Till the Music is Through - ALT LYRIC IDEA, page 3

[Oswlek]

Edit again: New lyric idea at top of page three

 

EDIT:

 

I had an entirely different concept in mind when I wrote this - more distorted synth and heavy bass - but I got some feedback on MM that I think would strengthen an acoustic style and decided to implement a few. The primary changes are breaking up the guitar and vocals in the verse and substituting a new chord under "over" in the chorus. I also slowed it down a little to provide more vocal space and bust out my sexy side (), as well as touching up the melody/lyric here and there.

 

Is this an improvement? Anything still not working? Leek, this is on soundcloud so you should be good to go.

 

Till the Music is Through - camera demo3

 

V1

I've given you all the signs

But I'm still in the dark

I think about all those times

I felt the spark

 

PC

And I don't think it was just me

Let's try this thing, see what we see

 

C

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

We'll dance together

Till the music is through

 

V2

We can take it nice and slow

With some R&B

Or turn on some disco

Really move our feet

 

PC2

Either way let's keep it on repeat

The greatest hits of you and me

 

C

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

We'll dance together.......

 

Can I come over

Spend an evening with you

We can dance and dance and dance....

 

Till the music is through

 

 

------------------------------------------

 

I thought is was appropriate to reboot this one now that I had time to record a demo. Please excuse the excessive background noise, the camcorder was stolen and the remaining cheap camera isn't really designed for audio.

 

Ryan, my mouth refuses to substitute "we'll" for "and". I'll see what I can do when I'm just singing a take and not playing as well.

 

Thanks!

 

http://picosong.com/9JdQ/

 

V1

I've given you all the signs

But I'm still in the dark

I think about all those times

I felt the spark

 

PC

And I don't think it was just me

Let's try this thing, see what we see

 

C

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

And dance together

Till the music is through

 

V2

We can take it nice and slow

With some R&B

Or try some disco

Really move our feet

 

PC2

Either way let's keep it on repeat

The greatest hits of you and me

 

C

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

And dance together.......

 

Can I come over

For an evening or two

We can turn the record over

Till the music is through

[LCK]

How about "let's dance together..."?

[Oswlek]

I think what my mouth likes about "and" is that the D ending matches the D open of "dance" so it is almost not even there. It's more of a syllabic lead in than a true word. I'll try a few options when I get around to tracking it.

 

Any other weak areas I need to focus on? How's the melody? Layout? Does it need a bridge or does it feel complete?

[bee3]

I think the guitar and melody really flows well. This line came off a bit awkward, but I'm sure you could nail it once your studio is up and running. "Either way let's keep it on repeat".

[Oswlek]

Thanks, Bee.

 

I'm an idiot. All this time I'm fighting to get calypso to work when the answer was right there..... Disco!

 

 

[Foose31]

We can take it nice and slow

With some R&B

Or switch from 33 to 78

Really move our feet

 

 

Like how your song is comin along, Os. Just not crazy about the "disco" line.

 

I was not serious about the line I added.

[bee3]

We can take it nice and slow

With some R&B

Or switch from 45 to 78

Call it a first date

 

[Oswlek]

Thanks guys, I like the sped up option, but it breaks the ABAB rhyme scheme and extends the vinyl imagery a bit too far for me.

 

Care to explain why you don't like "disco" Foose? Is "calypso" better? I thought talking about different styles of music worked really well as a V2 concept. Anyone else have a problem with it?

[Foose31]

I'm not a fan of either one to be honest.

Maybe It's also because I was part of the "Disco sucks" era. LOL

[Oswlek]

I'm not much of a fan either, but I think it makes narrative sense here.

 

If you ignore your interest in the style and just look at it as two different genres and how you can dance to either... is there still a problem?

[Foose31]

I'm not much of a fan either, but I think it makes narrative sense here.

 

If you ignore your interest in the style and just look at it as two different genres and how you can dance to either... is there still a problem?

 

 

No problem, I was just chiming in to let you know I like what you have so far...disco does flow better than calypso so if you like it keep it.

 

 

[Oswlek]

OK, cool. I'm not a great lyricist, so I take all feedback seriously. I'm glad it works for you overall, I kinda borrowed your simply style now that I look at it.

[Foose31]

We can take it nice and slow

With some R&B

Or just let go

Really move our feet

 

I typed this while listening and I think it would sound nice.

[mbfrancis]

Basic guitar groove is very pleasant but kind of meh to me (I bet you toss those off in your sleep!), spice it up a little. 2nd 2 lines of opening verse is too vague for me, needs meat, doesn't give me something to hang on, esp given how sparse it is.

 

Love love the pre-chorus.

 

I think dropping styes in v2 is a great concept but could founder in execution as you will restrict the target demo for the song with whatever you choose. Best bet would be to use something unassailable like jazz or marvin gaye or soul or van morrison. Even saying "rock and roll" dates you.

 

All I have for now. Good stuff.

[Oswlek]

Thanks Martin. I hear you about the the main guitar motif. This demo doesn't get the full idea across, it'll be more of a bass/drum groove perhaps with keys substituting the guitar. I'm convinced it'll work when I put everything together.

 

Got any ideas for the 2nd half of V1? I really like the way the lines echo the phonetics of the first half, but I'm open to suggestions.

 

I think using artists instead of genres is a terrific idea, maybe something like:

 

We can take it nice and slow

With some Marvin Gaye

Or try XXXX

And pick up the pace

[mbfrancis]

I've given you all the signs

But I'm still in the dark

forgiven all your crimes

waiting for a spark

 

I've given you all the signs

but you give nothing back

I'm walking through the mines

ducking all the flack

[mbfrancis]

I've given you all the signs

and get nothing in return

you said you needed time

that wasn't my concern (I wasn't your concern)

 

I can keep going...not exactly on tone, though.

[Foose31]

We can take it nice and slow

With some Marvin Gaye

Or try Sheryl Crow / BTO/ Grand Funk Railroad/ Black Crows/ Sly and the Family Stone

And pick up the pace

[Lee Knight]

Nice simple lyric, Justin. I haven't had a chance to listen to this yet because of the whole pico iPhone issue. I look forward to hearing it when I get a chance but I've been so busy. Still, the lyric is exquisitely lean. Nice.

[Oswlek]

Thanks for the suggestions and kudos everyone. I've decided to keep the genres from the first version of V2. I can't come up with anything I like better and it gives me the chance - if I'm feeling daring - to let the music react to those mentions by bringing in part of that style.

 

I had an entirely different concept in mind when I wrote this - more distorted synth and heavy bass - but I got some feedback on MM that I think would strengthen an acoustic style and decided to implement a few. The primary changes are breaking up the guitar and vocals in the verse and substituting a new chord under "over" in the chorus. I also slowed it down a little to provide more vocal space and bust out my sexy side (), as well as touching up the melody/lyric here and there.

 

Is this an improvement? Anything still not working? Leek, this is on soundcloud so you should be good to go.

 

Till the Music is Through - camera demo3

 

V1

I've given you all the signs

But I'm still in the dark

I think about all those times

I felt the spark

 

PC

And I don't think it was just me

Let's try this thing, see what we see

 

C

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

We'll dance together

Till the music is through

 

V2

We can take it nice and slow

With some R&B

Or turn on some disco

Really move our feet

 

PC2

Either way let's keep it on repeat

The greatest hits of you and me

 

C

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

We'll dance together.......

 

Can I come over

Spend an evening with you

We can dance and dance and dance....

 

Till the music is through

[Foose31]

We can take it nice and slow

to a heart felt beat

Or a club atmosphere

Really move our feet

[Oswlek]

Thanks, Foose. "Heartfelt" isn't what I'm looking for, but you offered an early post over on musesmuse with a different suggestion. Would you mind letting me know what the original offering was? I can't recall and you edited that one to make them both the same.

 

Anyone else? I know this isn't nearly up the caliber of Leek, Bee and Martin but I can only eat the fish I catch.

[Foose31]

Thanks, Foose. "Heartfelt" isn't what I'm looking for, but you offered an early post over on musesmuse with a different suggestion. Would you mind letting me know what the original offering was? I can't recall and you edited that one to make them both the same.

 

 

Heck I can't remember. LOL How about,

 

We can take it nice and slow

to a soothing beat (or) dancing cheek to cheek (or) something soft and sweet

Or a club atmosphere

Really move our feet

 

[Oswlek]

Ooohhhh.... I like "cheek to cheek".....

 

We can take it nice and slow

Cheek to cheek

Or turn on some disco

And really move our feet

 

I know you hate "disco" and that was a primary motivation for the offering, but I like ^that^.

[mbfrancis]

I really like this – such a mellow vibe, feels like Glen Hansard, great.

 

Look, I realize you’re not trying to cure cancer here, but I wish there was more ‘there’ there. You start strong and intriguing – you think there’s something there, you felt it, you think she did, too – ‘hey, let’s try this out and see what happens.’ But then this doesn’t develop at all, you just talk about the mechanics (music style, repeating, etc.) - there’s no backstory filled in, no additional detail to the set up, nothing to get me to care about you two. So I think v2 is a wasted opportunity. Talk about the style of music sure but then alternate with lines about her – ‘let’s dance slow…because you’ve been hurt and I need to take it slow’ or – ‘let’s dance to R&B…you always loved that before.’ (If you’re not going to add more stuff, I think the opening is a bit of a bait and switch, honestly.)

 

Similarly, I think the hook – ‘till the music is through’ – needs to be strengthened. It seems like it should be invested with *some* additional meaning to justify its place as title of the song. When it comes, my feeling is a little ‘that’s it? That’s the hook?’ Maybe if the thought you’re communicating is ‘you’ll see, you’ll love me again by the time the music stops’ or ‘hey, we’ll know if there’s a spark between by the time the music ends.’ Instead the music ending is now just that, the music is ending, and only that. So what?

 

My take - hope this helps.