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Ravenhurst Road. Phase 1

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  • #76

    V1
    Past bright and friendly houses
    Kept with love and care
    To a red brick schoolhouse
    You won’t find love there
    Classrooms dark and catholic
    Stacked with silent load
    Facts taught with the stick
    Down Ravenhurst Road

    Chorus
    Leaning on the desktop
    Dreaming in the class
    Holding on to what he’s got
    A boy he grows up fast
    Filled with possibility
    Ready to explode
    You have to keep your powder dry
    To survive in Ravenhurst Road

    V2
    The Fathers and the Brothers
    All with Irish names
    Believing boys were born in sin
    They plied their Jesus game
    With the Holy Ghost and Mary
    Standing in the line
    We mumbled meaning with their words
    And we served our time.

    Chorus
    Leaning on the desktop
    Dreaming in the class
    Holding on to what he’s got
    A boy he grows up fast
    Filled with possibility
    Ready to explode
    You have to keep your powder dry
    To survive in Ravenhurst Road

    Bridge
    Now the school has gone
    Its ghost haunts me no more
    But the scars remain
    From all those lessons
    Taught behind closed doors

    V3 Solo

    Chorus
    Bless me now my father
    Down on Ravenhurst Road
    Bless me please for I have sinned
    Down on Ravenhurst Road
    Are you in heaven?
    Are you in hell?
    I really don't know
    I charted a course
    And followed the path
    That led far from Ravensworth Road.
    Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Dj Facebook Tumblr

    Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

    -Coco Chanel

    Comment


    • #77
      THAT's interesting! Taking that slant on the last chorus... hmmm..
      __________
      Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
      Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
      Jesus

      Comment


      • #78
        Hmmmm…….. a few things to respond to and tidy up.
        I'm a bit busy today, but I'll give it some heart-power later today.

        Nice input from Ram, but it's not where I'd personally want to go content-wise. It would obviously need to be sung facetiously, and that could be hard to pull off in a full-blown final chorus. It also makes the song very long.

        I'll check in later.
        'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
        CHARLIE PARKER

        Comment


        • #79
          Can't open Soundcloud with my browser, so I can't comment on the music, but the words are certainly not too much for a pop song! I hear a lot of pretty raunchy stuff. This isn't. It's pointed, but that's what makes it good.

          The words work. You don't tell too much, you don't tell too little, and you manage to collapse a bunch of years into a few thoughtfully crafted verses. What strikes me about a lot of song writers is the lack of attention crafting. A good idea is just a good idea. Making it rise from the page takes both ability and effort.

          High marks.

          Del
          Last edited by Delmont; 07-17-2014, 10:04 PM.

          Comment


          • #80
            PS -

            While I'm hanging out here, anyway, thought I'd share. Here's a ballad of mine that's also about a street, that also uses the repeating punch line device, and that isn't a love song. The theme is different (an adult's purgatory versus a child's hell), and there isn't much else in common - except, I hope, attention to crafting.

            http://www.thefullertons.net/uploads...the_avenue.mp3

            "Down On the Avenue"

            Your shadow crossed the doorway,
            a cool breeze drew you in,
            all my best-laid plans for vanishing
            suddenly wore thin.
            I'd pass up the daily double
            to show with someone new.
            Beats sifting through the detritus
            down on the avenue.

            The barkeep sleeved by sawbuck,
            you accepted my largesse,
            I stood you for a couple,
            here's to looking up your address.
            Next time you're in the Mermaid Bar
            and find me beached here, too,
            remember: things have worked out worse
            down on the avenue.

            All that I won at strip poker
            ​I lost to bathtub gin.
            The floater in my waterbed said,
            "Let's drink to what should have been."
            There's many ways to spin the bottle,
            and I've toasted quite a few
            between the straights and narrows
            down on the avenue.

            The ghosts were driving Rollses,
            the dogs and cats spoke Dutch,
            the bums were quaffing Remy's
            while the alderman chewed his crutch.
            Memphis Minnie mixed Manhattans,
            Lana Lang was in the loo,
            Hedda Hopper was heisting hubcaps
            down on the avenue.

            You answered every question
            I'd lacked the wits to ask.
            The barkeep ascended from the underworld
            with a candle and a cobwebbed cask.
            In the quavering, wayward mirror,
            our eyes met, two by two.
            You were talking about a deal gone bad
            down on the avenue.

            Del

            Comment


            • #81
              Nice work, Delmont. Love the guitar, Knopleresque. The vocal is very cool . The whole band vibe totally works!
              __________
              Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
              Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
              Jesus

              Comment


              • #82
                Originally posted by Delmont View Post

                "Down On the Avenue"

                Your shadow crossed the doorway,
                a cool breeze drew you in,
                all my best-laid plans for vanishing
                suddenly wore thin.
                I'd pass up the daily double
                to show with someone new.
                Beats sifting through the detritus
                down on the avenue.

                The barkeep sleeved by sawbuck,
                you accepted my largesse,
                I stood you for a couple,
                here's to looking up your address.
                Next time you're in the Mermaid Bar
                and find me beached here, too,
                remember: things have worked out worse
                down on the avenue.

                All that I won at strip poker
                ​I lost to bathtub gin.
                The floater in my waterbed said,
                "Let's drink to what should have been."
                There's many ways to spin the bottle,
                and I've toasted quite a few
                between the straights and narrows
                down on the avenue.

                The ghosts were driving Rollses,
                the dogs and cats spoke Dutch,
                the bums were quaffing Remy's
                while the alderman chewed his crutch.
                Memphis Minnie mixed Manhattans,
                Lana Lang was in the loo,
                Hedda Hopper was heisting hubcaps
                down on the avenue.

                You answered every question
                I'd lacked the wits to ask.
                The barkeep ascended from the underworld
                with a candle and a cobwebbed cask.
                In the quavering, wayward mirror,
                our eyes met, two by two.
                You were talking about a deal gone bad
                down on the avenue.

                Del
                Nice. A bit of Dylan with a Tom Waits chaser.
                Last edited by LCK; 07-17-2014, 11:12 PM.
                “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                Comment


                • #83
                  Originally posted by LCK View Post

                  Nice. A bit of Dylan with a Tom Waits chaser.
                  Would love to hear this with a melody, very nice.

                  Comment


                  • #84
                    Originally posted by Lee Knight View Post
                    Question: These lines you've rewritten are hard to sing. They don't feel right rhythmically.

                    To a red brick schoolhouse
                    You won’t find love there

                    ​Does "Victorian" on its own, the way I had to put it, does that feel like awkward syntax or is it rhythm issues here? Schoolhouse certainly clears up any confusion right off the bat. And I can make it work in the phrasing, I'm just curious as I sort of became fond of the little bounce of VIC-tor-ee-un.

                    The 2nd line there, "you won't find love there". That spot has been difficult. Everything that needs to be said feels clunky in its rhythm. "You won't find love there". I'm not really sure where the stresses might be in that line. It's a soft line in a pointy spot.

                    KEPT... with love-and-care
                    ​STACKED... with si-lent-load
                    ALL with I-rish-names



                    These all have a BOP! buh-duh-duh dum

                    'You won't find love there' is fine, but not in a spot that requires that pointed rhythm.

                    EAT... ing toast-and-jam
                    SUCK... ing on-her-toe
                    PULL... ing on-its-tail

                    KEPT... with love-and-care
                    ​STACKED... with si-lent-load
                    ALL with I-rish-names

                    That's why I threw together the admittedly awkward phrase, "No one noticed the children there".

                    (no one) NO(ticed)... the child-ren-there


                    Note al the buried syllables I needed to make that close to working. And it really doesn't work, I know.

                    Past bright and friendly houses
                    Kept with love and care
                    To a red brick schoolhouse
                    HUSH(ed) in qui-et-pray'r


                    Hushed in quiet prayer
                    In need of no repair
                    (The smell of) children in the air
                    (No sound of) children in the air
                    Dark quiet in the air
                    Addressing these points you have raised:

                    1. Yep - I agree with keeping 'Victorian'. Once 'small' is deleted, the line feels OK. (use red or small but not both words)

                    2. I'm having no trouble singing 'You won't find love there'. I'm not sure how you're doing it but I'm doing it in the same way as the other lines you have highlighted. We really need to keep this meaning, and not be overly Pattison about it.

                    KEPT... with love and care
                    YOU … won't find love there

                    So here is where we are up to:

                    V1
                    Past bright and friendly houses
                    Kept with love and care
                    To a red brick Victorian……..To a small brick Victorian (alternative)
                    You won’t find love there
                    Classrooms dark and catholic
                    Stacked with silent load
                    Facts taught with the stick
                    Down Ravenhurst Road

                    Chorus
                    Leaning on the desktop
                    Dreaming in the class
                    Holding on to what he’s got
                    A boy grows up fast
                    Filled with possibility
                    Ready to explode
                    This boy kept his powder dry
                    In Ravenhurst Road

                    V2
                    The Fathers and the Brothers
                    All with Irish names
                    Believing boys were born in sin
                    They plied their Jesus game
                    With the Holy Ghost and Mary
                    Standing in the line
                    We mumbled meaning with their words
                    And we served our time.

                    Bridge
                    Now the school has gone
                    Its ghost haunts me no more
                    The scars that build our character
                    Sometime open doors

                    Chorus
                    Leaning on the desktop
                    Dreaming in the class
                    Holding on to what he’s got
                    A boy grows up fast
                    Filled with possibility
                    Ready to explode
                    This boy kept his powder dry
                    In Ravenhurst Road

                    Happy tracking …………..

                    'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                    CHARLIE PARKER

                    Comment


                    • #85
                      I still think "Past bright and friendly houses" is a problem. It starts the song off on too wimpy a foot for me, and I think nailing the opening downbeat would give it more bite.
                      Don't listen to Justin.
                      LCK - 2/21/2012

                      Comment


                      • #86
                        Originally posted by oldgitplayer View Post

                        .

                        KEPT... with love and care
                        YOU … won't find love there


                        Red brick Victorian was works very well! Nice.

                        OK, just to be clear, I swear I don't care about any Pattison stuff at this stage. I speaking specifically practical. I absolutely agree we need that meaning. I'm on board with you 100%. And yes, the way you've stressed the...

                        YOU … won't find love there

                        ...works out in syllable count. But unfortunately it sounds dorky as hell. The sound of it. Not the words or syllable count. The stress of YOU is absolutely unnatural in that cadence. The word "love" in the previous line is in the perfect spot to roll over the 16th note phrase. That soft "v" lovin-care. Now compare "find'-love". That hard "d" is completely different. And makes the vocal sound... dorky. It is, as Justin O once said, like a speed bump.

                        I hope I'm being clear this is not any sort of assessment on the words themselves. This is strictly about the ability to present them. To perform them.

                        however! I'm going top try to see if I can change the cadence for that line to accommodate those words. I'll try. But it's gotta flow or something's gotta go. I think I can make it flow. I'll stay in contact regarding this cause I get your concern. But be aware, I'm following your point completely. I get what you're saying. And that line is very much a different beast as a sung line to that cadence.

                        So I'll change the cadence and see.

                        __________
                        Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                        Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                        Jesus

                        Comment


                        • #87
                          OK - I now understand the problem (phew - it can be tough working with pros).

                          I've played with a few alternatives that are the opposite of love, and this is what I've got:

                          V1
                          Past bright and friendly houses
                          Kept with love and care
                          To a red brick Victorian
                          Packed with cold despair
                          Classrooms dark and catholic
                          Stacked with silent load
                          Facts taught with the stick
                          Down Ravenhurst Road
                          'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                          CHARLIE PARKER

                          Comment


                          • #88
                            Originally posted by oldgitplayer View Post
                            OK - I now understand the problem (phew - it can be tough working with pros). I've played with a few alternatives that are the opposite of love, and this is what I've got: V1 Past bright and friendly houses Kept with love and care To a red brick Victorian Packed with cold despair Classrooms dark and catholic Stacked with silent load Facts taught with the stick Down Ravenhurst Road
                            Bingo!!! I like that for a lot of reasons. I think the word despair as a rhyme is great and additionally it suits the mood of those verses. I'm digging it Mr. Phil! How do you feel about it? I also dig the packed/stacked rhyme. In other news: I'm tracking guitars to get my mind out of the lyric for now and it's coming along swimmingly. I've got a drippy psychedelic filtered guitar part that plays atmospheric fills, very un-guitar like, in the verses. Think faux Pink Floyd here. It also stacks in the chorus nicely. And since my buddy Jeff is gigging so much lately I'm taking a stab at a Paul/Taxman-like maniac solo. That too is un-guitar like. :-) and unfortunately very un-Paul like as well. Doing my best to get that Vox squank distorted thing going. Chuck Berry on meth. With the beefed up courses and solo section you haven't heard yet the rock guitar solo fits a lot better than it might at first seem. We'll see. And thank you very much for playing ball on that line. You are a gentleman and a scholar.
                            __________
                            Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                            Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                            Jesus

                            Comment


                            • #89
                              Yep - I'm happy with the change, so goferit. I thought the packed / stacked might give it some extra bite.
                              Most of what goes on in your head musically goes over mine, but I always love the final outcome. You speak another language.

                              Chuck on Meth………here's an anecdote……..My Buddy Denny whom I have previously mentioned - his band opened for the Stones on their Oz/NZ 1972 tour so he got to jam with Mick Taylor and a fairly non-functioning Keef at that stage of his career.

                              Anyway, when Chuck came to Oz in the 70's he only ever travelled with a suitcase and guitar. The local tour promo people were expected to find backing musicians for him with the expectation that they all knew and could play Chuck's catalogue. So Denny got to be his backing guitarist on his tour here. He has a few tales to tell about Chuck.
                              'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                              CHARLIE PARKER

                              Comment


                              • #90
                                That's a fantastic Chuck Berry story!
                                __________
                                Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                                Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                                Jesus

                                Comment









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