Members mbfrancis Posted July 28, 2014 Members Share Posted July 28, 2014 EDIT: New mix w female vox. One bummer about getting older is that opportunities to collaborate are fewer. This weekend I got to stay with an ex-bandmate and his family, and we cranked out a song in his studio. (The lyric came because he has a baby who was teething.) It's definitely not something I would have written alone, even though it ended up being mostly me, but bouncing ideas off him as I went. I'm very stoked how this turned out, but I'd love thoughts on the lyric, I think it may need a little tweaking. Is the chorus distinct enough? Do the verses make sense? Is it clear what's going on? Does the bridge work? Etc... "Don't Let Your Dreams Get In the Way" And I sprung into actionTo duck your reactionWhen I thought you should settlehereAnd I said, I’m sorryAnd you said, you scar meAnd never even let the wound healLet it heal ChorusBut baby please fall asleepDon’t let your dreams get in the wayDon’t let your dreams make you go waste a perfect dayDon’t let your dreams get in the way I kiss you and try nowBut you should know by nowThat we can’t get high nowenoughAnd I said, I’m sorryYou ended the partyAnd never even let clean upLet me clean up ChorusBut baby please fall asleepDon’t let your dreams get in the wayDon’t let your dreams make you go waste a perfect dayBut baby please fall asleepDon’t let the ghosts lead you astrayDon’t let the ghosts we made and fed take you awayDon’t let your dreams get in the way BridgeHey let’s never us get this far againLet’s be happy we’ve got time to spare and spendTime to never betray your closest friendHey let’s never think we deserve some moreLet’s be grateful we’ve got stuff to be grateful forGive it time you won’t dream those dreams no more Chorus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 28, 2014 Members Share Posted July 28, 2014 Awesome. Just a first listen... I think the verse and chorus are both quite good, particularly how one flows into the other. I also like the little instrumental piano passages. Love the idea of the strings and how they lead into that second chorus, but do you have any different patches? The one you're using now seems a little to... singular. Would be cool to hear some real movement... I don't know how to adequately describe what I'm thinking, but something like a cello serving up something underneath, and a varied viola/violin coming in over top. The bridge took me by surprise... and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. So I'll give a few more listens... though, I do really dig the way it comes out of it and goes into the instrumental tag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 28, 2014 Members Share Posted July 28, 2014 So, lyrically, is the idea that you've wronged this person, and perhaps they left you... but for some reason have come back. And you're trying to tell them that the two of you should appreciate each other for what you are and forget about the past? Or am I totally off and it's about baby teething? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 28, 2014 Members Share Posted July 28, 2014 Wonderful. I have become a huge admirer of your work. This is no exception. That said, the verses and the piano interludes are the gold here. The chorus is really good too, but at just one listen I wasn't as thrilled by the bridge. One lyrical quibble: I kiss you and try nowBut you should know by nowThat we can’t get high nowenough Those first two lines are sooooooooo good, it's a shame to not let them just sit and be wonderful on their own. Adding that third line -- which doesn't fit the rhyme scheme of the first verse -- creates a kind of sag in the action for me because, seriously, your other rhymes (though not perfect) are so perfect! So my feeling is, let it be a two-rhyme rhyme scheme on that part of the second verse. As is it's like a ratty old house ruining the value of the real estate around it. (Well, not that bad, but kinda...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 28, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 28, 2014 Thanks, guys - key to lyric is word 'settle,' the chorus and the bridge. Basically she wants to leave, has big dreams, thinks she can do better, and the song is him deploying every otherwise-healthy argument (live for today, appreciate the here and now, don't betray your friends) to get her to stay with him, like "abandon your dreams you'll never do better than me, I'm safe." Settle...for me, So the verses need to align to that. Justin - we used his protools rig so I was at the mercy of what he had. I'd wanted to do a more quartet vibe with single instruments (great minds!) but his patches sucked. I can redo the string. (But did you hear the French horns at the end??) LCK - so you think by throwing in an unexpected rhyme it cheapens the real estate? That would put a premium on form (and listener expectations) over surprise ear candy....I'd say that's a debate! It might not be a classy addition but it still might raise the property value, ha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 28, 2014 Members Share Posted July 28, 2014 LCK - so you think by throwing in an unexpected rhyme it cheapens the real estate? Sometimes, yes. Just enough is always just right, while too much is always too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 29, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 29, 2014 Recorded female vocals tonight, parts are in progress, but holy cow the bridge now sounds like a massive party, which was kind of the point - a celebration of settling. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12870154 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted July 29, 2014 Members Share Posted July 29, 2014 Ok firstly its great - I haven't spent enough time with it to comment on lyrics yet but I do want to mention my first thought Its the slight similarity to coldplays trouble - probably not enough to be a problem but a piano riff start going into THAT bassline does bring thoughts of coldplay. Im sure it isnt close enough to bother you but see what you think [video=youtube;kcASPx3-HuI] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted July 29, 2014 Members Share Posted July 29, 2014 Wonderful. I have become a huge admirer of your work. This is no exception. +1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted July 29, 2014 Members Share Posted July 29, 2014 I got the same "Trouble" vibe as well. Not too much with the guitar, but definitely when the piano takes lead. I LOVE the chord change when the chorus comes in, but I keep getting turned off by the melody on "fall asleep." It feels to me like you are singing what should be the low harmony and the lead vocal should jump on "fall." Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that "fall asleep" bugs me. Otherwise I'm sold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 29, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 29, 2014 Ok firstly its great - I haven't spent enough time with it to comment on lyrics yet but I do want to mention my first thought Its the slight similarity to coldplays trouble - probably not enough to be a problem but a piano riff start going into THAT bassline does bring thoughts of coldplay. Im sure it isnt close enough to bother you but see what you think [video=youtube;kcASPx3-HuI] I hadn't heard that song in >10 years so I was scared to click the link...but you're right, it's not close enough to stress. I knew this had a coldplay vibe, that's ok, not a fatal association, ha. Would love thoughts on the lyrics - do they make sense? I am considering a re-write that makes this more 'marketable song' and less 'quirky malcontented art piece.' The message would be more straight and earnest - 'seize the day, 'live for the moment,' etc., and the bridge would be less musically jarring. Just a really nice piano ballad. That said, I think this achieves what I set out to do, I just think the verses might need to be tightened a little. So I'd love thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 31, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 31, 2014 I got the same "Trouble" vibe as well. Not too much with the guitar, but definitely when the piano takes lead. I LOVE the chord change when the chorus comes in, but I keep getting turned off by the melody on "fall asleep." It feels to me like you are singing what should be the low harmony and the lead vocal should jump on "fall." Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that "fall asleep" bugs me. Otherwise I'm sold. Hey Justin, I'm wondering if the melody has grown on you at all. This track has grown on some other people, including the guy I wrote it with! Doesn't mean it's good... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted July 31, 2014 Members Share Posted July 31, 2014 I think it's good.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 31, 2014 Members Share Posted July 31, 2014 LCK - so you think by throwing in an unexpected rhyme it cheapens the real estate? It wasn't that it wasn't expected but that it wasn't as good as the others. It sounded forced while the others seemed to flow a whole lot better. Anyway, it stuck out at me as needing a revision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 13, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 This is almost done: mix with real drums, real organ, real piano: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13099320 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 14, 2015 Members Share Posted April 14, 2015 Said it on the other site and will say it again... THIS IS AWESOME. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 14, 2015 Members Share Posted April 14, 2015 Yeh this is also fantastic - lyrically im not as commited to it as the other one you posted. I don't think there are any real issues just not as interesting to me as the others. I still hear the coldplay thing by the way..... its the pretty much identical bassline on the intro (which is quite a distinct part of the coldplay song) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 14, 2015 Members Share Posted April 14, 2015 Yeh this is also fantastic - lyrically im not as commited to it as the other one you posted. I don't think there are any real issues just not as interesting to me as the others. I agree on both points. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 14, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 14, 2015 Thanks, all!! I'm not really swinging for the fences with this one, so I can live with the imperfections/quirkiness. If I re-wrote it I would totally change the message to make a more 'carpe diem' thing, and make the bridge more conventional, too. Saw this as the last song on the EP. I still hear the coldplay thing by the way..... its the pretty much identical bassline on the intro (which is quite a distinct part of the coldplay song) I never understood what you meant by the same bass line, because I heard my chords in context (I - vi - iii) different from his (IV - ii - vi), but I get what you're saying now. (What's funny is that my friend wrote that part - he played it for me on a uke, strummed and faster.) So basically the bass is the same and it's got a similar piano vibe. Usually I hate openly lifting like that but do you think I can live with it here? I have no problem saying "oh that's my Coldplay song." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 14, 2015 Members Share Posted April 14, 2015 Sounds great! Coldplay has been sued a couple of times for plagiarism. If you can live with it, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members thehundredthone Posted April 15, 2015 Members Share Posted April 15, 2015 I don't really think it's all that Coldplay-y. Every other Coldplay song is a piano followed by a bassline. It's a really cool song, mbfrancis, and like LCK said, the verse and piano are really where it's at with this song. Lyrically I'm guessing you're done with the song so I didn't look at them too closely. The chorus works, although it isn't all that the verse is. I think you could lead into the change from verse to chorus better by using a different note for the word "way". Only one major issue with the song, I think you need to redo the line "never even let the wound heal" because it sounds out of tune to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 15, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 15, 2015 Yeah, I just got Melodyne and I ran the vocal through it - I will need to 'help' it a bit on the next mix, ha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lane1777 Posted April 15, 2015 Members Share Posted April 15, 2015 what a change-up in the bridge, its all good to me, but I`m a rookie, I`ll learn a little more and be a little more positive with comments.when I do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 16, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 16, 2015 what a change-up in the bridge, its all good to me, but I`m a rookie, I`ll learn a little more and be a little more positive with comments. when I do Hey Lane, thanks, and no worries, don't care if your comments are positive or negative, just honest! Glad you're here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 27, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 27, 2015 Hey guys, finishing this arrangement, need a quick opinion which you like better on v2: Piano: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13109945Vibes/Gtr: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13109946 I have some other ideas (tremelo strings!), but I'd like to wrap this up. I like the piano I think simply because then I'm not introducing any new instruments, but the vibes are cool (the patch is actually called "Fiona Brion" lol). Gracias! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.