Members rsadasiv Posted August 11, 2014 Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 To the right and the leftIs all rock and sandThe river cleaves a furrow in the desert He sets down his packKicks the dust from his bootsAnd sits under a cottonwood to wait Beneath the distant pale blueOf the mid afternoonThe air is quiet and still Till a speck on the landscapeGrows into a shadowAnd eventually morphs into a man "This GPS ****************Is ****************ing amazingWish I'd had it all those years ago But I still rememberNot much else to doIt's that mesa past the canyonsIn the middle over there" Look into your heartAnd tell me what you loveLook into your soulAnd tell me what you ownBecause the desert's soul is emptyAnd the mesa's made of stone They refill their water and re-shoulder their packsAnd head off towards the center of threeAnd four hours later they rehydrate their dinnerAnd roll out their bedrolls to sleep In the first light of dawnThey head off againAnd walk through the rest of the day In the evening they campBy the long flat topped shadowWatching the sun slip away "You think it's still thereAfter all this timeWhere we left it, buried, alone" "Yes it's still thereNothing has changedI can feel it, deep in my bones" Look into your heartAnd tell me what you loveLook into your soulAnd tell me what you ownBecause the desert's soul is emptyAnd the mesa's made of stone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 11, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 They refill their water and re-shoulder their packsAnd head off towards the center of threeAnd four hours later they rehydrate their dinnerAnd roll out their bedrolls to sleep In the first light of dawnThey head off againAnd walk through the rest of the day In the evening they campBy the long flat topped shadowWatching, with nothing to say Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 11, 2014 Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 To the right and the left Is all rock and sand The river cleaves a farrow in the desert He sets down his pack Kicks the dust from his boots And sits under a cottonwood to wait Beneath the distant pale blue Of the mid afternoon The air is quiet and still Till a speck on the landscape Grows into a shadow And eventually morphs into a man "This GPS **************** Is ****************ing amazing Wish I'd had it all those years ago But I still remember Not much else to do It's that butte, in the middle Over there" Interesting story, good imagery. Two things: I think you mean furrow not farrow. (A farrow is a litter or piglets.) And morphs may be the wrong word for this story. I felt like it took me out of the narrative. Other than that it's really good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 11, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 Interesting story, good imagery. Two things: I think you mean furrow not farrow. (A farrow is a litter or piglets.) And morphs may be the wrong word for this story. I felt like it took me out of the narrative. Other than that it's really good. Ha - one letter makes all the difference, doesn't it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 11, 2014 Moderators Share Posted August 11, 2014 This is really great writing. By that I mean, you have this story in your head, and the way you use words to tell that story... it's pretty dang skillful. BUT! Picture a 10 year old Ram, or a 40 year old Ram for that matter, sitting in a theater watching the original Planet of the Apes for the first time. Nobody's dropped any spoilers (spoiler alert if you haven't seen the orig ) and you're nearing the end of the picture and this happens... We finally really did it. [falls to his knees screaming] YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! OH, DAMN YOU! GODDAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! And they never pan to show the half buried Statue of Liberty. Yes, that might make an awesome ending as well. There are a lot of GREAT stories that do just that. BUT! Not without considering some considerable consideration. If the twist is... up on that butte, we don't know if it's a dead body or treasure or his Penthouse stash from childhood, or Walt's meth money... that is a hook, but it is also a little gimmicky. For my taste. I only mention this because with some more work, what is up on that butte, or what the butte means to them, THAT can be a hook. As it stands right now I don't think you really know. At which point I turn off. Mean author. Meany! Or maybe that's just me. I'm not a guy who gets upset when a movie fails to deliver a Hollywood ending. But it better makes sense artistically. This doesn't quite yet for me. But seriously great writing. This is you at your finest in a lot of ways. Completely unpretentious. An engrossing story... but one little thing is missing. A 'why". A "what". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 11, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 If the twist is... up on that butte, we don't know if it's a dead body or treasure or his Penthouse stash from childhood, or Walt's meth money... that is a hook, but it is also a little gimmicky. For my taste. I only mention this because with some more work, what is up on that butte, or what the butte means to them, THAT can be a hook. As it stands right now I don't think you really know. At which point I turn off. Mean author. Meany! Very true. I don't know yet. The initial scene has a 'Treasure of the Sierra Madre" vibe to it, but I'm thinking that there are people living on top of the butte, some kind of isolated Native American village. The other possibility was a family of innocent campers, but that seems a little pat/horror. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 11, 2014 Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 This is really great writing.... But seriously great writing. This is you at your finest in a lot of ways. Completely unpretentious. An engrossing story... but one little thing is missing. A 'why". A "what". < They both go hand in hand. agreed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 11, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 Look into your heartAnd tell me what you loveLook into you heartTell me what you love Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 11, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 Because the desert's soul is emptyAnd the butte's heart is made of stone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 11, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 I think butte is going to be a problem - I would have to hear it several times in context to not think that the word is "beaut"-iful. 100_3465 by rsadasiv, on Flickr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 11, 2014 Moderators Share Posted August 11, 2014 mesa? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted August 11, 2014 Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 You people that can generate quality lyrics/words/poems/etc... at will make me sick. At least I can take comfort knowing that I can beat you in Words With Fr... oh nevermind, you're killing me in that too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 You people that can generate quality lyrics/words/poems/etc... at will make me sick. At least I can take comfort knowing that I can beat you in Words With Fr... oh nevermind, you're killing me in that too. Quit whining and get back to your keyboard…… But seriously Justin - I know you have to work hard at it, but you produce a good result. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 I like the sparseness of the song - that should be retained to reflect the wide open spaces.But I agree it needs some why and what, unless of course you want to capture the essence of Harry Dean Stanton in the opening scene of Paris Texas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 12, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Second draft. I still don't know what they buried up there on the mesa. He sets down his packKicks the dust from his bootsWaits neath a cottonwood tree Till a speck on the landscapeLengthens to shadowAnd that familiar face is what he sees In the first light of dawnThey head off againAnd walk through the rest of the day In the evening they campBy the long flat topped shadowWatching the sun slip away Look into your heartAnd tell me what you loveLook into your soulAnd tell me what you ownBecause the soul of the desertIs a cold empty placeAnd the heart of the mesaIs made out of stone "You think it's still thereAfter all this timeWhere we left it, buried, alone" "Yes it's still thereNothing has changedI can feel it, deep in my bones" Look into your heartAnd tell me what you loveLook into your soulAnd tell me what you ownBecause the soul of the desertIs a cold empty placeAnd the heart of the mesaIs made out of stone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 12, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 I like the sparseness of the song - that should be retained to reflect the wide open spaces. But I agree it needs some why and what, unless of course you want to capture the essence of Harry Dean Stanton in the opening scene of Paris Texas. That's a great scene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Now that's really something! Nice work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 It's coming on nicely - maybe they left something (someone) there - it doesn't have to be buried. The chorus is good - maybe leave off the 1st two 'Ands' and let the verb emphasise the beat. Look into your heartTell me what you loveLook into your soulTell me what you ownBecause the soul of the desertIs a cold empty placeAnd the heart of the mesaIs made out of stone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 I vote for gay porn stash. Or a buried treasure that melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant. Or something with some menace...but nothing happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 12, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant? My 13 year old son was growing out the facial hair on his upper lip. I was at a party with the parents of another 13 year old boy from my son's class; we were discussing some of the various maturation issues that were occurring in our households, and I mentioned that "<my son> was growing a porn 'stache". The mother of my son's friend took that as a segue to open a discussion her son's growing porn stash. TMI. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2014 Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2014 How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant? Excellent name for your new album. Rockin Rhino' - "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" Critics agree. Rockin' Rhino's latest, the wonderful "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" not only makes you want to get up and dance, but makes you think while you shake it.If you've never heard Rhino before, get ready to have you life changed. And if you're already a fan? Rhino's "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" will be like seeing an old friend with some new wrinkles and twists. What would happen if Scissor Sisters, Right Said Fred and Woody Guthrie were to have some laughs over a few beers? "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" That's what! And you grow one of those HUGE caterpillar porn 'stashes Ram's son sports. The pic will have you looking over your shoulder busted, as you quickly try to shove what ever it was you were looking at under a stack on your desk. This is going to be big. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 14, 2014 Members Share Posted August 14, 2014 ^^^ We probably should ask Lee to write the liner notes for our albums……....png.197c47f720636f02390cc2b0a33804da.png' alt='smiley-veryhappy'> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted August 17, 2014 Members Share Posted August 17, 2014 Wait.....I really liked: The river cleaves a furrow in the desert Especially the last part....furrow in the desert. Say it a few times. There something about how the words roll out. Just sayin'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 18, 2014 Members Share Posted August 18, 2014 Excellent name for your new album. Rockin Rhino' - "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" Critics agree. Rockin' Rhino's latest, the wonderful "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" not only makes you want to get up and dance, but makes you think while you shake it.If you've never heard Rhino before, get ready to have you life changed. And if you're already a fan? Rhino's "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" will be like seeing an old friend with some new wrinkles and twists. What would happen if Scissor Sisters, Right Said Fred and Woody Guthrie were to have some laughs over a few beers? "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" That's what! And you grow one of those HUGE caterpillar porn 'stashes Ram's son sports. The pic will have you looking over your shoulder busted, as you quickly try to shove what ever it was you were looking at under a stack on your desk. This is going to be big. HAHAHAHHAH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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