Members dramey Posted August 20, 2014 Members Share Posted August 20, 2014 I've been trying to write this song for 20 years now. I've made some attempts and they were just horrible. This one going in a totally different direction than previous versions but still should get the point across. It's still a bit horrible, but in an intended sort of way... I went and saw a friend of mine play in a bar a couple weeks back and during his second set the jukebox was playing just loud enough to annoy me. On the bright side it gave me the idea to write this from the the working musicians perspective. Nothing really set in stone lyrically yet. I figure I still have time to get them right while I figure out how to record it. I've got the chords down, but right after the bridge I want big hip hop drums to come in, and by the time I get to the last chorus I want all the guitars gone. Just synth instruments and enough auto tune on the vocals to make Cher jealous. I don’t really play keys at all, so that part will take me a while. No f-bombs but its a bit bluer than most of my stuff. I may tone down “tits” but then again I may not. Little Jaime Luv the newest pop sensation, still in school, barely post pubescentWhen she turned 15 daddy bought her some sweet tits and a record dealThey tell her what to sing, how to sing it, how to shake that ass so fineNever been a jealous guy, but I am thinking she just might, be living a life that should be mine For singingOh baby, oh baby baby, all night long.Oh baby, you drive me crazy, all night long. I play the bar scene, lucky to pay the bills oh my.Sometimes the drinks are free, there's other fringe benefits, but its never been enough to survive.Too make matters worse, a little salt in the wound, in the middle of my set last night Some a--hole dropped a dollar on the jukebox, and the damn thing roared to life and Jaime sangOh baby, oh baby baby, all night long.Oh baby, you drive me crazy, all night long. bridgeI fear for all us human beingsour love of bright lights and shiny thingsChop them beats and drop that bass again A few years on Jaime’s doing her third tour of rehabI’m still jealous as hell of everything she hasGonna get gay married to my guitar for the publicity, a personal trainer for each butt cheekMaybe I can keep my street cred if just I sing along ironically and I'll singOh baby, oh baby baby, all night long.Oh baby, you drive me crazy, all night long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 20, 2014 Members Share Posted August 20, 2014 Little Jaime Luv the newest pop sensation, still in school, barely post pubescent When she turned 15 daddy bought her some sweet tits and a record deal They tell her what to sing, how to sing it, how to shake that ass so fine Never been a jealous guy, but I am thinking she just might, be living a life that should be mine For singing Oh baby, oh baby baby, all night long. Oh baby, you drive me crazy, all night long. I play the bar scene, lucky to pay the bills oh my. Sometimes the drinks are free, there's other fringe benefits, but its never been enough to survive. Too make matters worse, a little salt in the wound, in the middle of my set last night Some a--hole dropped a dollar on the jukebox, and the damn thing roared to life and Jaime sang Oh baby, oh baby baby, all night long. Oh baby, you drive me crazy, all night long. bridge I fear for all us human beings our love of bright lights and shiny things Chop them beats and drop that bass again A few years on Jaime’s doing her third tour of rehab I’m still jealous as hell of everything she has Gonna get gay married to my guitar for the publicity, a personal trainer for each butt cheek Maybe I can keep my street cred if just I sing along ironically and I'll sing Oh baby, oh baby baby, all night long. Oh baby, you drive me crazy, all night long. This is great! I can't wait to hear the music! I'm still laughing about "gonna get gay married to my guitar..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 20, 2014 Members Share Posted August 20, 2014 HA One suggestion To tell her what to sing, what to shake, and make sure she always looks fine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 20, 2014 Moderators Share Posted August 20, 2014 I like the general idea of this a lot. I think though... that it's coming off more bitter than funny or mean. And bitter without humor isn't pleasant to hear. When you dive in with a 15 year old barely post pubescent girl and daddy bought her sweet tits... that doesn't come off as insight but comes off creepy. I realize there's venom there that can be used, but the bitter venom sounds more akin to the guy that goes off the rails and becomes a serial rapist of store bought, sweet titted 15 year olds. You come off less likable than the 15 year old. Probably not what you intended. I'd figure out a way to say what you need to say with more style and bite and less leering under the guise of outrage. I don't think you're leering... it just sounds that way. Getting past those stanzas, the lyric starts coming together nicely. The 1 trainer per cheek is silly and not really doing what you need. I gotta say. I like the "jealous" line. It feels the most honest. I focus more on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dramey Posted August 20, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 20, 2014 I wrote him to be bitter. I know a lot of guys like him. They exude pure talent but never get noticed. Then they hit their mid 30s and realize they have no marketable skills and bitterness ensues. I agree that sweet tits on a 15 year old is creepy, just maybe not in the exact same way that you do. Firstly let me say that I hope this exact scenario has never happened, it's meant to be an exaggeration of how they sex up these little girls and make them look older, and appealing in a sexual way, to men that wouldn't normally be attracted to little girls. So even if the protagonist is perving on her a little (and it isn't my intent) the ones that made her up that way are creepy ones, IMHO. I don't think this guy is trying to be funny at all. He's a disillusioned soon to be washed up career bar musician who is bitter as hell. The humor really only comes from observing his plight as a 3d party. The butt cheek line... Yeah, it's pure cheese and I don't like it much myself to be honest, but at that point the entire song should be in full pop mode, if I can pull it off, and the cheesiness should fit perfect. Or I could be completely wrong. I need to get something recorded and see how it all fits together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dramey Posted August 20, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 20, 2014 HA One suggestion To tell her what to sing, what to shake, and make sure she always looks fine I do like this, it makes come off less pervy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 20, 2014 Moderators Share Posted August 20, 2014 Don't get me wrong. I do like it but feel like it's going to be tough to pull off in song form without people hating the singer. I've found myself in this situation many times. Writing to a character. But then... I've got to be that character. It's a tricky tightrope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted August 20, 2014 Members Share Posted August 20, 2014 Yeah, I was a bit put off by the 15 year old line... I know guys like this too. Some of whom have seeminly never written an original tune and only played covers... so why they're bitter, I'll never know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 20, 2014 Members Share Posted August 20, 2014 I think the problem is with "sweet" tits. Also, I don't think it should be her "daddy" that pays for the implants, but someone in the record industry, "A&R bought her a new set of tits..." or something along those lines. I'm still laughing about this idiot getting gay married to his guitar for the publicity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members greennn01 Posted August 27, 2014 Members Share Posted August 27, 2014 nice songs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted September 5, 2014 Members Share Posted September 5, 2014 Good Shinola! A fresh take on the old "Richard Corey" theme of envy for someone who's rich and miserable. You're there. Add music and stir. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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