Members BenStoller Posted October 21, 2014 Members Share Posted October 21, 2014 Greetings! It's been a while since my last song. I regret to say that my singing hasn't improved much, but here's a new song anyway. St. John's Spireshttps://soundcloud.com/benjaminstoll...johns-spires-3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 21, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 21, 2014 I will listen to this shortly but I had to pause and tell you I think that lyric is fantastic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 21, 2014 Members Share Posted October 21, 2014 Hey I love this, wonderful imagery. And the vibe/tone is consistent all the way through. Only a couple of things off the bat: I think the music turnaround / switch up on the third line of the verse tries too hard, it's too disruptive, and at the end of the verse I don't get either a happy resolution or tension - it falls flat for me. I wish you connected the dots a little better. First, why are you there? Second, tie the 2nd verse in a little better, what's the point there...maybe more explicitly tie in: 'we just die and that's that' or whatever you're saying. Great stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 21, 2014 Members Share Posted October 21, 2014 Only a couple of things off the bat: I think the music turnaround / switch up on the third line of the verse tries too hard, it's too disruptive, and at the end of the verse I don't get either a happy resolution or tension - it falls flat for me. I kinda like the way the third line does that. I think the chorus and the verses sound too much alike. There are also spots where you've got more syllables than beats. I think you need to pare those lines down a bit. They're not working with the flow of the music. This line: "The hard rains battered an old man's shack on the ridge" is particularly awkward. Other than that you've got an interesting lyric and a catchy tune (except for the chorus). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 21, 2014 Members Share Posted October 21, 2014 Cool lyric. Don't be so down on the vocal... it has an endearing quality... it's different, kind of cool. You need to own it to make it work though. Be aggressive and confident with it and you can pull it off. You may want to pull back on some of the long sustained notes, as that is where the vocal is noticably lacking. I think you could switch up the melody a bit in verse 2 otherwise it gets a bit monotonous. Cool tune. Let's hear some more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted October 21, 2014 Members Share Posted October 21, 2014 Great lyric, really well done!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 22, 2014 Members Share Posted October 22, 2014 I like it. Some nice Dead touches in the chord progression. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BenStoller Posted October 24, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 24, 2014 @Lee, Thanks! @MB, Thanks! I'll give those ideas some consideration. @LCK, I re-recorded this line: "The hard rains battered an old man's shack on the ridge." Let me know if that fixed it. @Bee, Thanks! I agree I should pull back on the sustained notes. @tbry, Thanks! @rsadsiv, Good ear! Part of the chord progression was influenced by Black Peter. I've updated the song with a gospel backing during the vocals and some other fixes. See what you think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 24, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 24, 2014 Cool lyric. Don't be so down on the vocal... it has an endearing quality... it's different, kind of cool. You need to own it to make it work though. Be aggressive and confident with it and you can pull it off. You may want to pull back on some of the long sustained notes, as that is where the vocal is noticably lacking. I think you could switch up the melody a bit in verse 2 otherwise it gets a bit monotonous. Cool tune. Let's hear some more! Exactly! I really like your delivery. As Bee mentions, nows the time to play up your vocal strengths, of which there are many, and downplay any weaknesses, of which there are few. Your tone is fantastic. Earthy and cool. Your ability to draw the listener in with your attitude and personality is just great. Sustaining notes is not your strength however. There is no shame in that. Try singing short notes wherever there's a long sustained one. Taste the word in your mouth. Without overtly speaking them, think in terms of rolling off the note so you have a spoken quality to those notes which are now sustained. This will highlight the great lyric. And I agree with the earlier comment about the interval leaps. Instead try singing the same note as the previous notes in place of the leaps. Make it simple, direct, and sincere. You already have all that with those minor exceptions that just take a little bit of self awareness. Small fixes here, I believe, will reap huge rewards. you are a storyteller. Own it. I love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 24, 2014 Members Share Posted October 24, 2014 Exactly! I really like your delivery. As Bee mentions, nows the time to play up your vocal strengths, of which there are many, and downplay any weaknesses, of which there are few. Your tone is fantastic. Earthy and cool. Your ability to draw the listener in with your attitude and personality is just great. Sustaining notes is not your strength however. There is no shame in that. Try singing short notes wherever there's a long sustained one. Taste the word in your mouth. Without overtly speaking them, think in terms of rolling off the note so you have a spoken quality to those notes which are now sustained. This will highlight the great lyric. And I agree with the earlier comment about the interval leaps. Instead try singing the same note as the previous notes in place of the leaps. Make it simple, direct, and sincere. You already have all that with those minor exceptions that just take a little bit of self awareness. Small fixes here, I believe, will reap huge rewards. you are a storyteller. Own it. I love it. That's fantastic advice. Don't apologize for your voice, own it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BenStoller Posted October 24, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 24, 2014 Thanks, Lee and MB. Good advice. I updated the song so the choir doesn't sound like a bunch of pirates. lol! https://soundcloud.com/benjaminstoller/st-johns-spires-3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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