A songwriting process, "The Signs Are Gone". 2nd iteration, please review

[Claveler]

Hey guys. I'm working on this song called "The Signs Are Gone". Please check it out and let me know what you think.

 

https://soundcloud.com/luisandrescla...signs-are-gone

 

I want to share the way this song has come together so far.

 

So I came up with a simple guitar riff and a melody for the chorus. That original idea is called "TSAG Idea" in the link above and is basically recorded like crap. I liked the idea of a laid back verse and a powerful chorus.

 

For some reason whenever I come up with a lyrical melody, the gibberish turns out sounding kinda English-like. I'm Chilean. Anyway, I decided to record it in English just 'cause I felt like it.

 

The first ideas I had were that I wanted the song to start kinda like "Rodeo Clowns" by Jack Johnson, with some bongos and whatnot. I also wanted a good solo at the end over the chorus, finishing with a drastic transtition to a choir-like thing. Basically end it like "Witness" by Winger.

 

Another choice I made later on was to use a sidechained compressor on the guitars in the chorus. I came up with that while re-watching the trailer from "The Avengers" and noticing the effect on the song that plays in the middle. I just thought it sounded cool.

 

I recently had watched a tutorial on making electronic music and decided to use some of those techiques for the transitions between the verse and the chorus. Uplifters and stuff like that.

 

As for the lyrics, they're whatever I came up with at the moment I was recording the vocals. I'm trying to keep a theme, but I'm not really sure what it is. Here they are:

 

maybe

i've gone too far this time

and yet the same old words have come out

from my mouth, this time i'll pay,

this time it all will be addressed

i know i've played the game, with no gain

that old pain, all over again

all over again

 

black lights and cocktail suicide

red lips, yes miss, i'd love to take you out

but for the last time

i just can't keep going on

i just can't keep going on

i'm far too slow to move on

 

blue clouded thoughts

forsaken, gone

away in your hands

i come undone

 

the signs are gone

it's been too long

the road is clear now

but i can't go

but i won't go

 

don't thank me for not doing

what you know i just can't do

don't make it seem like it was easy for me,

or for you. good news, i know

that you really really wanted it but now you don't

but there's something to mend

there's no need to pretend

our common friend will see this to the end

 

i'll come for you

the deepest blues

are made of ashes

i will burn through, yeah yeah yeah

 

the signs are gone

it's been too long

the road is clear now

but i can't go

but i won't go

 

My accent should be pretty noticeable... and I'm pretty sure I should've used "mutual friend" instead of "common friend"....

 

So this is still a work in progress. I'd apprecitate any comments on the song's structure, melodies, harmonies, solo, recording and basically anything related to its composition.

 

Thanks in advance.

[rsadasiv]

It's interesting to hear the iterations as the song comes together, and the final version sounds great. Despite it being a guitar driven song (and there is a lot of excellent guitar work there) and the electronic and symphonic flourishes, I think the key to the song is that super simple piano part - those two chords hold everything else together.

[oldgitplayer]

This is cool - I enjoyed listening.

The only change I would like in the mix is to bring the vocal forward in the chorus so we can hear the tag line a little clearer.

A listener remembers a song if they go away with a tag line in their heads.

[mbfrancis]

Some good stuff here. What exactly is the song about? If the signs are gone, how is the road clear?

[LCK]

Excellent track. I love the shift at the end. Very well done.

 

Some bits and pieces of the lyric don't make any sense to me, but since English is apparently your second language, that's understandable.

[bee3]

Really well done. I thought the vocal needs to sit in the mix a little better... Really dig the tune though. Guitars are great. Harmonies are cool.

[Oswlek]

Very cool. The ending is great and the guitar riff is memorable. I agree with Bee that the vocal needs to settle back into the mix more. It's a noticeable problem in an otherwise pro sounding mix.

[Claveler]

Thanks for all the comments! I made some changes, so there's a new version uploaded now.

 

https://soundcloud.com/luisandrescla...signs-are-gone

 

The changes are few:

• The note that the electric guitar made right before starting the second chorus was an F. I changed it to a A#. It sounds better, according to me.
  
• I added four quick snare hits right before the transition at the ending. I kept hearing the four hits in my head, so I decided to add them officially.
  
• I put some much needed compression on the backing vocals in the chorus, as they stood out way too much in the chorus. Annoyingly so. I think I can do better still though.
  
• The singing in the second part of the second chorus—right before the solo—was louder that the first part. I fixed that.
  

Some good stuff here. What exactly is the song about? If the signs are gone, how is the road clear?

 

Hmm... if there are no signs, it doesn't mean the road isn't clear. It could mean, however, that you can't go.

 

I did write and record the second verse in kind of a rush however, so I decided to change it. I can't record it yet, as I'm out of town and I left my mic at home, but it'll be this:

 

don't thank me for not doing

what you think i can't do

don't make it seem like it was easy for me,

or for you. good news, i know

that you really really wanted it but now you don't

but there's something to mend

there's no need to pretend

our mutual friend will see this to the end

 

After continuous listening, I really came to hate the way I sang "what you know i just can't do", so I decided to replace that line (2nd line from the verse above) and just sing the new part staccato-like.

 

I also believe I didn't sing the "it" in "wanted it" in the 5th line. And I'll fix the mutual/common friend thingy.

 

I'm not sure I like way I say the word "hands" in the chorus. Is the "h" noticeable? Any comments on that?

 

As for what the lyrics mean... I don't think I'm quite sure yet. It's definitely about a girl, though...

[Marshal]

It sounds great. I love the instrumentation and the vocals. Guitar work is great. Mix is great. very enjoyable and engaging. Nice energized forlorn emotion.

 

The lyrics are the weakest element. They sound good and flow great. But I'm clueless as to what is going on. Does he get the girl? Has she dumped him? Is she coming back? He's gone too far where? Is it his fault? is it her fault?

 

I want some clues as to how I'm supposed to feel about this couple. There's a lot there. But I'm confused. And when I'm confused I'm less likely to take a song to my heart, even if I really love the soundscape as it's presented.