Members stickboymusic Posted October 17, 2014 Members Share Posted October 17, 2014 Hello Had a day off work today so wrote a new full song (at last!!) It may be a bit vague...I'm sure people will say lots of changes needed and of course i willing to look at that. Its just a relief for me as its been 5 months since i've recorded a full song!! Song link https://soundcloud.com/stickboy/leave-me-to-myself-a-new-song Lyrics There was a secrecy pact on the night of the danceBut it all went up in flamesThere were several people taking a stanceJust trying to ruin the game So I left in a hurry through the back alleyTowards the cinema lightIn the safety of silence...away from the violenceSomething still didn't feel right Oh leave me to myself won't youJust leave me to myselfOh leave me to myselfLeave meI don't need anybody else Five hours later stood at the stationThe first sign of morning sunI wont leave no trace...no farewell to this placeMore good riddance, to hell, be gone For I am just a lonesome cowboy leaving on a trainTo some far out place i've not been to beforeProbably won't go back to again Oh leave me to myself wont youJust leave me to myselfOh leave me to myselfLeave meI don't need anybody else Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 17, 2014 Members Share Posted October 17, 2014 I like the song... real violin? It sounds real. But it also sticks out. I think it needs a good dose of trimming... it's distracting as is. The piano entry in the chorus is really nice. Very tasteful. As well as that slide guitar. Beautiful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 17, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 17, 2014 Very cool! I love the lyric and story. I think some phrasing with al-LEY and cinema could be made a little cooler. Easy fix. I'm sure the lyric guys will have lots of great stuff to say but my immediate suggestion is to try and bring a little life to the verse melody. Just a note here and there that isn't a chord tone. To stretch the simple folk form just a little to make those lyrics in the verse pop out at you. The chorus is there. The verse just needs a little added melodic adventure (very little) and some tightening of the phrasing on the words mentioned and possibly others. Cool tune. So, what happened at the dance? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 18, 2014 Members Share Posted October 18, 2014 Very cool! I love the lyric and story. I think some phrasing with al-LEY and cinema could be made a little cooler. Easy fix. I'm sure the lyric guys will have lots of great stuff to say but my immediate suggestion is to try and bring a little life to the verse melody. Just a note here and there that isn't a chord tone. To stretch the simple folk form just a little to make those lyrics in the verse pop out at you. The chorus is there. The verse just needs a little added melodic adventure (very little) and some tightening of the phrasing on the words mentioned and possibly others. Cool tune. So, what happened at the dance? Agreed. I love the chorus. The verses are still a bit unformed. Funny, I didn't mind the awkwardness on "alley." I don't know why. Normally I'd jump on that! Love the fade out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 18, 2014 Members Share Posted October 18, 2014 Good to see you back in the saddle again. The theme was depressing but the song is well conceived and well executed. On the fence about the violin. It's not quite right but it is not entirely wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 19, 2014 Members Share Posted October 19, 2014 For I am just a lonesome cowboy leaving on a train That line stuck out for me......struck me as a bit......cliche. mixwise....those toms were bothering me (listening with my good headphones). I was listening for some harmonies on that last chorus. Now I am just listening through to your other tunes as they keep rolling. Good to hear your voice again. Oh...Right The Wrong is playing now.....very nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 19, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 19, 2014 The cowboy works for me because...irony? Stick does not strike me as the cowboy type, This feels pretty clear. I loved the line in a Walter Mitty way, Stick appears more a lover than a fighter. This is apparent within seconds of hearing his tunes for the first time. Hence... Irony. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 20, 2014 Members Share Posted October 20, 2014 Love this, love the violin. Reminds me a lot of Range Life by Pavement, nice little ramshackle vibe. "Taking a stance" feels forced, I'd rather you did an internal rhyme than forcing an ABAB rhyme. Maybe me, I wish the chorus - esp the first lines - was slightly, um, hookier. It flows nicely, but it doesn't lodge in my head the way I think it should, feels like it should more punctuated in some way. I could be alone on this, Otherwise wonderful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BenStoller Posted October 21, 2014 Members Share Posted October 21, 2014 Nice song. A few suggestions regarding the lyrics... There was a secrecy pact on the night of the dancechange toWe made a secrecy pact... There were several people taking a stancechange toSeveral people were taking a stance... Like a few other people mentioned, "lonesome cowboy" is a bit trite -- especially since it's not a country song.For I am just a lonesome cowboy leaving on a trainMaybe change toI'm just a lonely boy... Otherwise, good job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members greennn01 Posted October 22, 2014 Members Share Posted October 22, 2014 Great work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted November 24, 2014 Author Members Share Posted November 24, 2014 Finally got this one finished (hopefully!) https://soundcloud.com/stickboy/leave-me-to-myself-a-new-song-1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted November 24, 2014 Members Share Posted November 24, 2014 I really dig the song... I really do. I'm still not sure about the violin though. It just doesn't feel necessary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted November 24, 2014 Author Members Share Posted November 24, 2014 I really dig the song... I really do. I'm still not sure about the violin though. It just doesn't feel necessary. I have had many mixed feedback on the violin some say "wow i LOVE the violin" Others say "it's in the way" I dunno..... when I take it out I really miss it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted November 24, 2014 Members Share Posted November 24, 2014 I have had many mixed feedback on the violin some say "wow i LOVE the violin" Others say "it's in the way" I dunno..... when I take it out I really miss it. That's always the way. If you like it... that's what's most important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted November 24, 2014 Members Share Posted November 24, 2014 Hard to criticize any of Sticks work but this appears/sounds a little cluttered...don't know if its the violin or what...yeah, the violin. Over powers the vocals and the song in general....sorry. Your melodic sense is so strong that it leaves this one a little uninspired. You are a tough act to follow...I am not offering much in the way of help, I apologize. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted November 25, 2014 Members Share Posted November 25, 2014 I think the use of the violin is fine and appropriate in this song, but there's something not working properly. But I'm not sure what it is.My hunch is that a skilled fiddle player would provide carefully placed fills and accompaniment to the vocal, but in a better way than has been recorded thus far. There is also a couple of notes that the violin plays that sound wrong in conjunction with the vocal melody.They are probably notes in the scale, but the two melodies are not quite right together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 25, 2014 Members Share Posted November 25, 2014 some say "wow i LOVE the violin" I'm with them... The production is great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members songcat Posted December 1, 2014 Members Share Posted December 1, 2014 Try to take the violin out. I also think it overpowers a little. Just give it a shot and see what's the feedback. Of course you'll miss them because that's how you made the song, but for the neutral listener it might work without them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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