Harmony Central Forums
Announcement Announcement Module
Collapse
No announcement yet.

When We Break Up - Help, Need Lyric Input [new mix post #41!!]

Page Title Module
Move Remove Collapse









X
Conversation Detail Module
Collapse
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #16
    Here's a better mix - I was right, all the pitch issues were all me: I really need to re-track the vocal when I'm better rested. Otherwise it's done though...sweet!

    http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12858221


    Comment


    • #17
      Couple of minor things from me - great song

      When we break up won’t it be our luck
      if we can ever fall in love again
      and we’ll pretend to still be friends
      and that we’ll find the world the same again
      but now the sun shines every day
      and keeps the real world far away
      where no one’s faking, no one lies
      NO HEARTS BREAKING, and no love dies (maybe faking and breaking should tie in?)

      When we break up we’ll make up stuff
      we should have said to one another at the time
      and find new beds, friends shake their heads
      and say, “it’s such a shame, it’s such a crime”
      but now we hold on way too tight
      and kiss and make up every night
      but every sorry IS less sincere (i think the shorter word may sing better)
      and more like, ‘get me f&*king out of here’

      I can’t believe we wasted all this time
      Stuck in bed
      our interests would align, you said
      can’t you see? – it’s SIMPLER just to stay (maybe? I dunno it feels a little wordy as is)
      but we can’t pretend – this thing can end
      in any other way

      when we break up it won’t be enough
      to know that you feel just as bad as me
      in separate hells we’ll tell ourselves
      each was the first to up and walk away
      but now you lie down the next to me
      to consummate what used to be
      and for a second feel ok
      enough to come…back - another day

      Comment


      • #18
        Hey Martin - this really is a great tune. I really love the guitar... the piano (although I think it can play a more prominent role)... all great. I love your voice on it as well... BUT... I'm not so sure that her voice and your voice have the right chemistry. I can't really put my finger on it, but I'd just as soon here it with just you singing...

        Nothing against her voice... I'm sure it's lovely on its own. That said, it does sound better when you go into the harmonies on the bridge. So maybe it's just the unison part that is rubbing me wrong.
        Last edited by bee3; 07-17-2014, 07:48 AM.

        Comment


        • #19
          How about "play" instead of "stay"? It still rhymes, and it fits, because it implies faking it, going through the motions, acting, pretending. When love becomes a game, the game is over.
          Last edited by Delmont; 07-17-2014, 08:10 AM.

          Comment


          • #20
            Hey Stick- I actually did use "a second" in the final. The others are great suggestions. Break/fake wasn't meant to rhyme, just tick tock on the quarter note melody. Hmmm, good stuff.

            Yeah, I'm still not crazy about most of the bridge, from "our interests" to "to stay." People had some great suggestions (esp. LCK), but I think it might need a root/branch re-write to bring it up to the rest of the song.

            Re: female voice, I saw this as a super intimate, raw almost-duet. If it's not adding some intensity or intimacy to it, I'm doing something wrong. I have her singing melody and harmony throughout, so I may play around with trading off, etc. I'm not wed to having her, but I think it's lovely. Plus it's just more fun working with other people I found (and more productive).

            I'm glad no one's commented on the profanity, which I put a lot of thought into. I will have a clean version lopping off the two beats ("more like get me out of here") but I don't think it will be as strong. Also stoked no one commented on the me/away "rhyme" at the end, something I've only heard Billy Bragg pull off!
            Last edited by mbfrancis; 07-17-2014, 08:51 AM.

            Comment


            • #21
              Man... this is great. I love the way the lyric on the page just came to life. It's really beautiful. Not what I was expecting. Your guitar part working concurrently with that great melody... nice. The melody's simple but substantial. When paired with the guitar part... wow. It really is something. And I like her voice here, myself. She's got a cute character happening. Nice, funny, touching little moment on the effing line.

              The only input I could offer would lessen it. For me, you nailed it.
              __________
              Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
              Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
              Jesus

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by Lee Knight View Post
                The melody's simple but substantial. When paired with the guitar part... wow. It really is something. And I like her voice here, myself. She's got a cute character happening. Nice, funny, touching little moment on the effing line.
                Oh cool, Lee, thanks, very glad you dig it. What was unique here for me was that the guitar part came *first*: the melody in the back half of the verse literally just follows the low guitar string, first a third below and then a third above. And yeah, may favorite lines of hers are the acting/character lines. Thanks again, Lee, although I *always* appreciate input...definitely don't think this is 100% nailed.
                Last edited by mbfrancis; 07-17-2014, 01:47 PM.

                Comment


                • #23
                  It's a wonderful tune, very well arranged. But I don't get the reason for the two voices. If they each traded lines, that would be one thing. Or if one sang harmony, that would be good too. But to have her come in halfway through the first verse was jarring for me, especially since she's not singing harmony.

                  What am I missing in terms of the rationale for this?
                  “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by LCK View Post
                    It's a wonderful tune, very well arranged. But I don't get the reason for the two voices. If they each traded lines, that would be one thing. Or if one sang harmony, that would be good too. But to have her come in halfway through the first verse was jarring for me, especially since she's not singing harmony.

                    What am I missing in terms of the rationale for this?
                    Short answer is because it's pretty and I like it. Also because it's fun singing with other people - I get sick of my voice. Like I say above, I saw this as a super intimate, raw duet-kind of thing. I will probably leave her off the first verse. I'm going to mess with placement of the vocals maybe have me switch to harmony. We'll see - I'm not wedded to any of it, just happy to finish it (whether I tweak the bridge lyric or not, this is a finished version, I'm proud of it.).

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Well given that it's a first draft rights it's pretty freaking good first draft. There's also a case to be made for making a sing-along. Or you could do some cool harmonizing like they do on the stage. Without going Broadway on it, you could definitely borrow some nice arrangement tricks the way they use male and female voices and some Broadway productions. But I got to say, I do like the way it sounds as an informal sing-along kind of thing. Interesting that you point out that the melody follows the bassline of the guitar part. So that's a damn guitar part! :-)
                      __________
                      Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                      Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                      Jesus

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Pardon the Siri interpretation above. That's a damn good guitar part.
                        __________
                        Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                        Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                        Jesus

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by mbfrancis View Post

                          Short answer is because it's pretty and I like it. Also because it's fun singing with other people - I get sick of my voice. Like I say above, I saw this as a super intimate, raw duet-kind of thing. I will probably leave her off the first verse. I'm going to mess with placement of the vocals maybe have me switch to harmony. We'll see - I'm not wedded to any of it, just happy to finish it (whether I tweak the bridge lyric or not, this is a finished version, I'm proud of it.).
                          I realized that I had expected this to be sung from the female perspective. When I listened the first time I was thrown off by that. I listened again, without any expectations, and you're right. It works.

                          It's a damn good song! Well-written, conceptualized, with a great backing track.
                          “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by mbfrancis View Post
                            ...although I *always* appreciate input...definitely don't think this is 100% nailed.
                            Let me clarify here. I never mean that "nailed it" says, "don't change a thing!!!!". Of course it can be improved. But I think as a critic and co-conspirator it's important to remember how hard it is to hit things so right occasionally. When someone does, it's important to let them know that. You did, so I said so! It is a fan-freaking-tastaic demo. Every time I do a track I have delusions of grandeur of its master quality. The fact is each and every track I work up is an important step towards that master quality I dream of. Can things be better in your track? Of course! But more importantly at this stage it's important to know what you've done exactly right. And the answer is, at least for me, everything. You've done everything right in this stage of the game. You've captured the essence of that spark perfectly. Give yourself a couple days or months and revisit it. Make it better. No doubt. But sometimes worse, too. Hence, it's important to know what we've done right. Input works both ways. When it's good, we got to say so, and why. That's not a stroke, that's information we can use.
                            __________
                            Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                            Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                            Jesus

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Lee Knight View Post
                              Let me clarify here. I never mean that "nailed it" says, "don't change a thing!!!!". Of course it can be improved. But I think as a critic and co-conspirator it's important to remember how hard it is to hit things so right occasionally. When someone does, it's important to let them know that. You did, so I said so! It is a fan-freaking-tastaic demo. Every time I do a track I have delusions of grandeur of its master quality. The fact is each and every track I work up is an important step towards that master quality I dream of. Can things be better in your track? Of course! But more importantly at this stage it's important to know what you've done exactly right. And the answer is, at least for me, everything. You've done everything right in this stage of the game. You've captured the essence of that spark perfectly. Give yourself a couple days or months and revisit it. Make it better. No doubt. But sometimes worse, too. Hence, it's important to know what we've done right. Input works both ways. When it's good, we got to say so, and why. That's not a stroke, that's information we can use.
                              Thanks, Lee, appreciated - I think this is incredibly mature and wise (not your opinion of my track, the other thing!). I need to learn to be more judicious and restrained in my commentary. Just because I have an opinion on something, doesn't mean sharing it is useful at the time. Grateful to be a co-conspirator!

                              Originally posted by Lee Knight View Post
                              Interesting that you point out that the melody follows the bassline of the guitar part. So that's a damn guitar part! :-)
                              Here's the guitar solo'd for reference. Don't knock the playing, it was all one take! - still need to edit a little. But you can hear the bass movement.
                              Last edited by mbfrancis; 07-18-2014, 12:56 AM.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                I wouldn't edit it. It's got soul. Leave it!
                                __________
                                Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                                Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                                Jesus

                                Comment



                                Working...
                                X