Members mbfrancis Posted October 15, 2014 Members Share Posted October 15, 2014 Wondering if I should dust this off for a re-write. This is an old song and a good example of a decent idea limited by shoddy execution, specifically the verses. Some good lines, I think, strong melody, but the verses let it down – I think I was going for something complex but it fails…while the girlfriend is dismissive, I am mired in self-doubt and self-loathing…so no one’s sympathetic. The question for a re-write is what the tone should be in verses – should it be wounded, fierce, dismissive in turn, 3rd vs. 1st person, etc.? Shooting to write a power pop monster, while still being reasonably smart, if possible. Does the "Choose!" bit at the end work? Is it any good - should I even bother? Any ideas welcome. 'Girlfriend Says' Girlfriend says that the highs don’t feel quite as high as they used to Girlfriend says, ‘you know I could be with anyone that I choose to’ I didn’t have nerve to tell you straight I let you down and don’t expect you to wait Around for me to live up to you Though I hope you do Girlfriend says, ‘oh of everyone why did I have to choose you?’ Girlfriend says, ‘When all’s said and done I won’t cry when I lose you’ Well, you’re a piece of work – whoever sent you here As if these doubts would ever disappear This fear here has consequently Overwhelmed me God I need you more than I dare to say Say you’ll care for me when you’ve been betrayed When every single day turns out the same way And every word you say drives me away Wooooo hoooo Girlfriend says, ‘you’re a big façade posing as my boyfriend’ Girlfriend says, ‘yeah I swear to God I’ll be gone when the joy ends’ Girlfriend says ‘now the highs don’t feel quite as high as they used to’ Girlfriend says, ‘you know I could be with anyone that I choose to ‘you know I could be with anyone that I choose to’ Choose! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 15, 2014 Members Share Posted October 15, 2014 Well, first of all, wow! Really nice, instantly memorable, hooky stuff there in the girlfriend's verses. But yeah, the meaning isn't clear in the other bits. At least not to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 15, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 15, 2014 I love it. Yes, tighten up the verses. It would be cool to show a clearer reaction to the ungrateful witch. Either take a hike or I'm frozen to inaction or... Something clear. And maybe funny or pathetic or strong. But clear about your state and reaction. Your indifference inspires me into inaction. Every time you talk about us, girl I lose my traction. 'Edit' Or not. I love this kinda stuff. Nicely done dude Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 16, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 16, 2014 I love it. Yes, tighten up the verses. It would be cool to show a clearer reaction to the ungrateful witch. Either take a hike or I'm frozen to inaction or... Something clear. And maybe funny or pathetic or strong. But clear about your state and reaction. Your indifference inspires me into inaction. Every time you talk about us, girl I lose my traction. My stuff clearly you. Or not. I love this kinda stuff. Nicely done dude Yes, "a clearer reaction." I like the "frozen to inaction," that's good...or *something* that would explain why I would be going out with this person. "But clear about your state and reaction." Yes, yes, just what I needed - thanks, Lee. Thanks Lees...Still wondering if the "Choose!" bit works, hmmm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 16, 2014 Members Share Posted October 16, 2014 I love it. Yes, tighten up the verses. It would be cool to show a clearer reaction to the ungrateful witch. Either take a hike or I'm frozen to inaction or... Something clear. And maybe funny or pathetic or strong. But clear about your state and reaction. Your indifference inspires me into inaction. Every time you talk about us, girl I lose my traction. My stuff clearly you. Or not. I love this kinda stuff. Nicely done dude Yeah! The guy's verses are too vanilla, too nondescript. She has to be buggin' the sh!t out of him. Her voice jumps off the page, so to speak. His fades into the wallpaper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 16, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 16, 2014 Yeah! The guy's verses are too vanilla, too nondescript. She has to be buggin' the sh!t out of him. Her voice jumps off the page, so to speak. His fades into the wallpaper. Let me know if you guys have any ideas where this should go directionally. I've already thought of a few and discarded them. Maybe he's packing up to leave the whole time, or maybe the sex is really really good (discarded that), or you find out she just talks that way but they're really in love...they're things she says to get a rise. Any help appreciated - once I nail that it should write itself I hope! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 16, 2014 Members Share Posted October 16, 2014 +1 on Lee and Lee's comments. As noted, the girlfriend verses are all keepers. I think his verses are ok - I think punching up the bridge lyric should be the first priority. What you've got now is very strong already: nice melodic ideas, vocal phrasing that pushes the rhythm, and I love the guitar solo. re: direction. How about pulling the camera back and showing that it is the same guy on a first date with another woman, falling into the trap of wasting the opportunity by talking too much about the ex-girlfriend that he isn't quite over yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 16, 2014 Members Share Posted October 16, 2014 ...they're things she says to get a rise. That's a very cool idea. Far, far away from run-of-the-mill... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 16, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 16, 2014 That's a very cool idea. Far, far away from run-of-the-mill... OK....but how to develop over three verses...hmmm.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 17, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 17, 2014 Still wondering if the "Choose!" bit works, hmmm. I think it does if you write a song about him choosing. But that's not really the song yet. And it may never be. I'd get it out of your mind and explore your options. Then... tap into it if it feels like the direction you're really wanting to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members greennn01 Posted October 22, 2014 Members Share Posted October 22, 2014 Hmm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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