Beneath the Ash - IGNORE

[Oswlek]

I posted this a while back, but it's on my mind lately and it's changed a good deal so I wanted to get some ears on it again.

 

Edit: I've gotten enough feedback to work with this, and it is now undergoing a few potential transformations. Thanks for the help.

 

Still about a month away from getting the studio up and running, so it's another lousy camera demo, this time of a song I've had kicking around for a while. I've never been sure what to make of it. Sometimes it feels like a jumbled mess, other times I really dig the unique flow.

 

Please overlook the dreadful singing on "destiny finds you here". My voice has been temperamental lately and it was all I could do to avoid a coughing fit. I also think I'm going to change that part a little. Instead of holding the "des..." on both, it'll go with all three syllables hitting the count the first time around and dragging the second. Something like this:

 

1 - 2 - 3 - 1 - 2 - 3 - 1 - 2 - 3 - 1 - 2 - 3

Des-ti-ny. finds.......you.........here

Des...tiny finds.......you.........here

 

Hopefully the guitar arrangement conveys the simple open and gradual build through the first three verses.

 

So, what say you? Do the contours make for a compelling piece? Or just a mismatch of ideas?

 

Thanks!

 

Beneath the Ash

 

V1

Take this sweet love of mine

This frail and undefined

I've put my faith in you

 

V2

Peering behind the mask

Buried beneath the ash

I'm scared of what you'll see

Scared of what we'll be

Care to dance with me?

 

V3

Steal me across the floor

Knowing what I'm asking for

There's no breaking stride

If it takes all night

Take this love of mine

 

Interlude

Here I go....

 

V4

There's no breaking stride

If it takes all night

Take this frail, undefined

Love of mine

 

Interlude

Here I go....

 

Destiny finds you here

Destiny finds you here

 

[rhino55]

I really like the guitar riff you're using during the opening. I wanted more of that with the singing during V4.

 

I think a change where V3 hits would be nice. Maybe you could do an interlude there, possibly with here 'we' go instead of here 'I' go?

 

Who is behind the mask? Is it you or the person you're singing to? Same thing with who is buried beneath the ash. I think both of these could easily be fixed by changing 'the' to 'my' or 'your.'

 

All in all I certainly don't think this is trash or in need of a reboot.

[Oswlek]

Thanks, Ryan!

 

I think a change where V3 hits would be nice.

 

Yeah, I figured that would be a potential complaint. I'm really hoping that the arrangement can provide the development because I have no other ideas up my sleeve for that part. As of yet, anyway.

 

here 'we' go instead of here 'I' go

 

That's a great idea. I'll use that in the second interlude.

 

I really like the guitar riff you're using during the opening. I wanted more of that with the singing during V4.

 

I'm not sure how I would do that since V4 uses only the latter half chord progression. I purposely dropped the riff when singing because I worried it might be overkill (since it is before V1 and V2, as well as being in the post-interlude break and at the very end). Maybe I can have it appear subtly on a different instrument?

 

Who is behind the mask?

 

I thought I had made that clear with "I'm scared of what you'll see." No?

 

Much appreciated, Ryan. I always appreciate your thoughts.

[rhino55]

 

I thought I had made that clear with "I'm scared of what you'll see." No?

 

I can see it going either way. Peering makes me think that could be the person doing the seeing. I'm scared of what you'll see makes it seem like that was the person wearing the mask. I suppose it works either way, but why not trade a one syllable non descriptive word for a one syllable word that is more descriptive?

 

Ornot

[mbfrancis]

This is totally worth keeping.

 

Love love love the basic guitar groove and opening. I don't know what's going on in the lyric really but I also really love the idea having a ton at stake but grounding it in an actual place asking someone to dance, like that is freighted with all this import. Two parallel scenes, the actual bar/club and your history with this person - I really wish that was defined better, a big opportunity there. Solidify *that* and your title will be clear...not sure "beneath the ash" fits that (maybe it does, dunno).

 

Needs a Chorus, or at least some hook at the end of the verses. Needs better defined sections overall. E.g., I'm not crazy about when you go out of key and start strumming loudly, but that may be because it's not clear *why* you're doing it and what role that section plays in the song...is this the bridge, a pre-chorus, what? So tighten up structure I think.

 

Hope this helps, great potential here. As always, love the guitar playing.

[LCK]

This is totally worth keeping.

 

Love love love the basic guitar groove and opening. I don't know what's going on in the lyric really but I also really love the idea having a ton at stake but grounding it in an actual place asking someone to dance, like that is freighted with all this import. Two parallel scenes, the actual bar/club and your history with this person - I really wish that was defined better, a big opportunity there. Solidify *that* and your title will be clear...not sure "beneath the ash" fits that (maybe it does, dunno).

 

Needs a Chorus, or at least some hook at the end of the verses. Needs better defined sections overall. E.g., I'm not crazy about when you go out of key and start strumming loudly, but that may be because it's not clear *why* you're doing it and what role that section plays in the song...is this the bridge, a pre-chorus, what? So tighten up structure I think.

 

Hope this helps, great potential here. As always, love the guitar playing.

 

Yeah. I think you have some really great elements. They just don't cohere lyrically for me. For instance, "I put my faith in you..." doesn't gibe with "Scared of what you'll see..."

 

Also, I don't know that I'd hit on some chick with "take my frail, undefined love for you..." "Oh, really?" She might say. "Uh, no thanks...?" It sounds like she's only dancing with you out of pity. Not a strong emotional pull for most listeners.

 

If he's just terribly shy, that's one thing. But I think his feelings for her have to be terribly strong in order for us to invest in the story. Otherwise he's just a wanker.

 

Also, I'm not sure about the musical structure. The first verse has one structure. The 2nd and 3rd verses have a different structure.

 

Now, with all that being said, the parts of the tune I like (the guitar figure and Verse 1's structure) are still dancing in my head. They won't let go. So you clearly have something very keepable.

[Oswlek]

Thanks guys. It looks like I need to rethink the entire direction after V1. I'm not bothered by the fact that V2/V3 are different lengths (quite like it) but I'm going to see if I can take V1 and go somewhere more standard and see how it sounds.

[mbfrancis]

[Oswlek]

Ha!

 

If you want to hear the most recent version, here you go.

 

http://picosong.com/94zf/

 

The current pre is more or less a space filler. I don't know what the first one(s) will be, but I think this will the last one.

 

Did I feel you tremble?

Or maybe catch your breath?

 

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend

Will this be over

Ooh... when the music ends

 

Now I just need to figure out the story that matches this chorus. Clearly she isn't someone he just saw at a dance... has he been infatuated for a while? Friends who perpetually seem on the cusp of something more? And how do I share all that back story and set a scene with such limited lyric space?

 

We'll see how it goes...

 

I need to give a tip of my cap to Chazmataz who offered the chorus suggestion that I built this off of.

[LCK]

Ha!

 

 

Did I feel you tremble?

Or maybe catch your breath?

 

Are you my lover?

Are you my friend

Will this be over

Ooh... when the music ends

 

 

That's really good stuff so far!