Oreanna (input please)

[BenStoller]

Greetings! I'd like some input on this song. I know the vocals suck, but I'm stuck with my own voice until I find someone to collaborate with.

 

https://soundcloud.com/benjaminstoller/oreanna-4

 

Orianna

 

Orianna where did you go last night

You didn't come home until the morning light

I listened for your footsteps, coming up the stairs

And fell asleep on the porch, sitting on a wooden chair.

 

I saw your sister down in Faubourg Marigny

Down by the river, down from the levee,

She was scooping up water with a big steel pan

And pouring it over the head of a drowning man.

 

Chorus:

Orianna, I got a worried mind,

I got a bad feeling about what's coming down the line

The things she said got no reason or rhyme

But it's been a long time coming,

you gotta believe me this time. (I ain’t lying.)

 

She burst out of her shabby house, stumbling into the street

Yellin' her fool head off 'bout her family's debauchery,

They spent all the money and left her with nothing,

She's trying to convince the world that she's still something.

 

From down the street came the sound -- of a piano.

Professor Longhair singing he wasn’t scared, oh, no.

But I'm terrified about the thought of losing you.

If you don't come back to me, I don't know what I'll do.

(chorus)

 

I called up to you from the street below.

Your sister's up there talking trash about me, yes, I know.

I’m sorry that I made you cry, but we don’t need to fight.

Oh, come on back home, baby, and let me make things right.

[rhino55]

She was scooping up water in a big steel pan

and pouring it over the head of a drowning man

 

is brilliant.

 

 

Alot of the rest feels pretty rhyme driven night, light, fight, right, etc...

 

It also seems inconsistent. Some of it you're talking to her and other times you're talking about her.

[LCK]

I like the tune. The lyric has a few good lines. You're rushing the words here and there because you've got too many syllables in those spots. But I think it's worth working on a little more.

[BenStoller]

@rhino - The she is the sister, but some other people made the same comment, so it's not clear.

 

@LCK - You're probably right. I've listened to too much Bob Dylan, which is probably why it doesn't sound wrong to me.

 

Thanks for the input!

[mbfrancis]

She was scooping up water in a big steel pan

and pouring it over the head of a drowning man

 

is brilliant.

 

 

Alot of the rest feels pretty rhyme driven night, light, fight, right, etc...

 

It also seems inconsistent. Some of it you're talking to her and other times you're talking about her.

 

 

I really like that line too, some wonderful details in the song, but I honestly have no idea what this song is about. Seems like you're married to a drunk who disappears at night. Or are you unfaithful and she runs away but usually comes back. In the chorus you say she should believe you...why? what about? have you lied before? Then her sister is there, someone's dying, someone bursts out of a house (is it Orianna or the sister, it's unclear). There's all this interesting stuff with minimal context or a sense of narrative to give it purpose and meaning. This sounds like it's far off - it's not, you just need to tighten it up for coherence, add a few details for context.

 

Also LCK is right, you need to trim a lot of the lines aggressively to fit the melody. I'd avoid obvious cliches like 'morning light.' The Margny/levee rhyme is awkward because levee is pronounced LE-vee, not le-VEE.

 

Hope this helps.

[LCK]

 

@LCK - You're probably right. I've listened to too much Bob Dylan, which is probably why it doesn't sound wrong to me.

 

Thanks for the input!

 

Yeah, but Dylan had an unerring sense of rhythm. He could throw clouds and clouds of words at you. Sometimes they'd fall into the pocket, sometimes they'd flirt with the edges or even fall outside them. But he was almost always able to give them an underlying sense of rightness in how they fit together.

[BenStoller]

 

Yeah, but Dylan had an unerring sense of rhythm. He could throw clouds and clouds of words at you. Sometimes they'd fall into the pocket, sometimes they'd flirt with the edges or even fall outside them. But he was almost always able to give them an underlying sense of rightness in how they fit together.

You've obviously never seen him live!

[Delmont]

I've heard Dylan live.

 

I'm not a pro, but my initial reaction to your lyrics was the same as the pros above are saying. You have a good start on an entertaining song. It mainly just wants some tightening. Dylan has up shows and down shows like every other public performer. Regardless, a minor point is that you're not Dylan. A more important point is that you can economize on your syllables.

 

There's nothing wrong with putting a whole lot of words down. A good gush of ideas can be a wonderful starting point. My next step is to cut out the fat, usually aggressively. Write twenty verses and use eight. Write long lines and challenge myself to tighten them.

 

That's not to say I haven't written some long songs. I've written long and short. But none are longer than they have to be.

 

"Pouring it over the head of a drowning man" is a lively image, but something like "Pours it on a drowning man" creates exactly the same image, but with added vitality. "Throws it" might even be stronger. Play with your words. Nothing is sacred. We're not oracles. We're entertainers.

 

Your first draft should show your love for your subject. Your final draft should show your love for your audience. I usually go through a dozen rewrites before a draft is to a point where I'd even let my wife hear it. Playing them aloud helps me hear the flaws that don't show up on paper. If I hear myself rushing or stumbling, I know I have to do some cutting and shaping. My songs can go through dozens of rewrites.

 

Ernest Hemingway said he wrote the ending of "A Farewell To Arms" 39 times "to get the words right."

 

I know you're not Hemingway. Neither am I. But if I can't learn from pros, I'll never be a pro. (And the learning doesn't stop when we become pros. Pros learn from each other.)

[Delmont]

PS - And yeah. Levee rhymes with bevy and Chevy. And since Don McLean already owns Chevy....

[BenStoller]

I've seen Dylan several times and tried to watch some of his concert videos and have never experienced an "up" show. He's horrible live!

 

That said, I appreciate the input from everyone and will work on the lyrics.

[mbfrancis]

Your first draft should show your love for your subject. Your final draft should show your love for your audience.

 

Woah, that's some heavy stuff right there.

 

[tbry]

Nice but as others have said...to many syllables to sing clean...an example

 

I got a bad feeling about what's coming down the line

[LCK]

Nice but as others have said...to many syllables to sing clean...an example

 

I got a bad feeling about what's coming down the line

 

Hey, tbry! Nice to see you hanging out here again!

[Delmont]

 

Woah, that's some heavy stuff right there.

 

Oops! Sorry. I didn't mean like a mint on the pillow or long-stemmed roses by FTD. I meant like, the inspiration is FROM the writer, the perspiration is FOR the listener.

[Delmont]

I've seen Dylan several times and tried to watch some of his concert videos and have never experienced an "up" show. He's horrible live!

 

That said, I appreciate the input from everyone and will work on the lyrics.

 

I had a girlfriend who had the live Rolling Thunder tour album. Massively entertaining. I've heard they were great shows.