Members LCK Posted August 31, 2014 Members Share Posted August 31, 2014 Germ of something doable? So, is this a thing? I asked. Is what a thing? she said. This, us just hanging out, you know. She thought a bit, then No, she said. No? No it’s not a thing. Then she smiled and saidit’s nice to think you think it is. Wait, who said, I thought…who said I’m thinking? You mean you’re not? No I’m just asking. I mean, I was wond’ring… Good. She stared at the distance. It’s nice to wonder.The world is full of wonder. Then she took my handand we walked down to the riverand threw some stonesand watched them skip across the water. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 31, 2014 Moderators Share Posted August 31, 2014 This is more than a thing, Lee! Definitely outside the box and I'm loving it a lot. It brings to mind Frank Sinatra doing it was a very good year or something unusual for him like that. Definitely work this one up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted September 1, 2014 Members Share Posted September 1, 2014 Hey Lee, this is cool, I like it. Some thoughts:* There's a real risk for the listener getting lost in the lyric, 'who's on first' style, so be sure to always make it clear...When you say "wait who said i though" I was a little thrown.* When you have multiple lines ending in "she said," consider rhyming the words *before* she said. E.g. "I have to go, she said / this much I know, she said'.* I'm interested where this narrative is going and what the tone will be. I was bummed she said 'no' already. Seems like you could invest this with more weight, and build up, Maybe each verse is a phase of the relationship, and they ask is this a thing each time. Not sure if this helps - very cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted September 2, 2014 Members Share Posted September 2, 2014 and watched themskip, skip, skipacross the water. I'd like to see this section as a chorus if possible. Maybe change the number of skips (increase them) each time through. There's a bit of a joke in the metaphor of "skip, skip, skip" cause we all know what happens next, plunk. But you don't have to say "plunk" at all. I'm a big fan of natural dialogue. Gets people out of the poetic/literary mindset and into the real world we inhabit, which is where real poetry begins anyway. nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted September 2, 2014 Members Share Posted September 2, 2014 I think it is a thing, and it is very much my kind of thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 2, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 2, 2014 I think it is a thing, and it is very much my kind of thing. Yeah, I was definitely cribbing from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted September 2, 2014 Members Share Posted September 2, 2014 Yeah, I was definitely cribbing from you. Was in your neck of the woods this weekend, and cribbed a little from you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 2, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 2, 2014 Was in your neck of the woods this weekend, and cribbed a little from you... Nice photo! It looks like you were in the meat-packing district. A propos of that, I watched a scene from I think it was Serpico the other night. I mainly stopped to watch it because the scene was shot on Gansevoort street back when it really was a meat-packing district. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted September 3, 2014 Members Share Posted September 3, 2014 I love it......I can hear it already in your style. *wave* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 3, 2014 Members Share Posted September 3, 2014 I wasn't really sure what to make of this when I first read it last week... is it a song? Is it a story? I do like it though and will be interested to see what you do with it musically. That said... I don't know that I've ever been involved with a girl that can skip a rock across the water... so that last line kind of threw me because I immediately thought of the uh, more athletic types. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I might have said something along the lines of 'took off our shoes and waded/splashed/walked in the water'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted September 3, 2014 Members Share Posted September 3, 2014 I wasn't really sure what to make of this when I first read it last week... is it a song? Is it a story? I do like it though and will be interested to see what you do with it musically. That said... I don't know that I've ever been involved with a girl that can skip a rock across the water... so that last line kind of threw me because I immediately thought of the uh, more athletic types. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I might have said something along the lines of 'took off our shoes and waded/splashed/walked in the water'. Skipping a rock is not a brute strength activity, more of a dexterous, wrist thing. It shows she's fun, can do actual things, not a wallflower. That said, maybe that could be a theme...you're prattling on talking and talking (is this a thing, do you love me, do you, do you?) while she is actually *doing* constructive useful things that demonstrate her love. In the end she leaves you because you won't shut up, ha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 3, 2014 Members Share Posted September 3, 2014 Agree, it's not brute strength... but showing a willingness to engage in sporty, fun activities... just not my experience with women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted September 3, 2014 Members Share Posted September 3, 2014 Then she took my handand we walked down to the riverand threw some stonesand watched them skip across the water. We aren't told that she actually threw any stones. I am seeing an image of playful togetherness at the river shore which, to me, is in nice juxtaposition to the more serious repartee of earlier on. *wave* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 3, 2014 Members Share Posted September 3, 2014 Maybe just change it to "I threw some stones / we watched them skip across the water" to shut me up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 3, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 3, 2014 Maybe just change it to "I threw some stones / we watched them skip across the water" to shut me up? I wouldn't want to shut you up! The thought had occurred to me, after I posted this, that skipping stones is more of a guy thing. However, I have seen girls (i.e., women) do it too. They can be very competitive about it and still be very feminine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted September 3, 2014 Members Share Posted September 3, 2014 What's fun about skipping stones is doing it *together*, seeing who goes farther. So the woman watches while the man performs feats of strength? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted September 4, 2014 Members Share Posted September 4, 2014 Naw, watching her skip stones is eminently cool. The song reminds me of the back-and-forth conversatoin in "Strawberry Fields." Easy, natural flow, sounds like real people. Puts you there in the moment. I think you're ready to build it into a song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted September 4, 2014 Moderators Share Posted September 4, 2014 I think girls are missing that skipping stone gene. I am no sexist by any means. I have a daughter and a wife that can out-guy any guy in lots of areas... but skipping stones? No way. My wife stares in awe as the stone blip-blip-blips over the surface of the water. "Show me how again!" So I give her the run down, the right rock, the angle, the whole bit. And plop... My daughter exactly the same thing. Pretty much every woman who's asked me, "how does that work?" can't seem to grasp it. My two sisters, their friends growing up. Maybe it has to do with the penis as balance or something. That's probably it. This doesn't effect this great lyric in my view but hey, I just felt like sharing darn it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted September 4, 2014 Members Share Posted September 4, 2014 My daughter can skip some stones. She doesn't have a penis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted September 4, 2014 Members Share Posted September 4, 2014 And in the context of this lyric, I think culminating in them skipping stones together is perfect. It's a great image and says a ton about who these characters are and they're relationship without using alot of words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 4, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 4, 2014 I think girls are missing that skipping stone gene. I am no sexist by any means. I have a daughter and a wife that can out-guy any guy in lots of areas... but skipping stones? No way. My wife stares in awe as the stone blip-blip-blips over the surface of the water. "Show me how again!" So I give her the run down, the right rock, the angle, the whole bit. And plop... My daughter exactly the same thing. Pretty much every woman who's asked me, "how does that work?" can't seem to grasp it. My two sisters, their friends growing up. Maybe it has to do with the penis as balance or something. That's probably it. I think it's because women have a different configuration in their elbows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 4, 2014 Members Share Posted September 4, 2014 Having been the one to spark this debate, upon further reflection, I think it's fine as is... it does convey that light/airy/breezy/new relationship kind of vibe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 4, 2014 Members Share Posted September 4, 2014 I do have a penis by the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted September 4, 2014 Members Share Posted September 4, 2014 You know one defintion of "by the way" is "out by the roadside". nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted September 4, 2014 Moderators Share Posted September 4, 2014 My daughter can skip some stones. She doesn't have a penis. That's awesome! And I'm relieved to find out your daughter doesn't have a penis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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