Members Oswlek Posted October 2, 2014 Members Share Posted October 2, 2014 I'm reading "Wool" by Hugh Hoey - pretty good book, particularly if you are a Sci Fy fan, which I'm not usually - and I came across a great line about the transience of life using a powerful shadow metaphor. I ended up pilfering a chorus idea right then and there, but was piqued enough by the word itself that I grabbed my guitar and ran through a new melody that hadn't sparked any words yet. I think I caught something and am going to use this thread to bring it to life. I call it shadows #1 because there are two separate ideas with the same title. The other one borrows more directly from the quote, so I won't post Hoey's line yet. I'll wait to do that once I get to the more pertinent thread. Still very early, but this is it so far. My daughter (who has good enough taste to love Martin's work) thinks it is one of the cool chorus melodies I've written. We'll see soon enough. The stuff in the {} signifies what I'm thinking the next verse should say. The chorus is somewhat vague, but I'm hoping it works in a "Don't Take My Car Out Tonight" by the Hooters' kind of way. That it, along with the melody, is enough exposition to explain what she meant in V1. However you want to interact is fine with me. Toss out ideas, critique those that are there, whatever. Thanks for any and all feedback. V1 I said, "Babe I'm on to you. I figured out your game Why you're always where my mind goes" She said, "You don't have a clue We're one and the same Yes, you and I are shadows V2 {WTF does that even mean? And why does it make so much sense?} You and I are.... C Shadows... We're born and then we'll die as Shadows... Shadows... We burn up in the light Shadows V3 {Is that why I've never felt quite right with who I was?} You and I are... C Shadows... We're born and then we'll die as Shadows... Shadows... We burn up in the light Shadows B {Full engagement, surrendering to her} C Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 2, 2014 Members Share Posted October 2, 2014 However you want to interact is fine with me. Toss out ideas, critique those that are there, whatever. Thanks for any and all feedback. V1 I said, "Babe I'm on to you. I figured out your game Why you're always where my mind goes" She said, "You don't have a clue We're one and the same Yes, you and I are shadows ] Interesting. My question is, whose shadows are the two of you? In other words, a shadow is made by light shining on an object, thing or person. So every shadow is connected to something sitting or standing in the light. Just a random observation. (Or is it...?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted October 2, 2014 Members Share Posted October 2, 2014 I really like this idea...how many things you work on at a time? Shadows...We're born and then we'll die asShadows...Shadows...We burn (Turn) up in the lightShadows Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 2, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 2, 2014 Thanks Lee, I'll toss that into the pile and see if anything shakes out. TB: Glad you think it is a sound idea. Yeah, my threads are dominating at this point, but the other songs are pretty much worked up until I get my studio up and running. I actually haven't had any overlap with these projects. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 3, 2014 Members Share Posted October 3, 2014 I think the shadow conceit is working fine. 'Shadow' has been used figuratively in many literary forms in the past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted October 3, 2014 Members Share Posted October 3, 2014 TB: Glad you think it is a sound idea. I was kinda thinking like LCK... Shadows... We're born and then we'll die as Shadows... Shadows turn up in the light They fall away in the night Shadows Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 3, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 3, 2014 OK, your comments spurred an idea, best illustrated with this conversation between him and her. "Why do you drive me so wild?" "Because you and I are shadows." "What does that even mean? And if so, doesn't that mean we need that light even more? That we wouldn't exist without it?" "Silly boy. Darkness isn't the absence of shadow, it's all shadows. That's our playground." "You are so hot." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 3, 2014 Members Share Posted October 3, 2014 If you like Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book, is a pretty good read. It's written as a children's book. This sounds like it could be a line of dialogue from it. "Silly boy. Darkness isn't the absence of shadow, it's all shadows. That's our playground." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2014 Cool. And... you should pilfer your riffing below. The tone and dialog is groovy. OK' date=' your comments spurred an idea, best illustrated with this conversation between him and her. "Why do you drive me so wild?" "Because you and I are shadows." "What does that even mean? And if so, doesn't that mean we need that light even more? That we wouldn't exist without it?" "Silly boy. Darkness isn't the absence of shadow, it's [i']all[/i] shadows. That's our playground." "You are so hot." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2014 Ever heard the 80's Robbie Robertson tune Somewhere Down the Crazy River? This lyric is evoking that sort of mood for me. Paraphrasing the last verse ...so I said, "no. It's fine, I like it". And she smiled and said, "sure, you like it now. But you'll learn to love it." Check out the tune for a very cool benchmark. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 4, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2014 Thanks, Lee. That's a fabulous comparable, the funny thing is I'd already veered in a similar vocal approach, spoken-ish verses and a more emphatic chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 4, 2014 Members Share Posted October 4, 2014 I think this song may have been influenced by Leonard Cohen's, "Suzanne." Yeah, I can see it nowThe distant red neon shivered in the heatI was feeling like a stranger in a strange landYou know where people play games with the nightGod, it was too hot to sleep I followed the sound of a jukebox coming from a leveeAll of a sudden I could hear somebody whistling from right behind meI turned around and she said"Why do you always end up down at Nick's Cafe?"I said, "I don't know, the wind just kind of pushed me this way"She said, "Hang the rich" Catch the blue trainTo places never been beforeLook for meSomewhere down the crazy river(Somewhere down the crazy river)Catch the blue trainAll the way to KokomoYou can find meSomewhere down the crazy river(Somewhere down the crazy river) Take a picture of thisThe fields are empty, abandoned '59 ChevyLaying in the back seat listening to Little Willie JohnYeah, that's when time stood stillYou know, I think I'm gonna go down to Madam XAnd let her read my mindShe said, "That voodoo stuff don't do nothing for me" I'm a man with a clear destinationI'm a man with a broad imaginationYou fog the mind, you stir the soulI can't find, no control Catch the blue trainTo places never been beforeLook for meSomewhere down the crazy river(Somewhere down the crazy river)Catch the blue trainAll the way to KokomoYou can find meSomewhere down the crazy river(Somewhere down the crazy river) Wait, did you hear thatOh, this is sure stirring up some ghosts for meShe said, "There's one thing you've got to learnIs not to be afraid of it"I said, "No, I like it, I like it, it's good"She said, "You like it nowBut you'll learn to love it later" I been spellbound falling in trancesI been spellbound falling in trancesYou give me shivers, chills and feverYou give me shiversYou give me shiversI been spellbound, I been spellboundI been spellbound somewhere down the crazy riverSomewhere down the crazy river Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 5, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 5, 2014 Some more sketching V1I'm on to youWhy I'm drawn to you, babeShe said, "this oughta be good" Your my beacon, you're my starWhen I've been groping in the darkXXXXX "You're the cutest little clicheBut I'm not the light and neither are youWe are the shadows" CShadows...We're born and then we'll die asShadows...Shadows...We burn up in the lightShadows V2What does that mean?And wouldn't that make us need the sun even more?"Silly boy" We don't scatter into the nightThat's when we come out and play CShadows...We're born and then we'll die asShadows...Shadows...We burn up in the lightShadows Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 5, 2014 Members Share Posted October 5, 2014 I love this. 1) Tell your daughter she has awesome taste, ha.2) I'm not sure I'd add anything to what's already been said. There are tremendous opportunities to make this as deep and heavy and/or sexy/menacing as you want. I like the idea of her leading him slowly into the dark. I like the idea of something bigger going on figuratively + metaphysically, although that's not very sexy. (If you hadn't already declared on the existence of God, I'd say there's some fertile theological ground to plow as well.)3) I loved the 'figured out your game' / 'one and the same' rhyme, if you can keep it somewhere. Where's the demo? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 6, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 6, 2014 Bump to get it to top of page 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 6, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 6, 2014 That wasn't very boss of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 6, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 6, 2014 Ha! I misunderstood. I thought you were saying to get to the top of the forum list over mine. I thought that was pretty funny. But you weren't saying that. So... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 6, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 6, 2014 I love this. 1) Tell your daughter she has awesome taste, ha. 2) I'm not sure I'd add anything to what's already been said. There are tremendous opportunities to make this as deep and heavy and/or sexy/menacing as you want. I like the idea of her leading him slowly into the dark. I like the idea of something bigger going on figuratively + metaphysically, although that's not very sexy. (If you hadn't already declared on the existence of God, I'd say there's some fertile theological ground to plow as well.) 3) I loved the 'figured out your game' / 'one and the same' rhyme, if you can keep it somewhere. Where's the demo? 1) She knows. 2) I'm all for it, but may need some help. 3) I'll try, but I think "on to you/drawn to you... this oughta be good" gets what I want across better. As for a demo, here is a very early snippet, just through the first chorus to give an idea of delivery and layout. I'm wholly unsure about the transition to the chorus or whether the chorus even works with the verse. My intention is for it to sound a lot smoother in a produced setting, bass/drums providing the groove the guitar has to here, with little licks and fills. Here is the lyric I intended to sing. V1 I'm on to you Why I'm drawn to you, babe She said, "this oughta be good" Your my beacon, you're my star After a lifetime spent groping in the dark "Well aren't you the cutest little cliche But I'm nobody's light, nobody's light We're the shade" C Shadows... We burn up in the light Shadows... Shadows... We're born and then we'll die as Shadows So, the issues I have are: 1) While "shade" sings well, it doesn't carry the weight that "shadows" does. Does the chorus' immediate arrival alleviate that somewhat? 2) Mortality was an important concept in the book quote I stole, but it feels out of place here. I think something that illuminates what it means to be a shadow, what a shadow does or how it is different would improve the chorus. Suggestions are welcomed. Lay it on me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 6, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 6, 2014 Is shade and cliché a need to rhyme? the "a" sound? In other words, you're not using shadows cause of the lack of rhyme? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 6, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 6, 2014 no phrasing but an idea of intent, that she might say in answer to her being the light, "That glow you see is me blocking out the sun" and shouldn't you say, "She said" before you switch who's talking? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 6, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 6, 2014 Thanks for the response, Lee. I'm not overly concerned with rhyme, but it was nice that shade/cliche paired up. I thought about just replacing it with "shadows" but a two syllable word doesn't sit right with what I'm doing melodically. Of course, I'm not sold at all on what I'm doing so I that might be adaptable around a better lyric. Was the implied statement in your question that "shade" isn't working? Or was that just a reaction to my concern? And do you think I have more time to get to the chorus? That was another concern, whether V1 is dragging. If not, I'd certainly be open to stretching that out, maybe with a pre-chorus if I can find one. Re: She said, I do that for the most part, except prior to the "cliche" line, which I thought made it pretty clear who was speaking. Do you think it needs to be said? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 6, 2014 Members Share Posted October 6, 2014 Shade has a different connotation entirely. I don't think it works. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 6, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 6, 2014 Thanks, Ryan. I agree. I may have to put this one down for a while. I'm just not finding a way to marry the verse idea and chorus. I'd prefer to keep the chorus as it was what inspired this path, but at this point it is all up in the air. Maybe coming into the lyric with no musical attachment is what I need to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 6, 2014 Members Share Posted October 6, 2014 I work for a few hours, come back, and the thing's already been thoroughly hashed over and now discarded. Wow this board moves fast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 6, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 6, 2014 Ha! If you see any table scraps that might make delicious morsels in another stew, I'd love to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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