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Crazy Blood - an unthought idea


oldgitplayer

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I'm not sure what my mood was half an hour ago, but I felt like writing, and this is what appeared on the page.

It's one of those that had no thought either preceding it or during the writing - it's just a mood in words.

 

Any suggestions for developing a narrative?

 

Crazy Blood

 

If your life's been stolen

By a thousand silent thieves

And your dreams have all been strangled

There's just no time to grieve

You stand with both hands empty

There never was a prize

The time has come my friend

To taste the compromise

I know it is so bitter

And mangles up your face

But compromise is eaten by

A broken human race

 

 

Oh the sins of all the fathers

Are running through our veins

Hearts are pumping crazy blood

Round and round again

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Love it, has teeth + weight.

I really want to see something real though at some point, it's all super general/universal so far - what does it mean on the ground, what actual things does it (crazy blood) make us do. A lot of great telling at this point, need to start showing, I think.

Very nice.

 

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Love it, has teeth + weight.

I really want to see something real though at some point, it's all super general/universal so far - what does it mean on the ground, what actual things does it (crazy blood) make us do. A lot of great telling at this point, need to start showing, I think.

Very nice.

 

 

I disagree. I think it manages to show while maintaining the super general/universal thing.

 

I think it was Tom Waits that said people end up in one of four places; a bar room, a jail, a church, or a cemetery and songs were a way to explore that. That might be something to touch on with this, and that would answer the what does it make us do.

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I disagree. I think it manages to show while maintaining the super general/universal thing.

 

I think it was Tom Waits that said people end up in one of four places; a bar room, a jail, a church, or a cemetery and songs were a way to explore that. That might be something to touch on with this, and that would answer the what does it make us do.

 

Life, thieves, dreams, time, you, hands, prize, time, compromise, it, face, compromise, human race, sins, fathers, veins, hearts, blood

 

These are all universal and/or figurative: I guess I would love some actual nouns of actual stuff I could hang onto. This isn't a show vs tell comment for it's own sake: so far it's exceptional telling. I just think to make all these pronouncements you need some credibility, and to do that you have to give some examples. Otherwise it's all just a bleak opinion, no matter how well stated, and if I don't agree with your assumptions, you've lost me.

 

I could well be wrong, though - everything is awesome so far.

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Thanks guys - it is probably worth developing then.

Martin - I intend framing the universality somehow within a hint of narrative, but that will be in the next phase of writing.

Rhino - I like those words - barroom, jailhouse, church, graveyard. I feel them as part of the song. I think that's the Muse at the door………..

 

Oh the sins of all the fathers

Are running through our veins

Hearts are pumping crazy blood

Round and round again

Flowing in the bar room

Cooling in the jail

Bleeding on the stone floored church

Where tombstone banshees wail

I guess you would have thought

It perished in the flood

But Noah and his family

Must have carried crazy blood

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So here's where it's up to - still unstructured or narrative driven, but just a bunch of ideas:

 

Crazy Blood

 

If your life's been stolen

By a thousand silent thieves

And your dreams have all been strangled

There's just no time to grieve

You stand with both hands empty

There never was a prize

The time has come my friend

To taste the compromise

I know it is so bitter

And puckers up your face

But compromise is eaten by

A broken human race

 

Oh the sins of all the fathers

Are running through our veins

Hearts are pumping crazy blood

Round and round again

Flowing in the bar room

Cooling in the jail

Bleeding on the stone floored church

'fore graveyard's last travail

I guess you would have thought

It perished in the flood

But Noah and his family

Must have carried crazy blood

 

Some people got the crazy heart

Some people got a crazy love

But as for me, all I got

Was a head full of crazy blood

 

Sometimes something gets to you

There's not much you can do

When driven by the crazy blood

That runs inside of you.

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I love it with the exception of these three lines:

 

There never was a prize

The time has come my friend

To taste the compromise

 

^These^ feel like filler connecting the dramatic thoughts rather than a cohesive part of them. I was 100% sold right from the get go until hitting these lines. After them I was on board again, but I was out of the song for a moment there.

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The time has come my friend

To taste the compromise

I know it is so bitter

And puckers up your face

But compromise is eaten by

A broken human race

 

The lyric is much stronger now! Nice changes.

 

That said, I think this ^ bit needs working on. The word compromise feels too preachy, plus you've repeated it.

 

Also, I'm not sure if I like "puckers up your face" (or not) for several reasons. One is that I think sour tastes are what make our mouths (not our faces) pucker while bitter tastes hit us more in the back of the throat. Both certainly cause us to make "a face," but do our faces pucker? On the one hand it's really good imagery. On the other it feels a bit inauthentic.

 

And finally, "a broken human race" sounds too writerly to me.

 

You mileage may vary, of course...

 

 

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So here's where it's up to - still unstructured or narrative driven, but just a bunch of ideas:

 

Crazy Blood

 

If your life's been stolen

By a thousand silent thieves

And your dreams have all been strangled

There's just no time to grieve

You stand with both hands empty

There never was a prize

The time has come my friend

To taste the compromise

I know it is so bitter

And puckers up your face

But compromise is eaten by

A broken human race

 

Oh the sins of all the fathers

Are running through our veins

Hearts are pumping crazy blood

Round and round again

Flowing in the bar room

Cooling in the jail

Bleeding on the stone floored church

'fore graveyard's last travail

I guess you would have thought

It perished in the flood

But Noah and his family

Must have carried crazy blood

 

Some people got the crazy heart

Some people got a crazy love

But as for me, all I got

Was a head full of crazy blood

 

Sometimes something gets to you

There's not much you can do

When driven by the crazy blood

That runs inside of you.

 

wow

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That second verse is really good. REALLY good. That being said I think you need to revisit the last half of the first.

 

The time has come my friend

to taste the compromise

I know it is so bitter

 

I think those three things can be said in one line.

 

...taste bitter compromise

 

I'm not sure how I feel about repeating the word compromise. You could say something like

 

piled high and eaten to sustain

a broken human race

 

You also might consider changing 'But as for me' to something that applies to everybody.

 

Some people got the crazy heart

Some people got a crazy love

one thing we all got

is a head full of crazy blood

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Thanks guys - these suggestions are really helpful. A definite consensus of opinion about certain lines.

I qualified the thread title as 'unthought idea' which it was, but I'm finding it difficult to think about now.

"I've lost my editing hat Albert".

 

I think it reads more as a poem than a song, but that's OK, I'll provide support music somehow for the way it is, because it would probably gut it, if I shoehorned it into a formal song structure.

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Ok - found my edit hat, so maybe this is the direction that introduces Crazy Blood early in the song:

 

Crazy Blood

 

Verse

Oh the sins of all the fathers

Are running in our veins

Hearts pumping crazy blood

Round and round again

Flowing in the bar room

Cooling in the jail

Bleeding on the stone floored church

'fore graveyard's last travail

I guess you would have thought

It perished in the flood

But Noah and his family

Must have carried crazy blood

 

Chorus

Some people get the crazy heart

Some people get a crazy love

But one thing we all got

Was a body full of crazy blood

 

Bridge

If your life's been stolen

By a thousand silent thieves

And your dreams have all been strangled

There's just no time to grieve

You stand with both hands empty

There never was a prize

The time has come my friend

To taste the compromise

 

To Chorus music

And when it all gets to you

There's not much you can do

When driven by the crazy blood

That runs inside of you.

 

Chorus

Some people get the crazy heart

Some people get a crazy love

But one thing we all got

Was a body full of crazy blood

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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If you're are interested in another cowrite... I am. This is freaking great. I don't want to impose but I really love this. If interested, I'd love you to maybe send your musical take on this over. A pm is fine if you'd like to stay private. Or out in the open. Or send nothing as I've got ideas. Or keep it for yourself. All your call. I love it.

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