"On Cornelia Street" - final (?) with new demo 1/20/15

[LCK]

This is the beginnings of an attempt to write a very simple song with two sections of 8 bars each.

 

 

 

"A Small Cafe on Cornelia Street"

 

There’s a small café, do you remember

our little table by the windowsill?

We laughed and watched the people coming home

all bundled up against the winter’s chill.

 

Then the spring and summer turned to autumn.

Life turned cold the day you went away.

Yet sometimes I swear I hear your laughter

echo from inside that small café.

 

as I walk beside that small café.

 

Music & Lyric © 2015 by Lee Charles Kelley

West Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP)

[oldgitplayer]

Nice - nothing unexpected, but it's that kind of song.

A couple of comments:

 

Having used a diminutive in the 1st line, I thought the follow up diminutive in the 2nd line was weak.

Maybe 'corner table' or some other adjective.

 

I prefer your alternative last line. I don't think 'echo' is the word you want.

 

And a small aside: You may use the word 'windowsill' differently in the US, but we refer to the windowsill as a detail of the window.

There may be a vase on the windowsill, but we wouldn't sit by the windowsill.

[stickboymusic]

Agree with most of OGP's comments

 

I dunno - I kinda like it but I feel there are a few things to pick apart - I rarely find anything in your lyrics to really question.

 

A Small Cafe on Cornelia Street"

 

There’s a small café, do you remember (theres a small cafe.... are you also saying this to the person you are asking if they remember the table? seems wrong...... maybe AT the small cafe..... and possibly not small

 

our little table by the windowsill? (agree that little feels odd here)

 

We laughed and watched the people coming home (id rather they were doing something more coupley..... "we counted all the people coming home"?)

 

all bundled up against the winter’s chill.

 

Then the spring and summer turned to autumn. (spring AND summer turned to autumn? well maybe..... then through spring.... as summer turned to autumn maybe?)

 

Life turned cold the day you went away. (well yes BUT it IS autumn..... maybe if the season turned to summer.... but life felt cold it would be stronger?)

 

Yet sometimes I swear I hear your laughter ( maybe... yet sometimes i swear I see your face.... in the window of the small cafe)

echo from inside that small café.

 

as I walk beside that small café.

[LCK]

Nice - nothing unexpected, but it's that kind of song.

A couple of comments:

 

Having used a diminutive in the 1st line, I thought the follow up diminutive in the 2nd line was weak.

Maybe 'corner table' or some other adjective.

 

Cozy table?

 

[LCK]

Agree with most of OGP's comments

 

I dunno - I kinda like it but I feel there are a few things to pick apart - I rarely find anything in your lyrics to really question.

 

A Small Cafe on Cornelia Street"

 

There’s a small café, do you remember (theres a small cafe.... are you also saying this to the person you are asking if they remember the table? seems wrong...... maybe AT the small cafe..... and possibly not small

 

our little table by the windowsill? (agree that little feels odd here)

 

We laughed and watched the people coming home (id rather they were doing something more coupley..... "we counted all the people coming home"?)

 

all bundled up against the winter’s chill.

 

Then the spring and summer turned to autumn. (spring AND summer turned to autumn? well maybe..... then through spring.... as summer turned to autumn maybe?)

 

Life turned cold the day you went away. (well yes BUT it IS autumn..... maybe if the season turned to summer.... but life felt cold it would be stronger?)

 

Yet sometimes I swear I hear your laughter ( maybe... yet sometimes i swear I see your face.... in the window of the small cafe)

echo from inside that small café.

 

as I walk beside that small café.

 

Some good ideas, thanks!

[LCK]

New draft...

 

 

There’s a small café, do you remember

where we would meet on Cornelia Street?

We’d laugh and watch the people passing by

and count the snowflakes piling ’round their feet.

 

Then came spring, then summer turned to autumn.

Life turned cold the day you went away.

Yet sometimes I still can hear us laughing

when I walk beside that small café.

[oldgitplayer]

New draft...

 

 

There’s a small café, do you remember

where we would meet on Cornelia Street?

We’d laugh and watch the people passing by

and count the snowflakes piling ’round their feet.

 

Then came spring, then summer turned to autumn.

Life turned cold the day you went away.

Yet sometimes I still can hear us laughing

when I walk beside that small café.

 

You wouldn't be able to count the snowflakes and they wouldn't pile around the feet of walking people.

 

I seem to remember that you don't much like the use of the word 'life' in songs.

Maybe imply the dual situation with 'It turned cold' ???

 

Otherwise it's moving along nicely……….

 

[stickboymusic]

And just like that a song was born. Love it

[LCK]

 

You wouldn't be able to count the snowflakes and they wouldn't pile around the feet of walking people.

 

 

It hadn't escaped my attention, but I couldn't find another good rhyme for street!

 

Hence, the following (which came to me in the shower):

 

 

There’s a small café, do you remember

on Cornelia Street, where we used to go?

We’d laugh and watch people passing by

bundled up against the flying snow.

 

Then came spring, then summer turned to autumn.

The world turned cold the night you went away.

Yet I swear I still can hear us laughing

when snowflakes fall outside that small café.

[oldgitplayer]

Yes - much better.

'Cornelia Street' also sits much better away from the line end.

[mbfrancis]

 

It hadn't escaped my attention, but I couldn't find another good rhyme for street!

 

Hence, the following (which came to me in the shower):

 

 

There’s a small café, do you remember

on Cornelia Street, where we used to go?

We’d laugh and watch people passing by

bundled up against the flying snow.

 

Then came spring, then summer turned to autumn.

The world turned cold the day you went away.

Yet I swear I still can hear us laughing

when snowflakes fall outside that small café.

 

 

 

Love this - addresses every comment I had.

 

[LCK]

Cool, thanks!

[Etienne Rambert]

New draft...

 

 

There’s a small café, do you remember

where we would meet on Cornelia Street?

We’d laugh and watch the people passing by

and count the snowflakes piling ’round their feet.

 

Then came spring, then summer turned to autumn.

Life turned cold the day you went away.

Yet sometimes I still can hear us laughing

when I walk beside that small café.

 

BIG improvement from the first version.

I like 'em both. But now you're getting somewhere.

 

My thoughts:

 

 

 

There’s a small café where we would meet

On Cornelia Street, we’d laugh and watch people

As snowflakes fell, to the ground, round their feet.

 

Then came spring, summer, autumn.

Life changed colors; you moved away.

Yet sometimes I still hear you laughing

In that small café.

 

"moved away" bothers me. Something more important may have

transpired than her merely just moving away. I can't come up with

the idea I'm looking for though.

 

"Life changed colors, you changed ___________."

[bee3]

I think 'falling' snow might work better. Nice work as usual LCK.

[LCK]

 

BIG improvement from the first version.

I like 'em both. But now you're getting somewhere.

 

My thoughts:

 

 

 

"moved away" bothers me. Something more important may have

transpired than her merely just moving away. I can't come up with

the idea I'm looking for though.

 

"Life changed colors, you changed ___________."

 

That was someone else's suggestion. I never used that thing about life changing colors.

[LCK]

I think 'falling' snow might work better. Nice work as usual LCK.

 

Very good! Thanks!

 

I've been tweaking things, and indeed, falling snow is now in the mix.

 

Possible new version, with two versions of the ending.

 

On Cornelia Street

 

There’s a small café, do you remember

on Cornelia Street, where we used to go?

We talked and laughed as people passed outside

bundled up against the falling snow.

 

Then came spring, then summer turned to autumn.

The world turned cold the night you went away.

Yet I swear I still can hear our laughter

when snowflakes fall outside that small café.

 

(musical interlude)

 

Then came spring, then summer turned to autumn.

Our goodbyes were strangely bittersweet.

Yet I swear I still can hear our laughter

at the place we used to meet on Cornelia Street.

 

Music & Lyric © 2015 by Lee Charles Kelley

West Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP)

 

 

 

 

 

I think this is pretty good.

 

Now I just have to come up with a killer tune...

[oldgitplayer]

 

I've been tweaking things, and indeed, falling snow is now in the mix.

 

Possible new version, with two versions of the ending.

 

On Cornelia Street

 

There’s a small café, do you remember

on Cornelia Street, where we used to go?

We talked and laughed as people passed outside

bundled up against the falling snow.

 

Then came spring, then summer turned to autumn.

The world turned cold the night you went away.

Yet I swear I still can hear our laughter

when snowflakes fall outside that small café.

 

(musical interlude)

 

Then came spring, then summer turned to autumn.

Our goodbyes were strangely bittersweet.

Yet I swear I still can hear our laughter

at the place we used to meet on Cornelia Street.

 

.

 

I wanted to comment on the snow 'flying' but I thought it must be common usage in your neck of the woods.

(Well Canada neck of the woods)

"If I get there 'fore the snow flys

And if things are looking good……"

 

Instead of using the 'other' verse as an alternative, you could use it as part of a trad song structure:

V1

V2

Middle 8 (instrumental melodically different)

V3

 

If you do use it, then the final line has an opportunity for an internal rhyme:

 

Yet I swear I still can hear our laughter

Where we used to meet on Cornelia Street.

 

It may sing a little easier as well with the reduced syllables

 

But otherwise I think it is baked.

 

[Lee Knight]

I have nothing to offer other than... You are very good at this. Nice.

[LCK]

A rough idea for the tune...

 

 

On Cornelia Street

 

There’s a small café, do you remember

on Cornelia Street, where we used to go?

Where we’d talk and laugh as people passed outside

bundled up against the softly falling snow.

 

Then came the springtime, then summer turned to autumn.

The world turned cold the night you went away.

Yet I swear sometimes that I still can hear our laughter

whenever snowflakes fall outside that small café.

[rickidoo]

I changed the pitch on GO "where we used to go" (went down) and "Snow" of the softly falling snow. (went down and up).

 

For what it's worth.

 

LCK song snippet

 

Loving the chordage and melody ... as always.

[LCK]

I changed the pitch on GO "where we used to go" (went down) and "Snow" of the softly falling snow. (went down and up).

 

For what it's worth.

 

LCK song snippet

 

Loving the chordage and melody ... as always.

 

Nice.

 

I've changed the tune and chordage a little, but I still might use this...

[rsadasiv]

 

Very good! Thanks!

 

I've been tweaking things, and indeed, falling snow is now in the mix.

 

Possible new version, with two versions of the ending.

 

On Cornelia Street

 

There’s a small café, do you remember

on Cornelia Street, where we used to go?

We talked and laughed as people passed outside

bundled up against the falling snow.

 

Then came spring, then summer turned to autumn.

The world turned cold the night you went away.

Yet I swear I still can hear our laughter

when snowflakes fall outside that small café.

 

(musical interlude)

 

Then came spring, then summer turned to autumn.

Our goodbyes were strangely bittersweet.

Yet I swear I still can hear our laughter

at the place we used to meet on Cornelia Street.

 

Music & Lyric © 2015 by Lee Charles Kelley

West Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP)

 

 

 

 

 

I think this is pretty good.

 

Now I just have to come up with a killer tune...

 

 

This is pretty good.

[LCK]

I'm not fully satisfied with the last line of verse 2. I think it should have more syllables, something like "when I recall that lovely small café..." or something.

 

As for the recording, I have a bit of a cold, so pardon my vocal.

 

"On Cornelia Street"

(2:13)

 

 

 

1.

There’s a small café, do you remember

on Cornelia Street, where we used to go?

We talked and laughed as people passed the window

bundled up against the falling snow.

 

2.

The years roll by, December to December.

And though the world turned cold the night you went away

the thrill of you still burns me like an ember

when I recall ... that small café.

 

Coda.

the little place we used to meet

… on Cornelia Street.

[oldgitplayer]

It's great the way it is. Don't bung another adjective into the last line. The pause is sometimes more powerful than the word.

In this instance the pause reinforces the recall / small rhyme.

[LCK]

It's great the way it is. Don't bung another adjective into the last line. The pause is sometimes more powerful than the word.

In this instance the pause reinforces the recall / small rhyme.

 

Thanks. Yes, I've come to that conclusion myself...