Great Apple Pie - My Attempt at Country

[rickidoo]

1st full draft - Reactions? Suggestions?

 

Great Apple Pie

©2014 Rick Dieffenbach

 

 

V1:

She was / a country girl / Liv’en in a city world

5 stars / on her vest / She was a cut above the rest

 

CHORUS:

Working her way through school / she’d sometimes break / the rules

Greets me when I arrive / Smiles when she says goodbye

And it’s no lie

She’s the kind of girl / who serves great apple pie

 

V2:

Went to / a grocery store / Saw her walk in / the door

Called me / by my name / as she began / to exclaim

Hello rick / how are you!? / Ain’t the sky a pretty blue

(well) You have / a real fine day / She smiled and strolled / away

 

[CHORUS]

 

BRIDGE:

She's the light / of my day / And my reason / to stay

 

V3:

One day / she had left / man she was surely the best

Made my days / extra bright/ I wish I were in her nights

 

[CHORUS]

[Foose31]

Has kind of reminds me of a Paul Overstreet song with the sound and feel.

 

 

As for your lyric, you don't really go into any detail with your first verse. You don't expand upon her being a country girl living in the city. or even with the first line of your chorus which kinda don't feel like it fits in with the rest.

 

 

[video=youtube;oVeml28Eo3w]

[LCK]

Lovely tune. Nice production work. Good vocal.

 

I don't get the lyric, though. Or at least parts of it. Sorry!

 

For instance why is the 2nd verse twice as long as the 1st & 3rd?

 

 

V1:

She was / a country girl / Liv’en in a city world (this is a bit cliched, but not terrible)

5 stars / on her vest / She was a cut above the rest (what does this mean?)

 

CHORUS:

Working her way through school / she’d sometimes break / the rules (past tense)

Greets me when I arrive / Smiles when she says goodbye (present tense)

And it’s no lie

She’s the kind of girl / who serves great apple pie (why serves? why not bakes or makes?)

 

V2:

Went to / a grocery store / Saw her walk in / the door

Called me / by my name / as she began / to exclaim (she "began to exclaim?")

Hello rick / how are you!? / Ain’t the sky a pretty blue (she talks about the sky indoors?)

(well) You have / a real fine day / She smiled and strolled / away

 

[CHORUS]

 

BRIDGE:

She's the light / of my day / And my reason / to stay

 

V3:

One day / she had left / man she was surely the best (one day she had left?)

Made my days / extra bright/ I wish I were in her nights (awkward phrasing)

 

I may have time to offer some suggestions later.

 

Anyway, nice tune. It's still running through my head...

[stickboymusic]

Yeh nice tune

 

It is kind of a nothing story at present... so its a girl who ended up working as a waitress and you fancied and then she left.

 

She was / a country girl / LOST in a city world (may still be cliche but possibly better?)

5 stars / on her vest / She was a cut above the rest ( I get this... she is employee of the month or whatever - cool)

 

CHORUS:

Working her way through school / she’d NEVER break / the rules (I dunno - i like this picture of her being good in all respects?) I assume she is still at school?

Greets me when I arrive / Smiles when she says goodbye

And it’s no lie

She’s the kind of girl / who serves great apple pie (serves is fine if she is a waitress) its not much of a pay off for the hook really though. Really id want her to be horrible BUT she serves these pies that keep making you go back...i dunno.

 

V2:

Went to / a grocery store / Saw her walk in / the door (this verse is just a bit nothing, maybe move the story a bit... imply she may have REALLY liked you before she disappears maybe)

Called me / by my name / as she began / to SAY

Hello rick / how are you!? / Ain’t the sky a pretty blue

(well) You have / a real fine day / She smiled and strolled / away

 

[CHORUS]

 

BRIDGE:

She's the light / of my day / And my reason / to stay

 

V3:

One day / she had left / man she was surely the best

Made my days / extra bright/ I wish I were in her nights (id also rethink this final verse.... maybe how you miss the smell of cinnamon or whatever)

 

[CHORUS]

 

Anyway as LCK says its a nice tune..... maybe of yours start out with these kind of lyrics but you usually manage to get it on track in the end.

[LCK]

Yeh nice tune

 

It is kind of a nothing story at present... so its a girl who ended up working as a waitress and you fancied and then she left.

 

Oh. I didn't realize she was a waitress... I think that should be clearer up front, but maybe I'm just a little slow this morning.

 

[video=youtube;rYXTAg4k5ys]

[rhino55]

cool track. Lyrically there are some spots that I think could be stronger that would go along way toward establishing the story and making it easier to follow. The following assumes my understanding of the story which may be wrong.

 

A country girl waiting tables in a city world

5 stars on her vest she was a cut above the rest

 

working her way through school / she'd sometimes break / the rules

greets me when I arrive / smiles when she says goodbye

and it's no lie

shes the type / who'll sneak you a piece of apple pie

 

V2 is good

 

Bridge - I think it'd be cool if it expressed the same sentiment but with a pie metaphor.

 

V3 says she left, which is good. That's an important part of the story, but it leaves some questions unanswered. Why did she leave? Did she finish school. If that's not going to come back and be relevant I almost feel like it doesn't need to be in the chorus. Did you she leave town and you stay behind or are you still eating pie?

[Oswlek]

You're getting some feedback on the lyric, so I'll just hone in on one line:

 

She’s the kind of girl / who serves great apple pie

 

It could just be me, but I'm not getting why the fact that she serves great apple pie is so important. Are you trying to say in a unique way that she's a down country gal? If so, it isn't hitting home for me. Other than that, I'm lost as to its importance. She's a waitress, I get that, but they do a lot more than serve apple pie. And nothing else in the lyric supports or leads to apple pie in any way.

 

Am I missing something?

[rhino55]

You're getting some feedback on the lyric, so I'll just hone in on one line:

 

She’s the kind of girl / who serves great apple pie

 

It could just be me, but I'm not getting why the fact that she serves great apple pie is so important. Are you trying to say in a unique way that she's a down country gal? If so, it isn't hitting home for me. Other than that, I'm lost as to its importance. She's a waitress, I get that, but they do a lot more than serve apple pie. And nothing else in the lyric supports or leads to apple pie in any way.

 

Am I missing something?

 

 

That's why I suggested

 

who'll sneak you a piece of apple pie

 

It ties into the sometimes breaks the rules

 

[Oswlek]

Yeah, that is more cohesive, but I'm still not feeling "apple pie" at all, no matter how we change the words around it. It just doesn't feel worthy of the spotlight the melody is shining on it.

[Delmont]

 

Oh. I didn't realize she was a waitress...

 

[video=youtube;rYXTAg4k5ys]

 

[Delmont]

Is she?

 

=O.

 

Del

[LCK]

This is by no means done, but it might be a cool direction to take this.

 

"Second Slice"

 

V1:

She was / a country girl / a waitress in a city world

5 stars / on her vest / four cuts above the rest

 

CHORUS:

Working her way through school / Me, I'm a lonesome fool.

She fills my glass with ice. Hey, hon, don't you look nice?

And it’s no lie

She's the kind of girl [who makes you want a second slice]

of apple pie.

 

V2:

Hello rick / how are you!? / Ain’t the sky a pretty blue?

It feels like paradise. Would you like a second slice?

 

[CHORUS]

 

BRIDGE:

I know someday she'll go / And I'll miss her so.

 

V3:

The day that she left town / I started slimming down

Friends say, "Hey, you look nice!" Yes, but I miss that second slice.

[oldgitplayer]

To be honest, I thought this was a song about a sex-worker. 'Great Apple Pie' is too cheesy and obvious to be about food. Now if it means something else………interesting.

Country girl goes to the city and can't find work - the age-old story.

She attends some classes in an attempt to become employable but 'works her way' through.

Regardless, she still greets and smiles at our 2nd protagonist.

And the punch line euphemism - 'She’s the kind of girl who serves great apple pie'.

She doesn't make or bake great apple pie - she serves it.

The remaining verses continue to sustain the metaphor.

 

​Rick can tell me otherwise……..

 

V1:

She was / a country girl / Liv’en in a city world

5 stars / on her vest / She was a cut above the rest

 

CHORUS:

Working her way through school / she’d sometimes break / the rules

Greets me when I arrive / Smiles when she says goodbye

And it’s no lie

She’s the kind of girl / who serves great apple pie

[Lee Knight]

I personally love the 'serves great apple pie' bit. I do agree V1 should say something... less. And more. What if she's trying to disguise her country roots and you catch on the truth. She's embarrassed to be a simple girl and you're intrigued by it. The line about her not lying when she greets and says goodbye is wonderful. You could do the same too with her suggesting the apple pie and her saying it's real good like my mom bakes. You realize she has simple roots and she does not lie about that pie. And your dig her, and her truth. Right now the first verse only says, I'm writing a country song! No need to do that, you should tone down that introduction to country country country! Just tell it like it is. She's trying to hide in the big city getting through, and you see her for who she is. Then the apple pie line speaks the truth a bit more clearly into she is. I love the track and think the reference to Paul Overstreet is spot on, Rick. You could really find a very cool niche here. Very nice work. I have no problem with the rest of the lyrics and thinking the set up were right this would work just fine. Better than fine.

[Lee Knight]

Siri messin' wit my flow yo ^^^

[bee3]

1st full draft - Reactions? Suggestions?

 

Great Apple Pie

©2014 Rick Dieffenbach

 

 

V1:

She was / a country girl / Liv’en in a city world

5 stars / on her vest / She was a cut above the rest

 

CHORUS:

Working her way through school / she’d sometimes break / the rules

Greets me when I arrive / Smiles when she says goodbye

And it’s no lie

She’s the kind of girl / who serves great apple pie

 

V2:

Went to / a grocery store / Saw her walk in / the door

Called me / by my name / as she began / to exclaim

Hello rick / how are you!? / Ain’t the sky a pretty blue

(well) You have / a real fine day / She smiled and strolled / away

 

[CHORUS]

 

BRIDGE:

She's the light / of my day / And my reason / to stay

 

V3:

One day / she had left / man she was surely the best

Made my days / extra bright/ I wish I were in her nights

 

[CHORUS]

Funny, I don't hear too much country... I hear Rickidoo! I really like this... such a cool, light, airy vibe... happy music. Love it. I like how you referred to yourself in the song too. The apple pie tagline is cool.

 

 

[Lee Knight]

I agree, Justin. I think the idea of it being a country song comes from the style that was referred to by Foose about Paul Overstreet. There's that style from the late 80s through the 90s that fuse great personal inspirational lyrics with a simple folk song and a sort of pop production. Rick nailed that in spades.

[oldgitplayer]

I've just had the opportunity to listen to the track properly. It has no 'Country' flavour at all. Neither does it need or want any. It's very nice melodically, and I think the contrast between the thin jingly acoustic guitar work and deep bass is perfect.

 

My only suggestion (with Producer hat on) is that although the chorus is melodically separate from the verse, they are both very evenly toned.

So I wonder if the chorus could benefit from a little subtle layering of additional instrumentation, to give it some differentiation.

[rickidoo]

I just wanted to thank everyone for these WONDERFUL and EXTREMELY helpful comments. Man LCK if I could just write half as good as you , I'd be one happy person. After reading them in about 2 seconds I FELT the power of them over the ones I had. And more importantly, I was able to understand the why.

 

I have so much to think about from all the comments, and will be pouring over all in detail in the coming days.

 

Git your interpretation of what I was after was perfect. Some guy who comes to a restaurant every day and becomes enamored with a young waitress. But he knows it could never be. And so he learns more about her each day. They are friendly, chat for a few moments with each visit, but she she never gets how special she is to the guy. He runs into her at the store, and she is sincerely friendly, but again, he has feelings perhaps he doesn't understand, while she is just a friendly country raised girl.

 

But at the end of the day, despite all the occasions he would come into the restaurant, he never got past, or even tried to get past the casual phase. And so he would wait to the end of his meal, and order apple pie, which would in effect get her back to his table an extra time.

 

He's a pretty depressed guy. And she is a light to him.

 

And then one day she leaves. And life goes on.

 

The stars on her vest - I realize now was a mistake... in Cracker Barrel..waitresses wear a vest that have 1-5 stars on them, depending on their accomplishments.

 

This is totally contrived story. I had been listening to some old harry Chapin.

 

PS: Moving to Alabama in a few weeks!

 

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN - ALL COMMENTS ARE GOLD TO ME.

 

Rick

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[LCK]

I just wanted to thank everyone for these WONDERFUL and EXTREMELY helpful comments. Man LCK if I could just write half as good as you ' date=' I'd be one happy person. After reading them in about 2 seconds I FELT the power of them over the ones I had. And more importantly, [b']I was able to understand the why.[/b]

 

 

Good. Then my work is done here...

[bee3]

This is totally contrived story. I had been listening to some old harry Chapin.

I'm sure I've mentioned this before... I used to play with Harry Chapin's bass player, Big John Wallace.

[mbfrancis]

I had a ton of comments but they've all been said by other people. I love the story, but I didn't get that the original lyric at all. Most of all it felt like the lyric had a ton of fat, wasted lines that didn't add any detail or move the narrative at all.

 

I would just warn that it's real easy to lapse into an inadvertent patronizing tone with this stuff, like people from the South are all simple and good (unlike the crappy rest of us), and then you've reduced this actual complex human being to someone who just serves pie really really well and smiles a lot. My $.02.

[rsadasiv]

I had a ton of comments but they've all been said by other people

 

+1. Good song that's easy to listen to. Not country at all but yes on the Jim Croce vibe. I understood the story and really like the line "she's the kind of girl who serves great apple pie". School/rules is a bad rhyme, and the last line of the chorus is too good to have such a lazy beginning, and the first verse doesn't really set the scene as well as your prose explanation does above.

 

Enjoy Alabama!

[LCK]

 

Enjoy Alabama!

 

+1!