Members VladM Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Just because someone does low skill work does not mean they are a low level human. They are no less of a human than a billionaire and deserve adequate food, water, shelter, financial security, and healthcare. No one makes a billion by themselves. Hoarding that much wealth should be a crime against humanity and I'm sure that in the future, it will be. That money is made on the backs of dedicated workers who get brutalized in this pyramid scheme. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDl5_vnKMYo When the sun goes down all the workers go To the one place that they hardly ever know been toiling, persecuted brutalized by fear Their owner lives in luxury that doubles every year Not much to eat tonight, the light bill was just payed The owner takes his jet to his summer home in Spain No they want no luxury no shimmering fountain They just want some dinner for their only son Profiteer scum, keeps leeching on and on With no regard for any of the damage he has done Profiteer scum, will put us in our grave As he swipes away the last bread crumbs on our plate He stocks his millions in banks on distant shores The worker's son finds joy in seven year old toys The money sucking pig has no soul inside The worker's soul shines on, long after he dies There is no future in this kind of life The game is fixed and there is nowhere to hide The worker is shackled and must keep toiling on Its inhumane, its brutal, but nothing can be done Profiteer scum, look at what you made We toil on for hours, live in barren graves Profiteer scum we're sick of all your lies You steal our fair wages, but you won't take our pride The owner has guns and politicians on his side Won't hesitate to hurt the weak, the poor, the blind He has no life morals, all sense of conscience gone Let's hope he dies painfully, let's hope he has no son Profiteer scum, keeps leeching dusk to dawn With no regard for human life other than his own Profiteer scum, in distant tales they'll say Bought himself a monument, sold his soul away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Hey Vlad--I think by in large you achieve what you set out to do here. I could nitpick some of the rhymes, especially in your "profiteer scum" stanzas (choruses) should really have tighter rhymes, vs. the half rhymes you have here (grave/plate, made/graves, lies/pride).The bigger challenge with this song is the simplicity/cartoonishness/reductiveness of the politics. Basically by coming out and saying , “rich people who own businesses are evil, poor people who work there are saints” – which most people, no matter their politics, don’t believe - you are losing anyone who doesn’t already agree with you. I.e., this song will not convince anyone of anything - you are preaching to a small choir. If you’re OK with that, then fine, but it seems like you’re trying to have a greater impact, no? Hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Agree with Martin. For me, musically, it runs out of steam fairly quickly. There is no variation in melody, chord structure... no distinguishable chorus. If it were me, I'd write a chorus and add a musical section... some kind of bridge... something to hold the listener's interest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Ayn Rand called to say communism doesn't work Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 I couldn't help that last comment. I do agree with Martin though, even though my politics are probably more in keeping with yours than my previous post might might lead you to believe. I think you're telling us all about the scum, but it would be more effective if you showed us why they are scum. An example... With no regard for any of the damage he has done What damage has he done? All you've told us is that he has money and the people that work for him don't. Has he polluted water? Has he sent jobs overseas (and spends all his resources supporting politicians who don't want to support and programs that will help his workers here that lost jobs)? There is plenty of stuff to bitch about, but I don't think you're doing it effectively because we aren't getting specifics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Hey Vlad-- I think by in large you achieve what you set out to do here. I could nitpick some of the rhymes, especially in your "profiteer scum" stanzas (choruses) should really have tighter rhymes, vs. the half rhymes you have here (grave/plate, made/graves, lies/pride). The bigger challenge with this song is the simplicity/cartoonishness/reductiveness of the politics. Basically by coming out and saying , “rich people who own businesses are evil, poor people who work there are saints” – which most people, no matter their politics, don’t believe - you are losing anyone who doesn’t already agree with you. I.e., this song will not convince anyone of anything - you are preaching to a small choir. If you’re OK with that, then fine, but it seems like you’re trying to have a greater impact, no? Hope this helps. You could try taking a different tone. Perhaps seem to side with the profiteers, but do so in a way that while what you're saying seems to sound like you're on their side actually outlines their moral failings. If you keep this attack-based mode, I would narrow things down a bit and be more specific. There are a few billionaires -- Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, maybe George Soros -- who've made a pledge to give half their money to do good works (Soros may have been doing this long before Gates and Buffett did). So skin the Koch brothers and their ilk, by all means, but remember money in and of itself isn't evil, neither is being rich. There are good guys and bad guys on both sides. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 While a lot of us here would rather write protest material with a more nuanced viewpoint, there's a time and place for angry placards and rallying slogans. Reduced, oversimplified, sure, but the sharpest point covers the least ground (technically, that's not a mixed metaphorsmiley-veryhappy) So, having gotten behind the song in this way, I do have to say that the music does not carry the message. No heat, no rage, not really even an elevated blood pressure in the delivery. Someone might say that's not a song-writing criticism, but the delivery is part of the message, part of the basic idea of any song. The simple chord structure and repeating melody...well, it could totally work if some good punk band could get hold of it. I can hear some hard-strumming Scottish band belting this song out with fury and spit. Diction-wise, you need to run a cliche-check and a "poesy"-check over all the lyrics. game is fixedsold his soulnowhere to hideshimmering fountaindistant talesetc. Keep working, you've got some nice phrases and a message you believe in....these are good major ingredients that just need some recipe adjustments. And some jalepenos. nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 So skin the Koch brothers and their ilk' date=' by all means, but remember money in and of itself isn't evil, neither is being rich. There are good guys and bad guys on both sides.[/quote'] Not according to the lyric. While a lot of us here would rather write protest material with a more nuanced viewpoint' date=' there's a time and place for angry placards and rallying slogans. Reduced, oversimplified, sure, but the sharpest point covers the least ground (technically, that's not a mixed metaphorsmiley-veryhappy)[/quote'] Agreed, there's a place for rallying the troops, but the lyrics here limit the size of that army severely. Why not make the case (as Rhino suggests) and grow the size of the troop base? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VladM Posted August 13, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 13, 2014 Interesting comments above. In the final version I would like to keep the attack perspective on the owners but I will play fingerstyle guitar I have noticed the strumming on this is very muted. Why are they scum? It could be because wages paid to low skill workers do not support basic life necessities. Humans are one species. There is no need to compete for food, water, and shelter while we have it all in abundance. Ants don't do this. Dolphins don't do this. Gorillas don't do this. Why do some humans feel the need to stockpile masses of wealth while their fellow citizens are starving. If that's not the definition of scum I don't know what is. There is an abundance of wealth that can easily provide this for every person on the planet. The only reason this does not happen is that those who control the wealth refuse to distribute it in a way that benefits the species and moves civilization forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted August 13, 2014 Members Share Posted August 13, 2014 I'm a bit short of cash Vlad. Can you lend me a couple of bucks? (Sorry... couldn't resist) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 13, 2014 Members Share Posted August 13, 2014 You need to get specific, because by saying "they" and generalizing things, you're dehumanizing them, which in a way is kind of what you're accusing them of doing. You're passionate about this, and justifiably so, but you're either ignoring some facts or are ignorant of them. Look at the difference between Walmart and Costco. They both provide low priced general goods. Walmart does it by paying their workers really poorly, not providing benefits, and expecting the government to pick up the slack with social welfare programs all the while lobbying the government to stay out of the way of business. Big F U to Wally World. Costco pays their employees really well, provides benefits, and still has prices comparable to Walmart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted August 13, 2014 Members Share Posted August 13, 2014 Ants don't do this. Dolphins don't do this. Gorillas don't do this. Sure they do. Jaguars live solitary lives, marking their territory with claw marks and waste. If another member of their species infringes on their property they kick him the hell out, even if it means killing him. He doesn't care if the other guy has nowhere else to go and may end up starving. Get out. I've personally witnessed one group of ants completely wiping out another over the course of an afternoon. Animals don't stockpile because they simply don't (and can't in most cases) accumulate possessions. But the one thing they have, territory, is very important to them. The natural world is far more hostile than you seem to think. Of course, we've all seen images of cooperation and compassion, but the same happens in the human race as well. Most of those instances in the wild generally occur within a tight knit family or community, with those same creatures displaying terrifying ferocity if an outsider comes along. Why do some humans feel the need to stockpile masses of wealth while their fellow citizens are starving. If that's not the definition of scum I don't know what is. I'll grant you that there are plenty of examples of people earning/accruing wealth so far beyond their ability to spend that it defies comprehension. It is something I've riled against and written several songs about. It is even more despicable when you realize that a good number of them do so with the full knowledge that they are going to cause a great deal of harm to their customers, company and/or society as a whole. But you need to draw a more definitive line. Your comments, stretched to their logical conclusion, are basically supporting communism. I'm thankful I never lived under such a system, but my wife did. Trust me when I tell you it is no picnic. The lack of a line also implies that someone like me, middle class with a comfortable-if-not-extravagant life is a sleaze because I don't invest more time and money in those beneath me. I mean, I'm not remotely the poster child for excess, but I have a bigger TV than I really need (though I only have one!), I have three computers and two handheld devices (four if I count the kids' leapsters), I'm putting an addition on the house that I really don't need that costs nearly as much as what I paid in the first place. At what point am I allowed to invest in my own comfort? At what point is it too much? I think these are some questions you need to consider and have stronger answers for if you want the lyric to have more punch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 13, 2014 Members Share Posted August 13, 2014 Interesting points, Os. I'd add I don't think the world has ever really seen true communism. The countries that have paraded themselves as communist had some pretty serious corruption going and there was definitely a great disparity of wealth between the ruling class and the common man. I think the closest we've seen was some Native American Cultures, but it wasn't like they were all about helping their fellow man. If you were in another tribe the death could be pretty brutal. The reason why capitalism is here is because it works. It takes mans own selfishness and uses it to drive an economy. It's brilliant. I'm not saying that there couldn't be a better way, but I don't know that there is a more practical one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 13, 2014 Members Share Posted August 13, 2014 Inequality is rising in the US but reducing on a global level. There are billions of workers in Asia who have seen rising wages over the past few decades due to globalization. http://www.npr.org/blogs/money/2014/08/12/338347325/inequality-is-falling-on-planet-earth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted August 13, 2014 Members Share Posted August 13, 2014 I don't disagree, Ryan. The essence of Communism (what I know about it) is somewhat noble. But someone needs to be in charge, deciding who gets what when and how much, so all you need is a few wrong people in the wrong place and the whole thing crumbles. The Native American comment is interesting. I only have a surface level understanding of their culture, but I'd wager that those communities were quite small. It's harder to screw over your friends and family than some nameless peasant hundreds of miles away. It's the same reason why local politics often shares little resemblance to national. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted August 13, 2014 Members Share Posted August 13, 2014 I think the OP is probably satisfied with the level of discussion his lyric has generated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted August 13, 2014 Members Share Posted August 13, 2014 I think the OP is probably satisfied with the level of discussion his lyric has generated. Well, he doesn't need to convince *us* of anything - his lyric needs to convince the listener. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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