3rd verses changes posted up - The Sea and the Sky and the Land

[nat whilk II]

Started a half-dozen songs so far this year, but this is the only one that's started walking on it's own yet.

 

My little environmental rant if you'll allow me....rough mix.

 

https://soundcloud.com/natwhilkii1/t...y-and-the-land

 

The Sea and the Sky and the Land

 

Walking by the big lake, filling up some loose-end time

down with the derelict hulls where the tide leaves a trail of trash and slime

pick out a shell from the dirty sand

and a cool, smooth stone, hold them in my hand

stick ‘em in my pocket for a reason I don’t quite understand

maybe some poor wish to feel a part of the sea and the sky and the land

 

out across the water, five or six miles away

I can see the big city in the curve of the grand old bay

looking like some cemetery old and gray

silent with hundreds of stones in slow decay

yet millions there seethe and sweat through another day

spreading like a slow avalanche that buries anything in the way

 

I need some holy night, I need this silent day

I’m city born and bred and schooled and fed

trained and drained trying to stay ahead

till the day I'm a prisoner of my own soft bed

and only in my dreams can I ask, "Instead? instead? instead?

 

Yeah we don’t like pollution, you know it just disturbs our mood

And we prefer our nature convenient and clean like pre-packaged organic food

And we're honest when we say, it's all about me

just helping the push for a healthy economy

while the creosote roasts in the cancerous blaze of the sun

will we just lock ourselves in to watch the auto-destruct clock run?

 

Back here by the big lake, warm as July's Gulf Stream

My head begins to ache, I close my eyes and fall into a dream

I see heaven's gate open wide, and countless souls rushing up trying to get inside

but an angel stops them all with a word and an upturned hand

And says, "First you go back till you clean up the sea and the sky and the land."

 

If it takes a million holy nights, and a few million silent days

till the garden is clean and green, earth and ocean teem

with all the life decreed to breed and feed,

and the weapons of destruction only tooth and claw and hand,

till the bursting of the worn-out sun takes the sea and the sky and the land

(repeat chorus)

 

 

nat whilk ii

[rhino55]

There's some really great imagery here. It also pulls of being pissed off and preachy without being so biased that it alienates the listener. No small feat there. You put yourself as the story teller as part of the problem and part of the possible solution. Well done.

 

On a read through there are some spots that lyrically feel more like poetry, but might be fine when sung. Ending a line on 'teem' comes to mind.

Only other thing that comes to mind is it might be nice for the shell and rock to come back at the end. Maybe you pass them along to a child, or they sit on your desk at work, and remind you there's more to life than cubicles and TPS reports.

[LCK]

I don't see how this song could be any better than it is. Nice work.

[oldgitplayer]

This is really good. The idea is good and the accompaniment is great.

There are just a couple of difficult prosody spots that might be improved.

You use the long and short sentences to good effect, which draws the ear to the prosody.

 

A couple of examples:

 

Maybe drop 'fully' and just keep 'understand'.

In the 'pollution' line, let the emphasis fall on 'don't rather than on 'we'.

'just a bunch of consumers consulting the mall directory' is an overcrowded line. Don't hurry 'directory'.

There are different ways to unclutter it. Maybe: 'Consumers at the local mall di-rec-tor-y

 

It's very good - maybe a couple of small tweaks might make it even better.

 

[nat whilk II]

There's some really great imagery here. It also pulls of being pissed off and preachy without being so biased that it alienates the listener. No small feat there. You put yourself as the story teller as part of the problem and part of the possible solution. Well done

 

Yeah, the song started off just being about a guy feeling helplessly tied to a career/life/society that he rebelled about internally but could do nothing about. Then it took a big left (ha) turn with the preachy section. Not sure I've ever written such a polemical section - been listening to Dylan long enough to give it a try I guess. But still the song could easily be interpreted as totally despairing....that was part of my idea - to express how caring about the planet is now inextricably tied to an almost overwhelming despair. Wasn't like that until the global warming nightmare came along making us feel like any ecological dream will probably end in a nightmare.

 

On a read through there are some spots that lyrically feel more like poetry, but might be fine when sung. Ending a line on 'teem' comes to mind.

Only other thing that comes to mind is it might be nice for the shell and rock to come back at the end. Maybe you pass them along to a child, or they sit on your desk at work, and remind you there's more to life than cubicles and TPS reports.

 

I'm normally on the lookout to avoid Victorianisms and overly poetic diction. "Teem" doesn't seem all that Wordsworthy to me, I'll think about it and see if your comment gets an amen. There are a lot of words in the song - might end up just letting it be that one handlebar moustache in the crowd.

 

But hey, you can hear how it sounds sung as there's a link to my soundcloud mix.....

 

That idea of coming back to the shell and rock is a good one - would have been better to have had that idea early on...might be one of those really good ideas that just can't be retrofitted without jettisoning something that already works.

 

nat whilk ii

 

 

 

[nat whilk II]

I don't see how this song could be any better than it is. Nice work.

 

 

Thanks a bunch, LC - I do have a few tweaks in mind. The chord progression and melody are still a bit generic for my taste, and I'll probably try to do some small things with those aspects to put a little more personality into it.

 

The big decision at the moment is whether to finish this up in a fairly strong bluegrassy vibe, or take it over to more of a Tom Petty vibe with drums and a chimey electric, etc. I can totally hear Tom Petty singing this - maybe he'll steal it and I can sue him and make some money off it that waysmiley-happy

 

nat whilk ii

 

[nat whilk II]

This is really good. The idea is good and the accompaniment is great.

There are just a couple of difficult prosody spots that might be improved.

You use the long and short sentences to good effect, which draws the ear to the prosody.

 

A couple of examples:

 

Maybe drop 'fully' and just keep 'understand'.

In the 'pollution' line, let the emphasis fall on 'don't rather than on 'we'.

'just a bunch of consumers consulting the mall directory' is an overcrowded line. Don't hurry 'directory'.

There are different ways to unclutter it. Maybe: 'Consumers at the local mall di-rec-tor-y

 

It's very good - maybe a couple of small tweaks might make it even better.

 

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

It is a wordy thing. I agree it would improve if I could trim some lines. My first tactic is to see how slow I can perform it without losing some essential steam - nothing like slowing it down to make it easier to phrase crowded lines.

 

About the pollution line - I thought the phrasing, each syllable on an eighth note, had the right slightly tantrum-like connotation. To contrast with the scepticism later that we don't like it mostly because it inconveniences us. Irony and all that.

 

Yes, "mall directory" is shoehorned....and I won't use the excuse that Elvis Costello goes nowhere without onesmiley-happy I'll work up a fix.

 

I'll probably do a number of small tweaks after I perform it a few countless times for the cat. That's how I polish tunes, just taking my time playing them through. It may be an illusion, but it seems quite often to me that the last handful of tweaks make a huge difference. If they just boost my confidence, that's probably the huge difference.

 

nat whilk ii

 

 

 

 

[oldgitplayer]

In what manner does your cat show its appreciation (or displeasure) of your songs?

[nat whilk II]

In what manner does your cat show its appreciation (or displeasure) of your songs?

 

 

Oh he hates them all. He wants me to put the guitar down and scratch him instead - so he just sits and stares at me the whole time - my most attentive audience ever. The second I put the guitar down he runs up and starts yammering for attention. I tell him the guitar is a wooden cat that I also have to scratch for extended periods:)

 

nat whilk ii

 

 

 

[tbry]

Very nice...enjoy your vocal delivery...the only area for me was the lines below...can't say why exactly.

 

 

just a bunch of consumers consulting the mall directory...(its ok)

while the creosote roasts in the cancerous blaze of the sun....(Love this Line)

inside the store it’s cool and shopping is a lot of fun...(Can ya find something that doesn't sound sappy?)

 

I guess what I am looking for is those two lines (1st and 3rd) to get together better...don't know how to do it though.

 

On another note...Stickboy always comes on after I listen to anyone on Sound Cloud...strange.

[nat whilk II]

Very nice...enjoy your vocal delivery...the only area for me was the lines below...can't say why exactly.

 

 

just a bunch of consumers consulting the mall directory...(its ok)

while the creosote roasts in the cancerous blaze of the sun....(Love this Line)

inside the store it’s cool and shopping is a lot of fun...(Can ya find something that doesn't sound sappy?)

 

I guess what I am looking for is those two lines (1st and 3rd) to get together better...don't know how to do it though.

 

On another note...Stickboy always comes on after I listen to anyone on Sound Cloud...strange.

 

 

I also had slight misgivings about the mall directory line - I've changed it on the opening post with the lyrics. Maybe a bit better now - and not as crowded.

 

the line about inside the store is supposed to sound sappy - it's sarcastic, ridiculing the whole happy shopper thing. Guess that doesn't come across in my vocal delivery clear enough. Contempt is not my strong suite - I'll review some Dylan and Tom Petty and see if I can borrow a little acidic vibe from one of themsmiley-happy

 

Yeah, Stick has hijacked my Soundcloud postings for his nefarious, evil purposes. It's totally ok with me - he's posted up one of my songs on his page, and his page gets a gazillion more hits than my page, so I think I come out way ahead actually.

 

nat whilk ii

 

 

[stickboymusic]

I am going to do nothing but gush at every word and every note.

 

I know this provides no use what so ever but I find your songs (especially when you are in this frame) totally absorbing.

 

If you had an album of all this stuff i'd be right there buying it. You could be from any era but you are yourself, I hear so many influences... so many hints at bands and writers that I love and admire and it all comes together so perfectly.

 

Just keep doing this.

 

And MAKE THAT ALBUM PLEASE.

[LCK]

I am going to do nothing but gush at every word and every note.

 

I know this provides no use what so ever but I find your songs (especially when you are in this frame) totally absorbing.

 

If you had an album of all this stuff i'd be right there buying it. You could be from any era but you are yourself, I hear so many influences... so many hints at bands and writers that I love and admire and it all comes together so perfectly.

 

Just keep doing this.

 

And MAKE THAT ALBUM PLEASE.

 

+1

[nat whilk II]

I am going to do nothing but gush at every word and every note.

 

I know this provides no use what so ever but I find your songs (especially when you are in this frame) totally absorbing.

 

If you had an album of all this stuff i'd be right there buying it. You could be from any era but you are yourself, I hear so many influences... so many hints at bands and writers that I love and admire and it all comes together so perfectly.

 

Just keep doing this.

 

And MAKE THAT ALBUM PLEASE.

 

 

Sincere thanks, what you say is truly encouraging to me. I'm the typical artsy type who goes through periods of zero confidence in my output, where I wake up one day and for some reason everything I've produced just makes me cringe. Nothing's better than getting a strong thumbs-up from a really good musician.

 

nat whilk ii

 

 

[thehundredthone]

Such a nicely written song, very well conceived!

 

I agree about the 3rd and 5th lines of the mall directory verse, they need some tweaking to bring them up to par with the rest of the song. I can also see how you would want to give the chord progression and melody a little more flavour although I think it has plenty already.

 

Regarding the line 'And says, "First you go back till you clean up the sea and the sky and the land."', the two clauses don't really go together. 'First you go back' would be better followed by 'and'. One doesn't exactly go back until something is done, rather one doesn't come back until something is done. Alternately one goes back and does something.

[nat whilk II]

Such a nicely written song, very well conceived!

 

I agree about the 3rd and 5th lines of the mall directory verse, they need some tweaking to bring them up to par with the rest of the song. I can also see how you would want to give the chord progression and melody a little more flavour although I think it has plenty already.

 

Regarding the line 'And says, "First you go back till you clean up the sea and the sky and the land."', the two clauses don't really go together. 'First you go back' would be better followed by 'and'. One doesn't exactly go back until something is done, rather one doesn't come back until something is done. Alternately one goes back and does something.

 

 

Thanks for the positive support!

 

Yeah, those two lines I am pondering - I will also ask the muse if she can't just send me something that fits better, please.

 

The melody I'm already revising subtly here and there to be less generic - I may not mess with the progression after all.

 

Understood about the grammar issue with the "First you go back" line. It may be a regional thing, but that usage is quite common in speech at least around here (Texas) and the south maybe west of Georgia or someplace. There's an implied meaning "first you go back and stay there until...etc" that is shortened colloquially - as in the teacher saying "right now you sit down till the bell rings mister!" I wanted that scolding note in there (angels scold? nevermind...) so my mind went back to school days, naturally.

 

Appreciate the suggestions - keep 'em coming.

 

nat whilk ii

 

 

 

 

[thehundredthone]

"Sit down until" actually works because the verb is static, you remain in a position till a certain event takes place, which is exactly what the conjunction till/until is for. However when you say go back, it's an active verb with an implied and completed movement towards a place (back where one came from) and thus the event that follows till already exists - reaching the place that "back" describes. That's why the cleaning up doesn't work as a clause. If you said "Go back and stay there until you've cleaned up", that works because you're going back, and then staying put until you've cleaned up. You can go back until you reach wherever, and you can stay there until whatever has taken place. I hope I'm making sense here, and if people do use it in the sense of 'go back until something happens' regionally, then go with it, I know I've pulled the artistic freedom card plenty of times!

[nat whilk II]

"Sit down until" actually works because the verb is static, you remain in a position till a certain event takes place, which is exactly what the conjunction till/until is for. However when you say go back, it's an active verb with an implied and completed movement towards a place (back where one came from) and thus the event that follows till already exists - reaching the place that "back" describes. That's why the cleaning up doesn't work as a clause. If you said "Go back and stay there until you've cleaned up", that works because you're going back, and then staying put until you've cleaned up. You can go back until you reach wherever, and you can stay there until whatever has taken place. I hope I'm making sense here, and if people do use it in the sense of 'go back until something happens' regionally, then go with it, I know I've pulled the artistic freedom card plenty of times!

 

 

You're preaching to the choir here. I'm one of those types who actually reads stuff like The King's English and Eats, Shoots, and Leaves for fun. I've got two kids, both with English degrees, one a writer and the other teaches English and my brother is a total grammar nazi. So, yes, I won't argue the grammatical point.

 

But I gotta have that spitty, plosive "T" on "till" instead of a dull "and" on that beat right after the harsh "B" in "Back" to bang on the point being made with a hammer as it were. I'll play the artistic card and/or the regional excuse this time - unless I get a bunch of people saying "I don't get that line, not sure what you mean, sounds weird" or something like that.

 

Thx for the feedback - appreciate you taking the time

 

nat whilk ii

 

 

 

 

 

 

[nat whilk II]

original verse

 

Yeah we don’t like pollution, you know it just disturbs our mood

And we prefer our nature convenient and clean like pre-packaged organic food

And we're honest when we say, it's all about me

just consumers huddled 'round the mall directory

while the creosote roasts in the cancerous blaze of the sun

inside the store it’s cool and hey, shopping is a lot of fun

 

current edited version, changes in bold

 

Yeah we don’t like pollution, you know it just disturbs our mood

And we prefer our nature convenient and clean like pre-packaged organic food

And we're honest when we say, it's all about me

just helping the push for a healhty economy

while the creosote roasts in the cancerous blaze of the sun

will we just lock ourselves in to watch the auto-destruct clock run?

 

 

comments? slags? better? not?

 

nat whilk ii

 

 

[oldgitplayer]

Yep - it's better but………..

You had the word 'consumer' before which is a highly relevant word. It's the consumer economy that is the nub of the matter.

Instead of 'good' economy, could you adjust the scanning of the line to include 'consumer economy'?

[nat whilk II]

Yep - it's better but………..

You had the word 'consumer' before which is a highly relevant word. It's the consumer economy that is the nub of the matter.

Instead of 'good' economy, could you adjust the scanning of the line to include 'consumer economy'?

 

 

Probably could cram a consumer in there I think....it is a relevant word.

 

These changes I've made don't, you know, go just trippingly off the tongue, which bugs me a bit, but not every line has to be silken or stunning...these last tweaks are work!

 

nat whilk ii

 

[tbry]

Better...but then again I can't remember the last top ten song I wrote...