Mister Oblivion

[DonnaMarilyn]

 

My original raw rag-and-bone-man concept is simmering on the back burner at the moment.

 

This piece is fresh from the quill.

 

(Note: The execution is intentionally abstract. I sometimes submit songs to film/tv listings, and these require non-specific details.)

 

Is the story discernable? Cohesive?

NB: words in brackets [ ] can be dropped.

 

Have at it, folks!

 

DEC. 14: New bridge added.

DEC. 15: 'scours' replaced by 'scrubs at'.

DEC. 18: Chorus, line 3 now line 5; Bridge - 'fumbling' now 'tossing'; V2 - line 3 changed.

 

REVISED VERSION 1

 

Mister Oblivion

 

V1

He creeps like a spectre

Through your room of regrets

[And] you hope that he'll pilfer

What you want to forget

 

Chorus

Mister Oblivion scrubs at your heart

He’ll come at your call in his chemical cart

Sweep away fragments of plans you had laid

Erasing old traces of messes you made

Mister Oblivion works in the dark

 

V2

He seeks every moment

[That] you wasted or lost

All misconceived hope

The chances you dropped

 

Bridge

Tossing in your tangled sheet

You lift him from a drawer

Each time now a little more

 

Chorus

Mister Oblivion scrubs at your heart

He’ll come at your call in his chemical cart

Sweep away fragments of plans you had laid

Erasing old traces of messes you made

Mister Oblivion works in the dark

 

Mister Oblivion scrubs at your heart

He’ll come at your call in his chemical cart

Mister Oblivion works in the dark

 

 

ORIGINAL

 

Mister Oblivion

 

V1

He creeps like a spectre

At your feast of regrets

[And] you hope that he'll pilfer

What you want to forget

 

V2

He tastes every moment

[That] you wasted or lost

Every hint of false hope

[And] all the bridges you crossed

 

Chorus

Mister Oblivion scours your hearts

He’ll come at your call

With his chemical cart

Mister Oblivion works in the dark

While sweeping up fragments

Of plans that were laid

Erasing old traces of messes you made

 

Bridge

He’s doing you a favour

Wiping memories [that] you don’t need

But he leaves enough behind

So your loneliness can feed

 

Chorus

Mister Oblivion scours your hearts

He’ll come at your call

With his chemical cart

Mister Oblivion works in the dark

While sweeping up fragments

Of plans that were laid

Erasing old traces of messes you made

 

Mister Oblivion scours your hearts

He’ll come at your call

With his chemical cart

Mister Oblivion works in the dark

 

© 2014 Donna Devine

[tbry]

The Mr Oblivion thing isn't really making a connection for me...reading all the other words it seems something to match the Chemical Cart line would tie it together for me..

 

[oldgitplayer]

The story is quite clear even though it is peppered with metaphor and abstraction - so no worries there.

 

I agree that the Bridge still needs to be brought into line with the central theme - close but not there yet.

 

I would suggest structuring the song with the chorus immediately after the 1st verse - not essential, but I know it's what I would do.

 

Also the cadence of the verse lines needs to be kept tight without superfluous words that would need to be hurried when sung.

 

The short punchy verse lines will then juxtapose nicely with the long syllable words in the longer lines in the chorus : Mister Oblivion, Erasing old traces.

 

​There are also a couple of word alternatives you might wish to consider.

 

Mister Oblivion

 

V1

He creeps like a spectre

Through your feast of regrets

You hope that he’ll pilfer

What you want to forget

 

Chorus

Mister Oblivion tidies up hearts

He’ll come at your call

With his chemical cart

Mister Oblivion works in the dark

While sweeping up fragments

Of plans that were laid

Erasing old traces of chaos you made

 

V2

He tastes every moment

You wasted or lost

Every hint of false hope

All the bridges you crossed

 

Bridge

He’s doing you a favour

Wiping memories [that] you don’t need

But he leaves enough behind

So your loneliness can feed

 

Chorus

Mister Oblivion tidies up hearts

He’ll come at your call

With his chemical cart

Mister Oblivion works in the dark

While sweeping up fragments

Of plans that were laid

Erasing old traces of chaos you made

 

Mister Oblivion tidies up hearts

He’ll come at your call

With his chemical cart

Mister Oblivion works in the dark

 

[DonnaMarilyn]

That’s a good point, tbry. I think the bridge might be the best place to make that connection.

 

Thank you for your feedback, OGP. I’m glad the sense is clear. I agree about the bridge needing to be brought into line with the central theme. I’m thinking tbry’s suggestion (re the chemical cart) might fit here. I welcome suggestions.

 

Funny, I almost structured the lyric as you’ve suggested. I’ll do that.

 

I agree about cadence. At the moment, the metering in each verse is identical, but I always bracket words/syllables that can easily be dropped, depending upon what the vocalist does. My preference is for short & punchy.

 

Good word alternatives. I like ‘pilfer’ (and it gets rid of a syllable). I wanted to use ‘at the feast’, though, since it’s a reference to Macbeth (Banquo being the ‘spectre at the feast’). Mind you, I think I’ve just talked myself out of it, since the connotation there is negative, whereas Mister Oblivion would be seen as positive.

 

Not sure about ‘chaos’, as one usually creates chaos rather than makes it. Plus I wanted the alliteration ‘mess/made’. But I’m still in ‘alternative words’ mode.

[oldgitplayer]

I'm not sold on 'chaos' - I was just looking to replace 'messes' which seemed tame.

Maybe there's another solution lying in wait.

[LCK]

 

Good word alternatives. I like ‘pilfer’ ...

 

Me too.

 

I think this one works much better as is (with a few tweaks) than Rag and Bone Man. That said, I feel that Rag and Bone Man has more potential to be something really, really good.

 

It's all in the execution.*

 

 

 

*Feel free to pilfer that line.

[mbfrancis]

I like this a lot - not crazy about the words sceptre or pilfer, though.

 

Also what does "scour your hearts" mean? I have an idea, but wondering where you're coming from.

[DonnaMarilyn]

LCK, I'm with you on Rag & Bone Man. It's still simmering.

 

Thanks, mbfrancis. Meanwhile, I've made several changes (they're also in the top post).

 

By 'scour' I meant get rid of hurts/memories, etc. that clutter up the heart/mind. That's likely what you inferred, eh?

 

I've replaced 'scour' with 'scrubs at', but not 100% sold on it. Likewise with the bridge.

 

REVISED VERSION 1

 

Mister Oblivion

 

V1

He creeps like a spectre

Through your room of regrets

[And] you hope that he'll pilfer

What you want to forget

 

Chorus

Mister Oblivion scrubs at your heart

He’ll come at your call in his chemical cart

Mister Oblivion works in the dark

Sweeps away fragments of plans you had laid

Erases old traces of messes you made

 

V2

He seeks every moment

[That] you wasted or lost

All hints of false hope

The chances you dropped

 

Bridge

Fumbling in your tangled sheet

You lift him from a drawer

Each time now a little more

 

Chorus

Mister Oblivion scrubs at your heart

He’ll come at your call in his chemical cart

Mister Oblivion works in the dark

Sweeps away fragments of plans you had laid

Erases old traces of messes you made

 

Mister Oblivion scrubs at your heart

He’ll come at your call in his chemical cart

Mister Oblivion works in the dark

[LCK]

I like this a lot - not crazy about the words sceptre or pilfer, though.

 

Also what does "scour your hearts" mean? I have an idea, but wondering where you're coming from.

 

I agree but scepter, not pilfer though. I love that!

[oldgitplayer]

IMO

scours - good.

scrubs - not so good

 

I'm going to veer a little off topic now:

 

I'm interested that LCK likes 'pilfer'. I like it too - that's why I suggested it. It falls in the cadence of the line where it is possible to sing in an interesting way.

I try to place and sing my verbs in a way that they retain their strong form. Verbs after all, are our action words.

 

The English language is very rich in synonyms (thanks to all those bloodthirsty invaders of our little island), and as songwriters we can make use of them.

'Steal' does the job, but it has done the job in soooo many songs. Synonyms give us an opportunity to turn a new phrase.

[LCK]

 

I agree about scepter, not pilfer though. I love that!

 

[oldgitplayer]

^^^ ??? I think we are on the same page with the word 'pilfer'

[DonnaMarilyn]

I've decided to keep 'spectre'. If i'm going to use $10 words like 'pilfer', I might as well go the whole hog.

 

I like the notion of 'pilfer' implying 'stealth', and of course it's a more interesting word than 'steal'.

 

Think I'll stick with 'scrubs at', though, because the term implies effort, and I like the implication that maybe not everything gets cleaned away in one go, whereas 'scours' implies something is thoroughly cleaned.

 

Any thoughts about the rest of the lyric? For instance, V2? The new bridge?

 

And the title…Maybe 'Doctor Oblivion' rather than Mister Oblivion?

[oldgitplayer]

I think 'Mister Oblivion' works best. It's a narco song, and Mister Oblivion is a narcotic state.

The introduction of 'Doctor' confuses the issue and both 'medicalises' the events and suggests a real person.

[DonnaMarilyn]

Thanks, OGP. That makes sense. Introducing 'doctor' would confuse the issue.

[mbfrancis]

Unfortunately few people actually use "pilfer" in speech - that's my problem with it. Synonyms are great, but usually because the replacement has a different shading, or adds meaning. Pilfer in this context is just more esoteric I think. My $.02, happy to be outvoted.

[stickboymusic]

Can I suggest

 

He creeps like a spectre

Through your room of regrets

With his wretched detector

And his dream stealing net

[Mikeo]

The whole thing is just a bit too forced for me. Now the good news is I have all day here at work to do nothing.

 

It's the last day of finals here and I'm just hanging.

 

Might even have a few suggestions.

 

 

 

 

[DonnaMarilyn]

Mbfrancis, I get that, for sure. Absolutely right about 'pilfer' not being a commonly used word in everyday speech, and of course neither is 'spectre'. I think when it comes to the crunch, I'll see how my collaborator feels about either word. I'm ambivalent.

 

SBM, in itself, your suggestion is good (love those images), but the message is different from the story's intention: the singer welcomes Mister Oblivion (e.g. in the form of sleeping pills or whatever).

 

Mikeo, the piece is intended to be a bit over the top. But I look forward to your feedback. (I've told my collaborator I hope to send him the more-or-less finished lyric by the end of the week. After that, we'll touch on whatever little areas warrant further tweaking.)

 

UPDATE: You know, that comment re Dr. Seuss got me thinking. (Thanks for that. ) I see where those three end rhymes (heart/cart/heart) give that vibe. Wondering now whether replacing 'your heart' with 'the past' would bring in a little variety.

[Mikeo]

 

Mikeo, the piece is intended to be a bit over the top. But I look forward to your feedback. (I've told my collaborator I hope to send him the more-or-less finished lyric by the end of the week. After that, we'll touch on whatever little areas warrant further tweaking.)

 

When I first read the lyrics, I was about 2 lines into it all and start reading like I was reading a Dr. Seuss story.

 

That's just the way it happened. I was taking over the top, and putting it even more over the top.

 

 

[oldgitplayer]

 

UPDATE: You know, that comment re Dr. Seuss got me thinking. (Thanks for that. ) I see where those three end rhymes (heart/cart/heart) give that vibe. Wondering now whether replacing 'your heart' with 'the past' would bring in a little variety.

 

Is there merit in shuffling the sentences - it still all makes sense, and I like having Mr Oblivion as a tag in the final line of the chorus.

 

Chorus

Mister Oblivion scrubs at your heart

He’ll come at your call in his chemical cart

Sweeps away fragments of plans you had laid

Erases old traces of messes you made

Mister Oblivion works in the dark

 

[DonnaMarilyn]

That works! Thanks, OGP. I like the title/hook in the last line as well. Makes for a punchier chorus.

 

This is what I value so much about feedback. A person can get so walled in by her/his own lyric, that it usually takes other people to recognise which bricks might be better removed, added, or rearranged.