"Dear Mr. Commissar"

[LCK]

I don't envision this being something I could, or would write, musically.

 

So I'll just toss it out there for anyone who thinks it has potential.

 

 

"Dear Mr. Commissar"

 

 

 

Dear Commissar, we’ve got no meat,

no beans, no bread, no {censored}ing heat.

Our shoes have holes, they hurt our feet.

I’m writing this to tell you how things are,

Dear Mr. Commissar, Dear Mr. Commissar.

 

My Uncle’s ill; he worked three jobs.

My aunt’s disconsolate, she sobs and sobs.

My nephew’s joined the angry mobs.

I’m writing this to tell you how things are,

Dear Mr. Commissar, Dear Mr. Commissar.

 

I see you with your brandy in your easy chair,

so at ease, you've really got some balls.

Dear Mr. Commissar, Dear Mr. Congressman,

Dear Mr. Senator, Dear Paid-For Justices, Dear Mr. President,

Read My Lips, Tear Down These Walls!

 

How much of this nation’s wealth must you control

when nearly every Christmas stocking’s stuffed with coal?

[oldgitplayer]

Everything you do has potential - you just have to take it to that special place.

This one is a good start.

 

A couple of suggestions:

 

Lose a word in line 4. Here are 2 ways:

Also maybe don't repeat Mr Commissar in the last line

 

Dear Commissar, we’ve got no meat,

no beans, no bread, no ****************ing heat.

Our shoes have holes, they hurt our feet.

I’m writing to tell you how things are,………..I’m writing this to say how things are,

Note my words, Dear Mr. Commissar. (or something)

 

 

 

[mbfrancis]

I like this a lot. Some of the lines can be tightened, but the images are great.

 

You lost me when you started dropping American job titles...until then I thought I knew what was going on and where we were and that this was reality-based, not intentionally hyperbolic. So I'm not clear on the tone.

[LCK]

I like this a lot. Some of the lines can be tightened, but the images are great.

 

You lost me when you started dropping American job titles....

 

That was the idea that came to me after I'd come up with the first two verses. We think this guy is a Russian, complaining about lack of food, heat, etc. So the "American job titles" are there to tell the story that things aren't much different for a lot of people in America these days than they were for the poor souls in Russia in days gone by. That's the conceit of the song.

 

It probably needs more work...

[oldgitplayer]

Maybe structure what you've got as V C V B C with the string of American positions as part of the chorus.

[mbfrancis]

 

That was the idea that came to me after I'd come up with the first two verses. We think this guy is a Russian, complaining about lack of food, heat, etc. So the "American job titles" are there to tell the story that things aren't much different for a lot of people in America these days than they were for the poor souls in Russia in days gone by. That's the conceit of the song.

 

It probably needs more work...

 

Oh, I get it. I think you might be able to pull it off, but I think you need to start that tone early, and acknowledge that there's some hyperbolic stretch in the connection. For me "Commissar" is a heavy word, redolent of Stalinist purges and the gulag, the terror famine, genuine crushing of dissent by the state, etc., so if you're going to say "hey that's just like the U.S.," you're going to lose a lot of us credibility-wise if you're doing it straight-faced I suspect. But I could be wrong - my dad escaped from Hungary in 1956, I might be too close to this.

[LCK]

 

Oh, I get it. I think you might be able to pull it off, but I think you need to start that tone early, and acknowledge that there's some hyperbolic stretch in the connection. For me "Commissar" is a heavy word, redolent of Stalinist purges and the gulag, the terror famine, genuine crushing of dissent by the state, etc., so if you're going to say "hey that's just like the U.S.," you're going to lose a lot of us credibility-wise if you're doing it straight-faced I suspect. But I could be wrong - my dad escaped from Hungary in 1956, I might be too close to this.

 

Go, Dad!!

 

I have no interest in writing this song, though. I just thought I'd post the beginnings of an idea in case anyone else was interested enough to want to run with it.

 

This is sooooooooo not my cup of чай.

[oldgitplayer]

 

This is sooooooooo not my cup of чай.

 

But sometimes it can be good for us to leave our comfort zone………..

 

[mbfrancis]

 

But sometimes it can be good for us to leave our comfort zone………..

 

 

+1 This could totally be the first song in "Perestroika, the Musical."