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Germ Of Something (8/11)


rsadasiv

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To the right and the left

Is all rock and sand

The river cleaves a furrow in the desert

 

He sets down his pack

Kicks the dust from his boots

And sits under a cottonwood to wait

 

Beneath the distant pale blue

Of the mid afternoon

The air is quiet and still

 

Till a speck on the landscape

Grows into a shadow

And eventually morphs into a man

 

"This GPS ****************

Is ****************ing amazing

Wish I'd had it all those years ago

 

But I still remember

Not much else to do

It's that mesa past the canyons

In the middle over there"

 

Look into your heart

And tell me what you love

Look into your soul

And tell me what you own

Because the desert's soul is empty

And the mesa's made of stone

 

They refill their water and re-shoulder their packs

And head off towards the center of three

And four hours later they rehydrate their dinner

And roll out their bedrolls to sleep

 

In the first light of dawn

They head off again

And walk through the rest of the day

 

In the evening they camp

By the long flat topped shadow

Watching the sun slip away

 

"You think it's still there

After all this time

Where we left it, buried, alone"

 

"Yes it's still there

Nothing has changed

I can feel it, deep in my bones"

 

Look into your heart

And tell me what you love

Look into your soul

And tell me what you own

Because the desert's soul is empty

And the mesa's made of stone

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They refill their water and re-shoulder their packs

And head off towards the center of three

And four hours later they rehydrate their dinner

And roll out their bedrolls to sleep

 

In the first light of dawn

They head off again

And walk through the rest of the day

 

In the evening they camp

By the long flat topped shadow

Watching, with nothing to say

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To the right and the left

Is all rock and sand

The river cleaves a farrow in the desert

 

He sets down his pack

Kicks the dust from his boots

And sits under a cottonwood to wait

 

Beneath the distant pale blue

Of the mid afternoon

The air is quiet and still

 

Till a speck on the landscape

Grows into a shadow

And eventually morphs into a man

 

"This GPS ****************

Is ****************ing amazing

Wish I'd had it all those years ago

 

But I still remember

Not much else to do

It's that butte, in the middle

Over there"

 

 

 

Interesting story, good imagery.

 

Two things:

 

I think you mean furrow not farrow. (A farrow is a litter or piglets.) And morphs may be the wrong word for this story. I felt like it took me out of the narrative.

 

Other than that it's really good.

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Interesting story, good imagery.

 

Two things:

 

I think you mean furrow not farrow. (A farrow is a litter or piglets.) And morphs may be the wrong word for this story. I felt like it took me out of the narrative.

 

Other than that it's really good.

 

Ha - one letter makes all the difference, doesn't it. ;)

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This is really great writing. By that I mean, you have this story in your head, and the way you use words to tell that story... it's pretty dang skillful. BUT! :) Picture a 10 year old Ram, or a 40 year old Ram for that matter, sitting in a theater watching the original Planet of the Apes for the first time. Nobody's dropped any spoilers (spoiler alert if you haven't seen the orig :)) and you're nearing the end of the picture and this happens...

 

We finally really did it. [falls to his knees screaming] YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! OH, DAMN YOU! GODDAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

 

And they never pan to show the half buried Statue of Liberty. Yes, that might make an awesome ending as well. There are a lot of GREAT stories that do just that. BUT! :) Not without considering some considerable consideration.

 

If the twist is... up on that butte, we don't know if it's a dead body or treasure or his Penthouse stash from childhood, or Walt's meth money... that is a hook, but it is also a little gimmicky. For my taste. I only mention this because with some more work, what is up on that butte, or what the butte means to them, THAT can be a hook. As it stands right now I don't think you really know. At which point I turn off. Mean author. Meany! :)

 

Or maybe that's just me. I'm not a guy who gets upset when a movie fails to deliver a Hollywood ending. But it better makes sense artistically. This doesn't quite yet for me.

 

But seriously great writing. This is you at your finest in a lot of ways. Completely unpretentious. An engrossing story... but one little thing is missing. A 'why". A "what".

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If the twist is... up on that butte, we don't know if it's a dead body or treasure or his Penthouse stash from childhood, or Walt's meth money... that is a hook, but it is also a little gimmicky. For my taste. I only mention this because with some more work, what is up on that butte, or what the butte means to them, THAT can be a hook. As it stands right now I don't think you really know. At which point I turn off. Mean author. Meany! :)

 

Very true. I don't know yet. The initial scene has a 'Treasure of the Sierra Madre" vibe to it, but I'm thinking that there are people living on top of the butte, some kind of isolated Native American village. The other possibility was a family of innocent campers, but that seems a little pat/horror.

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This is really great writing....

 

But seriously great writing. This is you at your finest in a lot of ways. Completely unpretentious. An engrossing story... but one little thing is missing. A 'why". A "what". < They both go hand in hand.

 

agreed

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You people that can generate quality lyrics/words/poems/etc... at will make me sick. At least I can take comfort knowing that I can beat you in Words With Fr... oh nevermind, you're killing me in that too.

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You people that can generate quality lyrics/words/poems/etc... at will make me sick. At least I can take comfort knowing that I can beat you in Words With Fr... oh nevermind, you're killing me in that too.

Quit whining and get back to your keyboard……smiley-wink

But seriously Justin - I know you have to work hard at it, but you produce a good result.

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Second draft. I still don't know what they buried up there on the mesa.

 

He sets down his pack

Kicks the dust from his boots

Waits neath a cottonwood tree

 

Till a speck on the landscape

Lengthens to shadow

And that familiar face is what he sees

 

In the first light of dawn

They head off again

And walk through the rest of the day

 

In the evening they camp

By the long flat topped shadow

Watching the sun slip away

 

Look into your heart

And tell me what you love

Look into your soul

And tell me what you own

Because the soul of the desert

Is a cold empty place

And the heart of the mesa

Is made out of stone

 

"You think it's still there

After all this time

Where we left it, buried, alone"

 

"Yes it's still there

Nothing has changed

I can feel it, deep in my bones"

 

Look into your heart

And tell me what you love

Look into your soul

And tell me what you own

Because the soul of the desert

Is a cold empty place

And the heart of the mesa

Is made out of stone

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I like the sparseness of the song - that should be retained to reflect the wide open spaces.

But I agree it needs some why and what, unless of course you want to capture the essence of Harry Dean Stanton in the opening scene of Paris Texas.

 

That's a great scene.

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It's coming on nicely - maybe they left something (someone) there - it doesn't have to be buried.

 

The chorus is good - maybe leave off the 1st two 'Ands' and let the verb emphasise the beat.

 

Look into your heart

Tell me what you love

Look into your soul

Tell me what you own

Because the soul of the desert

Is a cold empty place

And the heart of the mesa

Is made out of stone

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How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?

 

My 13 year old son was growing out the facial hair on his upper lip. I was at a party with the parents of another 13 year old boy from my son's class; we were discussing some of the various maturation issues that were occurring in our households, and I mentioned that "<my son> was growing a porn 'stache". The mother of my son's friend took that as a segue to open a discussion her son's growing porn stash.

 

TMI. :facepalm:

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How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?

 

 

Excellent name for your new album.

 

Rockin Rhino' - "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?"

 

Critics agree. Rockin' Rhino's latest, the wonderful "​How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" not only makes you want to get up and dance, but makes you think while you shake it.If you've never heard Rhino before, get ready to have you life changed. And if you're already a fan? Rhino's "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" will be like seeing an old friend with some new wrinkles and twists. What would happen if Scissor Sisters, Right Said Fred and Woody Guthrie were to have some laughs over a few beers? "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" That's what!

 

And you grow one of those HUGE caterpillar porn 'stashes Ram's son sports. The pic will have you looking over your shoulder busted, as you quickly try to shove what ever it was you were looking at under a stack on your desk.

 

This is going to be big.

 

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Excellent name for your new album.

 

Rockin Rhino' - "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?"

 

Critics agree. Rockin' Rhino's latest, the wonderful "​How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" not only makes you want to get up and dance, but makes you think while you shake it.If you've never heard Rhino before, get ready to have you life changed. And if you're already a fan? Rhino's "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" will be like seeing an old friend with some new wrinkles and twists. What would happen if Scissor Sisters, Right Said Fred and Woody Guthrie were to have some laughs over a few beers? "How about a gay porn stash that is so awesome it melts your face like the Ark of the Covenant?" That's what!

 

And you grow one of those HUGE caterpillar porn 'stashes Ram's son sports. The pic will have you looking over your shoulder busted, as you quickly try to shove what ever it was you were looking at under a stack on your desk.

 

This is going to be big.

 

 

HAHAHAHHAH

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