Members Oswlek Posted September 11, 2014 Members Share Posted September 11, 2014 EDIT: Lyric idea in post #25 V1 I've given you all the signs But I'm still in the dark I think about all those times I felt the spark PC And I don't think it was just me Let's try this thing, see what we see C Can I come over Spin a record or two We'll dance together Till the music is through V2 We can take it nice and slow With some R&B Or try some calypso And move our feet PC2 Either way let's keep it on repeat The greatest hits of you and me C Can I come over Spin a record or two We'll dance together....... Can I come over For an evening or two We can turn the record over Till the music is through -------------------------- EDIT: The new direction starts at comment #17: Thanks guys. You'll probably laugh, but the song is veering in a new direction, this one inspired by a song I heard while picking up the kids some fries at McDonalds. I feel like this is a little more playful, less serious, which tames the creepiness factor. Someone broke into our house yesterday and stole the video camera (amongst other things), so now I don't have a studio or a good device to record a quick demo. This is a really terrible quality mp3 player take, so please overlook the poor quality, the workers' banging as well as the awful singing. Just getting the idea down. http://picosong.com/926H V1 I've given you all the signs Still I'm in the dark I think about all those times I felt the spark PC And I don't think it was just me XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX C Are you my lover? Are you my friend? Will this be over When the music ends The first problem that jumps out is that I haven't set up the tag at all. Should I change the V/PC lyric? Or ditch the current chorus? Any ideas on what to replace it with? Looks like line three of the chorus doesn't quite fit anymore, either. --------------------------- Previous comment: So, this is one of the versions "Beneath the Ash" is transforming to. I kinda like it and feel like it is something that might be worth doing even if the collab with Chazmataz moves in a different direction. My two biggest concerns: 1) Does the guy come off as a creep? Reading the lyric, isn't it possible that she gets it, she just doesn't feel the same? Is there a way to make it clear that she very well may be interested? Or is that not even necessary considering the questions in the chorus? 2) Is the chorus overdramatic making it somewhat insular? I'm not married to much of the verses, lyrically or melodically. Some of it was mapped out, some was winged on the spot. At this point, V2 is filler to get the idea across. Thanks for the help! When the Music Ends V1 I've given you all the signs Some a number of times But I don't seem to be getting through V2 It's time I stop being coy XXXXXXXX We've got a slow song Gonna take you along C Are you my lover? Are you my friend? Will this be over When the music ends? V3 As I steer you across the floor It's clear what I'm asking for Did I feel you tremble? Or maybe catch your breath? C Are you my lover? Are you my friend? Will this be over When the music ends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted September 11, 2014 Members Share Posted September 11, 2014 I think by changing the last line of V1 you can help with some of 1) I've given you all the signsSome a number of timesHave I gotten through?/Will I ever get through? You'll be staying with the questioning nature of the narrator and you take away the chance for him to be creepy, because he isn't forcing something on somebody that doesn't want it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted September 11, 2014 Members Share Posted September 11, 2014 Nice song. It's time I stop being coyTo become a man not a boy (or something along them lines)We've got a slow songGonna take you along Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted September 11, 2014 Members Share Posted September 11, 2014 Also how about I'VE got a slow songGonna take you along Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted September 11, 2014 Members Share Posted September 11, 2014 AND maybe... As I steer you across the floorIS IT clear what I'm asking for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 11, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 11, 2014 Great stuff, guys. I'm planning on using most of those in some form or another. Ryan, with regard to the question in V1, I'm struggling to find a workable melodic shape. Would something like "I don't know if I'm getting through" work? Or is there a way to lengthen your suggestions? Even with these changes, I still feel like I'm not 100% there yet. What I am hoping for is to get the listener to root for the couple in a Jim and Pam sorta way. And like them, I want it to be clear that there is some chemistry there, the question is if there is enough. Does inserting this improve the chorus at all? Or make it more obvious that they are having a moment of sorts? CAre you my lover?Are you my friend?Will this moment be overWhen the music ends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted September 11, 2014 Members Share Posted September 11, 2014 I think 'I dont' know if I'm getting through' works well. Adding something in the chorus might help, but I don't think moment is the right word in the context of a question. What if you said something like I don't want this moment to be overwhen the music ends Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BenStoller Posted September 11, 2014 Members Share Posted September 11, 2014 The chorus would make more sense (to me) if it was something like: Will you be my lover?Will you be my friend?Or will do we part waysWhen the music ends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 11, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 11, 2014 The chorus would make more sense (to me) if it was something like: Will you be my lover? Will you be my friend? Or will do we part ways When the music ends? I can't disagree, Ben. That is something I've struggled with as well, since the question is more about what will happen than what is happening. The problem is that I use "will" a lot in the verse and, frankly, it sings terribly in the chorus. That's why I went with the present tense and hoped the idea got across nearly as well. Thanks for the feedback. Ryan, that is a solid idea, though I'm not sure how I can fit it in without making serious changes to the arrangement. We'll see what I can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted September 11, 2014 Members Share Posted September 11, 2014 Maybe I hope this moment lastswhen the music ends Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 11, 2014 Members Share Posted September 11, 2014 So, this is one of the versions "Beneath the Ash" is transforming to ... V1 I've given you all the signs Some a number of times But I don't seem to be getting through V2 It's time I stop being coy XXXXXXXX We've got a slow song Gonna take you along C Are you my lover? Are you my friend? Will this be over When the music ends? V3 As I steer you across the floor It's clear what I'm asking for Did I feel you tremble? Or maybe catch your breath? C Are you my lover? Are you my friend? Will this be over When the music ends? Really good stuff... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted September 11, 2014 Members Share Posted September 11, 2014 I'm just....listening......... *smile* It's already a very good song. *wave* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted September 12, 2014 Members Share Posted September 12, 2014 Some ideas CAre you my lover?Are you my friend?Will there be silenceWhen the music ends? CAre you my lover?Are you my friend?Will there be nothingWhen the music ends? CAre you my lover?Are you my friend?Will there be somethingWhen the music ends? CAre you my lover?Are you my friend?Will we reach for repeatWhen the music ends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 12, 2014 Members Share Posted September 12, 2014 Are you my lover?Are you my friend?Will we flip the record over?When the music ends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted September 12, 2014 Members Share Posted September 12, 2014 Are you my lover?Are you my friend?Will we drift apart?When the music ends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted September 12, 2014 Moderators Share Posted September 12, 2014 Nice Justin! I love the way you use the low E motive as a sort of suggestion of their dance. Really cool.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 12, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 12, 2014 Thanks guys. You'll probably laugh, but the song is veering in a new direction, this one inspired by a song I heard while picking up the kids some fries at McDonalds. I feel like this is a little more playful, less serious, which tames the creepiness factor. Someone broke into our house yesterday and stole the video camera (amongst other things), so now I don't have a studio or a good device to record a quick demo. This is a really terrible quality mp3 player take, so please overlook the poor quality, the workers' banging as well as the awful singing. Just getting the idea down. http://picosong.com/926H V1I've given you all the signsStill I'm in the darkI think about all those timesI felt the spark PCAnd I don't think it was just meXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX CAre you my lover?Are you my friend?Will this be overWhen the music ends The first problem that jumps out is that I haven't set up the tag at all. Should I change the V/PC lyric? Or ditch the current chorus? Any ideas on what to replace it with? It also seems like the third line of the chorus needs to go either way because I don't see how to get a dance in there at this point. Disagree? I'm still pondering some of the suggestions from the earlier version and how they fit this new direction. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted September 12, 2014 Members Share Posted September 12, 2014 Just a functional / lyrical comment, not having heard the track yet: if the title is the fairly generic "When the Music Ends," I don't think the single chorus execution is strong enough - I think you need at least another chorus stanza to solidify that WHEN THE MUSIC ends is the title and not any of the other words in the chorus: who'll be the liarwho just pretendswill you be with mewhen the music ends you'll get chlymidiaI'll get the bendsyoung hearts will be brokenwhen the music ends you get the idea Of course I could be totally wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 13, 2014 Members Share Posted September 13, 2014 Are you my lover? Are you my friend? Will we flip the record over? When the music ends? Genius! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BenStoller Posted September 13, 2014 Members Share Posted September 13, 2014 Are you my lover? Are you my mate? Will you be there for real, or only in my imagination when I masturbate? There might be too many syllables in the last line, but you could sing them real fast. You're welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 13, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 13, 2014 I was playing with the chorus and came up with this: Can I come overSpin a record or twoHold you 'till morningTill the music is through I wanted to add a "or at least" prior to the tag line, but I can't seem to do it. With that bit it is a nice, I'll take what I can get sentiment. Without it maybe it is a larger statement about their personal music? From there I ended up going in this direction: Can I come overSpin a record or twoAnd sway/spin/glide/move 'till morningTo the music of you None of those verbs feels perfect, but I think it is a solid idea. I really wanted it to be "music of two" because it lead to a nice PC the second time around: Now I'm here let's keep it on repeatThe greatest hits of you and me The problem is that it leads me to rhyming "two" with "two". Does anyone have any idea to help me avoid the self rhyme? Is "music of you" still acceptable if not? Do none of them work? I'd still also appreciate some feedback on the new verse and PC. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted September 14, 2014 Members Share Posted September 14, 2014 PCAnd I don't think it was just meXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX..........So answer please and hear my plea Hey, just a thought... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 14, 2014 Members Share Posted September 14, 2014 I was playing with the chorus and came up with this: Can I come over Spin a record or two Hold you 'till morning Till the music is through I wanted to add a "or at least" prior to the tag line, but I can't seem to do it. With that bit it is a nice, I'll take what I can get sentiment. Without it maybe it is a larger statement about their personal music? From there I ended up going in this direction: Can I come over Spin a record or two And sway/spin/glide/move 'till morning To the music of you None of those verbs feels perfect, but I think it is a solid idea. I really wanted it to be "music of two" because it lead to a nice PC the second time around: Now I'm here let's keep it on repeat The greatest hits of you and me The problem is that it leads me to rhyming "two" with "two". Does anyone have any idea to help me avoid the self rhyme? Is "music of you" still acceptable if not? Do none of them work? I'd still also appreciate some feedback on the new verse and PC. Thanks I would skip the glide, etc., and stick with dance. I like the first iteration better: "til the music is through." The seems too "thought out." I don't get where there's a rhyming of "two" with "two." Is that on another page? Anyway, I think it's coming along pretty nicely. I still like Bee's verse the best, though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 14, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 14, 2014 Thanks guys. Lee, "two" would self rhyme if I went with: Can I come overSpin a record or twoAnd sway/spin/glide/move 'till morningTo the music of two I like Bee's chorus as well (that's what it was, not a verse) but it isn't doable unless I go back to the prior chorus. My recent changes were an attempt to get that idea in. As for first iteration, are you saying the first in the quoted post or are you saying it should go all the way back to "are you my lover?" Sorry, I'm not completely following you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 14, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 14, 2014 OK, maybe something like this? V1I've given you all the signsBut I'm still in the darkI think about all those timesI felt the spark PCAnd I don't think it was just meLet's try this thing.XXXXXXXXXX CCan I come overSpin a record or twoAnd hold on till morning or And dance togetherTill the music is through V2XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX PC2Now we're here let's keep it on repeatThe greatest hits of you and me CCan I come overSpin a record or twoAnd hold on till morning or And dance togetherTill the music is through Will you come overFor an evening or twoWe can turn/start the record overWhen the music is through Is this looking like it is on track? "Dance together" would sound a lot better if I could come up with two syllables for "dance". Any ideas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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