Till the Music is Through - Lyric posted #33

[Oswlek]

EDIT: Lyric idea in post #25

 

V1

I've given you all the signs

But I'm still in the dark

I think about all those times

I felt the spark

 

PC

And I don't think it was just me

Let's try this thing, see what we see

 

C

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

We'll dance together

Till the music is through

 

V2

We can take it nice and slow

With some R&B

Or try some calypso

And move our feet

 

PC2

Either way let's keep it on repeat

The greatest hits of you and me

 

C

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

We'll dance together.......

 

Can I come over

For an evening or two

We can turn the record over

Till the music is through

 

--------------------------

 

EDIT: The new direction starts at comment #17:

 

Thanks guys. You'll probably laugh, but the song is veering in a new direction, this one inspired by a song I heard while picking up the kids some fries at McDonalds. I feel like this is a little more playful, less serious, which tames the creepiness factor.

 

Someone broke into our house yesterday and stole the video camera (amongst other things), so now I don't have a studio or a good device to record a quick demo. This is a really terrible quality mp3 player take, so please overlook the poor quality, the workers' banging as well as the awful singing. Just getting the idea down.

 

http://picosong.com/926H

 

V1

I've given you all the signs

Still I'm in the dark

I think about all those times

I felt the spark

 

PC

And I don't think it was just me

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

C

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will this be over

When the music ends

 

The first problem that jumps out is that I haven't set up the tag at all. Should I change the V/PC lyric? Or ditch the current chorus? Any ideas on what to replace it with?

 

Looks like line three of the chorus doesn't quite fit anymore, either.

 

 

---------------------------

 

Previous comment:

 

So, this is one of the versions "Beneath the Ash" is transforming to. I kinda like it and feel like it is something that might be worth doing even if the collab with Chazmataz moves in a different direction.

 

My two biggest concerns:

 

1) Does the guy come off as a creep? Reading the lyric, isn't it possible that she gets it, she just doesn't feel the same? Is there a way to make it clear that she very well may be interested? Or is that not even necessary considering the questions in the chorus?

 

2) Is the chorus overdramatic making it somewhat insular?

 

I'm not married to much of the verses, lyrically or melodically. Some of it was mapped out, some was winged on the spot. At this point, V2 is filler to get the idea across.

 

Thanks for the help!

 

When the Music Ends

 

V1

I've given you all the signs

Some a number of times

But I don't seem to be getting through

 

V2

It's time I stop being coy

XXXXXXXX

We've got a slow song

Gonna take you along

 

C

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will this be over

When the music ends?

 

V3

As I steer you across the floor

It's clear what I'm asking for

Did I feel you tremble?

Or maybe catch your breath?

 

C

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will this be over

When the music ends?

[rhino55]

I think by changing the last line of V1 you can help with some of 1)

 

I've given you all the signs

Some a number of times

Have I gotten through?/Will I ever get through?

 

You'll be staying with the questioning nature of the narrator and you take away the chance for him to be creepy, because he isn't forcing something on somebody that doesn't want it.

[stickboymusic]

Nice song.

 

It's time I stop being coy

To become a man not a boy (or something along them lines)

We've got a slow song

Gonna take you along

[stickboymusic]

Also how about

 

 

I'VE got a slow song

Gonna take you along

[stickboymusic]

AND maybe...

 

As I steer you across the floor

IS IT clear what I'm asking for?

[Oswlek]

Great stuff, guys. I'm planning on using most of those in some form or another.

 

Ryan, with regard to the question in V1, I'm struggling to find a workable melodic shape. Would something like "I don't know if I'm getting through" work? Or is there a way to lengthen your suggestions?

 

Even with these changes, I still feel like I'm not 100% there yet. What I am hoping for is to get the listener to root for the couple in a Jim and Pam sorta way. And like them, I want it to be clear that there is some chemistry there, the question is if there is enough.

 

Does inserting this improve the chorus at all? Or make it more obvious that they are having a moment of sorts?

 

C

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will this moment be over

When the music ends?

[rhino55]

I think 'I dont' know if I'm getting through' works well.

 

Adding something in the chorus might help, but I don't think moment is the right word in the context of a question. What if you said something like

 

I don't want this moment to be over

when the music ends

[BenStoller]

The chorus would make more sense (to me) if it was something like:

 

Will you be my lover?

Will you be my friend?

Or will do we part ways

When the music ends?

 

 

[Oswlek]

The chorus would make more sense (to me) if it was something like:

 

Will you be my lover?

Will you be my friend?

Or will do we part ways

When the music ends?

 

 

I can't disagree, Ben. That is something I've struggled with as well, since the question is more about what will happen than what is happening.

 

The problem is that I use "will" a lot in the verse and, frankly, it sings terribly in the chorus. That's why I went with the present tense and hoped the idea got across nearly as well.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

 

Ryan, that is a solid idea, though I'm not sure how I can fit it in without making serious changes to the arrangement. We'll see what I can do.

[rhino55]

Maybe

 

I hope this moment lasts

when the music ends

 

 

 

[LCK]

So, this is one of the versions "Beneath the Ash" is transforming to ...

 

V1

I've given you all the signs

Some a number of times

But I don't seem to be getting through

 

V2

It's time I stop being coy

XXXXXXXX

We've got a slow song

Gonna take you along

 

C

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will this be over

When the music ends?

 

V3

As I steer you across the floor

It's clear what I'm asking for

Did I feel you tremble?

Or maybe catch your breath?

 

C

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will this be over

When the music ends?

 

Really good stuff...

[LeonardScaper]

I'm just....listening......... *smile*

 

It's already a very good song.

 

*wave*

[stickboymusic]

Some ideas

 

C

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will there be silence

When the music ends?

 

C

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will there be nothing

When the music ends?

 

C

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will there be something

When the music ends?

 

C

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will we reach for repeat

When the music ends?

 

 

 

[bee3]

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will we flip the record over?

When the music ends?

[Foose31]

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will we drift apart?

When the music ends?

[Lee Knight]

Nice Justin! I love the way you use the low E motive as a sort of suggestion of their dance. Really cool....

[Oswlek]

Thanks guys. You'll probably laugh, but the song is veering in a new direction, this one inspired by a song I heard while picking up the kids some fries at McDonalds. I feel like this is a little more playful, less serious, which tames the creepiness factor.

 

Someone broke into our house yesterday and stole the video camera (amongst other things), so now I don't have a studio or a good device to record a quick demo. This is a really terrible quality mp3 player take, so please overlook the poor quality, the workers' banging as well as the awful singing. Just getting the idea down.

 

http://picosong.com/926H

 

V1

I've given you all the signs

Still I'm in the dark

I think about all those times

I felt the spark

 

PC

And I don't think it was just me

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

C

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will this be over

When the music ends

 

The first problem that jumps out is that I haven't set up the tag at all. Should I change the V/PC lyric? Or ditch the current chorus? Any ideas on what to replace it with?

 

It also seems like the third line of the chorus needs to go either way because I don't see how to get a dance in there at this point. Disagree? I'm still pondering some of the suggestions from the earlier version and how they fit this new direction.

 

Thanks!

[mbfrancis]

Just a functional / lyrical comment, not having heard the track yet: if the title is the fairly generic "When the Music Ends," I don't think the single chorus execution is strong enough - I think you need at least another chorus stanza to solidify that WHEN THE MUSIC ends is the title and not any of the other words in the chorus:

 

who'll be the liar

who just pretends

will you be with me

when the music ends

 

you'll get chlymidia

I'll get the bends

young hearts will be broken

when the music ends

 

you get the idea

 

Of course I could be totally wrong.

[LCK]

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend?

Will we flip the record over?

When the music ends?

 

Genius!

[BenStoller]

Are you my lover?

Are you my mate?

Will you be there for real,

or only in my imagination when I masturbate?

 

There might be too many syllables in the last line, but you could sing them real fast.

 

You're welcome.

[Oswlek]

I was playing with the chorus and came up with this:

 

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

Hold you 'till morning

Till the music is through

 

I wanted to add a "or at least" prior to the tag line, but I can't seem to do it. With that bit it is a nice, I'll take what I can get sentiment. Without it maybe it is a larger statement about their personal music?

 

From there I ended up going in this direction:

 

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

And sway/spin/glide/move 'till morning

To the music of you

 

None of those verbs feels perfect, but I think it is a solid idea. I really wanted it to be "music of two" because it lead to a nice PC the second time around:

 

Now I'm here let's keep it on repeat

The greatest hits of you and me

 

The problem is that it leads me to rhyming "two" with "two". Does anyone have any idea to help me avoid the self rhyme? Is "music of you" still acceptable if not? Do none of them work?

 

I'd still also appreciate some feedback on the new verse and PC.

 

Thanks

 

[tbry]

PC

And I don't think it was just me

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX..........So answer please and hear my plea

 

Hey, just a thought...

[LCK]

I was playing with the chorus and came up with this:

 

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

Hold you 'till morning

Till the music is through

 

I wanted to add a "or at least" prior to the tag line, but I can't seem to do it. With that bit it is a nice, I'll take what I can get sentiment. Without it maybe it is a larger statement about their personal music?

 

From there I ended up going in this direction:

 

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

And sway/spin/glide/move 'till morning

To the music of you

 

None of those verbs feels perfect, but I think it is a solid idea. I really wanted it to be "music of two" because it lead to a nice PC the second time around:

 

Now I'm here let's keep it on repeat

The greatest hits of you and me

 

The problem is that it leads me to rhyming "two" with "two". Does anyone have any idea to help me avoid the self rhyme? Is "music of you" still acceptable if not? Do none of them work?

 

I'd still also appreciate some feedback on the new verse and PC.

 

Thanks

 

I would skip the glide, etc., and stick with dance.

 

I like the first iteration better: "til the music is through." The seems too "thought out."

 

I don't get where there's a rhyming of "two" with "two." Is that on another page?

 

Anyway, I think it's coming along pretty nicely.

 

I still like Bee's verse the best, though...

[Oswlek]

Thanks guys.

 

Lee, "two" would self rhyme if I went with:

 

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

And sway/spin/glide/move 'till morning

To the music of two

 

I like Bee's chorus as well (that's what it was, not a verse) but it isn't doable unless I go back to the prior chorus. My recent changes were an attempt to get that idea in.

 

As for first iteration, are you saying the first in the quoted post or are you saying it should go all the way back to "are you my lover?"

 

Sorry, I'm not completely following you.

 

 

[Oswlek]

OK, maybe something like this?

 

V1

I've given you all the signs

But I'm still in the dark

I think about all those times

I felt the spark

 

PC

And I don't think it was just me

Let's try this thing.XXXXXXXXXX

 

C

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

And hold on till morning or And dance together

Till the music is through

 

V2

XXXXX

XXXXX

XXXXX

XXXXX

 

PC2

Now we're here let's keep it on repeat

The greatest hits of you and me

 

C

Can I come over

Spin a record or two

And hold on till morning or And dance together

Till the music is through

 

Will you come over

For an evening or two

We can turn/start the record over

When the music is through

 

Is this looking like it is on track?

 

"Dance together" would sound a lot better if I could come up with two syllables for "dance". Any ideas?