Members oldgitplayer Posted August 11, 2014 Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 I'm not sure what my mood was half an hour ago, but I felt like writing, and this is what appeared on the page.It's one of those that had no thought either preceding it or during the writing - it's just a mood in words. Any suggestions for developing a narrative? Crazy Blood If your life's been stolenBy a thousand silent thievesAnd your dreams have all been strangledThere's just no time to grieveYou stand with both hands emptyThere never was a prizeThe time has come my friendTo taste the compromiseI know it is so bitterAnd mangles up your faceBut compromise is eaten byA broken human race Oh the sins of all the fathersAre running through our veinsHearts are pumping crazy bloodRound and round again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 11, 2014 Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 Good. Suggestive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 11, 2014 Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 I don't have any suggestions, but I think you're on to something good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted August 11, 2014 Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 Love it, has teeth + weight. I really want to see something real though at some point, it's all super general/universal so far - what does it mean on the ground, what actual things does it (crazy blood) make us do. A lot of great telling at this point, need to start showing, I think. Very nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 11, 2014 Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 Love it, has teeth + weight. I really want to see something real though at some point, it's all super general/universal so far - what does it mean on the ground, what actual things does it (crazy blood) make us do. A lot of great telling at this point, need to start showing, I think. Very nice. I disagree. I think it manages to show while maintaining the super general/universal thing. I think it was Tom Waits that said people end up in one of four places; a bar room, a jail, a church, or a cemetery and songs were a way to explore that. That might be something to touch on with this, and that would answer the what does it make us do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 11, 2014 Moderators Share Posted August 11, 2014 Wow! I love this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted August 11, 2014 Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 So far so good Phil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted August 11, 2014 Members Share Posted August 11, 2014 I disagree. I think it manages to show while maintaining the super general/universal thing. I think it was Tom Waits that said people end up in one of four places; a bar room, a jail, a church, or a cemetery and songs were a way to explore that. That might be something to touch on with this, and that would answer the what does it make us do. Life, thieves, dreams, time, you, hands, prize, time, compromise, it, face, compromise, human race, sins, fathers, veins, hearts, blood These are all universal and/or figurative: I guess I would love some actual nouns of actual stuff I could hang onto. This isn't a show vs tell comment for it's own sake: so far it's exceptional telling. I just think to make all these pronouncements you need some credibility, and to do that you have to give some examples. Otherwise it's all just a bleak opinion, no matter how well stated, and if I don't agree with your assumptions, you've lost me. I could well be wrong, though - everything is awesome so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 12, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Thanks guys - it is probably worth developing then.Martin - I intend framing the universality somehow within a hint of narrative, but that will be in the next phase of writing.Rhino - I like those words - barroom, jailhouse, church, graveyard. I feel them as part of the song. I think that's the Muse at the door……….. Oh the sins of all the fathersAre running through our veinsHearts are pumping crazy bloodRound and round againFlowing in the bar roomCooling in the jailBleeding on the stone floored churchWhere tombstone banshees wail I guess you would have thoughtIt perished in the floodBut Noah and his familyMust have carried crazy blood Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Some people got the crazy heartSome people got a crazy loveBut as for me all I ever gotWas a body full of crazy blood Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 12, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 ^^^That's great as a Chorus or Bridge. I'll just change one word: Some people got the crazy heartSome people got a crazy loveBut as for me all I ever gotWas a head full of crazy blood Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 12, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 So here's where it's up to - still unstructured or narrative driven, but just a bunch of ideas: Crazy Blood If your life's been stolen By a thousand silent thievesAnd your dreams have all been strangledThere's just no time to grieveYou stand with both hands emptyThere never was a prizeThe time has come my friendTo taste the compromiseI know it is so bitterAnd puckers up your faceBut compromise is eaten byA broken human race Oh the sins of all the fathersAre running through our veinsHearts are pumping crazy bloodRound and round againFlowing in the bar roomCooling in the jailBleeding on the stone floored church'fore graveyard's last travail I guess you would have thoughtIt perished in the floodBut Noah and his familyMust have carried crazy blood Some people got the crazy heartSome people got a crazy loveBut as for me, all I gotWas a head full of crazy blood Sometimes something gets to you There's not much you can do When driven by the crazy blood That runs inside of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Some people got the crazy heartSome people got a crazy loveBut as for me, all I gotIs a mind fueled by crazy blood Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 I love it with the exception of these three lines: There never was a prizeThe time has come my friendTo taste the compromise ^These^ feel like filler connecting the dramatic thoughts rather than a cohesive part of them. I was 100% sold right from the get go until hitting these lines. After them I was on board again, but I was out of the song for a moment there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 The time has come my friendTo taste the compromiseI know it is so bitterAnd puckers up your faceBut compromise is eaten byA broken human race I think this ^ bit needs working on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 The time has come my friend To taste the compromise I know it is so bitter And puckers up your face But compromise is eaten by A broken human race The lyric is much stronger now! Nice changes. That said, I think this ^ bit needs working on. The word compromise feels too preachy, plus you've repeated it. Also, I'm not sure if I like "puckers up your face" (or not) for several reasons. One is that I think sour tastes are what make our mouths (not our faces) pucker while bitter tastes hit us more in the back of the throat. Both certainly cause us to make "a face," but do our faces pucker? On the one hand it's really good imagery. On the other it feels a bit inauthentic. And finally, "a broken human race" sounds too writerly to me. You mileage may vary, of course... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 The time has come my friend To taste the compromise I know it is so bitter And puckers up your face But compromise is eaten by A broken human race I think this ^ bit needs working on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 12, 2014 Moderators Share Posted August 12, 2014 So here's where it's up to - still unstructured or narrative driven, but just a bunch of ideas: Crazy Blood If your life's been stolen By a thousand silent thieves And your dreams have all been strangled There's just no time to grieve You stand with both hands empty There never was a prize The time has come my friend To taste the compromise I know it is so bitter And puckers up your face But compromise is eaten by A broken human race Oh the sins of all the fathers Are running through our veins Hearts are pumping crazy blood Round and round again Flowing in the bar room Cooling in the jail Bleeding on the stone floored church 'fore graveyard's last travail I guess you would have thought It perished in the flood But Noah and his family Must have carried crazy blood Some people got the crazy heart Some people got a crazy love But as for me, all I got Was a head full of crazy blood Sometimes something gets to you There's not much you can do When driven by the crazy blood That runs inside of you. wow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 That second verse is really good. REALLY good. That being said I think you need to revisit the last half of the first. The time has come my friendto taste the compromise I know it is so bitter I think those three things can be said in one line. ...taste bitter compromise I'm not sure how I feel about repeating the word compromise. You could say something like piled high and eaten to sustain a broken human race You also might consider changing 'But as for me' to something that applies to everybody. Some people got the crazy heartSome people got a crazy loveone thing we all gotis a head full of crazy blood Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Yeah I'm not crazy about these lines - everything else, awesome. I know it is so bitterAnd puckers up your faceBut compromise is eaten byA broken human race Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 12, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Thanks guys - these suggestions are really helpful. A definite consensus of opinion about certain lines.I qualified the thread title as 'unthought idea' which it was, but I'm finding it difficult to think about now."I've lost my editing hat Albert". I think it reads more as a poem than a song, but that's OK, I'll provide support music somehow for the way it is, because it would probably gut it, if I shoehorned it into a formal song structure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 12, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 Ok - found my edit hat, so maybe this is the direction that introduces Crazy Blood early in the song: Crazy Blood VerseOh the sins of all the fathersAre running in our veinsHearts pumping crazy bloodRound and round againFlowing in the bar roomCooling in the jailBleeding on the stone floored church'fore graveyard's last travail I guess you would have thoughtIt perished in the floodBut Noah and his familyMust have carried crazy blood ChorusSome people get the crazy heartSome people get a crazy loveBut one thing we all got Was a body full of crazy blood BridgeIf your life's been stolen By a thousand silent thievesAnd your dreams have all been strangledThere's just no time to grieveYou stand with both hands emptyThere never was a prizeThe time has come my friendTo taste the compromise To Chorus musicAnd when it all gets to you There's not much you can do When driven by the crazy blood That runs inside of you. ChorusSome people get the crazy heartSome people get a crazy loveBut one thing we all got Was a body full of crazy blood Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 12, 2014 Members Share Posted August 12, 2014 That opening is good. Real good. I'm not sure what "the graveyard's last travail" is, but I don't care. I like it. The rest is good too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2014 Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2014 If you're are interested in another cowrite... I am. This is freaking great. I don't want to impose but I really love this. If interested, I'd love you to maybe send your musical take on this over. A pm is fine if you'd like to stay private. Or out in the open. Or send nothing as I've got ideas. Or keep it for yourself. All your call. I love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2014 Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2014 Btw, your take can be as skeletal as you like... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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