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"You Should Have Told Her" - now with demo


LCK

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I have developed what I think is quite a nice tune for the “small café” song, but I’m not very happy with lyric.

 

I’m not sure this is any better, given that there are some standard, stock rhymes/themes (in gray). But I wrote this quite quickly to see if the basic premise works, with or without the stock rhymes (though I think this one makes better use of the kind of internal rhymes I always like to use).

 

“You Should Have Told Her”

 

 

 

 

 

 

1.

You should have told her how much you need her

but you had to throw the dice and play it cool.

Now you walk past her apartment after midnight

lost in the moonlight, like such a fool.

 

2.

And if you called her, would she still answer?

Or would her new love’s voice come on the phone?

It’s funny how the little things that haunt you

all seem to want you to be alone.

 

(musical interlude, repeat 2nd verse)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coda.

You should have told her how you felt.

Now you’re on your own.

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The original lyric for comparison.

 

1.

There’s a small café, do you remember

on Cornelia Street, where we used to go?

We talked and laughed as people passed the window

bundled up against the falling snow.

 

2.

Then came the springtime, and summer turned to autumn.

The world turned cold the night you went away.

And yet I swear I still can hear our laughter

when snowflakes fall outside that small café.

 

 

(musical interlude/repeat verse 2)

 

 

 

Coda.

that little place we used to meet

… on Cornelia Street.

 

 

Music & Lyric © 2015 by Lee Charles Kelley

West Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP)

 

 

 

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Hmmmm……….the first thing I felt when reading the new lyric was the lack of feeling.

It feels impersonal in the 3rd person compared to the small cafe lyric in the 1st person.

 

Also the narrator is telling someone how they should have conducted themselves - not as engaging as what the narrator might have done.

So the new lyric seems to lack the immediacy of the previous one.

 

I'm sure you can remedy that if you think it warrants it.

 

Also I couldn't find the internal rhymes you mention.

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Maybe consider:

 

1.

I should have told her how much I need her

but I threw the dice and played it cool.

Now I'm walking past her apartment after midnight

lost in the moonlight, like such a fool.

 

2.

And if I called her, would she still answer?

Or would her new love’s voice come on the phone?

It’s funny how the little things that haunt you

all seem to want you to be alone.

 

 

(musical interlude, repeat 2nd verse)

 

 

 

Coda.

I should have told her how I felt.

Now I'm on my own.

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If you can make it clear somehow that the narrator is giving himself a talking-to, then you can maybe keep the 3rd person - as in

 

Everyday I tell the face in the mirror, "you should have told her..." etc...

 

nat whilk ii

 

Yes, something like that could work well as intro.

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I like the previous version better. The first one is all show' date=' this one is all tell.[/quote']

 

The first lyric is wistful. I'm trying to go for more feelings of sadness, loss and loneliness.

 

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But... I think you need to roll those DETAILS from 1 into 2. These details are what told the story for me. I do love the new title/hook phrase a lot.

 

Thanks.

 

I think they would have to be different details, though.

 

Maybe I should repeat the title phrase with various iterations.

 

You should have told her how much you need her.

You should have held her til the cows come home ?????

 

Meanwhile, this new version of the 1st one could work out nicely, though I think the 7th line (in bold) needs a bit more work...

"On Cornelia Street"

 

 

1.

There’s a small café, do you remember

on Cornelia Street, where we used to go?

We talked and laughed as people passed the window

bundled up against the falling snow.

 

2.

The years go by, December to December.

The world turned cold the night you went away.

Yet the thrill of it still burns me like an ember

when snowflakes fall outside that small café.

 

Coda.

the little place we used to meet

… on Cornelia Street.

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Different details for sure. I get that. No format warning. iPhone. Idea

 

The years go by, December to December.

The world turned cold the night you went away.

And the memory still sticks around like thoughts of past September

As snowflakes fall outside that small café.

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Did a bit of work on the fleshing out the conceit on this idea...

 

You should have told her how much you need her

You should have showed her how you felt and bought the ring.

You should have offered those dozen roses.

Your [something] poses won't solve a thing.

 

You should have called her. Now would she answer?

You should have promised her the moon, not tossed a bone.

You could have sworn to her your love would last forever.

You were too clever, now you’re alone.

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I expect that some of the lines or part lines are placeholders...

 

Yes. Indeed. Place holders. Each one stays until something better comes along.

 

 

You should have told her how much you need her.

You should have showed her every day the way you feel.

You should have sent her those dozen roses,

your carefree poses aren't really real.

 

If you should call her and she should she answer

would you lay it on the line or play it cool?

You could have had the kind of love that lasts forever

but you’re much to clever,

and such a fool.

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I like how you carry the "shoulds" into that 2nd section "if you should call her" etc...

 

But I feel that the 2nd section should be a different melody, either more or less intense - since you're repeating the "should" so many times, it needs to be presented with some varying musicality to justify (or rather fulfill) the repetitions.

 

I'm trying to think of an alternate suggestion to "your carefree poses aren't really real" - something along the lines of "you acted like you took love lightly and she believed you" but that's way too long...."your light touch simply made no impression" or something...

 

nat whilk ii

 

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Riffing off the title. Him/Her duet.

 

I should have told you I was planning to decamp

You should have told me you were leaving with that tramp

I should have told you

Yes you should

I should have told

I wish you would

But I/you didn't so you/I just assumed the best

 

I should have told you that my heart was growing cold

You should have told me that you started feeling old

I should have told you

Yes you should

I should have told

I wish you would

But I/you didn't so you/I just assumed the best

 

The heart of love

Beats in the pulse

Of conversation

 

?

?

?

 

You should have told me

Yes I should

You should have told

I wish I could

But you/I didn't do I/you just assumed the best

I was a fool but so were you

Now let's get dressed

 

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Much prefer this version

 

 

You should have told her how much you need her

You should have showed her how you felt and bought the ring.

You should have offered those dozen roses.

Your [something] poses won't solve a thing.

 

Some ideas

 

 

You should have told her how much you need her

You should have showed her how you felt and bought her flowers

You should have loved her more than any other

Your chance is passing by just like the hours

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Much prefer this version

 

 

You should have told her how much you need her

You should have showed her how you felt and bought the ring.

You should have offered those dozen roses.

Your [something] poses won't solve a thing.

 

Thanks!

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Close to done! Maybe a few tweaks here and there, lyrically?

 

I also have a tune, but I also have a cold.

 

 

"You Should Have Told Her"

 

Intro.

When the evening sun goes down

I start out counting stars

and then I hit the bars.

 

At daylight I awake

and cop to my mistake.

I take the razor from my shelf

and say this to my self.

 

1.

You should have told her how much you love her.

You should have gone all in and bought the ring.

You should have sent her a thousand roses.

Your hipster poses aren’t worth a thing.

 

2.

If you should call her and should she answer

would you lay your feelings bare or play it cool?

You could have had a girl you’d love forever

but you’re much too clever and you’re such a fool.

 

Music & Lyric © 2015 by Lee Charles Kelley

West Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP)

 

 

 

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It's still all good with V1 & V2, but I am somewhat surprised by the Intro.

The 2nd part is fine (although the razor image may be ambiguous - is he shaving or contemplating ending his misery?

 

But the 1st part is cliche central IMO

 

evening sun goes down

counting stars

hit the bars

 

Alternatively, if you are being purposely ironic, I'm not getting it.

 

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It's still all good with V1 & V2, but I am somewhat surprised by the Intro.

The 2nd part is fine (although the razor image may be ambiguous - is he shaving or contemplating ending his misery?

 

But the 1st part is cliche central IMO

 

evening sun goes down

counting stars

hit the bars

 

Alternatively, if you are being purposely ironic, I'm not getting it.

 

I don't know that I'm being ironic, but I am purposely being something in that general category.

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More fiddling around....

 

Intro.

When the evening sun goes down

I start out

counting stars,

eat my heart out,

then hit the bars.

 

’Round noontime I awaken,

realize I was mistaken

to think I’m over you.

So I give myself a talking to.

 

1.

You should have told her how much you love her.

You should have gone all in and bought the ring.

You should have sent her a thousand roses.

Your tough guy poses, what did they bring?

 

2.

If you should call her and should she answer

would you lay your feelings bare or play it cool?

You could have had the kind of girl to hold forever

but you were much too clever and such a fool.

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