Members LCK Posted January 16, 2015 Members Share Posted January 16, 2015 I have developed what I think is quite a nice tune for the “small café” song, but I’m not very happy with lyric. I’m not sure this is any better, given that there are some standard, stock rhymes/themes (in gray). But I wrote this quite quickly to see if the basic premise works, with or without the stock rhymes (though I think this one makes better use of the kind of internal rhymes I always like to use). “You Should Have Told Her” 1.You should have told her how much you need herbut you had to throw the dice and play it cool.Now you walk past her apartment after midnightlost in the moonlight, like such a fool. 2.And if you called her, would she still answer?Or would her new love’s voice come on the phone?It’s funny how the little things that haunt youall seem to want you to be alone. (musical interlude, repeat 2nd verse) Coda.You should have told her how you felt.Now you’re on your own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 16, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 16, 2015 The original lyric for comparison. 1.There’s a small café, do you rememberon Cornelia Street, where we used to go?We talked and laughed as people passed the windowbundled up against the falling snow. 2.Then came the springtime, and summer turned to autumn.The world turned cold the night you went away.And yet I swear I still can hear our laughterwhen snowflakes fall outside that small café. (musical interlude/repeat verse 2) Coda.that little place we used to meet… on Cornelia Street. Music & Lyric © 2015 by Lee Charles KelleyWest Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 16, 2015 Members Share Posted January 16, 2015 Hmmmm……….the first thing I felt when reading the new lyric was the lack of feeling.It feels impersonal in the 3rd person compared to the small cafe lyric in the 1st person. Also the narrator is telling someone how they should have conducted themselves - not as engaging as what the narrator might have done.So the new lyric seems to lack the immediacy of the previous one. I'm sure you can remedy that if you think it warrants it. Also I couldn't find the internal rhymes you mention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted January 16, 2015 Members Share Posted January 16, 2015 If you can make it clear somehow that the narrator is giving himself a talking-to, then you can maybe keep the 3rd person - as in Everyday I tell the face in the mirror, "you should have told her..." etc... nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted January 16, 2015 Members Share Posted January 16, 2015 Maybe consider: 1.I should have told her how much I need herbut I threw the dice and played it cool.Now I'm walking past her apartment after midnightlost in the moonlight, like such a fool. 2.And if I called her, would she still answer?Or would her new love’s voice come on the phone?It’s funny how the little things that haunt youall seem to want you to be alone. (musical interlude, repeat 2nd verse) Coda.I should have told her how I felt.Now I'm on my own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 16, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 16, 2015 If you can make it clear somehow that the narrator is giving himself a talking-to, then you can maybe keep the 3rd person - as in Everyday I tell the face in the mirror, "you should have told her..." etc... nat whilk ii Yes, something like that could work well as intro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted January 16, 2015 Members Share Posted January 16, 2015 I like the previous version better. The first one is all show, this one is all tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 16, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 16, 2015 I like the previous version better. The first one is all show' date=' this one is all tell.[/quote'] The first lyric is wistful. I'm trying to go for more feelings of sadness, loss and loneliness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 17, 2015 Moderators Share Posted January 17, 2015 But... I think you need to roll those DETAILS from 1 into 2. These details are what told the story for me. I do love the new title/hook phrase a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 17, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 17, 2015 But... I think you need to roll those DETAILS from 1 into 2. These details are what told the story for me. I do love the new title/hook phrase a lot. Thanks. I think they would have to be different details, though. Maybe I should repeat the title phrase with various iterations. You should have told her how much you need her. You should have held her til the cows come home ????? Meanwhile, this new version of the 1st one could work out nicely, though I think the 7th line (in bold) needs a bit more work... "On Cornelia Street" 1. There’s a small café, do you remember on Cornelia Street, where we used to go? We talked and laughed as people passed the window bundled up against the falling snow. 2. The years go by, December to December. The world turned cold the night you went away. Yet the thrill of it still burns me like an ember when snowflakes fall outside that small café. Coda. the little place we used to meet … on Cornelia Street. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 17, 2015 Moderators Share Posted January 17, 2015 Different details for sure. I get that. No format warning. iPhone. Idea The years go by, December to December.The world turned cold the night you went away.And the memory still sticks around like thoughts of past SeptemberAs snowflakes fall outside that small café. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 17, 2015 Moderators Share Posted January 17, 2015 Formatting works now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 19, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 19, 2015 Did a bit of work on the fleshing out the conceit on this idea... You should have told her how much you need herYou should have showed her how you felt and bought the ring.You should have offered those dozen roses.Your [something] poses won't solve a thing. You should have called her. Now would she answer?You should have promised her the moon, not tossed a bone.You could have sworn to her your love would last forever.You were too clever, now you’re alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 19, 2015 Members Share Posted January 19, 2015 I think you have something developing here with the 3 lines of 'You should have' followed by a 4th line resolving the preceding 3. I expect that some of the lines or part lines are placeholders at this point, but the structure is strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 20, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 20, 2015 I expect that some of the lines or part lines are placeholders... Yes. Indeed. Place holders. Each one stays until something better comes along. You should have told her how much you need her. You should have showed her every day the way you feel. You should have sent her those dozen roses, your carefree poses aren't really real. If you should call her and she should she answer would you lay it on the line or play it cool? You could have had the kind of love that lasts forever but you’re much to clever, and such a fool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted January 20, 2015 Members Share Posted January 20, 2015 I like how you carry the "shoulds" into that 2nd section "if you should call her" etc... But I feel that the 2nd section should be a different melody, either more or less intense - since you're repeating the "should" so many times, it needs to be presented with some varying musicality to justify (or rather fulfill) the repetitions. I'm trying to think of an alternate suggestion to "your carefree poses aren't really real" - something along the lines of "you acted like you took love lightly and she believed you" but that's way too long...."your light touch simply made no impression" or something... nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted January 20, 2015 Members Share Posted January 20, 2015 Riffing off the title. Him/Her duet. I should have told you I was planning to decampYou should have told me you were leaving with that trampI should have told youYes you shouldI should have toldI wish you wouldBut I/you didn't so you/I just assumed the best I should have told you that my heart was growing coldYou should have told me that you started feeling oldI should have told youYes you shouldI should have toldI wish you wouldBut I/you didn't so you/I just assumed the best The heart of loveBeats in the pulseOf conversation ??? You should have told meYes I shouldYou should have toldI wish I couldBut you/I didn't do I/you just assumed the bestI was a fool but so were youNow let's get dressed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 20, 2015 Members Share Posted January 20, 2015 Much prefer this version You should have told her how much you need herYou should have showed her how you felt and bought the ring.You should have offered those dozen roses.Your [something] poses won't solve a thing. Some ideas You should have told her how much you need herYou should have showed her how you felt and bought her flowersYou should have loved her more than any otherYour chance is passing by just like the hours Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted January 21, 2015 Members Share Posted January 21, 2015 Your [something] poses won't solve a thing. Your nonchalant poses Your insouciant poses Your easy-going poses Your pro forma poses throwing $&($& at the wall is a time-honered method of writing lyrics, no? nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 21, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 21, 2015 Much prefer this version You should have told her how much you need her You should have showed her how you felt and bought the ring. You should have offered those dozen roses. Your [something] poses won't solve a thing. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 23, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 23, 2015 Close to done! Maybe a few tweaks here and there, lyrically? I also have a tune, but I also have a cold. "You Should Have Told Her" Intro.When the evening sun goes downI start out counting starsand then I hit the bars. At daylight I awakeand cop to my mistake.I take the razor from my shelfand say this to my self. 1.You should have told her how much you love her.You should have gone all in and bought the ring.You should have sent her a thousand roses.Your hipster poses aren’t worth a thing. 2.If you should call her and should she answerwould you lay your feelings bare or play it cool?You could have had a girl you’d love foreverbut you’re much too clever and you’re such a fool. Music & Lyric © 2015 by Lee Charles KelleyWest Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 23, 2015 Members Share Posted January 23, 2015 It's still all good with V1 & V2, but I am somewhat surprised by the Intro.The 2nd part is fine (although the razor image may be ambiguous - is he shaving or contemplating ending his misery? But the 1st part is cliche central IMO evening sun goes downcounting starshit the bars Alternatively, if you are being purposely ironic, I'm not getting it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 23, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 23, 2015 It's still all good with V1 & V2, but I am somewhat surprised by the Intro. The 2nd part is fine (although the razor image may be ambiguous - is he shaving or contemplating ending his misery? But the 1st part is cliche central IMO evening sun goes down counting stars hit the bars Alternatively, if you are being purposely ironic, I'm not getting it. I don't know that I'm being ironic, but I am purposely being something in that general category. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 24, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 24, 2015 More fiddling around.... Intro.When the evening sun goes downI start outcounting stars,eat my heart out,then hit the bars. ’Round noontime I awaken,realize I was mistakento think I’m over you.So I give myself a talking to. 1.You should have told her how much you love her.You should have gone all in and bought the ring.You should have sent her a thousand roses.Your tough guy poses, what did they bring? 2.If you should call her and should she answerwould you lay your feelings bare or play it cool?You could have had the kind of girl to hold foreverbut you were much too clever and such a fool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted January 24, 2015 Members Share Posted January 24, 2015 Oh, no, the razor is totally out of left field and totally makes its mark. Everyone, well, almost everyone, will understand. It's an artistic leap that is underscored by felt reality - what else is art? nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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