Inertia

[thehundredthone]

It's been a while since I've had time to record. So long the forum software's changed two or three times already haha. Do let me know what you guys think.

 

http://www.reverbnation.com/thehundr...144661-inertia

 

Inertia

 

Again, a fork in the road

The leaves wait and whisper

This earth has seen the footsteps from before

And wind took them as it kissed her

 

We're mindful of direction

Time's the weight we bear

We're minds full of direction

But is time waiting there

 

Inertia is ours.

 

When did we learn to fear the hurt we own

Did they make our bones with sticks and stones

We sing the songs we're told

Waiting for the ball to roll

 

Inertia, it scars.

 

We strive to poise, we poise to strike

The perfect balance, the knife's edge is silent

We are unmoved, so far removed

From the motion that gives life

 

To the earth, the stars

To words, our hearts.

[oldgitplayer]

Yeh - nice. You sing and play well for a start.

The lyric is in the category of mood, suggest and hint. I like songs like this as well as songs where the lyric is obvious.

You may be criticised for too much 'tell' and not enough 'show' because thems the 'rules'.

I don't necessarily agree with that - it depends on the essence of the song.

 

[Lee Knight]

I like it as well. I love the line 'inertia is ours'. I'd like to see that highlighted subtly. If it were me I'd change the guitar pattern on that line and just proceeding it. Nothing huge but just something to bump the ear and bring to your attention that something pinnacle is happening. It could even be subtractive. And further I would try to make subtle variations in the guitar part all throughout that verse pattern. Maybe play barely less on your repeats, your two and four repeats of the pattern. It's like driving in the car down the road. Yes, there is a cyclical and repetitive nature to driving but what makes it interesting are the variations in pattern. Little bumps in the road, lane changes, vista changes. And while I love your guitar playing and tone, I might dial back the brightness a tad to fit more in line with what I hear being put out today in this genre. Excellent vocal tone and delivery by the way. Nice work, very, very cool.

[stickboymusic]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOxE7IRizjIREALLY nice this....very much my thing

 

I assume you knows "kings of convenience"?

 

Well if not you have a lot of their vibe.... they use harmony a lot in verses though and id maybe suggest you try adding a little more of that?

 

That long solo I REALLY hear a muted trumpet... i know not everyone can get access to one though!

 

Kings for ref

 

 

[bee3]

Hey there, welcome to the forum. Great first showing here...

 

Agree with Lee on some of his suggestions, particularly varying the guitar. I'd vary the vocal melody as well. It sits in the same range the entire time and I think it's really begging for a rise/change somewhere... maybe the last line of each stanza.

[LCK]

It's been a while since I've had time to record. So long the forum software's changed two or three times already haha. Do let me know what you guys think.

 

http://www.reverbnation.com/thehundr...144661-inertia

 

Inertia

 

Again, a fork in the road

The leaves wait and whisper

This earth has seen the footsteps from before

And wind took them as it kissed her

 

We're mindful of direction

Time's the weight we bear

We're minds full of direction

But is time waiting there

 

Inertia is ours.

 

When did we learn to fear the hurt we own

Did they make our bones with sticks and stones

We sing the songs we're told

Waiting for the rock to roll

 

Inertia, it scars.

 

We strive to poise, we poise to strike

The perfect balance, the knife's edge is silent

We are unmoved, so far removed

From the motion that gives life

 

To the earth, the stars

To words, our hearts.

 

Nice. There were only a few spots that I felt could use a bit of improvement. They're in bold.

 

The opening verse is so good it's criminal (except for the third line, which isn't quite as good as the rest).

 

The second verse doesn't quite live up to the promise of the first. The first is immediate, visceral, you feel it. When you bring "minds" into the equation it becomes cerebral instead.

 

I think you should try singing the title as in-er-sha, not in-er-shee-ah. I don't know, I think the actual pronunciation of the word is much stronger.

 

Anyway, those are my thoughts and feelings on it.

 

Very nicely done, though, for the most part

[thehundredthone]

Thank you all for listening, and thanks for the appreciation! I recorded this shortly before I left my country (and all my equipment) so it will be a few months before I can re-track anything, unfortunately. I am on board with most of your suggestions though, and I'd like to address each of your critical comments. This was also done using a $50 (but rock solid reliable) guitar so I struggled with the tone a little.

 

You may be criticised for too much 'tell' and not enough 'show' because thems the 'rules'.

I don't necessarily agree with that - it depends on the essence of the song.

 

I'm glad you liked it. What do you mean by too much tell and not enough show?

 

I like it as well. I love the line 'inertia is ours'. I'd like to see that highlighted subtly... And further I would try to make subtle variations in the guitar part all throughout that verse pattern... And while I love your guitar playing and tone, I might dial back the brightness a tad to fit more in line with what I hear being put out today in this genre. Excellent vocal tone and delivery by the way. Nice work, very, very cool.

 

The pause in the guitar was actually meant to do something along the lines of what you've said. I completely agree on the need for variations. When I play it live I do vary the pattern a little, and I should reflect that in the real track as well. I do prefer a darker tone myself but I was afraid that my guitar would sound a little dead given its condition.

 

I assume you knows "kings of convenience"?

 

Well if not you have a lot of their vibe.... they use harmony a lot in verses though and id maybe suggest you try adding a little more of that?

 

That long solo I REALLY hear a muted trumpet... i know not everyone can get access to one though!

Of course I do! One of my favourite artists, their songwriting is magical. I do agree that a lot of my solo music is along their lines. I write that way so that my recordings are close to what I perform live. Do you mean to say add harmonies right from the first verse? There are verse harmonies starting from the second verse. I tend to be a little sparse with them so that the song doesn't become a duet (and require a second person to learn in case I perform it live).

 

 

Hey there, welcome to the forum. Great first showing here...

 

Agree with Lee on some of his suggestions, particularly varying the guitar. I'd vary the vocal melody as well. It sits in the same range the entire time and I think it's really begging for a rise/change somewhere... maybe the last line of each stanza.

I've actually been here a while, joined way back in 2010! But thank you. Each verse has a different melody, although it does sit in the same range the entire time. I haven't yet found a way to work in those changes in my softer songs, but I'll try

 

.

Nice. There were only a few spots that I felt could use a bit of improvement. They're in bold... The second verse doesn't quite live up to the promise of the first... When you bring "minds" into the equation it becomes cerebral instead... I think you should try singing the title as in-er-sha, not in-er-shee-ah.

What would you change about "Is time waiting there"? The second verse was meant to be pitted against the natural in the first verse, along the lines of our being overly cerebral about life. You're absolutely right about the pronunciation of the word, there are some words I pronounce wrong, and this is how I find out haha. So when I sing that line, I guess it will be the 'er' that is lengthened (in-eeerrrr-sha)?

 

Once again, thank you so much for your feedback, it really helps to understand what makes songs work (and not work). It's been a long hiatus from song writing and recording for me, and will go back to being one after I finish mixing a bunch of songs I tracked before I flew out. But I will hopefully be able to put up the rest too. Once I go back I can re-track the parts with some of the advice you guys have given me.

[LCK]

What would you change about "Is time waiting there"? The second verse was meant to be pitted against the natural in the first verse, along the lines of our being overly cerebral about life. You're absolutely right about the pronunciation of the word, there are some words I pronounce wrong, and this is how I find out haha. So when I sing that line, I guess it will be the 'er' that is lengthened (in-eeerrrr-sha)

 

We're mindful of direction

Time's the weight we bear

We're minds full of direction

But is time waiting there

 

The first three lines are great. Even though "time's the weight we bear" has an artsy, cerebral quality to it, it does have some "weight" to it (literally and figuratively).

 

"We're minds full of direction" is a great play on words for the first line. It's both an iteration and a variation. Very cool.

 

The only line that falls a little flat for me is "But is time waiting there." It's very clever in a mental-puzzle, conundrum sort of way. I would just like you to bring things back down to earth a little.

 

Maybe use "bare" as a rhyme for "bear" in the 2nd line, to echo what you've done with "direction." Anything, really, that takes the verse out of a total head space and puts it into a heart or gut space instead.

 

It may seem like a minor thing. And probably is. It's just something I thought could be improved a little, that's all.

[Lee Knight]

That's some great analysis Lee. Impressive.

[thehundredthone]

The only line that falls a little flat for me is "But is time waiting there." It's very clever in a mental-puzzle, conundrum sort of way. I would just like you to bring things back down to earth a little. Maybe use "bare" as a rhyme for "bear" in the 2nd line, to echo what you've done with "direction." Anything, really, that takes the verse out of a total head space and puts it into a heart or gut space instead. It may seem like a minor thing. And probably is. It's just something I thought could be improved a little, that's all.

Thank you for that critique, it makes a lot of sense. Are thinking along the lines of time laying things/us bare? I think that could fit in quite well with the theme.

[LCK]

The line "time lays things bare" is better, it's more active.

[mbfrancis]

This is very nice, some lovely playing and singing – yes, kind of a Kings of Convenience vibe. Very warm.

 

For me I have two problems with the song. First, you are mispronouncing “inertia” to make it go with your melody. I assume this is deliberate. The problem is it’s not 100% clear to the listener that it is deliberate, so many people hearing this will either a) not understand what you’re singing or b) just think you don’t speak English well. Only some will think, ‘oh what clever wordplay.’ It’s very hard to pull this off, and I don’t think you do. No one else has mentioned it so maybe you *have* pulled it off, I could be wrong.

 

The other bigger challenge for me is that the track is too pleasant, too safe. The melody flows the same way the whole time and never really changes rhythm, the guitar never strums or changes up significantly, there are no breakdowns or “up” sections, and musically it never leaves key (except for few notes at the end). Finally there is no real hook or chorus that I can remember, other than the mispronunciation. So for me I’ve listened to the whle thing and can’t remember anything about it. Some of this could be arrangement (like harmonies, percussion). Maybe add a bridge. But I think I’d punch up the chorus.

 

Totally my opinion, feel free to disregard.

 

Hope this helps – thanks for posting.

 

 

 

[thehundredthone]

This is very nice, some lovely playing and singing – yes, kind of a Kings of Convenience vibe. Very warm.

 

For me I have two problems with the song. First, you are mispronouncing “inertia” to make it go with your melody. I assume this is deliberate. The problem is it’s not 100% clear to the listener that it is deliberate, so many people hearing this will either a) not understand what you’re singing or b) just think you don’t speak English well. Only some will think, ‘oh what clever wordplay.’ It’s very hard to pull this off, and I don’t think you do. No one else has mentioned it so maybe you *have* pulled it off, I could be wrong.

Actually I really did think it was okay to pronounce it that way although yes, it stemmed from it fitting with the metre and melody. A couple of people in this thread did mention it so I didn't quite get away with it. If I get a chance to redo the vocals I will pronounce it the right way.

 

The other bigger challenge for me is that the track is too pleasant, too safe. The melody flows the same way the whole time and never really changes rhythm, the guitar never strums or changes up significantly, there are no breakdowns or “up” sections, and musically it never leaves key (except for few notes at the end). Finally there is no real hook or chorus that I can remember, other than the mispronunciation. So for me I’ve listened to the whle thing and can’t remember anything about it. Some of this could be arrangement (like harmonies, percussion). Maybe add a bridge. But I think I’d punch up the chorus.

 

I'm a little conflicted on this one. Sometimes I do feel the track is a little safe and want to add a layer, but a few of my musician friends strongly oppose the idea because they really like the raw sound that goes with the theme of the song. I probably need to just alter my playing style or add some fills to bring some dynamism in.

 

Sorry for the late late response, and thanks for your critique!