Members stickboymusic Posted November 24, 2014 Members Share Posted November 24, 2014 Just picked up the guitar at work and sang this into my phone So yes it SOUNDS awful BUT is the song terrible. A big part of me thinks its all a bit cliche....but it might be fun to work it up to a pop type song I haven't quite nailed the melody and I need a strong last 2 lines in the chorus as they are proper filler at the mo Worth working on or a ditcher? http://picosong.com/42Jq/ EDIT: CHANGED THE KEY AND SOME CHORDS http://picosong.com/42Qp/ Ive gotta sayThat when you’re falling by the waysideYou gotta pick yourself right upAnd start againCos everydayThat youre feelin like youre beatenYou gotta learn that everythingsGonna be ok You gotta stop thinking everythings gonna come crashing down….hit the groundWith a little bit of lovin you might…see everythings gonna be alright Cos ive got you and you’ve got meWe’ve got our own little dreams and a familyMoney in the bank for a rainy dayWell the sun never shines here anywaySo we’ll run out to the city where the night never fadesWe can go to every party join in every paradeGamble all our money on a second hand betAs long as we’re together…there’s nothing we can regret Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted November 24, 2014 Members Share Posted November 24, 2014 Nice tune.. .nice flow... The line "we've got our own little dreams and a family" kind of implies there are kids involved (at least that's what I took from it). But it's clear from the rest of the song that isn't the case. Suggest a slight change to that line to something like: We've got our own little dreams of a familyORMaybe one day a familyORBut happiness is not guaranteed Love this line: Money in the bank for a rainy day / Well the sun never shines here anyway Definitely worth developing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted November 24, 2014 Author Members Share Posted November 24, 2014 Nice tune.. .nice flow... The line "we've got our own little dreams and a family" kind of implies there are kids involved (at least that's what I took from it). But it's clear from the rest of the song that isn't the case. Suggest a slight change to that line to something like: We've got our own little dreams of a family OR Maybe one day a family OR But happiness is not guaranteed Love this line: Money in the bank for a rainy day / Well the sun never shines here anyway Definitely worth developing. Yeh good points..... i havent really thought or edited.... i think i was going to lead it that way....the family ect ect...but didn't Your suggestions make it make more sense Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DonnaMarilyn Posted November 24, 2014 Members Share Posted November 24, 2014 For some reason, I can't access the music. I'll focus just on the lyric. Yes, a lot of cliches, but that's the nature of a lot of pop songs. It'll likely be all about the delivery. I'm assuming the third section is the chorus? I got a big kick out lines 3 & 4. In fact, I could even envisage them being the hooky part of the chorus, since nothing else really stands out. It's a mainly a series of images that don't necessarily connect to what's being said in section 1. I think the disconnect might be because section 1 sounds as if the singer is addressing a universal audience, and speaking in platitudes, but in the chorus, he's addressing a specific person. In general, and I think especially in pop music, a repeated hook is a lot more memorable. At 8 lines, the chorus is long (though flows well, apart from line 8). I think you could almost get away with dropping lines 1 & 2, and start off with 'We've got money in the bank for a rainy day'. In any case, if you stick to the chorus you have, I think you could tighten it up by dropping a few syllables. Line 8 is a little clunky. Suggest re-wording it or opting for a different end rhyme to go with 'bet'. Here's what I mean (an example of an alternative): Cos ive got you and you’ve got me We’ve got our dreams about a family Money in the bank for a rainy day Well the sun never shines here anyway So we’ll run to the city where the night never fades Go to every party and ticker-tape parade Gamble our money on a second hand bet Not do a thing that we're gonna regret In the alternative line 8 there's an ironic twist, in that it's saying that the singer and his lady will regret none of the previously mentioned things. If section 2 is intended as the pre-chorus, I'd recommend rethinking it, as basically it repeats what's in section 1. In section 1 (V1?), I'd like to see a stronger, more dramatic first line. Something to really grab the listener/reader by the throat. In any case, I think you've got a good basis to build on. Well, just a few thoughts for your consideration. I hope they're helpful. Keep or sweep. Donna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted November 25, 2014 Members Share Posted November 25, 2014 It feels good - you've got the concept in place.I think it just needs some further development. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted November 25, 2014 Members Share Posted November 25, 2014 Really like this, this is swinging for the fences in a way, trying to write something huge and universal. Keep it coherent, don't try to inject weirdness (hard for me). Some of the verse the melody and chords don't sync as well as they should for me (falling by the wayside). Back half of the chorus should be a verse or a bridge, it lets the chorus down the awesome perfect 1st half. Chorus needs to lead to a big unique title at the end that you can repeat, you don't have that now. Good stuff. Get some safe pop star to sing this...and retire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted November 25, 2014 Author Members Share Posted November 25, 2014 Really like this, this is swinging for the fences in a way, trying to write something huge and universal. Keep it coherent, don't try to inject weirdness (hard for me). Some of the verse the melody and chords don't sync as well as they should for me (falling by the wayside). Back half of the chorus should be a verse or a bridge, it lets the chorus down the awesome perfect 1st half. Chorus needs to lead to a big unique title at the end that you can repeat, you don't have that now. Good stuff. Get some safe pop star to sing this...and retire. Yeh its a funny one....i dont feel 100 percent behind this song but it feels like its being written for a purpose....i.e its not something id normally really "like" but it MIGHT have mass appeal if I can nail it. With you on the chorus...and ending at "Well the sun never shines here anyway" and then writing a great hook line will be the way. Next section will work as a bridge im sure. In terms of the melody/chords in the verse.... i think I have already tidied them a little (although they arent on that rough recording) so should be fine. Gonna have to put some work into this one. Ta Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted November 25, 2014 Author Members Share Posted November 25, 2014 Does this work on any level? http://picosong.com/4VpA/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted November 25, 2014 Members Share Posted November 25, 2014 I think this has a lot of potential...I like how you go into the chorus section ... Cos ive got you and you’ve got meWe’ve got our dreams about a familyMoney in the bank for a rainy dayWell the sun never shines here anyway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 25, 2014 Members Share Posted November 25, 2014 I like it. I listened to the 2nd and 3rd versions. The third is best, tempo-wise. I would replace there’s nothing we can regret to there's nothing to regret or something similar, because the line you've got now has one too many syllables IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted November 26, 2014 Members Share Posted November 26, 2014 EDIT: CHANGED THE KEY AND SOME CHORDS http://picosong.com/42Qp/ I like this one. *wave* (*and smile*) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted November 26, 2014 Members Share Posted November 26, 2014 Does this work on any level? http://picosong.com/4VpA/ Yes - you're leading up to a big title hook. 1) I think you pivot to early, needs a couple more sing songy lines, and 2) not sure the hook works and relates back to the song. But directionally, hell yes. Oh - pre-chorus totally sounds like a lost Oasis song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted November 26, 2014 Author Members Share Posted November 26, 2014 Well i quickly tracked the idea REALLY rough.... of course the song will sound nothing like this when done but does that chorus kind of work in context or does it still need more.... i feel its probably the latter? http://picosong.com/4jkm/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted November 26, 2014 Members Share Posted November 26, 2014 Hey - love the 'stop' part. I trust that when you fully work this up, that the chorus will shine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 26, 2014 Moderators Share Posted November 26, 2014 For me... the lyric comes alive when these words hit the scene. familyMoneybankrainy daysuncitynightpartyparadeGamblebet Those words "show" the story. It's interesting to me there. Prior to that verse it's just "tell" stuff. I'd get some scene and surroundings and actions happening from the start. It's what you do so well and what is missing from everything but the last verse. It's what you do so well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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