Members BenStoller Posted December 15, 2014 Members Share Posted December 15, 2014 Here's a song that was inspired by Simon and Garfunkel's Bridge of Troubled Waters Lighthousehttps://soundcloud.com/benjaminstoller/lighthouse When life’s evening sun is sinkingIn times of deepest gloomAnd you think that no one understandsLike a beacon at night, always in sightLet me help you find your way If it feels like the earth is crumblingout from beneath your feetAnd your knees, they buckle from the heavy loadHelp comes too late and all hope is goneCall on me, I’ll lend a hand. Chorus:When your seas are rough,And the going gets tough,I’ll be your lighthouse,Let me be your lighthouse.I’ll be your lighthouse in the storm As the sun sets on the lonely travelerDesolate winds cry over the seaAnd sorrows, like waves, wash over youYour storm beaten soul can't take any moreKeep your rudder steady and sail on. Now I may not have all the answersBut I’ve seen trouble in my dayAnd I’ve learned, yes I have learnedthat a good friend in life is your guiding lightAll alone you won't find your way (chorus) All that I ask in returnIs that you be a friend to meYou can shine, yeah shine your own lightAnd help me make it through the nightShine on, my friend, shine on. (chorus 2x) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted December 15, 2014 Members Share Posted December 15, 2014 Very well written...a few cliches but not at all offensive...I would call it a good write. The melody could use some tweaking, I bet its one of those things that if you asked 5 different people to add music to this you would get quite a spread of melody sounds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted December 15, 2014 Members Share Posted December 15, 2014 I think there are some good lyrical elements (some a bit strained), but I'm puzzled about the occasional nature of the rhyme scheme, sometimes you use rhymes, other times you don't. I'm not averse to writing without rhymes. I've done it a few times and liked the result. One of Paul Simon's best songs ("America") has none. But that's not what you're doing here. It's just scattershot. Any reason why? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted December 16, 2014 Members Share Posted December 16, 2014 Nice idea and expressive performance.But I find the 'lighthouse' a metaphor that doesn't quite fit. Maybe it's too big and powerful standing on the cliff top. If you had chosen something like 'Let me be your lantern' or something of a similar human scale, then maybe it could work better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DonnaMarilyn Posted December 16, 2014 Members Share Posted December 16, 2014 The lyric has several appealing individual images. The concept is a good one. I feel though that it would benefit from tightening up the focus. For instance, decide on or two metaphors at the most, and stick with them. In V1, life seems to be coming to an end (‘life’s evening sun is sinking’) (I doubt you’re referring to death here, but this is how I interpret it); in V2, the earth is crumbling; but in the chorus (which starts off like another verse), the metaphor is the ocean (which continues into V3). Then in what I presume is the bridge, the focus and mood change entirely to become a plea for the singee to be a beacon for the singer. I’m with OGP regarding ‘lighthouse. Something like a candle or a lantern might be more accessible. The lantern could even be in the hands of someone in a small boat coming to the aid of the person foundering in the sea, etc. etc. If you prefer to stick with 'lighthouse', though, perhaps introduce imagery that is related to actual lighthouses. This might help to anchor the notion of 'lighthouse'. I’d like to see more show and less tell. Rather than using adjectives – ‘lonely, desolate’, perhaps try to use verbs that convey these moods. For instance, desolate winds could become ‘winds howl’, and so on. The descriptive language is a little overwhelming, with many images fighting against each other. Some of the cliches – e.g. ‘And the going gets tough’ (especially following 'When your seas are rough') - weaken the impact, and your excellent message – being a light for someone struggling in the darkness – is buried under the wordage. You have a good foundation here, Ben. Determining and maintaining your focus, trimming several words, and making the chorus more powerful and distinct from the verses (and placing the title/hook in a main power position - e.g. line 1 of the chorus) would result in a clearer and compelling message, expressed in a unique way. To show what I mean about keeping the chorus distinct & focused, here's a rough example only. I’ll be your lighthouse When the seas run high I’ll shine like hope In the darkest sky I’ll be your lighthouse When the danger bell warns I’ll be your lighthouse In the storm I hope the above is useful in some way. Keep or sweep, of course. Donna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BenStoller Posted December 16, 2014 Author Members Share Posted December 16, 2014 @tbry - Thanks! I wrote it with a gospel-blues style piano accompaniment in mind, but since I don't play piano, I did what I could on guitar. @LCK - The rhymes were "scattershot" for instability and variety. @oldgitplayer - Yeah, I tried a few other metaphors, but they didn't sing as well as "lighthouse," probably because "lighthouse" has two long vowels. Try singing "I'll be your lantern..." @Donna - Great suggestions. I agree with your interpretation of "life's evening sun." Maybe I'll change it to "When the evening sun is sinking..." Also, "Winds howl over the sea" is a good idea and sings better than "desolate winds cry..." (which I borrowed from Yeats). The chorus with "rough" and "tough" was kind of a hook. It's fun to sing. I didn't want to get too sappy. Thanks everyone for your input! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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