Members Oswlek Posted October 9, 2014 Members Share Posted October 9, 2014 I was thinking about what this is about and I think I nailed on it. Have you ever seen "The Lost Boys"? Yes, the vampire thing is overdone, but I'm talking specifically about the relationship between the Michael (the older brother who turns into a vampire) and Star (Jamie Gertz). She is both alluring and aloof, drawing him into a darkness that is also the most alive he's ever felt. And similarly, she is interested in him despite playing it nonchalant. Just overlook the fear she feels for herself and for him and you've got a solid approximation. So, here is the new demo. http://www.reverbnation.com/justinos...ws-1-version-2 V1 She said you think you're on to me That you've figured out my game But I'm not ploying and I'm not toying with you I just want you to stay You think your're drawn to me, she said Like a moth to a flame But I'm nobody's light and you're nobody's victim too We're one and the same Yes we are... C Shadows XXXXXXXX Shadow oh oh oh Shadows, come on {Urging on statement} Shadow..... V2 What does that even mean, I asked Wouldn't that make us need the sun even more Cuz you can't have the dark without any light or so That's what I'm told Silly boy, you silly boy Do you believe every word they say No we shadows don't scatter into the night Oh that's when we come out and play Yes we are... C Shadows XXXXXXXX Shadow oh oh oh Shadows, come on {Urging on statement} Shadow..... B {Nothing yet, but it'll be him surrendering to her in some manner - in three lines or less } http://www.reverbnation.com/justinos...ws-1-version-2 So, is this working better? Any lyric issues? I'm hoping for something better than the red line in V1 because that makes her a little too needy. I wan't to be more like, "come along if you want" or something to that effect. If this one isn't working, I'd gladly pass along the lyric to anyone who is interested in using it. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 10, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 10, 2014 Nothing? Hey, I know you're sick of this, but think about how I feel. I'm the one who has to keep rewriting this damn thing! So, am I finally on the right track? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 10, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 10, 2014 Yes. You really have something here. I'm not sold on the V2 1st half. Playing around with it... What does that even meanDon't shadows need the sun even moreWithout any light to be hiding fromAren't we just darkness to the core? ShadowsAt home in the darkShadow oh oh oh Shadows, feel theElectricity spark (arc)Shadow..... Or not. You're on your way. I'm not suggesting what I've offered is anything other than a passing thought. I love the chords and melody in the sections where you have it solid and sussed, which is most of it. Your melody feels a little meandering at the prechorus point. I'd try to bring a sense of pre-resolve. A dominant feel there. But it's really good. Tighten it up and you're there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 10, 2014 Members Share Posted October 10, 2014 I'm not a fan of multiple threads for the same song, to the point that I when I pop in, if that's what I see, I'm less likely to stick around the board as a whole. I've expressed this before and I don't think I'm the only one, but then again, maybe I am. I can only speak for me, but I'd be more likely to comment if it were all in the same thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 10, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 10, 2014 Thanks, Lee. You are right that I haven't solidified the melody on the two last chords heading into the chorus (or even when it circles back to the verse). I can't quite make your verse suggestion work in my head as is, but I like it and will see if I can adjust the delivery or the stanza to fit. Ryan, my apologies, but I've been told numerous times that once a song is several version in, it is nearly impossible to review it in the original thread. This one is now on it's third lyric draft and second melody. I'm not spamming, I'm making it easier on members to provide useful feedback. That's also why I changed the title of the other one, to ensure no one wastes their time rummaging through. I'm not thrilled that it means I've lost your feedback, but I'm convinced it was the right course of action. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 12, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 12, 2014 I can't quite make your verse suggestion work in my head as is, but I like it and will see if I can adjust the delivery or the stanza to fit. Yeah... Definitely not intended as is. Just a thought to simulate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted October 12, 2014 Members Share Posted October 12, 2014 I thought you had the chorus close to being sussed out...now I see you are conflicted...Since you have changed the overall meaning to the lyric I can see why this might have happened. ShadowsXXXXXXXX ( The night is where they really live)Shadow oh oh oh ( You see them with dead eyes) Shadows (The living light is forbid){Urging on statement}Shadow.....The darkness has its own light Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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