Moving To The Edge

[kevysc]

I recorded this track a few years ago on a 12 string guitar and just came across it again recently. The quality of the recording is pretty basic, so I am thinking about re-recording. Would welcome feedback ....

 

 

 

Moving To The Edge

 

I've nothing to say to you

You've nothing to say to me

I feel so out of place

I fall on my face

This tension's like a wedge

I'm moving to the edge

 

I'm out of control again

I've lost all my soul again

And who can take your place?

I fall on my face

I've nothing to pledge

I'm moving to the edge

 

You said you needed someone to comfort you

Well if he did I hope it was worth all the pain

 

You're so {censored}ing dignified

I'm swimming against the tide

With such amazing grace

I fall on my face

You wear it like a badge

I'm moving to the edge

 

You said you needed someone to comfort you

Well if he did I hope it was worth all the pain

[Lee Knight]

Hey! What's up?!

 

I haven't listened yet because I want to discuss your lyric first. The tune may be fantastic but I want to isolate your lyric for a phase 1 here and see if we can help you turn it into something special. Right now, it shows a lot of promise in a few different departments. You got nice flow and cadence, a nice sense of rhythmic balance without being boring and symmetrical. It's balanced rhythmically but not boring. Nice. And... you know how to rhyme. Seriously... you've got bulk of it to my eyes and ears.

 

But I would take each line and try to make sure it is saying what you really want to say... in a new way.

 

There are 3 key points I'm making in the statement above.

 

"...make sure it is saying what you really want to say..."

 

Refine in your mind and on paper what you're saying. Right now, you've lost your soul and she's a bitch I guess. That's fine. "I feel so out of place".

 

So... what is it you're saying here. Here's an idea. Write down a synopsis. Post it here if you're brave.

 

My chick left me because she thinks I'm a loser and now I'm starting to use again and maybe I am a loser. What a bitch she is.

 

She digs another guy and he's a dick! No appreciation for my awesomeness. What a bitch.

 

Refine what it is you're trying to say. Then... make sure every line says that. Supports your synopsis. Right now it feels more you have a series of over used phrases strung together. That in itself actually shows you have the skill to do as I'm suggesting. But you need, in my opinion, to take it further. Home in on your synopsis and concept. Then take each line that comes to you and twist it just a little so it is being said for the first time instead of taken from overused patterns of speech.

 

The amazing grace line is very clever. You've got some sarcasm there that pops. With such amazing grace, I fall on my face. That's clever. more of that. But look at "I fall on my face". Fall FLAT on my Face? A little more alliteration to make it pop? Wipe mud from my face? Now there's a picture we can imagine. Look closer at each line. Small changes can have HUGE impact. And make sure it sings well to your music. RHYTHMICALLY.

 

The 3rd point, "...in a new way".

 

Taking stock phrases works, but only if you change them to a degree. The familiarity of a cliché is comforting. And annoying too. So, by twisting the phrase slightly, turn it backwards, upsidedown, anything to change it, is a great way to say what you want to say in a new way.

 

Just some ideas to spark your thoughts and start a discussion. I hope you don't mind.

[Lee Knight]

Oh... and I like

 

This tension's like a wedge

I'm moving to the edge

 

Did you consider

 

This tension's like a wedge

PUSHING me to the edge.

 

That connects the two phrases. And... is it really "tension"? Is there a better word that really captures what you're trying to say? And have you really figured out... what you're try to say?

 

 

[rhino55]

This is a great start. LK those are some great suggestions. I think if that advise is followed you'll have a lyric that shows the listener what's happening instead of telling them, and it'll be stronger for it.

[mbfrancis]

This tension's like a wedge

PUSHING me to the edge.

 

Boom - I had the same idea!

 

Lee your other comments are spot on as well.

 

Also, what *is* 'the edge' anyway? Are you going to kill yourself? Kill her? Get drunk? Go to law school? Why should she or we care if you are 'moving to edge'? What are the stakes here? You don't have to define it in the chorus, but give some details in the song about what this is actually doing to you.

[kevysc]

 

 

 

Also, what *is* 'the edge' anyway? Are you going to kill yourself? Kill her? Get drunk? Go to law school? Why should she or we care if you are 'moving to edge'? What are the stakes here? You don't have to define it in the chorus, but give some details in the song about what this is actually doing to you.

 

"Moving to the Edge" has multiple meanings. On the one hand, the singer says he is moving to the edge meaning threatening to break up the relationship. On another hand, it is clear that that he has already been moved to the edge of the relationship, since to the listener, it is clear that he has already been moved to that edge: she clearly doesn't care much about him! (However, the singer doesn't realise that.)

 

It could also be a threat to kill himself or it could mean that he is close to some kind of breaking point. These multiple possibilities are designed to add to the richness of the lyric.

 

I deliberately set it up that he thinks he is the one doing the moving, but actually, he is clearly not in control of the situation. The listener is aware of this, but the singer is not.

 

 

 

 

[Oswlek]

Cool chords and there is definitely something that works with the melody.

 

I used to fall into the leave it unclear and open to many interpretation for added richness trap as well. The truth is that it rarely works. For the most part you just end up with a vague collection of odd images and cliches that don't impact the listener very much. In a paradoxical way, a more specific story ends up applicable for more listeners.

 

The last two sentences are about your use of "moving" instead of a more visceral verb, right? Because I think it is a great idea, but it isn't coming across to me at all (as a listener). It just ends up sounding like a weak description of what is happening. It is good to know there is a reason behind that decision, though.

 

Lastly, I'm not sure about "I fall on my face." It doesn't feel like it matches the syntax of the rest of the song. At first glance it appears to be present tense, but if you were really falling on your face you would say, "I'm falling on my face." The only time you would say "I fall" is in past tense. As in, "every time X happens, I fall right on my face."

 

You've got the bones of a good song, but I think the lyric isn't quite doing what you want it to do. At least it didn't for me.

[mbfrancis]

Cool chords and there is definitely something that works with the melody.

 

I used to fall into the leave it unclear and open to many interpretation for added richness trap as well. The truth is that it rarely works. For the most part you just end up with a vague collection of odd images and cliches that don't impact the listener very much. In a paradoxical way, a more specific story ends up applicable for more listeners.

 

The last two sentences are about your use of "moving" instead of a more visceral verb, right? Because I think it is a great idea, but it isn't coming across to me at all (as a listener). It just ends up sounding like a weak description of what is happening. It is good to know there is a reason behind that decision, though.

 

Lastly, I'm not sure about "I fall on my face." It doesn't feel like it matches the syntax of the rest of the song. At first glance it appears to be present tense, but if you were really falling on your face you would say, "I'm falling on my face." The only time you would say "I fall" is in past tense. As in, "every time X happens, I fall right on my face."

 

You've got the bones of a good song, but I think the lyric isn't quite doing what you want it to do. At least it didn't for me.

 

 

This ^^^

 

There's not enough detail about "moving to the edge" - a vague cliche - for me to be invested in what is happening to the characters. As I said, there are no stakes. Currently the lyrics aren't saying anything unique or saying them in a unique way. My $.02.