Members LCK Posted July 28, 2014 Members Share Posted July 28, 2014 I wrote this a while back. The intro is 4/4, the verses are 5/4, & the bridge is 3/4. I do not play guitar well enough to pull off the rhythm of the verses. I'm about 1/3 of the way there, if that. Anyway, this tune popped into my head again today and I thought, since nothing much else has been going on around here (except for Martin's prodigious output), I'd plop this down and get everyon'es reactions, thoughts, etc. "The Buddha Smile" Intro.When a low front disturbance meets a high flow of turbulencethe ionized particles formThey bring condensation, a tingling sensationas clouds black as ink start to swarm. Like thunder and lightning, it’s wonderfully fright’ningto be caught in the eye of your storm.’Cause the way you’ve been kissing me’s pure electricity.and your arms the true meaning of “warm.” V1The rain is a cool cascadeas pure as the love we made.We listen for hours to whispering showerslike jazz on the FM dial. V2Soft rhythms bring sweet release,and droplets of inner peacethat spatter in puddles and scatter life’s muddlesif just for a little while. BridgeBeing here next to you in this moment of zenthat’s as warm as a night on the Nile,well, it makes me feel I’ve found Nirvana but thensardonic is more my style. V3Yet somehow when it rainsmy thoughts become windowpanes.And your love has certainly torn back the curtainrevealing my Buddha smile. CodaAnd though time is fleeting I don’t mind repeating:you bring out my Buddha smile. Words and Music © 2008 by Lee Charles KelleyWest Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted July 29, 2014 Members Share Posted July 29, 2014 Wow. well, it makes me feel I’ve found Nirvana but thensardonic is more my style. Amazing song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 29, 2014 Members Share Posted July 29, 2014 I love this - so well-crafted, so, any great lines. Love the set-up, the time changes all work naturally (playing is fine). Great rhymes, loved nirvana/sardonic. Couple of things: * Maybe I'm missing the reference, but I'm not clear what Buddha Smile has to do with the weather. You've set up this wonderful lyric all about the weather and then out of nowhere she brings out your Buddha Smile. Feels plopped on. How does that title sum up everything you've built?* If it does work, then I wish you'd say it earlier, like at the end of v2 - it takes too long to get to it. Also, maybe foreshadow and make some connection at the end of the intro for us slow people.* Unless I'm missing something, "the true meaning of 'warm' feels a little forced. Not sue what you'd replace it with. Feels almost like two songs, like you need a Buddha song all about how zen and mellow you are (or aren't, irony!), and you need a better title for this one about the weather. You have great material, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 29, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 29, 2014 I love this - so well-crafted, so, any great lines. Love the set-up, the time changes all work naturally (playing is fine). Great rhymes, loved nirvana/sardonic. Couple of things: * Maybe I'm missing the reference, but I'm not clear what Buddha Smile has to do with the weather. You've set up this wonderful lyric all about the weather and then out of nowhere she brings out your Buddha Smile. Feels plopped on. How does that title sum up everything you've built? * If it does work, then I wish you'd say it earlier, like at the end of v2 - it takes too long to get to it. Also, maybe foreshadow and make some connection at the end of the intro for us slow people. * Unless I'm missing something, "the true meaning of 'warm' feels a little forced. Not sue what you'd replace it with. Feels almost like two songs, like you need a Buddha song all about how zen and mellow you are (or aren't, irony!), and you need a better title for this one about the weather. You have great material, though. You make some good points. Basically I was trying to express how much I love hearing the rain fall, how it puts me in a relaxed mood. Add the sexual/romantic angle and you've got a song, right? Maybe? I thought I had planted the seeds for the Buddha-smile ending with "droplets of inner peace," "this moment of zen," and "nirvana." I agree about "the true meaning of warm..." Oh, yeah, and there's another version where instead of "my thoughts become windowpanes..." (which is a pretty good line), I had "no thought of my self remains..." Yet somehow when it rains no thought of myself remains. FOr your love has certainly torn back the curtain revealing my Buddha smile... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 29, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 29, 2014 Wow. well, it makes me feel I’ve found Nirvana but then sardonic is more my style. Amazing song. Thanks! It's funny I had totally forgotten about it. It just drifted back into my mind today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted July 29, 2014 Members Share Posted July 29, 2014 This is certainly an oddity. A mix of Weather, Buddha and all to a south of the border musical flavour.There are some wonderful lines in the lyric, but I don't care for the opening When a low front disturbance meets a high flow of turbulencethe ionized particles form. The rest of the lyric is in a more colloquial style, but these feel too technical. I know that it is intentional, but I don't think it works. Like thunder and lightning, it’s wonderfully frightening jumped off the page as being too similar to Bohemian Rhapsody, but they seem to work comfortably when sung. I also found the mixing of Zen (Japan) and Nirvana together with the Nile (Egypt) a bit odd. Maybe that is also intentional, but I don't get it. Essentially I think its a good song, but there may be possibilities for improvement still. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted July 30, 2014 Members Share Posted July 30, 2014 I wrote this a while back. The intro is 4/4, the verses are 5/4, & the bridge is 3/4. I do not play guitar well enough to pull off the rhythm of the verses. I'm about 1/3 of the way there, if that. Anyway, this tune popped into my head again today and I thought, since nothing much else has been going on around here (except for Martin's prodigious output), I'd plop this down and get everyon'es reactions, thoughts, etc. " The Buddha Smile" Intro. When a low front disturbance meets a high flow of turbulence - extra syllable here although on the page it looks great. Phrasing? the ionized particles form They bring condensation, a tingling sensation as clouds black as ink start to swarm. Like thunder and lightning, it’s wonderfully fright’ning to be caught in the eye of your storm. ’Cause the way you’ve been kissing me’s pure electricity. - extra syllable here although on the page it looks great. Phrasing? and your arms the true meaning of “warm.” V1 The rain is a cool cascade as pure as the love we made. We listen for hours to whispering showers like jazz on the FM dial. V2 Soft rhythms bring sweet release, and droplets of inner peace - don't really like the sense of this, although it scans nicely that spatter in puddles and scatter life’s muddles if just for a little while. Bridge Being here next to you in this moment of zen that’s as warm as a night on the Nile, - why the Nile? a very un-Buddhist place indeed, although the rhyme is delicious. well, it makes me feel I’ve found Nirvana but then sardonic is more my style. V3 Yet somehow when it rains my thoughts become windowpanes. And your love has certainly torn back the curtain revealing my Buddha smile. Coda And though time is fleeting I don’t mind repeating: you bring out my Buddha smile. Words and Music © 2008 by Lee Charles Kelley West Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted August 2, 2014 Members Share Posted August 2, 2014 Yeah. I like it a lot. I suppose like mbf, I was wanting some more zen or Buhda reference earlier on to key in the final conclusion. But it definitely works. The different time signatures were unusual, but again, they worked. They followed the emotion of the lyrical sections. I could hear a much more expressive vocal presentation playing more openly on the tongue-in-cheekiness of some of the sections. That'd be nice. Give the listener more clues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted August 2, 2014 Members Share Posted August 2, 2014 OK I've listened again. Here's another comment (or two ) The intro is a verse. it's good. If you want it to be an intro then it would work better 1/2 as long. But it's a very good solid verse. So, somehow I want a "common" element before the true V1 kicks in. Your bridge is not a bridge. it's your chorus. You could treat the intro as full verse. Then go to a bridge (that is really a chorus) then to the actual verses V1, V2. Then Bridge (chorus) and V3 and repeat bridge (chorus) & V3. Just a thought. That might make it too long. And you might have to cut something out then, But it's all nice and juicy, so I wouldn't have a clue what to consider to cut. Lots of things to play with. My main comment would be to ask you if you want to slip a bridge(chorus) between the intro and V1. Or ignore whatever i say. That's always a safe bet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 2, 2014 Moderators Share Posted August 2, 2014 Try substituting frightening with enlightening. That might relieve you of any Bohemian Rhapsody isms and tie in with the Buddha. I too see a disconnect between the weather and the Buddha smile. But I get the charm in what you're going for here. First off I think those two first versus fantastic. One possible angle to investigate might be that you are a man of science, and she is spiritualist. You don't always get her references to spiritual things but you see the weather is a true miracle. And then in a moment at all coalesces for you and the Buddhist smile emerges... And you knew you dug her for good reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 2, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 2, 2014 Try substituting frightening with enlightening. One possible angle to investigate might be that you are a man of science, and she is spiritualist. You don't always get her references to spiritual things but you see the weather is a true miracle. And then in a moment at all coalesces for you and the Buddhist smile emerges... And you knew you dug her for good reason. Thanks for the feedback. Lightning and en-lightening aren't rhymes but homophones. I like the science/spiritualist angle, but I'm not sure how to pull that off in the time and space allotted. I can see from all the comments that there may be something here, but it probably needs a lot more work to make it gel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 2, 2014 Moderators Share Posted August 2, 2014 Thanks for the feedback. Lightning and en-lightening aren't rhymes but homophones. SO... YOUR POINT? ; ^ ) IF YOU DON'T LIKE USING HOMOPHONES (WHAT ARE YOU, HOMOPHONIC?) DON'T USE 'EM. BUT IT DOESN'T MUCH MATTER WHAT THEY'RE CALLED. I like the science/spiritualist angle, but I'm not sure how to pull that off in the time and space allotted. I can see from all the comments that there may be something here, but it probably needs a lot more work to make it gel. I personally don't think it needs a lot more work but that may just be me. I think there's a thread that hasn't been highlight yet. The kind of thing where some connecting words make it all work... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 5, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 5, 2014 This is certainly an oddity. A mix of Weather' date=' Buddha and all to a south of the border musical flavour.[/quote'] Not south of the border, I was going for a middle-eastern or maybe Moroccan feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 5, 2014 Members Share Posted August 5, 2014 Not south of the border, I was going for a middle-eastern or maybe Moroccan feel. Interesting - If you had mentioned El Paso in the lyric, it would have all hung together in my musical lexicon. Middle Eastern and Moroccan needs those semi-demi tones (or whatever they call the notes in a 24 note scale). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 5, 2014 Moderators Share Posted August 5, 2014 Middle Eastern and Moroccan needs those semi-demi tones (or whatever they call the notes in a 24 note scale). I believe the term is Doggy-dangle-semiquaver-clovenhoofwoofer-quartertones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 5, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 5, 2014 Interesting - If you had mentioned El Paso in the lyric, it would have all hung together in my musical lexicon. Middle Eastern and Moroccan needs those semi-demi tones (or whatever they call the notes in a 24 note scale). You're wrong. What can I say? I'm using a western scale, so I can't re-create that middle-eastern vibe exactly. So what I did instead is use very close intervals to mimic that style. For example, the opening figure is G Ab G C Eb G, followed by Eb Eb F Eb F Eb D. For instance, this song by Charles Mingus, while supposedly in a Mexican style, sounds middle-eastern. [video=youtube;aGsVqF-URXc] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 6, 2014 Members Share Posted August 6, 2014 I believe the term is Doggy-dangle-semiquaver-clovenhoofwoofer-quartertones. Yeh - that sounds more like a term Daniel Barenboim would use. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 6, 2014 Members Share Posted August 6, 2014 You're wrong. What can I say? That's OK - I readily admit to being wrong about music - I'm a dilettante with an ear for opinion. The Mingus piece definitely has some North African flavour, as do many pieces of Spanish music after the invasion of the Moors and a few centuries of occupation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 6, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 6, 2014 That's OK - I readily admit to being wrong about music - I'm a dilettante with an ear for opinion. The Mingus piece definitely has some North African flavour, as do many pieces of Spanish music after the invasion of the Moors and a few centuries of occupation. Right. That's a very good point. And to your initial point, it's true that the flatted 13ths and whatnot didn't come in until the 5th measure of the intro. So I can see how those first 4 measures might have started things off on the wrong foot. And I don't think you're a dilettante. I'm the one who feels that way every time I write a new song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted August 6, 2014 Members Share Posted August 6, 2014 When I was a teenager learning guitar, I purchased a flamenco record by Juan Serrano.One of the tracks 'Zambra' has a strong Moorish influence. I immediately loved it. [video=youtube;ifLMT6d7h8Q] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted August 6, 2014 Members Share Posted August 6, 2014 Like thunder and lightning, it’s wonderfully frightening jumped off the page as being too similar to Bohemian Rhapsody, but they seem to work comfortably when sung. And "Knock on Wood." Nothing wrong with that, though. All artists are magpies. Nice song! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 6, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 6, 2014 And "Knock on Wood." Nothing wrong with that, though. All artists are magpies. Nice song! Thanks, Delmont! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 6, 2014 Author Members Share Posted August 6, 2014 When I was a teenager learning guitar, I purchased a flamenco record by Juan Serrano. One of the tracks 'Zambra' has a strong Moorish influence. I immediately loved it. [video=youtube;ifLMT6d7h8Q] Nice. The last minute or so sounds very middle-eastern to me. It sounds like he also added a little Boléro-esque flavor into the mix! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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