Fresh Material - Who Will Understand

[nat whilk II]

Haven't posted much lately, but here's one that came on in a rush and I kind of went all irresponsible and spent most of today getting it to this rough stratch mix stage.

Everything will be fussed over and re-recorded, but this is the gist:

 

 

Who Will Understand

 

 

Dreaming

like a summer child stares through the glass

as the wind lands silken punches

while the cars go swinging past

 

Wondering

someone in the haze whose eye I caught

whose face returned my gaze...ahh...

a mirror of souls, is it not?

 

I defy with all my fever

those who say that such things don't exist

the soul stands a mountain,

understanding is the mist

 

Working

the swish the click the tamp the slam

retract reset and reposition

pause then start the machine again

 

Counting

just how many bloodbeats to the day

decades flake and fall away like

sifted souls some devil throws away

 

do you dare to make a game

of the reason daylight came?

'tho seasons turn like angles on a frame

that doesn't mean it’s all the same

 

Crazy

as my crying mind tries to recall

what it was that held my grip so well

but failed to stop my fall?

 

Landing

in the place where all the bad dreams breed

in a hail of sticks and bottles, flakes of fire,

rocks that crack and bleed

 

now if one goes there

then we all go there

ain’t it just like us,

to leap in on a dare?

 

One day

the hidden hunter, arrow in his fist,

he will sight you down

at a range from which he never once has missed

 

One touch

You may never feel the fatal heat

just another stab of light reflecting from

something in the street

 

in a swarm of cotton bullets

you will dream and dive and swirl

that rough medicine will go to work

and cure you of this world

 

Seated

On a rock of monumental height

You conduct the phrase, the pace,

the sounding waves as music fills the night

 

and the universal speaker

sends your song across the land

everyone will hear it

who will understand

 

 

nat whilk ii

[stickboymusic]

Oh my God. My songwriter head wants to say it's too long but I couldn't possibly lose ONE of those poetic and beautiful words... totally transported me, filled me with emotion and made me think of everything big and small.

 

Delivered perfectly and with real believability.

 

If you never write another song then at least you have written this one.

[Lee Knight]

Wow. It's really something. You have put so much good stuff out there with this one. It's remarkable. So... the input I have, I really hesitate to have input with things like this. I can't do what you've done here. So, why would I offer input? In that sincere and humble spirit, I offer my "input".

 

First, it has a very latter day Nick Lowe feel and tone to it. And yet it sounds like you've never heard Lowe's later stuff. That's a great compliment. His new stuff is a testament to great song writing and a unique path. And that's you here. One thing Lowe does that you're missing here is a means of wrapping it up into a phrase every now and then. As a guidepost. As a courtesy to the listener. As a reward even. In Stoplight Roses, when Lowe says...

 

And prepare for

Some blues to descend

'Cause you've broken something this time

Stoplight roses can't mend.

 

Well... it all sort of congeals in meaning. He uses a cool device where stoplight roses always occurs in the same spot but the setup and the following rhyme word, in this example "mend", changes each time, bringing nuance and development. I believe a refrain phrase would go miles in effectiveness with this outstanding writing. But I don't want to be a naysayer or a party pooper. Carry on if this is your path. It's a dandy and you wear it well.

 

The other thing thing is...

 

Phrasing the words you have written on the page to your tongue. Just small little adjustments in your wording would reap huge reward in phrasing for the ear to hang onto. I couldn't imagine wanting to change "retract reset and reposition" and I still don't. But I have to admit it really doesn't sing well to my ears. Once again, I say this with all the humility I can muster, because this is some serious stuff you're written here. In other words, I concede that my input may be of little use in the life of a tune like this. It's exceptional.

 

Very cool work.

[nat whilk II]

Stick - I'm pretty much floored by your praise. You're someone with the essential songwriting fire, everyone knows that....so I'm super encouraged to say the least.

 

Lee - oh yes, the song is still a spotty teen. Especially the vocal phrasing - I was in pen on paper mode, the old poetic wordy mode, not singing much of it but just sounding it in my head. The vocal is only about the 3rd time I've sung it at all - it's raw, so definitely, the phrasing was what I had in mind first of all for fussing with.

 

And I agree about having a condensing, repeating phrase and that's what I had in mind, too - it was going to be "who will understand" or something like that, but wave after wave of these words kept roaring up out of my subconscious so I just had to mostly dictate and figure it all out later. I don't know how much I can mess with it, it flew in like an alien ship and now is sitting silent in of all places my back yard, smoking slightly...time will tell.

 

The repeating phrase would have to be a real zinger - if there's an archetype for me with this song it's Dylan's Desolation Row, which title is a zinger of exactly the type called for by this song - but I don't know if I can come up with one or not. I kind of like the gushing, forward progress of this song and formal, tidy techniques might divert the whole slow building avalanche feel that I think works in this one.

 

I'll have to check out Nick Lowe's later stuff - I still think of him as "Teacher teacher teach me more" etc....

 

Thx again for the feedback.

[LCK]

I say this with all the humility I can muster, because this is some serious stuff you're written here. In other words, I concede that my input may be of little use in the life of a tune like this. It's exceptional.

 

Very cool work.

 

I agree. The tune is fabulous. It made me think of Phil Ochs, but he never wrote anything this good musically, or lyrically.

 

That said, I think Lee's right about giving us a hook. The tune is so instantly memorable, and the feelings embedded in the lyric have a magnetic quality. And whenever we're magnetized by a song, we want to be able to sing along.

 

I would also take another look at the two lines that use the word "flake," and choose one as the keeper and use a different word for the second.

 

[bee3]

I'm not worthy to comment on this... only stopping in to say I'm in awe of lyrical folks like yourself.

 

Agree - a hook would really take this to the next level.

[nat whilk II]

I had to go look...I used "flake" twice? Yes! I think flakes of fire has to stand and the decades can break (not flake) and fall away (like the glacier of time calving, no?)...ez!

 

But a hook phrase...it'll have to be a gift from that mysterious dimension of inspiration...I doubt hard work would be of any avail this time...but I'll make a few stabs at it...

 

nat whilk ii

[Lee Knight]

Hook phrase idea...

 

now if one goes there

then we all go there

ain’t it just like us,

to leap in on a dare?

 

Leap in on a dare

Leap in on a dare

xx xxx xx xx unaware, so we

Leap in on a dare

[oldgitplayer]

This is good stuff. I look forward to seeing it fully developed.

I agree that it could benefit from a hook line.

 

This is not a solution, but simply a structural idea of how to introduce a hook line - something to chew on anyway:

 

Who Will Understand

 

Dreaming

like a summer child stares through the glass

as the wind lands silken punches

while the cars go swinging past

 

Wondering

someone in the haze whose eye I caught

whose face returned my gaze...ahh...

a mirror of souls, is it not?

 

I defy with all my fever

those who say that such things don't exist

the soul stands a mountain,

understanding is the mist

But understanding’s just a circling hawk

Where the ghost of freedom walks

 

Working

the swish the click the tamp the slam

retract reset and reposition

pause then start the machine again

 

Counting

just how many bloodbeats to the day

decades flake and fall away like

sifted souls some devil throws away

 

do you dare to make a game

of the reason daylight came?

'tho seasons turn like angles on a frame

that doesn't mean it’s all the same

But meaning in the shadow stalks

Where the ghost of freedom walks

 

Crazy

as my crying mind tries to recall

what it was that held my grip so well

but failed to stop my fall?

 

Landing

in the place where all the bad dreams breed

in a hail of sticks and bottles, flakes of fire,

rocks that crack and bleed

 

now if one goes there

then we all go there

ain’t it just like us,

to leap in on a dare?

But daring can amount to naught

Where the ghost of freedom walks

 

One day

the hidden hunter, arrow in his fist,

he will sight you down

at a range from which he never once has missed

 

One touch

You may never feel the fatal heat

just another stab of light reflecting from

something in the street

 

in a swarm of cotton bullets

you will dream and dive and swirl

that rough medicine will go to work

and cure you of this world

But curing’s just the end of talk

Where the ghost of freedom walks

 

Seated

On a rock of monumental height

You conduct the phrase, the pace,

the sounding waves as music fills the night

 

and the universal speaker

sends your song across the land

everyone will hear it

who will understand

When understanding’s just the end of thought

Where the ghost of freedom walks

 

[nat whilk II]

Bee - thanks for the kind words.

Lee & OGP - good suggestions. I'm going to have to let the hook idea percolate a while - the suggestions do help and have me thinking maybe it's possible.

 

nat whilk ii

 

 

 

[rsadasiv]

It's great. +1 for a Desolation Row style tag line but it works now with the guitar fill between the repeats.

[LCK]

It's great. +1 for a Desolation Row style tag line but it works now with the guitar fill between the repeats.

 

Yeah, that guitar fill is pretty spectacular, in its own quiet way.

[LeonardScaper]

Listening as I write......

 

Very, very nicely recorded. Smile.

 

This is just wonderful. I absolutely love how your voice sounds......you just have it in a perfect place. As far as length and lyric...please don't change much.

 

This is really what we are all about.

[tbry]

This type of song is unique and perfect as is...don't add a repeating phrase...you did it as it came to you. Perfect. I like that it isn't conventional. Opus number one....

[Lee Knight]

This type of song is unique and perfect as is...don't add a repeating phrase...you did it as it came to you. Perfect. I like that it isn't conventional. Opus number one....

You're probably right about that.

[tbry]

IDK about anyone else but this is one demo I keep coming back to and have listened 5-6 times...really exceptional song. Don't lose this recording... excellent.

 

Funny after I listen to anyones song on Soundcloud the next song up is Stickboys Castaway...does that happen to everyone?

[stickboymusic]

IDK about anyone else but this is one demo I keep coming back to and have listened 5-6 times...really exceptional song. Don't lose this recording... excellent.

 

Me too.

[rsadasiv]

IDK about anyone else but this is one demo I keep coming back to and have listened 5-6 times...really exceptional song. Don't lose this recording... excellent.

 

Funny after I listen to anyones song on Soundcloud the next song up is Stickboys Castaway...does that happen to everyone?

 

Lol - yes, me too.

[stickboymusic]

Oh good my spam bots are working Now how do I monetize this

[bee3]

Yes... that happens to me as well.

[mbfrancis]

Wow, this is outstanding.

 

Wow. It's really something. You have put so much good stuff out there with this one. It's remarkable. So... the input I have' date=' I really hesitate to [i']have[/i] input with things like this. I can't do what you've done here. So, why would I offer input? In that sincere and humble spirit, I offer my "input".

 

First, it has a very latter day Nick Lowe feel and tone to it. And yet it sounds like you've never heard Lowe's later stuff. That's a great compliment. His new stuff is a testament to great song writing and a unique path. And that's you here. One thing Lowe does that you're missing here is a means of wrapping it up into a phrase every now and then. As a guidepost. As a courtesy to the listener. .

 

I would agree with the above 1000%. First. this is so wonderful, so many amazing lines:

 

Crazy

as my crying mind tries to recall

what it was that held my grip so well

but failed to stop my fall?

...

now if one goes there

then we all go there

ain’t it just like us,

to leap in on a dare?

 

I also agree that it really needs something to help us along,, to some up and recap the sections. There are some wonderful images and turns of phrases here, pick one (as some have suggested).

 

Can't wait to see this get refined.

 

@tbry yeah I get Castaways, too...so lovely.

[AlamoJoe]

I'm in awe....This is a piece of art....I would'nt polish it all...It's perfect.

[Idunno]

Amazing melding of words. I sang it through on a melody I have but there needs to be another dynamic ushered in on the lyrics already present, on an altered structure, to give it natural respiration. I'm also guilty of this. In a single-minded lyrical focus structure gets kicked to the curb. It then becomes an exercise capturing both comfortably.

 

You have a very good head for word color and phrasing. Dylan-esque.

[nat whilk II]

....I sang it through on a melody I have but there needs to be another dynamic ushered in on the lyrics already present, on an altered structure, to give it natural respiration. I'm also guilty of this. In a single-minded lyrical focus structure gets kicked to the curb. It then becomes an exercise capturing both comfortably.

 

I agree on mondays, wednesdays and saturdays, and disagree the other days.

 

Yes, it's a simple, repetitive chord progression, no question there. But the basic idea is poem-like, really, not song-like. The same structure holds throughout and simply repeats, but the big arc of gradual intensification calls for the repetition. A song has hooks, a poem normally just forges on, expanding the statement. Expanding the statement is the big central thing going on...song tactics such as hooks and short-term structural things like a bridge or an intro or a lead section....the lack of these things doesn't bother me at all with this one.

 

All that said, if I can work in a repeating catch-phrase, I'll open to that. I'm playing with the idea of adding one more line to the big verses, a line that has a recognizably repeating hook. But I really, really, really don't want to change the basics of what's already there except for a few single word replacements I'm working on. I can add, but I won't take away or re-arrange in any significant way.

 

The other big thing I'm working on is the phrasing. I don't sing the melody the same at all, verse to verse, and I'm working on vocal stuff - swoops and glides and inflections and where to vibrato and where to not, where to go breathy and where to get a full set of lung air going...all that stuff. In my development as a singer-songwriter, the vocal stuff is my personal cutting or bleeding edge and I'm determined to develop a full-blown capability with a style of my own. Not there yet...but I've got a heading and the sails are out.

 

But all this talk of mine means nothing if I get inspired to do something other. If I'm talking, I'm tweaking. If I'm really creating, I'm just....gone somewhere new and trying to write some it down.

 

I'm very, very grateful for all the positive comments - and I take all the suggestions very seriously.

 

nat whilk ii