Members nat whilk II Posted January 8, 2015 Members Share Posted January 8, 2015 trying to kickstart the first new song for this year.....initial sketchjazzy not-jazz, like Moondance, similar bpm and swing feel verse 1you don't play you don't winyou don't lose if you're in, or if you're notthat's what you'vegotta choose ' cause once you're init's only winor lose verse 2you don't jumpyou don't sinkyou don't swim while you stand on the sideyou can't runyou can't hide all the other kids arealready inand looking at you! short instrmntl break 2nd section, longer phrases with a bluesier feel oh....oh....oh.... my shameoh...oh....oh.... my sorrowoh....oh....oh....my sweet forgiving Lord you see I up and quit the gameand tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrowI will wish with all my heart that I jumped off that g..d...diving board from here I've got to develop the idea....one pair of verses needs to cover the situation where you can't choose not to play the game, as it's life itself and you're already in the game before you realize it. any legs here? nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 8, 2015 Members Share Posted January 8, 2015 Yeh - it definitely has legs as an idea in V1, but it fragments in V2 - so V2 needs some tightening.In V1 you have developed a single idea and progressed it through the verse in the abstract.In V2 the listener is then hit with concrete concepts that don't make for cohesive method established in V1 . In the 2nd section, I get 'shame' and 'sorrow' but then 'sweet forgiving Lord' appears and I don't know why it's there. Unsure about the Macbeth reference and unsure about the diving board line. The song title and V1 take me somewhere, but all the swimming pool stuff doesn't. I hope this is of some use. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted January 8, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 8, 2015 Yeh - it definitely has legs as an idea in V1, but it fragments in V2 - so V2 needs some tightening. In V1 you have developed a single idea and progressed it through the verse in the abstract. In V2 the listener is then hit with concrete concepts that don't make for cohesive method established in V1 . In the 2nd section, I get 'shame' and 'sorrow' but then 'sweet forgiving Lord' appears and I don't know why it's there. Unsure about the Macbeth reference and unsure about the diving board line. The song title and V1 take me somewhere, but all the swimming pool stuff doesn't. I hope this is of some use. I wonder what I can do to clarify the swimming pool bit - to my mind it's all about getting up the nerve to be a player, in the game, take the risks, don't just stand on the sidelines. The kid who won't jump in is starting to feel the fear and shame of chickening out - which is carried into the 2nd section. "Sweet forgiving Lord" is present to the mind of any person with a certain religious background who is dealing with choices and failure and guilt regardless of context - I can understand that not clicking with everyone, but it's so true to traditional and my personal experience that I'll probably keep it. And besides, "Lord" rhymes with "board"smiley-happy and there's the ironical hopefully amusing mismatch of invoking the Lord followed by "that g..d diving board". But so much for explanations which I wouldn't have to make if it came across better - any suggestions how I can clarify all this in the lyric? nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 8, 2015 Members Share Posted January 8, 2015 trying to kickstart the first new song for this year.....initial sketch jazzy not-jazz, like Moondance, similar bpm and swing feel verse 1 you don't play you don't win you don't lose if you're in, or if you're not that's what you've gotta choose ' cause once you're in it's only win or lose verse 2 you don't jump you don't sink you don't swim while you stand on the side you can't run you can't hide xxx xxx xxx short instrmntl break 2nd section, longer phrases with a bluesier feel oh....oh....oh.... my shame oh...oh....oh.... my sorrow oh....oh....oh....my sweet forgiving Lord you see I up and quit the game and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow I will wish with all my heart that xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I've deleted the lines that I think need to be less concrete Everything that is left works metaphorically without introducing a pool, the kids in the water, and a diving board. So I'm suggesting you sustain the metaphorical approach. If you want some kind of concrete overview, then maybe write it into a Bridge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 8, 2015 Members Share Posted January 8, 2015 trying to kickstart the first new song for this year.....initial sketch jazzy not-jazz, like Moondance, similar bpm and swing feel verse 1 you don't play you don't win you don't lose if you're in, or if you're not that's what you've gotta choose ' cause once you're in it's only win or lose verse 2 you don't jump you don't sink you don't swim while you stand on the side you can't run you can't hide all the other kids are already in and looking at you! short instrmntl break 2nd section, longer phrases with a bluesier feel oh....oh....oh.... my shame oh...oh....oh.... my sorrow oh....oh....oh....my sweet forgiving Lord you see I up and quit the game and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow I will wish with all my heart that I jumped off that g..d...diving board from here I've got to develop the idea....one pair of verses needs to cover the situation where you can't choose not to play the game, as it's life itself and you're already in the game before you realize it. any legs here? nat whilk ii I think it's definitely got legs. I think I like it as is, lyrically speaking. But I'll wait to see if what you add works. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted January 12, 2015 Members Share Posted January 12, 2015 Good so far. I used to mash up/medley Moondance and Summertime when I was playing solo acoustic gigs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted January 12, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 12, 2015 I'm in a muddle for the time being on this tune - I've got two different ideas for the instrumental side, and I'm still mulling over OGP's advice about keeping the lyrics in abstract mode during the verses, maybe going "concrete" in a bridge....that's an interesting idea regarding organizing lyrics between these (or other) modes, abstract or concrete. If a lyric tells a story, the requirements of storytelling tend to dictate the voice, the structure. With a more abstract, "advisey" sort of lyric, yes, I can see, some other organizing principle is needed. mull mull mull mull.... nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted January 12, 2015 Members Share Posted January 12, 2015 The order seemed IDK ...I see it this way...does this help? verse 1you don't play...........................................................you don't winyou don't win............................................................you don't playyou don't lose...........................................................you don't lose if you're in, or if you're notthat's what you'vegotta choose ' cause once you're init's only winor lose xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx all the other kids are........................all the others arealready inand looking at you! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx you can't choose not to play the game, ................somehow make this fit what you were searching for.as it's life itself and you're already inthe game before you realize it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted January 14, 2015 Members Share Posted January 14, 2015 I will wish with all my heart that I jumped off that g..d...diving board ...any legs here? nat whilk ii Yup! Fins, anyhow. Just make sure there's water in the pool! Del www.thefullertons.net ( •)—::: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted January 14, 2015 Members Share Posted January 14, 2015 Maybe post it with a rough accompaniment? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted January 14, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 14, 2015 Maybe post it with a rough accompaniment? Will do. Have to decide which way I'm going to go with the accompaniment first...and now it's occurring to me that I need to make sure this song doesn't remind anyone of "know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em" at all costs.... nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 15, 2015 Members Share Posted January 15, 2015 I need to make sure this song doesn't remind anyone of "know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em" at all costs.... nat whilk ii Not that there's anything wrong with that. Oh ... wait ... yes there is... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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