Members mbfrancis Posted July 15, 2014 Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 [Guys bear with my posting volume - my family is out of town for 5 weeks, so I am trying to be as productive as possible. Like the French, I will likely take all of August off. I'm always amazed that I'm still able to come up with songs.] OK, this chorus melody came to me Sunday night. Some of the chorus words are similar to an early 80s hit song, but otherwise - um, did I write this? This is one of those that maybe came *too* easily, if you know what I mean. It's never happened to me where I had to kill the track, so I'm optimistic, but let me know. (I googled 'life's not lived it's waged' and found nothing...did I really think of that? Hard to believe.) [EDIT: Note I am not referring to the opening bassline, which clearly and deliberately lifts from a number of classic pop songs.] Assuming I'm good, let me know what you think - does this cohere? Is it clear that I'm mocking her in my quote? Is the chorus too long? It's not meant to cure cancer, but does it hold together as a pop song? Any suggestions for a v2 or bridge direction are welcome. Usually I come to you guys with fully baked ideas, but this is definitely GOS - bring it on! http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12857186 "Genevieve Knows" She's like, 'yeah,someone oughta follow meand write stuff down.'I'm like, 'yeah, everytime you speakit's like a brand new sound'and every night's a blurbut still I'd go to bat for her Chorus:Genevieve takes the morning trainto get to to work by nine and back againshe says it seems like no one acts their ageand that it feels like life's not lived it's wagedand Genevieve knows my love for her growswhether she stays or whether she goes insaneas long as she calls my name Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 15, 2014 Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 First impression- you've used the music from Grease (Summer Lovin') Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 15, 2014 Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 Oohh... that chorus is really sweet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 15, 2014 Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 So... on my second listen. I do really love that chorus, well... most of it. I think it could flow better in parts. The pause between "no" and "one" in the third line disrupts that nice smooth flow... but I'm sure you'll work stuff like that out as it matures. The line "and Genevieve knows my love for her grows" sounds a bit too much like a musical... I don't think that's what you're going for... it's really the way you sing 'grows' that bugs me. My first impression on the verse chords remains with me... perhaps too similar to Summer Lovin'... maybe you can alter the hits to disguise it. The feel of this one kind of reminds me of this guy Frank Bango who I discovered this year... if you could channel some Frank Bango into this one... YES! [video=youtube;9qdlWvpup3s] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 15, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 First impression- you've used the music from Grease (Summer Lovin') Oh yeah, should have said, obviously - also Hang On Sloopy. Easy to change though, just mix up rhythm. Not worried about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 15, 2014 Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 Oh, whoops... forgot to even look at the lyrics. Yes, it is clear in the verse that you're mocking her... in fact, I think the first five lines are brilliant: She's like, 'yeah,someone oughta follow meand write stuff down.'I'm like, 'yeah, everytime you speakit's like a brand new sound' (BWAHAHAHAHA)and every night's a blurbut still I'd go to bat for her But I'm not sure about the whole slant of loving her (at least throughout the song) is where I would've taken it... I kind of like the idea of a series of put-downs and almost comical scenarios like you did in the first verse. Maybe a surprise at the end that you've fallen for her? That would be cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 15, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 Well, part of this was responding to a challenge from a friend to not make every person in my songs f^&ked up and pathological. Or on drugs. So me being in love with her was a way of softening the whole thing. I can certainly mock her the whole time but I'd rather not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 15, 2014 Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 Are you safe mocking her in the first verse? I sure hope so... because that verse is awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted July 15, 2014 Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 Other than the "Summer Lovin'" copping being a bit too blatant, I love it. The piano in the second half of the verse is brilliant. Is it OK if I hate you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 15, 2014 Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 I wasn't super crazy about the way the last two lines of the verse. Maybe something like this? She's like, 'yeah,someone oughta follow meand write stuff down.'I'm like, 'yeah, everytime you speakit's like a brand new sound'Yet she's in my headFrom the moment she leaves my bed... and Genevieve takes the morning trainto get to to work by nine and back againshe says it seems like no one acts their ageand that it feels like life's not lived it's wagedand Genevieve knows my love for her growswhether she stays or whether she goes insaneas long as she calls my name Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 15, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 Yeah maybe something like that. I'm not at all wed to blur/her, but those lines have to deftly transition from the mocking verse into the sympathetic chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted July 15, 2014 Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 I thought "blur/her" was a creative rhyme. Didn't even need to understand the lines themselves to want to sing along. But I still hate you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 15, 2014 Moderators Share Posted July 15, 2014 Nice. I particularly like the back and forth of She's like yeah... I'm like... Clever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 15, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 I thought "blur/her" was a creative rhyme. Didn't even need to understand the lines themselves to want to sing along. But I still hate you. The rhyme was good, but it's a challenge to connect the verse and the chorus, not sure if it does it. Oh, and don't hate the playa... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted July 16, 2014 Members Share Posted July 16, 2014 I like the song, but I really think you need to reconsider that bass line. I think you can maintain the rhythm and phrasing but change it melodically. It is just too recognisable as a lift from a couple of hit songs. Sloopy has been mentioned, but also The Game Of Love. [video=youtube;7RgXQSd9ojA] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 16, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 16, 2014 For the record the opening bass line is a deliberate lift. The idea was to use the simplest bass line imaginable (the first chord progression I learned on guitar at 12 yrs old), in part because a bunch of weird chords are about to get thrown at you. If you don't think it works, that's fine, but it was deliberate - it didn't help that I asked upfront if I was ripping anything off without exempting the bass... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 18, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 18, 2014 Not to bump my own thread, but I've been trying to see if the chorus of this - which I love - rips anything off. You all have pretty encyclopedic pop music brains, so the fact that no one said anything was encouraging. The only thing I can find that it's close to is Georgy Girl - it has some common notes, the opening lift up to the 5th, the jump down to the 5th. But it's definitely not a rip-off. In case anyone's wondering yes I'll change the opening bass line, but I'm trying to find something equally simple that hasn't been done. Very happy with this and very happy for everyone's feedback, gracias! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted July 20, 2014 Members Share Posted July 20, 2014 Nailed it, as far as I'm concerned. Folks are right that it's reminiscent of other tunes, but so be it. Musicians are magpies. The atonal chord changes with peculiar resolutions make it. I agree with Genevieve: life isn't lived, it's waged. Glad someone's finally said so. I could easily fall in love with her. In fact, I think I just did. Which tells me the song is GOOD. Thanks for the post! Del Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 20, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 20, 2014 I agree with Genevieve: life isn't lived' date=' it's waged. Glad someone's finally said so. I could easily fall in love with her. In fact, I think I just did. Which tells me the song is GOOD.l[/quote'] Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! Yeah I'm in love with her, too - that's why I can't mock her *too* much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 20, 2014 Moderators Share Posted July 20, 2014 No I don't think it rips anything off. It's nothing like Georgy Girl. Although I do hear what you're talking about. As far as the bassline goes, how about keeping the same exact rhythm but adding some chromaticism in like you do on your chord runs. For instance, C... C-G#... G#-F... Bb-A-G#-G. The G# lower than C, the F higher. You're better at this than I, but the point being by keeping the rhythm the same you allude to those songs and there feel that you whack it up with some black notes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 20, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 20, 2014 Never said anything in this - my only problem with the Frank Bango is that it's deliberately small, happy to be quirky and indie. I'm swinging for the fences, my friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 20, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 20, 2014 No I don't think it rips anything off. It's nothing like Georgy Girl. Although I do hear what you're talking about. As far as the bassline goes' date=' how about keeping the same exact rhythm but adding some chromaticism in like you do on your chord runs. For instance, C... C-G#... G#-F... Bb-A-G#-G. The G# lower than C, the F higher. You're better at this than I, but the point being by keeping the rhythm the same you allude to those songs and there feel that you whack it up with some black notes.[/quote'] Great ideas. Thing is, the whole point of the stupid simple bass line was to lull you into complacency before the weird chords come in - that's the whole point, to contrast. Part of me doesn't want to touch it, dunno. There are tons of options, just trying to keep it simple... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted July 20, 2014 Members Share Posted July 20, 2014 Thing is, the whole point of the stupid simple bass line was to lull you into complacency before the weird chords come in - that's the whole point, to contrast.... I think the idea is good, but the implementation doesn't cut it. The song is great, but the intellectualisation of the use of the opening well-known riff diminishes it IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 20, 2014 Members Share Posted July 20, 2014 It also has echoes of some early 1960s musical-or-other. Not Bye-Bye Birdy exactly but something Bye-Bye Birdy-ish, maybe. Or am I crazy? (I love the lyric, by the way.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 20, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 20, 2014 I think the idea is good, but the implementation doesn't cut it. The song is great, but the intellectualisation of the use of the opening well-known riff diminishes it IMO. OK, Uncle, I'll change it, sheesh. LCK, I swear it's something, but right now all I can think of is that's it's a cross of "Morning Train and "Georgy Girl.' If it's mine, there is a God. I just sang it into SoundHound, and it came back with this: [video=youtube;h-6kKCX2q1I]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-6kKCX2q1I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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