Members Soujiro707 Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Any ideas to improve lyrics/melody/overall structure? http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=12883563&q=hi&newref=1 What would you be without me dearShe smiles and takes a sip of wineI whisper back my bags are already packedI'm sure that I will be just fine And she says there goes my babyrolling down that rusty roadchasing down the setting sunaway from winter's jelous cold I saved that shirt I was wearingwith blood red beating in the weavemy tongue is silver but my talk is tinwhile your words echo endlessly they say there goes my babyrolling down that rusty roadchasing down that setting sunbefore he grows too old Shadows perched upon my eyelidsfevered dreams in harbored nestsbluebirds carved into the night skytheir refrain sounds with every breath and it says there goes my babyrolling down that rusty roadmaybe some day he'll catch the sunthen he'll be coming home Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Nice song. You have some good writing here and a nice melody. Here are my observations that may improve the song: Structure: We are hearing the chorus 6 times. Perhaps keep it to a single run between the verses and only do the doubling at the end. Chorus: Your lines have a nice extended flow to them, but you might like to try capping the flow in the final line by shortening it to, Away from winter's cold. which then ties in with the cadence of Before he grows too old . Prosody: There are a couple of spots where the prosody could be smoothed out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 The chorus stuck in my head after I'd finished listening. So that's a good thing. I agree with OGP though that it's probably better not to over use it. I like some of the imagery, other bits I'm not sure about. "I'm sure that I will be just fine" and "Shadows perched upon my eyelids" seem forced. I like the idea of shadows perching on your eyelids, I just think "upon" sounds a little starchy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 I loved it, even with the doubles, through the second chorus. From there is started to drag. Removing the doubles might make it pass quicker, or it might be worth seeing how it sounds ending around the 2:30 mark. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Soujiro707 Posted August 12, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Maybe i'll only double up the chorus for the last section and add a small bridge. I initially had the chorus a single time but it didn't feel substantial enough. It could be the repetition of lyrics in the chorus that makes it drag. I'll try and trim some fat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 If you are planning on writing a bridge, then I'd consider keeping the doubles and replacing V3 with the bridge. V1Cx2V2Cx2BCx2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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