehow with stabs and syncopations, etc. Maybe some handclaps. Fun tune, some great lines - inspiring. nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 9, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 9, 2015 Thanks, Nat - some great ideas. I hear some subtle wah too, hard to pull off tastefully. Four on the floor would be sweet...I've been thinking of this bit more a a trip hoppy thing, more electronic, and then the chorus (Iiiiiiiiiiiii) goes organic. Harpsichord, hmmm - I've been messing with string quartet, similar vibe. What's peg-leg rhythm, sounds cool, ha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 9, 2015 Members Share Posted March 9, 2015 I'm sorry. The original was "please stop chewing on your thumb..." Even though it kinda comes out of nowhere, I think it's a fabulous, one-of-a-kind line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 10, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 10, 2015 I'm sorry. The original was "please stop chewing on your thumb..." Even though it kinda comes out of nowhere' date=' I think it's a fabulous, one-of-a-kind line.[/quote'] That line came on and my daughter (13) looked at me and said "what the fudge?" I should have the courage of my original convictions, ha. I have options for that line, which all fit nicely: Please stop chewing on your thumb (original) Please stop biting on your thumb Please stop biting on your tongue Please don't bite your tongue (current) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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