Members Oswlek Posted September 17, 2014 Members Share Posted September 17, 2014 Edit again: New lyric idea at top of page three EDIT: I had an entirely different concept in mind when I wrote this - more distorted synth and heavy bass - but I got some feedback on MM that I think would strengthen an acoustic style and decided to implement a few. The primary changes are breaking up the guitar and vocals in the verse and substituting a new chord under "over" in the chorus. I also slowed it down a little to provide more vocal space and bust out my sexy side (), as well as touching up the melody/lyric here and there. Is this an improvement? Anything still not working? Leek, this is on soundcloud so you should be good to go. Till the Music is Through - camera demo3 V1 I've given you all the signs But I'm still in the dark I think about all those times I felt the spark PC And I don't think it was just me Let's try this thing, see what we see C Can I come over Spin a record or two We'll dance together Till the music is through V2 We can take it nice and slow With some R&B Or turn on some disco Really move our feet PC2 Either way let's keep it on repeat The greatest hits of you and me C Can I come over Spin a record or two We'll dance together....... Can I come over Spend an evening with you We can dance and dance and dance.... Till the music is through ------------------------------------------ I thought is was appropriate to reboot this one now that I had time to record a demo. Please excuse the excessive background noise, the camcorder was stolen and the remaining cheap camera isn't really designed for audio. Ryan, my mouth refuses to substitute "we'll" for "and". I'll see what I can do when I'm just singing a take and not playing as well. Thanks! http://picosong.com/9JdQ/ V1 I've given you all the signs But I'm still in the dark I think about all those times I felt the spark PC And I don't think it was just me Let's try this thing, see what we see C Can I come over Spin a record or two And dance together Till the music is through V2 We can take it nice and slow With some R&B Or try some disco Really move our feet PC2 Either way let's keep it on repeat The greatest hits of you and me C Can I come over Spin a record or two And dance together....... Can I come over For an evening or two We can turn the record over Till the music is through Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 17, 2014 Members Share Posted September 17, 2014 How about "let's dance together..."? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 17, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 17, 2014 I think what my mouth likes about "and" is that the D ending matches the D open of "dance" so it is almost not even there. It's more of a syllabic lead in than a true word. I'll try a few options when I get around to tracking it. Any other weak areas I need to focus on? How's the melody? Layout? Does it need a bridge or does it feel complete? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 17, 2014 Members Share Posted September 17, 2014 I think the guitar and melody really flows well. This line came off a bit awkward, but I'm sure you could nail it once your studio is up and running. "Either way let's keep it on repeat". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 18, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 18, 2014 Thanks, Bee. I'm an idiot. All this time I'm fighting to get calypso to work when the answer was right there..... Disco! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted September 18, 2014 Members Share Posted September 18, 2014 We can take it nice and slow With some R&B Or switch from 33 to 78 Really move our feet Like how your song is comin along, Os. Just not crazy about the "disco" line. I was not serious about the line I added. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 18, 2014 Members Share Posted September 18, 2014 We can take it nice and slowWith some R&BOr switch from 45 to 78Call it a first date Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 18, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 18, 2014 Thanks guys, I like the sped up option, but it breaks the ABAB rhyme scheme and extends the vinyl imagery a bit too far for me. Care to explain why you don't like "disco" Foose? Is "calypso" better? I thought talking about different styles of music worked really well as a V2 concept. Anyone else have a problem with it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted September 18, 2014 Members Share Posted September 18, 2014 I'm not a fan of either one to be honest.Maybe It's also because I was part of the "Disco sucks" era. LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 18, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 18, 2014 I'm not much of a fan either, but I think it makes narrative sense here. If you ignore your interest in the style and just look at it as two different genres and how you can dance to either... is there still a problem? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted September 18, 2014 Members Share Posted September 18, 2014 I'm not much of a fan either, but I think it makes narrative sense here. If you ignore your interest in the style and just look at it as two different genres and how you can dance to either... is there still a problem? No problem, I was just chiming in to let you know I like what you have so far...disco does flow better than calypso so if you like it keep it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 18, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 18, 2014 OK, cool. I'm not a great lyricist, so I take all feedback seriously. I'm glad it works for you overall, I kinda borrowed your simply style now that I look at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted September 18, 2014 Members Share Posted September 18, 2014 We can take it nice and slowWith some R&BOr just let goReally move our feet I typed this while listening and I think it would sound nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted September 18, 2014 Members Share Posted September 18, 2014 Basic guitar groove is very pleasant but kind of meh to me (I bet you toss those off in your sleep!), spice it up a little. 2nd 2 lines of opening verse is too vague for me, needs meat, doesn't give me something to hang on, esp given how sparse it is. Love love the pre-chorus. I think dropping styes in v2 is a great concept but could founder in execution as you will restrict the target demo for the song with whatever you choose. Best bet would be to use something unassailable like jazz or marvin gaye or soul or van morrison. Even saying "rock and roll" dates you. All I have for now. Good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 18, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 18, 2014 Thanks Martin. I hear you about the the main guitar motif. This demo doesn't get the full idea across, it'll be more of a bass/drum groove perhaps with keys substituting the guitar. I'm convinced it'll work when I put everything together. Got any ideas for the 2nd half of V1? I really like the way the lines echo the phonetics of the first half, but I'm open to suggestions. I think using artists instead of genres is a terrific idea, maybe something like: We can take it nice and slowWith some Marvin GayeOr try XXXXAnd pick up the pace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted September 18, 2014 Members Share Posted September 18, 2014 I've given you all the signsBut I'm still in the darkforgiven all your crimeswaiting for a spark I've given you all the signsbut you give nothing backI'm walking through the mines ducking all the flack Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted September 18, 2014 Members Share Posted September 18, 2014 I've given you all the signsand get nothing in returnyou said you needed timethat wasn't my concern (I wasn't your concern) I can keep going...not exactly on tone, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted September 19, 2014 Members Share Posted September 19, 2014 We can take it nice and slowWith some Marvin GayeOr try Sheryl Crow / BTO/ Grand Funk Railroad/ Black Crows/ Sly and the Family StoneAnd pick up the pace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted September 20, 2014 Moderators Share Posted September 20, 2014 Nice simple lyric, Justin. I haven't had a chance to listen to this yet because of the whole pico iPhone issue. I look forward to hearing it when I get a chance but I've been so busy. Still, the lyric is exquisitely lean. Nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 22, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 22, 2014 Thanks for the suggestions and kudos everyone. I've decided to keep the genres from the first version of V2. I can't come up with anything I like better and it gives me the chance - if I'm feeling daring - to let the music react to those mentions by bringing in part of that style. I had an entirely different concept in mind when I wrote this - more distorted synth and heavy bass - but I got some feedback on MM that I think would strengthen an acoustic style and decided to implement a few. The primary changes are breaking up the guitar and vocals in the verse and substituting a new chord under "over" in the chorus. I also slowed it down a little to provide more vocal space and bust out my sexy side (), as well as touching up the melody/lyric here and there. Is this an improvement? Anything still not working? Leek, this is on soundcloud so you should be good to go. Till the Music is Through - camera demo3 V1 I've given you all the signs But I'm still in the dark I think about all those times I felt the spark PC And I don't think it was just me Let's try this thing, see what we see C Can I come over Spin a record or two We'll dance together Till the music is through V2 We can take it nice and slow With some R&B Or turn on some disco Really move our feet PC2 Either way let's keep it on repeat The greatest hits of you and me C Can I come over Spin a record or two We'll dance together....... Can I come over Spend an evening with you We can dance and dance and dance.... Till the music is through Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted September 22, 2014 Members Share Posted September 22, 2014 We can take it nice and slowto a heart felt beatOr a club atmosphere Really move our feet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 22, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 22, 2014 Thanks, Foose. "Heartfelt" isn't what I'm looking for, but you offered an early post over on musesmuse with a different suggestion. Would you mind letting me know what the original offering was? I can't recall and you edited that one to make them both the same. Anyone else? I know this isn't nearly up the caliber of Leek, Bee and Martin but I can only eat the fish I catch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted September 22, 2014 Members Share Posted September 22, 2014 Thanks, Foose. "Heartfelt" isn't what I'm looking for, but you offered an early post over on musesmuse with a different suggestion. Would you mind letting me know what the original offering was? I can't recall and you edited that one to make them both the same. Heck I can't remember. LOL How about, We can take it nice and slow to a soothing beat (or) dancing cheek to cheek (or) something soft and sweet Or a club atmosphere Really move our feet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 22, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 22, 2014 Ooohhhh.... I like "cheek to cheek"..... We can take it nice and slow Cheek to cheek Or turn on some disco And really move our feet I know you hate "disco" and that was a primary motivation for the offering, but I like ^that^. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted September 22, 2014 Members Share Posted September 22, 2014 I really like this – such a mellow vibe, feels like Glen Hansard, great. Look, I realize you’re not trying to cure cancer here, but I wish there was more ‘there’ there. You start strong and intriguing – you think there’s something there, you felt it, you think she did, too – ‘hey, let’s try this out and see what happens.’ But then this doesn’t develop at all, you just talk about the mechanics (music style, repeating, etc.) - there’s no backstory filled in, no additional detail to the set up, nothing to get me to care about you two. So I think v2 is a wasted opportunity. Talk about the style of music sure but then alternate with lines about her – ‘let’s dance slow…because you’ve been hurt and I need to take it slow’ or – ‘let’s dance to R&B…you always loved that before.’ (If you’re not going to add more stuff, I think the opening is a bit of a bait and switch, honestly.) Similarly, I think the hook – ‘till the music is through’ – needs to be strengthened. It seems like it should be invested with *some* additional meaning to justify its place as title of the song. When it comes, my feeling is a little ‘that’s it? That’s the hook?’ Maybe if the thought you’re communicating is ‘you’ll see, you’ll love me again by the time the music stops’ or ‘hey, we’ll know if there’s a spark between by the time the music ends.’ Instead the music ending is now just that, the music is ending, and only that. So what? My take - hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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