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Correct my lyrics

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  • Correct my lyrics

    Breathing in calamities, feel the hot wind blow
    Take your anger out on me, sadness darkly boils.
    Everything that is inside is draped beneath a vail,
    (fourth line unknown right now)

    Take my hand, lead me out into the sun.
    I won't try to find a place to hide.
    (Undecided on the next two lines)


    I painted streaks across the sky, bluntly metaphores
    For the tears that I caused by my coldened heart.
    I'm taking out everything that was planted in my soul
    So that I can live again, not out of control.

    Thanks for any comments you can help me with correcting this.

  • #2
    I like these lyrics. The imagery in the first verse is great "sadness darkly boils" - very good.

    Maybe
    "I'd open up and tell you, but as usual, words fail"
    or
    "I won't tell you the way in, but I've left a trail"
    as the 4th line in the 1st verse? Just suggestions. You might have something better in mind.

    "For the tears that I caused by my coldened heart" sounds a little awkward IMO. Maybe just removing "that I" would make that line better actually.

    Also, I would change "not out of control" to something like "with a little self-control" or "no longer out of control"

    All together really good though!

    Comment


    • #3
      "Take my hand, lead me out into the sun."
      could flow better
      {Take my hand lead me into the sun}
      {Take my hand take me to the sun}
      {Take my hand under the boardwalk out from the sun} //hehe

      "I won't try to find a place to hide."
      {I'm not looking for a place to hide}

      // heres an idea for second verse
      {Take my hand take me to the sun}
      {I'm not looking for a place to hide}
      {show me the world that you keep inside}
      {dance in your eyes looks like I'm having fun}

      hrmm coldened heart could certainly be
      changed to somthing that floes a bit better

      icy, frozen, stone, "that lump of f$%king coal in your chest", ya know

      "I painted streaks across the sky, bluntly metaphores"
      ?what are you trying to say? sounds good but I don't really see it.
      I might say "streaks on the sky" this is less clumbsy to sing.


      Boy you musta really kicked some dixie in the teath to feal this guilty ^_^..

      Good stuff... keep it coming.
      bereft of reason
      pondering the suiside of kings
      alone with my innocense
      waiting quietly for anything
      ~bryce sharp

      Comment


      • #4
        You started out strong and imaginative on the first verse, but, begining with the 2nd verse, it seems you lost interest and fell into the "first person" trap (distancing yourself from the listener).
        Rebel, Rebel

        Comment


        • #5
          Thanks for the help. As for the last quartet, honestly, those lines came when I was rolling the song over and over in my head and I was actually really proud of those lines. I thought they were great but I totally understand what you're saying JackSonic. And those middle lines were actually a chorus. The song these lines go with has a really odd meter. The vocalist I had was having a really tough time with my lines as well. He mentioned the same things you did but were butting heads too much. I didn't really dig his style so I figured I would ask on here and see what other people thought. Haha! So yeh, there's dirt in my eyes. AS for what I was saying with the line:
          "I painting streaks across the sky, bluntly metaphores, for the tears that I caused by my coldened heart"
          It was that I was just taking one image, "streaks" meaning sun set, clouds, etc. and just connecting it to tears. It was meant to be done in an apethtic manor as in the kind of apathy you feel when you're depressed because it hurts but you're trying not to care. Anyway, thanks so much for you're advise. I will keep working on it. Also, ChiGirl, I read your post and those lines are great. Good writing.

          Comment



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