Anthem for the lost generation - If you have a mic HELP PLEASE!

[stickboymusic]

So this is VERY rough - the demo is VERY rough - a drum loop with guitar and vox recorded live over it and then some bass added.

 

Some of the words are place holders..... im pretty sure no one is going to like V2 as it seems a little distant to the crooks of the song but let me know if you think any bits are working!?

 

https://soundcloud.com/stickboy/anth...ery-rough-demo

 

An anthem for the lost generation.

 

Black hearts twist and shake there's nothin you can do

There comes a time when everything's no longer new

And if you're thinking that this songs not wrote for you

Then you'd be red....and I'd be blue

 

There goes another conversation to the fire

Way past its use by date , forgotten and expired

I need to know that you'll be back before the night

But you don't say....anything

 

You don't say anything but love can break your heart

You don't say anything but love can break your heart into Pieces....what gloom

 

There's a howling dog climbing up the spire

I saw a dancing leprechaun inside the fire

And how the cuckoo sang its song about the death Of everyone....now they're gone

 

I am the antichrist I am the shining light

I am the saviour of everything that's right

And if you take the chance I'm sure that you will find

That I'm not black....and I'm not white

 

This is an anthem for our lost generation

This ain't poetry or prose or manuscript

This is a dictionary for the art of conversation

A final chance to pull you from the sh!t

 

Call on me when you days are doomed

Call of me when your life don't bloom

Call on me when you're bored of this frustration

This is anthem for our lost generation

[rsadasiv]

Mobile formatting fail.

[stickboymusic]

Hopefully fixed

[rsadasiv]

Much better

[Lee Knight]

Can't listen yet but... Holy crap, I love this lyric.

[LeonardScaper]

I'll be looking for this one on a network tv show.

 

Just sayin'.

 

*wave*

[stickboymusic]

So no one is bothered that the second verse doesnt seem to relate too much to the rest of the song?

 

I have a couple of rhymes to tidy up but you're happy with the rest?!

[LeonardScaper]

I'm not seeing the disconnect.

 

These lyrics transport me into the desperate depths of the human condition as seen by one who may know of a way out There is a definite undercurrent of hopelessness, though, and even a bit of disdain for those who will not heed the warnings.

 

That second verse speaks to that......a conversation wasted perhaps unless the listener can hear it soon.......before the night.....

[stickboymusic]

Well Lenny I am glad that came across.

 

Really I just played along with the drum loop and THAT is what came out (dont ask what goes on in my head)

 

I feel there IS a link BUT the first verse is fairly straight forward and the second takes a bit of thinking.... its a lot more wordplay than the first

 

If you get it then youve got it so ill keep it and run.

 

 

Slightly tidied up version

 

An anthem for our lost generation.

 

Black hearts twist and shake there's nothin you can do

There comes a time when everything's no longer new

And if you're thinking that this songs not wrote for you

Then you'd be wrong....and I'd be blue

 

There goes another conversation to the fire

Way past its use by date , forgotten and expired

I need to hear you say you know what’s happening

But you don't say....anything

 

You don't say anything but love can break your heart

You don't say anything but love can break your heart into Pieces....what gloom

 

There's a howling dog climbing up the spire

I saw a dancing leprechaun inside the fire

And heard a jackal sing a song about the death

Of everyone....now they're gone

 

I am the antichrist I am the shining light

I am the saviour of everything that's right

And if you take the chance I'm sure that you will find

That I'm not black....and I'm not white

 

This is an anthem for our lost generation

This ain't poetry or prose or manuscript

This is a dictionary for the art of conversation

A final chance to pull you from the sh!t

 

Call on me when your days are doomed

Call of me when your life don't bloom

Call on me when you're bored of this frustration

This is anthem for our lost generation

[Lee Knight]

I got to listen and it's not what I expected musically but it's very cool. Very cool. With the brushes loop it takes on a sort of folk-spokesman-riding-the-rails-to-spread-the-warning kind of vibe. That'll be fun to work up further.

 

I like what you've done in the chorus. It doesn't feel 100% successful yet though. I'm talking about the stagger of rhythm in the repeated lyric phrase. It's a wonderful device but I think you might take some more time to iron out a rough patch or two in there. Or not... perhaps it's just a performance thing cause it new and a little challenging just yet to get right. But I love the idea of it and it is well worth polishing.

 

Cool, unique tune.

[stickboymusic]

 

I like what you've done in the chorus. It doesn't feel 100% successful yet though. I'm talking about the stagger of rhythm in the repeated lyric phrase.

 

Which bit specifically.... even "I" am not sure which bit is the chorus! ha!

[stickboymusic]

Couple of extra tweaks.

 

An anthem for our lost generation.

 

Black hearts twist and shake there's nothin you can do

There comes a time when everything's no longer new

And if you're thinking that this songs not wrote for you

Then you'd be wrong....and I'd be blue

 

There goes another conversation to the fire

Way past its use by date , forgotten and expired

I need to hear you say you know what’s happening

But you don't know....anything

 

You don't know anything but love can break your heart

You don't know anything but love can break your heart into pieces....what gloom

 

I saw a howling dog climbing up the spire

And saw a dancing leprechaun inside the fire

And heard a jackal sing a song about the death

Of everyone....now they're gone

 

I am the antichrist I am the shining light

I am the saviour of everything that's right

And if you take the chance I'm sure that you will find

That I'm not black....and I'm not white

 

This is an anthem for our lost generation

This ain't poetry or prose or manuscript

This is a dictionary for the art of conversation

A final chance to pull you from the sh!t

 

Call on me when your days are doomed

Call of me when your life don't bloom

Call on me when you're bored of this frustration

This is anthem for our lost generation

[tbry]

For me my ear wanted to hear a change in the delivery in the third line of the verses...you are good with melody and right there the ear wants something different...felt a little repetitive ....jmo

[Lee Knight]

 

Which bit specifically.... even "I" am not sure which bit is the chorus! ha!

 

This bit..

 

You don't know anything but love can break your heart

You don't know anything but love can break your heart into pieces....what gloom

 

​I love what you're doing but the repeat, where the rhythm staggers to a different accent pattern, while really cool, isn't quite right yet. Or not. Not being adamant, only clarifying.

 

[rhino55]

I'm not sure what you're calling verse 2 but howling dogs, leprechauns, jackals, antichrist, and savior bits are my favorite.

[mbfrancis]

OK so you're operating at a crazy high level here, and it's otherwise so charming, so winning, that I have to say the chorus doesn't work for me. It's good, not great, which the rest of the song is. I get what you're doing with delaying the second line, but it's not hitting me in any kind of delightful joyful visceral way, which I think this track should. You state your ironic intentions with the title...the verses build to a wonderful potential ironic sing along, but its kind of flat. Sorry, maybe just me. Again, if the rest wasn't so awesome I'd have shut up.

 

Also I have no idea WTF you're singing about, but that's cool, doesn't matter to much in this.

[stickboymusic]

OK so you're operating at a crazy high level here, and it's otherwise so charming, so winning, that I have to say the chorus doesn't work for me. It's good, not great, which the rest of the song is. I get what you're doing with delaying the second line, but it's not hitting me in any kind of delightful joyful visceral way, which I think this track should. You state your ironic intentions with the title...the verses build to a wonderful potential ironic sing along, but its kind of flat. Sorry, maybe just me. Again, if the rest wasn't so awesome I'd have shut up.

 

Also I have no idea WTF you're singing about, but that's cool, doesn't matter to much in this.

 

Ok cool - well you are the second person to flag this

 

I think lee was alluding to not having a full grip of the melody - which is fine as it was a first live pass

 

Do you think it needs a look at melody wise AND lyrically?

[stickboymusic]

Ok here is an EVEN ROUGHER PHONE DEMO with the altered lyrics.

 

http://picosong.com/fzEx/

 

My issue with the "chorus" as we are calling it is that it isnt really a chorus.... the only chorus is as the end of the song and i dont want that early chorus thing to over shadow

 

That said if you all think it needs work then do say

[bee3]

Cool and imaginiative. I do think you could be more aggressive in the delivery of this line. Think Johnny Rotten.

 

I am the antichrist I am the shining light

I am the saviour of everything that's right

And if you take the chance I'm sure that you will find

That I'm not black....and I'm not white

[stickboymusic]

Cool and imaginiative. I do think you could be more aggressive in the delivery of this line. Think Johnny Rotten.

 

I am the antichrist I am the shining light

I am the saviour of everything that's right

And if you take the chance I'm sure that you will find

That I'm not black....and I'm not white

 

Yeh of course - the vocal delivery is not at all there on these demos

[Lee Knight]

It always feels pretty silly giving input to a guy that manages to make a track come out as a piece of art. So... I have no doubt you'll make this work on your own terms anyway. But... I think that

 

"You don't say anything but love can break your heart" sure feels like a chorus to me. You mention not wanting it to overshadow. There is probably some very sound wisdom for that idea but I can't help but wonder why. It says so much in juxtaposition to the body of lyrics throughout.

 

And if it were me and it isn't but if it were...

 

I'd take the staggered rhythm idea of the "chorus", a really cool and engaging idea, and play with that rhythm to make it catchy sing along yet tricky. Like so:

 

Sing the first line as is:

 

 

"You don't say anything but love can break your heart"

 

But the repeat continue on with the exact same rhythm as "love can break your heart" without a break. So starting at the top:

 

You don't say anything but...

 

love... can... break.. your... heart... you... don't... say... an-... y-... thing.... but... love (then carry on with your current end of phrase two.

 

And then I would use that chorus again later on in the song and at the end. Now go ahead and do something way better and make your song great like you always do.

 

 

[mbfrancis]

I think it's a chorus and needs to be punched up accordingly. The ending is a coda to me.

[LCK]

Great, amazing stuff.

 

One line struck me as awkward in terms of prosody:

 

I saw a dancing leprechaun inside the fire

 

How about:

 

I saw a leprechaun who danced inside the fire... ?

[stickboymusic]

I thought you may pick up on that. And I have tried alternate ways of doing it but for some reason the way I have it just seems to fit the song/vibe It's kind of off but the correct way feels ordinary

[stickboymusic]

Ok I did a version with the "chorus" (you dont know anything....") appearing again after V2 but decided im going to keep it as per the demo.... I dunno it just felt wierd going from "antichrist ect" back into the chorus.... i guess its an odd structure really but I hope its quirky so probably going to run with it.

 

Here is where i am up to.... still just drums (but with more fills) , bass, guitar and scratch vox at the moment.

 

http://picosong.com/fHb6/

 

I am hoping that adding some more musical interest will sort it and a harmonica solo in middle (why did i record it in Dsharp!!??)

 

Will probably have a better pass at vox once its coming together a little more.... i want to keep it a little lo-fi too so its not going to have the shiny production that i usually go for.

 

Do people still think i should be repeating that chorus!?