Well Runs Dry - Input Please

[BenStoller]

I'm still working on this song. Work has been cutting into my composing time, so it's taking me a while to progress. I appreciate all the input on the first version. This version is a bit faster and more folk-rock oriented. It is also restructured.

 

Well Runs Dry 2

Well Runs Dry - by Ben Stoller © 2014

 

Verse:

My radio was drowned out by the factory siren

Workers lined up for their hard earned pay

I had to get away from the boredom and dejection

I tried to keep believing but it slipped away

 

Verse:

I hitched a ride down southbound Highway 67

In no real hurry to get anywhere

Scored a ride in the back of a beat up Chevy pickup

Lay back against my duffel bag in the open air

 

Verse:

We found each other in a downtown cafe

You were reading poetry and drinking herbal tea

We talked about the war and we talked about music

You were trying to decide what you wanted to be.

 

Chorus:

Well, you can’t drink the water from an ocean,

A mirage is nothing to pursue,

There ain’t no denying that I’m addicted to you

Had to find out the hard way

Maybe we’ll meet again some day

 

Verse:

The campus clock tower showed quarter after four

I walked you home under your neighborhood trees,

A Palladian villa with columns and tall windows

Surprised you'd want to be seen with somebody like me?

 

Verse:

We got a small apartment in the south-end of the Village

All the poets and actors you'd want to meet

We danced that night and rode home in a carriage

Pulled by two horses through the city streets

 

Verse:

She headed back home on that rainy day in fall

From the train window she waved goodbye

She said we'd keep on going but I knew that wouldn't happen.

You never miss your water until the well runs dry

 

(chorus)

 

Verse:

We lost each other in open waters,

swimming back through the undertow

The waves of the wonder, had masked the marauder

Time stole our joy, how was I to know?

 

Verse:

We are the shadows of our own making

We’ve all been hurt, it's our destiny

While she was chasing butterflies, puppy dogs, and rainbows

I was following train tracks into the sea

 

(chorus)

[LCK]

I like a lot of the lyric. It's got some great storytelling bits, great imagery. It's a pleasure to read. I also like the vibe of the verses, musically. It feels like it fits the time period and the storyline pretty well.

 

There's a problem right off the bat with the prosody, though, on the line "my radio was drowned out..." That problem pops up throughout the song, too (just not as glaringly as on that first line).

 

The chorus isn't a chorus, though. It kind of stops things dead rather than giving the song a lift. A chorus should be the most memorable part of a song. Your verses are memorable, but your chorus isn't.

 

I hope I haven't been too much of a downer because I like a lot of what you're doing. I'm just pointing out things that *I* think could be improved, that's all.

 

[mbfrancis]

There's a lot to like here. Great rambling vibe...love the music. Love the main melody.

 

For me the big challenge is that is that tonally it feels like 4 or 5 different songs. The first verse (gritty) feels different from the main story leaving town and of meeting the girl (rambly and folksy) which is different from the chorus (odd mix) which is different from the last verse (philosophical). I wish I understood better what you were trying to say, what's the main message here. Maybe I'm slow, but it's not clear to me.

[BenStoller]

@LCK - Thanks for your encouraging words! I agree that the chorus kind of stops the song dead, but that was intentional, because that's kind of what happened to the protagonist. Also, I agree that the first line may need some work.

 

@mbfrancis - Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. It just came out that way. It's just about a guy trying to find his way in the world and gets dumped by his girlfriend. It's just kind of a WTF moment. I agree that the chorus is an "odd mix." It was meant to convey conflicting emotions: pain, anger, and befuddlement.

[BenStoller]

I like a lot of the lyric. It's got some great storytelling bits, great imagery. It's a pleasure to read. I also like the vibe of the verses, musically. It feels like it fits the time period and the storyline pretty well.

 

There's a problem right off the bat with the prosody, though, on the line "my radio was drowned out..." That problem pops up throughout the song, too (just not as glaringly as on that first line).

 

The chorus isn't a chorus, though. It kind of stops things dead rather than giving the song a lift. A chorus should be the most memorable part of a song. Your verses are memorable, but your chorus isn't.

 

I hope I haven't been too much of a downer because I like a lot of what you're doing. I'm just pointing out things that *I* think could be improved, that's all.

LCK, I watched Pat Pattison's songwriting class, week 4 last night and I see what you mean about prosody. There shouldn't be an emphasis on the word "by" in the first line, since it is a preposition. But maybe the line needs to be rewritten since it's passive voice. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll look at the rest of the lines this evening for similar violations.

[LCK]

LCK, I watched Pat Pattison's songwriting class, week 4 last night and I see what you mean about prosody. There shouldn't be an emphasis on the word "by" in the first line, since it is a preposition. But maybe the line needs to be rewritten since it's passive voice. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll look at the rest of the lines this evening for similar violations.

 

No, I was referring to "drowned out." The normal way of saying that would be "drowned out."

 

Completely off topic but Charlie Rose bugs me with this, and he's not even a songwriter. But for instance, for some reason, back when he was doing interviews with scientists involved in the human genome project, they were all saying gee-nome and Rose kept saying juh-nome. Even when they corrected him he still couldn't get the hang of saying it correctly.

 

Now he's on CBS This Morning, and they always start the broadcast with a feature called "this morning's eye opener," Rose always says "eye ope-ner" when everyone else says it correctly "eye opener..." as in, "That's a real eye opener..."

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYKCj9gbN8I

 

[BenStoller]

No, I was referring to "drowned out." The normal way of saying that would be "drowned out."

 

​While I'm no English professor, I believe "drowned" is a verb and "out" is a preposition. Therefore, "drowned" should be emphasized -- not "out."

[mbfrancis]

@mbfrancis - Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. It just came out that way. It's just about a guy trying to find his way in the world and gets dumped by his girlfriend. It's just kind of a WTF moment. I agree that the chorus is an "odd mix." It was meant to convey conflicting emotions: pain, anger, and befuddlement.

 

To me, what comes through is incoherence, sorry. Part of this is the sudden present tense (I'm addicted to you)....it sounds like it's from different song, so I'm confused. FWIW what I've found in the last 2.5 years is that you can take songs from OK to really really good by simply giving them coherence and focus, and a theme, and then ensuring that every line in the lyric really *matters* and lines up to that theme. The song writes itself in a way. You could try that here, or elsewhere.

[LCK]

 

​While I'm no English professor, I believe "drowned" is a verb and "out" is a preposition. Therefore, "drowned" should be emphasized -- not "out."

 

That's not how people speak in normal conversations, which is the goal of good prosody in songwriting,

[BenStoller]

That's not how people speak in normal conversations, which is the goal of good prosody in songwriting,

No, in normal conversation, there's more of an emphasis on "drowned" or equal emphasis on both "drowned" and "out." I'm not sure what part of the country you're from, but putting the emphasis on "out" sounds spastic unless you're angry about it, which the protagonist is not. He's just telling a story in that part of the song.

[greennn01]

I thing metro is well service for drive

[Oswlek]

No, in normal conversation, there's more of an emphasis on "drowned" or equal emphasis on both "drowned" and "out." I'm not sure what part of the country you're from, but putting the emphasis on "out" sounds spastic unless you're angry about it, which the protagonist is not. He's just telling a story in that part of the song.

 

Interesting. I've never in my life heard "drowned out" with the emphasis on "drowned". Is drowned OUT simply a Northeastern thing?

[bee3]

I've heard drowned out plenty here in PA.

[LCK]

No, in normal conversation, there's more of an emphasis on "drowned" or equal emphasis on both "drowned" and "out." I'm not sure what part of the country you're from, but putting the emphasis on "out" sounds spastic...

 

Nope. You haven't really been paying attention to the way most people talk.

 

Either way, in your song, the word drowned sticks out like a sore thumb. Or to put it another way, like bad prosody.